Ladies, here's my screening process as a female enthusiast

Cuddle_RN

After getting this question via PM, and having fended off multiple requests to take conversations off this site before I want to, I thought I would share my reply:

1. We chat on this site.
2. We decide to meet.
3. We agree on a movie (date and time, theater near me).
4. We exchange first names.
5. We meet 30 minutes before the movie starts, go to our seats, and chat.
6. When the movie starts, I either cuddle up to him by slipping my arm under his and laying my head on his shoulder or taking his hand and putting his arm around me.
7. We change positions as needed throughout the movie.
8. After the movie, depending on the vibe I got from him and my schedule, we either part ways or talk for a while or get something to eat.
9. I repeat this as many times as I feel the need to.
10. Once I feel completely safe, I give him my number and progress to meeting at his place or mine. I also follow the safety steps in my profile.

At least 50% of men never make it to step 2. Only a handful have made it all the way to step 10. Those few are absolute solid gold. I have never regretted sticking with step 9 and refusing to give any personal information until I feel safe. If asked, I say something like "I don't give out my phone number before I feel really comfortable with someone I met on the internet." If he reacts poorly to being told no, you now know this is not a good candidate for cuddling.

ALWAYS trust your instincts.

Gentlemen, I don't mind you joining any conversation that may happen here. I just ask that you accept whatever feedback you receive from women without telling us why we're wrong.

SCityCuddler

I really appreciate this! Thank you!

KYtransplant

Thank you so much for this! I have now updated my bio to reflect my new procedures going forward.

Yes, I'm sure it will piss some people off, but I'm done with the boundary pushers.

hifigeorge

I feel badly about having to bring this up, but a few of us may find a movie a daunting meeting place. I will speak from my point of view. I'm blind and on a low fixed dissability income. Affording movies is not easy for me, so I probably wouldn't be able to make it to very many. Moving around a theater is difficult, as it is an unfamiliar space and often crouded. I mean no disrespect, and I understand the need for security. Would a coffee shop work? A coffee or even a small snack might be purchased for less than an entry to a movie. Also, a person like myself could probably manuver much more safely if the shop was familiar. Again, I intend no disrespect.

KYtransplant

@hifigeorge those are just her personal guidelines.

I prefer to meet at a public park. Handicap accessible, open space, free of charge and as a bonus I can pack snacks.

I'd be happy with meeting in a coffee shop, @hifigeorge. There is less potential for cuddling, but it would work as a placd to have a chat and get a feel for each other's 'vibe' (intentions, compatability, willingness to adhere to boundaries).

A park is a great idea for a first meeting- private enough that you can have chat and a cuddle if you want to, without having other people in your immediate vicinity, but also public enough that both parties can feel safe with other people around. As other members here will attest, cuddles in parks can be very relaxing and just as much fun as cuddles in secluded locations, with the added benefit that both parties can feel safer.

hifigeorge

While a park seems like a great idea, I feel the need to point out that handicap accessible is a very general term. Open, unfamiliar spaces could be hard to navigate as I rely on land marks. I do realize that I am part of a very small minority hear, and that what has been said hear is how different people are able to feel safe. I only make these points for awareness sake, not to put anybuddy down.

CuddleDuncan

@Cuddle_RN thank you for that.

In a similar vein I started to write a wee document on this for somebody a while ago, then it got forgotten about. It looks nearly finished to me.

Meeting somebody from the internet

This feels like a big list but it’s not, it’s actually just common sense laid out in detail. You’d do most of this anyway. If you are unsure or are vulnerable apply these rules to several meetings, not just the first one.

Trust your gut: if something feels wrong, get out of there at once. Say, “I’m so sorry, I’ve just remembered I’ve left the iron on. Lovely to meet you, I’ll message you tomorrow. Goodbye.”, pick up your coat and walk out. Do not hesitate, do not enter into conversation.

Provide all details of the person and the meeting to somebody you trust, and arrange to contact them afterwards to say all is well. Agree what they will do if you don’t check in.

