Non-cuddling touch for anxious newbies

So, theoretically, if you has a couple of people who were newbies to the whole cuddle experience and who, for whatever reason, didn't want to dive straight into full on cuddling, what would you recommend they do to ease themselves in, that still involves platonic touch of some kind, preferably in a fun way?

I would just say, if the cuddling is already figured out and about to happen, just take it slow and easy. Ask lots of questions and enjoy each others presence.

Then you can find out from each other maybe a good first cuddle position that you both like. And be respectful to each others desires in what each person may want to do first.

For me, I was unsure the first time. So, I just let the other person give me ideas. Since I don't really have a huge understanding of all the various cuddle positions.

RadiantHugs

Having fingertips touching is a good start when there is a lot of anxiety around touch. Sitting back to back with spines touching is another great non threatening starter. Then you can gently sync your breathing and move the touch up and down the spine. It's a fun game to see if you can feel the touch point move one vertebra at a time.

CuddleDuncan

The yes no game.

A conversation is had beforehand to establish any taboo areas for touch. Obviously this includes the areas normally covered by underwear. Consent is everything.

The touchee stands still, arms by their sides. They may only say 'yes', 'no', 'pause', and 'more'. They do, nothing. They will be touchee for their turn of four minutes, and then they will take their turn as toucher. You both get a turn each way, so it doesn't matter who starts in which role. If you can't decide, toss for it.

Technically the toucher is allowed only one word, 'here'. However, in reality, a slightly more extensive vocabularly is required, typically words like 'middle back' and 'left calf'.

The toucher offers to touch a spot on the touchee, and says, 'here'. The touchee responds with 'yes', 'no' or 'pause ......... yes/no'. The pause is if they need a moment to think about it. The touch should last a moment, perhaps ten or fifteen seconds. If the touchee likes it, they may say 'more' to obtain another moment. If it turns out they don't like the touch, they say 'no' which brings it to an end.

The toucher will endeaver to use as wide a variety of touch forms as possible. Flat hand, stroking, tapping fingertips, back of the hand, knuckles, gentle scratching and so on. A caring toucher tries to use their hand in an imaginative way. The touch may be anywhere that is not taboo, and it can be interesting - for example, it is unusual in ordinary life to have the back of your calf touched, and so it can be a somewhat unfamiliar feeling. When the toucher is behind the touchee, who therefore can't see what's happening, they should describe briefly where they are about to touch.
It's best to start with common touch areas like arms and shoulders, then progress to places not usually touched in everyday life. One that I found slightly weird was the top of my feet (I was in socks): not because it was unpleasant - it was perfectly nice - but just because the top of your feet are rarely touched by somebody else's hand.

A key point is that the first three times the toucher says 'here' and offers to touch, the answer must be 'no'. From the fourth time onwards the touchee is at liberty to answer as they please. The toucher is responsible for timekeeping, and a gentle alarm is useful. Four minutes has been found to be long enough to be really beneficial, but not so long as to become too stressful or boring.

It sounds a bit laborious written down but it's actually easy and quite fun. You can start off quite conservatively, and after a couple of rounds get a little more adventurous as you become more comfortable with each other.

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Another good thing is double hand holding. Stand facing each other, and take both of their hands in yours. Hold for at least a minute. If you're not sure where to look, just look at the hands. Looking into each other's eyes may be lovely, but can be quite intense and is a separate exercise - here you can do it or not, as you please. The basic rule is no talking, but there's no need to be pedandic about it if you have something highly relevant to say.

I have had this used as an intermediary between a brief social standing hug, and a more intense, prolonged standing hug. It can also come between a standing hug and a sitting hug.

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Sitting hug .... sit side by side. Swing your bodies round till you are as facing each other as is comfortable. Your knees will touch. And now just hug as you would if you were standing. Can't be held for too long as your body is twisted and it becomes uncomfortable. It is slightly more intimate than a standing hug though.

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The handshake progression. Start with a very formal handshake, arm well extended, standing well back. The way you would shake hands with a business acquitance who you didn't really get along with. Then do it again, standing a little closer. And again. Try putting the other hand on their forearm. You can work your way up the arm to what is almost a hug. Alternatively/additionally, invent your own weird handshake greeting dance.

s_huggg

I love how Cuddle Duncan has placed many fantastic methods here!

I have experienced this with a few cuddlee’s and I personally find that it depends on the person. I typically listen to their conversation with me, and from there we can take the “in-turns” approach, fingertips/arms touching or maybe a steady level of eye contact within close proximity (a few of my favourites) or a few other options.

Everyone is different and therefore the element of “fun” / “play” that @BuggleBear mentioned, I feel would best be found after talking prior and and giving time to bounce ideas off of one another before the session officially starts ☺️.

I hope this helps?

Sx

InsaneZane

My personal experience as someone who was VERY touch deprived:

Absolutely always go at your own pace. Set explicit boundaries with the person beforehand. It needs to be a person you feel safe around, i.e. able to be vulnerable with; not a scientist but if your lymbic system is on alert, the oxytocin basically won't have any effect. If you're too nervous to ask for what you want (like I was), the other person can lead, but with questions that are "would you like it if" instead of "can I" (cause the former is way easier to say "no" to). My friend also checked in on me every few minutes, how I feel and if I'm comfortable with everything.

From there it was just a progression starting with just sitting side by side on the floor against a wall with shoulders touching. Then an arm around the shoulder, then leaning head on shoulder, and so forth. Whatever feels natural and comfortable for both people.

For me it was very much a mindful exercise to me, so if you're into mindfulness, I would recommend kinda treating it like meditation. No music or TV or anything, just silence and stillness. Focus on the sensation of the touch, just what it feels like without having to describe it with words. (Everyone's different though, there's nothing wrong with music or TV).

Those are just my personal experiences so "absord what is useful, discard what is not, and add what is uniquely your own".

These are really good suggestions, thanks everyone!

Another one I thought of was teaching my cuddle partner a childhood clapping game, or maybe even 'palm reading' (I can't read palms, I don't really believe in it, but I thought it would be a fun and lighthearted way to touch with little pressure)

I also wondered about playing Twister, or maybe tabletop Twister (where you use your hands only)

CuddleDuncan

Oh yes palm reading. A girl used that on me once, in a different context. It really worked - holding hands, sitting close, it's a great way to establish safe intimacy.

The key point is that it doesn't matter. Any of the above would be great. As long as you talk to each other, it'll be fine.