I suggest trying not to look at the site as the solution for anything, it’s a tool that may find you what you are looking for. I’ve been on here for years and i haven’t had much luck myself but I wouldn’t blame the site I tend to think peoples attitudes about this are just different. When i had negative thoughts about it, i expressed them in the forums and got clarification as well as a peak into other’s perspectives.
I can say I’m as ambivalent about this as i am of using a site to meet anyone for anything ( dating, meet ups or sales sites) everyone has to be cautious and protect themselves. Whatever it is that makes this site successful for anyone is a virtue.
@Dylan2693 Something I've done as a pro that MAY help you , is I connected a female client who has trust issues with men with one of my male clients. I gave them my apartment for an afternoon to connect and cuddle in a neutral space. They loved it. I didn't get paid and an exchange of platonic cuddling was had. I did it to help her branch out a bit while also introducing a male client with a female cuddler with no exchange of money. If I was only chasing a buck, I wouldn't take two paying clients and connect them, I certainly wouldn't give them my personal space to cuddle in. I genuinely care. While it may seem like you're paying us for affection, that's untrue. You're paying for our time away from other work, hobbies etc. That's something to keep in mind. ☺️
So it may start with paying for a session with a professional, building karma and trust. It's easier to grab enthusiasts attention when they see you have an upstanding reputation here.
I hope you can stick it out a bit longer and maybe connect with someone
It's sad that the OP can't vent his frustrations without being misunderstood and invalidated. There's nothing in his post that suggests he is downplaying women's concerns, thinks he "deserves a trophy for not beating women," or feels like he is "owed affection." Serious question, what gave you that impression @Bunny_Kisses ?
It's also rude and dismissive to tell the OP he "needs a therapist and not a cuddle buddy." Then, how is telling him all the bad experiences you've had with men, without any constructive feedback, supposed to help him in any way @great_pillow08 ?
@CuddleWho is absolutely correct. Unfortunately not everyone can afford pro cuddlers and even then it could feel transactional. I do empathize OP
The OP seems pretty angry. And pretty certain not something that screams safety to women. Regardless of you saying that you're not trying to downplay women's experiences, you are. You might as well have typed #notallmen.
You mention sex and your penis. And that you're not seeking sex and you shouldn't be judged because you have a penis. But you should be judged because you have a penis. And some weird convoluted logic in my head says because you mentioned it is why you should be judged by it. I don't know how to explain it but I feel like people would get what I mean. I'm not a girl but from your post I get bad vibes.
I am in no way trying to downplay the loss of your mom. I know what it is like to lose a mom at a very young age. The pain does not go away. But you sound extremely angry. I mean you made this post. You could have made a million other posts but this is the one you chose. You could have just not come back to the site. But instead You made this post said you were going to be leaving. Way to burn a bridge! What happens if you change your mind later?
If you are in such need of cuddling then don't go to that bar you talk about. save that money. With the cost of pretty much everything now, not too many indulgences would have to be skipped to save up $100.
@MidnightSunset : he mentioned those things. He basically was saying I have done the bare minimum to be a decent human being. I don't see how this is not patently obvious why she would say that.
Everybody needs therapist. It would benefit every single person. People on this site probably need it more than others. I am 100% not excluding myself. I'm posting on a cuddling website forum at 2:00 in the afternoon. The 16-year-old version of me would kick my ass if he knew that that was going to take place
There are two kinds of people in this world. People who are in therapy, and people who should be.
(Happy to say I'm in the first category!)
@hugo_stieglitz I don't see anything wrong with a 2 pm post on a cuddling website. I read your comment. 100%. To the OP...I didn't get all the way through the post (it was dripping with too much bro culture for me) but I'm hoping at some point you said "Just kidding" because that was entitlement to the max.
Dear Dylan, I'm sorry you've had such a hard time having your needs for love, care, affection, safety and touch met. I can imagine that none of us come into this world thinking that it's going to be this hard just to connect. I'm here to tell you that you deserve to be loved and cared for and touched. Nobody deserves to go through the traumas you have experienced.
The narrative that i'm getting from your post is that your mental health is suffering, your needs are not being met because you are being judged for being a man and therefore a general danger to women even though you've never participated in the activities that would endanger women. You understand why women are careful but are frustrated because what they are afraid of is not you and nobody gives you a chance. All of these things ARE frustrating, and your feelings are valid.
What I'd like to suggest to you might be painful, and I hope you can believe that I'm not trying to hurt you. There is something to your post that pushes me away as a woman. I'm a stranger and I don't know you and so I hope you can take this feedback without taking it too personally. There's this thing called incels and women are scared of them. We look for things like a tone of entitlement to our bodies and a general resentment for 'witholding" our bodies and affection. I really don't think you are trying to put this energy out into the world, I saw your later post about not thinking anybody owes you their body, but that's the first thing I think of when reading your post and I want you to know that because it legit pushes women away. Like, running away. I realize it must be hard to try and express not having a need met and feeling frustrated about it without sounding this way, but that's the red flag I would take from your post.
@hugo_stieglitz is right on the money, as far as how women will view that post. If you’re not thinking about your penis, there’s no need to bring it up or defend yourself.