Consider using a throwaway phone number

Do not use apps with disappearing messages

Keep your address and other personal information private. This includes details of your journey

No photo = no meet

Do a google reverse image search on their photo

Screenshot their profile. Immediately before the meeting, check that their profile is live and as it was. If it has vanished, do not go ahead with the meet

Make sure your phone is charged, on and close to you. Consider enabling location sharing

Maintain control: of your transport arrangements, your belongings, your alcohol level, everything

Meeting must be fully arranged in detail at least 48 hours beforehand

Meeting must be in a public place where there will be plenty of people, in daylight or well-lit

No last minute (on the day or night before) changes of plan: postponement is acceptable

Ensure that the meeting happens as planned: do not be inveigled into the coffee shop next door

No sudden changes of plan during the meeting. If you want to do something different, phone your safety friend out of earshot of the person, and tell them what’s happening.

Do not accept anything to eat or drink from the person. Do not leave your drink unattended

Don’t sign anything

But remember, meeting people is fun and rewarding. Don’t get bogged down in the list above. Meeting people from the internet is no more dangerous than crossing the road. If you listen, and look left and right, you’ll be fine. But if you don’t, you risk being run over.

Cuddle_RN

@CuddleDuncan, HOW are you single???? Listen, I'm getting alimony for 8 more years, you wanna move in after that 😂😂😂

WriterGF

Whole thing absolutely makes sense. Getting into a cuddle relationship with an enthusiast is like tending a flower -- it's all about patience and care. You don't plant a seed and expect it in full bloom that day. And if that is what you need, then go to a florist and pay for something that's full-grown.

Jkay

This is so helpful.

I'm now brain storming a list of "green flags" in my head.

frankparker9

My thoughts: Having super high standards for someone’s vibe (respect for you, emotional intelligence, etc) pays off. Being picky narrows your pool, but (in addition to staying safe) you don’t waste time and energy with people who trigger you, leaving space for those high-quality people. There should be no “red flags.” Don’t talk about your process, just politely decline. Telling someone they are “being unsafe” doesn’t work; maybe they are harmless and wouldn’t make someone else feel unsafe, but it doesn’t matter! Listen to your gut. No one is entitled to your time and attention.

InsaneZane

I really love reading these. These are helpful for everyone but definitely (unfortunately) moreso for women, and it helps me understand what they have to deal with that I have not had to even give a thought to. I hope it makes me more accomodationing and understanding. Thank you!!

My first reaction to the thread title before clicking was wide eyed concern. I read the title as "an enthusiast of females" instead of a "a female cuddling enthusiast" and I thought "hoo boy where is this gonna go" 😆 glad I was mistaken lol

CuddleDuncan

@Cuddle_RN LOL it's a deal! And I'm particularly flattered to have been promoted past steps 2 - 10 straight to Step 100 "Ask him to move in."

oberon

All my most successful cuddle relationships have followed similar paths.

Cuddle_RN

@CuddleDuncan on second thought, I probably should add #11. Make sure he's housebroken. And #12. Evaluate his cooking skills. 😂😂😂

KYtransplant

@WriterGF what a wonderful descriptive analogy! Very much fits in with time, nurturing and genuine care we all seek.

While I'm not a bad cuddler, I am absolutely a failure at keeping any plants alive. I've even switched my lawn over to red and white clover for the bees because I can't get decent grass to grow.

Cuddle_RN

@InsaneZane, an enthusiast of females 😂😂😂

Trust me, every time I post, I think "hoo boy where is this gonna go" 🤦‍♀️

@frankparker9, I don’t talk about my process with my cuddlers unless they ask. I disagree with you on the red flag thing, especially for women. When you're evaluating a potential cuddler, as a man you are not likely to be thinking about her physically harming you. As a woman, that's my #1 concern when evaluating a new male cuddler. Therefore, it's a red flag for me when a man doesn't want to accept my No, for example. I'm not sure what you mean by "telling someone they are “being unsafe” doesn’t work". I've never said that. I did explain to one man that it was wrong to put his hands all over me and then say that I got him all turned on, but he got himself under control so it's ok now 🤦‍♀️ The one who asked before we met if he could stick his finger in my bellybutton while we cuddled just got blocked without explanation. Immediately no!

zacto

@Cuddle_RN

After reading your post, I was curious and I checked your profile. There you have mentioned that you also want to have the picture of the driving license, I am guessing after step 9. But here, you have not mentioned it. Do you think it is necessary?

