My dad died recently. (18 months ago today, I realise now) I feel very lucky that we had a relationship that was uncomplicated and straightforward and certain aspects of our personalities and characters were very similar. So I know that he didn’t regard a grave or any physical representation of his life to be sanctified or anything. In fact, I think he’d probably prefer the fact that I occasionally just chat to him in my mind, or cry when I see a film I know he’d have enjoyed talking about. The football team he supported is having a rare good season, and that makes me happy. Even with all of those beautiful memories and beautiful sentiments it’s still very hard to accept that he’s gone sometimes, and the grief still hits me like a wave every now and then.
So when you add in horrible, destructive, impossible to control emotions like guilt and unresolved feelings, it must be unbearable. @FunCartel - I am so sorry you’re going through that, and that it seems like it’s always going to be a part of your life. I hope you find a way to manage it, or beat those feelings, and I’m glad you felt able to share it here, and hope that helped a little bit.
Sometimes I feel guilt (the kind that's like a tidal wave bowling me over and causing nausea) where all I can do is whisper, "I'm sorry mom."
In the moment I didn't realize I wasn't honoring her wishes. I panicked and called for help. I didn't allow for her to die, and they violated her DNR. They used extreme and invasive measures to save her and kept her in the ICU for nearly a week.
She'd tried to get me to learn Morse Code when I was a kid, but I didn't. And there she was, intubated, multiple IV drips and the constant beeping of various machines. All until they could stabalize her enough to redo the closure part of her brain surgery. Then there's me standing there helpless to understand her as she frantically tapped out an endless series of dits and dahs.
Days later, I was sitting in her recovery room as she regained consciousness. She turned towards me and as her company became clear, she scowled looking me dead in the eye, and in the most seething tone I've ever heard she hissed, "You are so fucking selfish!" And agressively pointed toward the door and told me to get out.
She ended up forgiving me and over the next six years I did everything I could for her as dementia took over. I became a fierce advocate for her and the only one she trusted. I'm certain she knew there wasn't a chance her wishes wouldn't be honored again.
I'm thankful she stayed because of some closure it brought about near the end and I'm thankful I got to be there for her last breath. But she's right, I'm selfish because the things I'm thankful for benefitted me, not her.
I feel guilt not just for what she went through because of me, but also because most of her is sitting on a shelf in the den next to some dvd's, in the box she was mailed to me in after they'd finished all their research.
I followed the instructions she had for her body, and to not hold a service or make a fuss. But she didn't say what to do with her ashes. So other than scooping out some to put in an ornament I hang on the tree each year, I don't know what to do with her.
Thanks for creating a space to share all that @FunCartel
Note ~ I typed this all up last night and was going to just leave it in my drafts as some sort of twisted way of processing... but something happened today to change my mind because it was just too fricken weird!!
I'm in the process of moving and decided I'd give tackling my mom's things in the basement another go. I was sorting through the boxes admiring the extreme depths of her nerdiness (books ranging from human evolution & genetics, to concepts of mass in physics, to an unauthorized biography of Dr. Who) when on the fifth box or so, I lift the lid and find her tarot cards. I was so stoked because I remembered them as being quite beautiful. I open the box and this is what I see...
Can you fricken believe that??!! Except for one other, they were all face down under the slip of paper.
Wth?! Did she plan this shit?! I showed my housemate and in a slightly distressed state now, I continued through the box. I do an eye-roll because there's a book about diabetes she'd got for me when I mentioned being borderline (but it was a bit too much for me at the time). Then under that were a few of her law reference books, followed by these...
Holy crap! And WTF?! Back in the 90's she'd done volunteer legal research for one of the attorneys working on the Oregon death with dignity legislaion and after was an advance directive advocate. But to be coming across this now... it's unfricking believable!!
Is she messing with me from beyond the box?? Seriously??!! To see it all..., less than 24 hours after typing all that... and just before Mother's day... SMH...
So yeah. I was already feeling the guilt feels and now I've got another one going on that I have no reference point for and don't know what to call it... bewilderment maybe or dumbfounded...?? This is just so weird...
I really am sorry mom. 🫂
@quixotic_life Holy hell, you need a hug. hugs
~ Sunset Snuggles
@quixotic_life: 🫂 She forgave you. I guarantee she's not trying to guilt trip you now. You're just running across stuff that was always there. It's random, coincidental.
And painful. I'm so sorry.
@SunsetSnuggles & @DaringSprinter ~ Thank you both.
@quixotic_life Wow..that’s quite the roller coaster of an experience especially right before Mother’s Day. Hope you feel your Mother’s gratefulness for all you did for her.
It’s slightly different as my mother is still alive and I feel guilt for not wanting to spend time with her, due to our very complicated lifelong relationship, because I know someday she won’t be here. It’s challenging to figure out how to manage all of these feelings.
@TheMidnightOwl Yes. This.
Felt like here might be an okay place for this...
... mainly because of the ending.
@quixotic_life. That was a fun video with a great message.