Mother’s Day Guilt

TheFunCartel

I do have a question when Mother's Day comes for those that lost their monther as I did 24 years ago. Do you feel guilt on Mother’s Day? I mean I do because she is buried over 1000 miles away. I go to see her as much as I can, but every Mother’s Day delivers a pang of guilt for not being there. Same with Father’s Day. They are both buried in Arlington National Cemetary and I know they care for the sites there, but it feels as though I abdicated my heart and duty to someone else.

Do you have similar guilt?

entwine

I don't think you have to visit a grave site to have their memory live on.
Similar to how you don't have to physically go to a church to pray.

I think as long as she's in your thoughts, she's living on in your memory.

Plus think of all the empty graves or if someone is cremated.

But, we feel what we feel and I'm not here to tell you how to or you're wrong to. Take care.

TheFunCartel

@entwine Yeah I have run through all those platitudes yet the guilt comes through the pores effortlessly like sweat. Kind of wanting to hear from those who have lost a parent they loved if guilt is an issue. I still have her memory but certain days, like Mother’s Day, trigger guilt. I should be there, or I should honor her, or why did I do this or that. She died in a plane crash so there were no good byes.i don’t know. I am probably being morbid.

SunsetSnuggles

@FunCartel Thank you for sharing. I'm very sorry you lost your mother that way.

I lost someone violently who was cremated and I cannot visit her... I went on Etsy and had a custom bracelet made, where each feature means something to me about her. When I am feeling especially sad, I wear that bracelet to feel close to her.

My parents lost many babies and when I was little, we had a tradition of letting a balloon go for each one. We hadn't done it in many years, but my mom recently had a stroke and couldn't visit the cemetery like she always did. I lived in another state by then, so my boyfriend and I went and bought balloons for all the babies, and I took a video of releasing them, and sent it to my mom.

So having something custom made, releasing balloons... You could also buy flowers and give them to someone on behalf of your mom. You could make a donation, or watch her favorite movie, or write her a letter. I think there are many ways to honor someone's memory, without being able to visit their grave.

Hugs to you...

~ Sunset Snuggles

pmvines

I.dont.feel guilt around fathers day . The purpose is to honor and celebrate someone important to you, and I feel like this can be done in memorium. I also think being a parent changes your perspective with the mothers day fathers day thing . Makes you have empathy for your parents , and helps me to realize that even though my dad had many faults.and we didnt see eye to eye on a lot of things , he really did try to do things the right way and I can see now.for myself through my own relationship with my.son.how.terribly hard it is.to be a parent to somebody. I try to just focus on spending time with my son when I can, and try to be a good father to him. That feels like the best way to honor my dad .

TheFunCartel

@pmvines I was close to my dad especially after being such a shit show as a kid. I know the purpose of the days in question but despite knowing all this it surfaces all the same. I am a single parent with two kids—one in college and the other in high school and I do a great job. I don’t have to get them to talk to me as they know the lines of communication are open, they are accepting of people, and they want to make a difference in the world. The only problem I have is reminding my daughter that I am the parent. In spite of all this—there is guilt. So I do focus on them a lot, but at the end of the day when they are off doing their thing the guilt bubbles up. I think it is the distance between me and the gravesites and the fact that it can be two years between visits. Hard to know.

I do talk to my dad’s sister who took me in when I was a kid and she is the last of five Kids and going through similar stuff. She gets the guilt and we give each other hugs. But her philosophy is “that’s life.” Her philosophy sucks when she calls me to bawl about once a month.

I am convinced there are no solutions.

SunsetSnuggles

Luno, you need to start a new discussion, please delete your post from this thread.

~ Sunset Snuggles

ShaneSchrute

It’s all a very personal thing. But for me graves are for the living. Sometimes they help me and sometimes they don’t. I feel guilty for some things regarding those who have passed but don’t feel guilty about not visiting her grave on Mother’s Day. I honor her by pouring out her favorite drinks from a high cliff on her birthday and I mourn her passing on her death day.

Mother’s Day however? doesn’t feel like anything to me. I like to give the power to dates that are meaningful to me and I make my own holy days and sacred times. I could give a f*** about the official holidays. They don’t dictate to me how to love my favorite people.

TheFunCartel

@SunsetSnuggles Thank you for the suggestions but I have sent flowers and donated. I love Arlington National Cemetery and hate it at the same time. It is a tourist attraction to many who visit DC and want to see JFK’s grave or the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier but it hurts as a son who visits both his parents there when so many people are there and happy, kids running around on graves because the parents aren’t watching, or just plain lack of respect. It doesn’t jive with my personal emotional experience. Last time I visited someone asked me if they could take my picture holding up my lifetime pass when I was there with my daughter. But I don’t blame people—I just can’t figure out how to get over all of it all these years later. I hate it when I am far away and miserable when I am there.

I even feel guilty about feeling guilty because I know others have lost parents.

TheFunCartel

Mother’s Day however? doesn’t feel like anything to me. I like to give the power to dates that are meaningful to me and I make my own holy days and sacred times. I could give a f*** about the official holidays. They don’t dictate to me how to love my favorite people.