MrMarkAndrew

Sounds good, as long as both ppl are paying Dutch for the initial meet and greet sessions.

Cuddle_RN

@zacto that's why I added "I also follow the safety steps in my profile" to #10. TBH my starter husband has been acting up and being a major drain on my emotional energy so I was slacking.

The driver's license thing is based on the advice of a close friend who was an escort for many years. She managed to keep herself safe with this and many other tips. It's not strictly necessary if other steps have been taken to verify someone's identity. That's just my opinion and I'm certainly no expert.

gentlecuddler4u

Wow, this is a great reminder of what it's like being a woman meeting a man anonymously. I realize some of it applies to all situations but it's clear how in our society, men are more likely to be the bigger threat.

Even #6 seems like a big step when I consider it from a woman's perspective and I have to admit, I'm not always as sensitive to this as I ought to be.

Thanks for sharing this openly!

frankparker9

@Cuddle_RN Apologies, my comment was hopelessly unclear. I was agreeing with you. “There should be no red flags,” as in, only proceed with someone if there are no red flags of the sort you are describing. I think women and people in general need to hear your message. Count the red flags. If greater than zero (as we’d say in programming), halt program; do not see this person again.

Between talking to female friends, cuddlers, my own bad marriage, various online forums… I feel like people ignore red flags constantly, even when they identify them as such. How often does someone who just broke up with a bad partner, who they may have dated for months, say, “Of course, there were some red flags early on…” There were??!

I realized after my divorce, too, and from the personal development that I’ve been doing ever since, that so many of us have attachment trauma that causes us to attach quickly and stay too long. It’s basically the norm. Seldom does anyone err on the side of ending a relationship too soon, but people will overstay for years. People get into a scarcity mindset and think they need to make things work with this one person in front of them, because what if no one else comes along? Whether it’s a long-term relationship or a second cuddle date. It’s better IMO to apply a very high standard and not worry at all about the abundance or scarcity of potential partners or cuddle partners.

I won’t try to clarify the rest, it’s late and I’ll just let it go.

I appreciate your forum messages, you have a very warm and clear way of communicating! I remember thinking that your post in the SmartFit thread really upped the vibration.

Cuddle_RN

@frankparker9, thank you, that's so kind 😊

elfdog21

@Cuddle_RN this actually sounds amazing...maybe its because im a movie buff. Lol.

I wish there were more enthusiasts near me as I'd love to find cuddlers other than pros at times.

CuddleDuncan

This forum has changed a lot since I joined in November 2020. At that time it was dominated by very misogynist 'nice guys' and a thread like this would have been hammered. Comments from women were few, and limited to things the misogynists found accceptable. I'm sure some of that type are still here (well, they do pop up occasionally) but they are lurkers, and are, perhaps, learning something, Now the men who comment on this kind of thread are thoughtful and supportive, and women can join in freely. Much better!

Cuddle_RN

I am so so so thankful to be living and raising daughters in the #MeToo era ❤❤❤

flordagirl

That might be your thing but I don't meet in person until I video chat with them. It's a huge red flag if they can't even be bothered with a basic video chat. Google has something called Google Voice if you don't feel comfortable sharing your original phone number. Cooking skills wouldn't make a difference to me since that's more like something somebody would look for in a dating partner vs. a platonic friend.

Cooking skills wouldn't make a difference to me since that's more like something somebody would look for in a dating partner vs. a platonic friend.

I think that was more of a joke based on the fact that @CuddleDuncan is lovely and would make a great spouse for someone.

Cuddle_RN

100% joking on the cooking thing. Although my two closest cuddlers have both cooked for me and my newest one is going to next time we meet...so maybe there's a common thread amongst men who cook??? Anyhoo, here's a picture of a cake I made for one of them for their birthday 💛

hifigeorge

@Cuddle_RN I posted some concerns regarding the movie aspect of this discussion. I'm curious as to whether you would be open to a different public meeting place. For various reasons, some may find movies or theaters hard to navigate. I gave my own examples of challenge beeing finantial and mobility related, both of which are related to my beeing almost totally blind. I completely support all of the other steps you outlined. I think it's wonderful you've shared this information, as it has been helpful to people on this forum.