@Syins i agree and I am working on that. Tough to do. They don’t dictate how I love them but it certainly conjures guilt against my will.

SunsetSnuggles

@FunCartel People can be clueless and insensitive in cemeteries. It boggles the mind.

I wish I knew how to help. Maybe in a few years, I will.

~ Sunset Snuggles

TheFunCartel

@SunsetSnuggles You have helped. You responded and offered assistance. Doesn’t matter if I have already tried it. It means a lot to know someone is trying to help. I am just frustrated because I am used to being the problem solver and haven’t figured out how to solve this or if it is even solvable.

Maverick07

I feel guilty to a certain extent because I live in a different country and my mom’s mobility is becoming an issue (her mind is still sharp at 82) though). I try to visit her as often as I can, help with any need financially, and I’m taking my daughter to visit her in the summer. I do go to the cemetery when I’m there to “see” my dad and grandparents, that’s just something culturally, I guess… I just wish I could be nearby.

TheFunCartel

I feel what you are saying @Maverick07

I carry a guilt that I wasn't the best Son to my Mom and now, I'm not able to hole the family together like she did and that's what she wanted me to do.

TheFunCartel

@Saysoh Does guilt grab you out of nowhere when you are not even thinking about her? It does me because it is not verbal cues a lot of the times that triggers me; for me it is visceral—a knot in the stomach for example—and it makes me feel ill.

SunsetSnuggles

@FunCartel I just had to say that I completely know that kind of physical reaction to certain feelings... I've had it since I was a kid, and it's usually associated with the feeling of empathy. Anytime my mom would have her feelings hurt, I felt it physically, and it made me miserable. I know this isn't the same as your source, but it was just interesting to me to hear someone talk about a similar sensation.

~ Sunset Snuggles

@FunCartel My family is traditional. I'm the eldest male, so it's a lot of pressure. I'm not traditional, so there's that.

I'm not sure where the guilt comes from. I had a very severe car accident a couple years prior where I started to get introspective. I'm also not sure I even understand grief at this point or if anyone does because it's so personal, but I know it comes in waves and yes, sometimes it's physical, sometimes it's anxiety which can also lead to physical. It's a lot of things. I talk to my Sisters a lot about it and their journies are completely different than mine. I'm the youngest and the middle has seemed to move on, but she did marry into money, so there's confusion there while my oldest Sister's husband left her six-months after our Mom's death. There are so many variables to work through within the dynamics. For me, I just let myself feel all of it, write about the discomfort and allow myself to learn who I am now. That's my journey. Make the internal become external.

TheFunCartel

@Saysoh Since it was recently for you that journey can take awhile and it will come back for you at times. In a lot of ways it can be another of those life scars everyone collects, only it wasn’t a pen knife this time it was an emotional machete.

I have often imagined, if we ever invented emotional CAT scanners how bad some would look…..

Would society become more inclusive or less exclusive of those results? Would we help or would we avoid these people? If you are an Orwellian the future is bleak.

@FunCartel I've chosen not to look at it as hurt (I'm hoping that's the direction you were taking with the emotional machete reference.) I look at is as being grateful for the human experience in general. For me, I see it was we do get to live outside of the ego and grant ourselves humility. For example, you and I are both going to die. Everyone posting comments is going to die. That's just a reality literally zero percent of human beings are going to escape. As I get older (I'm 45), accepting this reality insteading of fearing it has so far, has been very theraputic. We will ALL have those moments where life checks you and this is mine and I'm learning the guilt of not being the best Son to my Mom is really just the pennance I wasn't the best I could have been to myself. Again, you can define grief by stages, but can you really?

TheFunCartel

No you can’t define it by stages in the literal sense but there are some general milestones you can categorize in hind sight.

@FunCartel

Do tell, because I'm looking.

Lovelight

I'm not in your situation, though wondering if it might provide you some ease if you help someone local that day in her memory. Especially if you can find a cause or like someone who'd lost a loved one. Just getting or sending them flowers could be good. Sorry to hear you're struggling and hope you find ease or can coexist with it.

I saw in a motivational type video that we need not focus so much on wanting to rid or fight with our feelings. Though learn to make space for them and let them have a seat there, if there are things you need to get done and some feelings are too distracting.

@Lovelight are you referring to me?

Maverick07

@FunCartel hugs to your way, my friend 🤗

Lovelight

@Saysoh I was referring to @FunCartel .

I sometimes miss to tag if refering to the OP, cause I think commenting under the main post conveys that.

Mela_B

I lost my father fourteen years ago and I still hate fathers day and feel awful guilt. I've written dozens of poems about it. I wish I'd been better back then. I wish he could see me now, the version of me that's better. 💜

JoyfulHeart

@Mela_B Sending you a huge hug

TheFunCartel

@Mela_B Exactly. Regret and guilt are such heavy baggage. At least it made you a better person. I think I am a better person but I am too busy to be sure.

WriterGF

No, I can't say that I do. My Mom died two years ago and we were geographically pretty distant (I am in CT, she was in Indiana) ... but the last thing I said to her on the phone was "I love you." And I try to honor her and my Dad by being the best father I can be to my little girl.

SuperManCuddles

@Mela_B Big Hugs 🤗 🫂