I do empathize with someone needing touch and not being able to afford professionals, but OP doesn’t the same empathy for women who open their homes or go into strange homes, and who, as someone said, forego time spent doing other careers or hobbies. And there seems like there’s already anger and frustration in the post, and being vented on like that during a session could very well affect OUR mental well being as well, or at the very least demand a huge amount of emotional energy.
I’ve formed very genuine friendships with some clients, and I don’t think they or I feel that things are transactional. even saying that the professional aspect “defeats the purpose” shows a lack of respect and understanding of what cuddling is about.
Way I see it, on any social site -- dating sites, here, even Nextdoor-- women get buried in messages. (A friend of mine told me she went away for a weekend and had 250 messages when she got back.) You might be writing great intros, and they may be buried so deep in their inboxes they will never see them. Also keep in mind that some people join sites to see what it's like with no intention of ever meeting anyone. I've never bothered to look at the enthusiasts in my area, I figure I'd have a better chance winning the lottery.
In my opinion this post isn't going to make anyone want to cuddle with you.
@Dylan2693 just to be clear, as a community we want you back on this thread. And we understand that that might be a bit tough to do right now.
We sympathise with your situation. Many (most?) of us have been in our own versions of it. I certainly have. I know that feeling of looking forward to a brief hug from a distant friend, because I've had it too. We want you to have the cuddle that you so obviously need. We want to help you find it.
If you think that the professional cuddlers are all just transactional, then I suggest you read @MxSmith's beautiful post again. You do understand she's not being paid for that, right?
@Rezz yours is not the first story I have heard of a professional cuddler who has gone out of her way to do herself out of a client. Or the second, or the third. I would guess that a lot of very experienced cuddlers have done it.
@hugo_stieglitz I think that's an excellent response to @MidnightSunset's question.
@hugo_stieglitz Funny and correct.
Whoever says that this post sounds angry and it gives off the wrong vibe for me, you assume that this is always how I present myself. I'm frustrated and I posted to vent. This post wasn't meant to get cuddles, that's already long gone with 2 years of trying.
Just a friendly reminder:
The ratio of men to women on this site is about 4:1 A large percentage of the women on this site charge for cuddling A significant number of enthusiast women on this site are inactive.
Ways to improve the possibilities: @CuddleDuncan’s recommendations about first messages are right on. Expand the possibilities - set a broader range for age and distance
I’m sorry it hasn’t panned out for you, @Dylan2693. If it’s any consolation to you, it’s hard for enthusiast women to find good cuddle buddies, too. While we may have more men interested in cuddling, too many of them are not here for strictly platonic cuddling. It gets pretty discouraging. When you find a good cuddle buddy, it’s golden. I wish you luck in whatever you do whether it’s here or elsewhere.
@ohnonotagain, first of all I just have to say that is one of the finest usernames I've seen in a while.
Sorry to hear your story too. It's amazing what you can write on this forum and gets almost missed, I've seen it many times before. Lot of tough lives on here.
But what I really wanted to say is that I was struck by what I suppose might be called the inconsistency in your post. You mention that you have no real idea of what a loving relationship looks like except from TV (which, as we all know, is right about everything) but then you go on to say that the bit you want most is the staring at the wall/TV talking about nothing. How do you know that profound truth if you don't know what a loving relationship looks like? Sounds to me like that trial and error thing is bearing fruit.
I was reminded of an incident from my dating life when I was telling my sister about a date I'd been on. It was about a sixth date and something went catastrophically wrong with the logistics, I can't remember what. Anyway, the end of the story was
" ... and so we just went home and watched the news."
"Yes," said my sister who was happily married. "That's all there is, really. Watching the news."
@Dylan2693 I understand you are venting your frustration, but I was getting strong “i” word vibes from your post. (I don’t know if that word is allowed here.) Speaking only for myself, I believe any lack of success I have here is exclusively a “me” problem, and not anyone else. Nobody here owes us anything, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect anyone to want to cuddle. Also I highly suggest not making a reference to any body parts of yours. I can almost guarantee you that most people will stop reading when they get to that.
@Rezz wow that is amazing and so cool of you to do. Seeing that makes me so happy 😊
@Dylan2693 nobody thinks you write to people using the same tone or style that you did in your original post. At least, I hope they don't.
However, it's a piece of writing. And a passionate piece at that. Almost any communication reveals something about our unconscious thoughts and beliefs, and a post such as that certainly does. Some of those same unconscious beliefs will be conveyed in your messages to enthuasiast women. They will pick up on them, often acting unconsciously themselves.
(Most of what we do is unconcious: when you see somebody you know, you don't recognise them consciously. Nearly all your physiological processes are unconscious.)
In other words, the attitudes that come across in your post probably come across in your messages too, just in a different way.
@CuddleDuncan is right. Vibes almost come through the computer at me sometimes. Even the word, “hey” depending on how it’s written can strike me in different ways. If someone writes, hhheeyyyy!!! For instance I get a different feeling than, hey. It’s such tiny things sometimes.
@cuddleduncan lol I'm glad I'm glad someone said it.
@Dylan2693 I sympathize with you. When you express your experience using this site, the majority of people will imply that you are entitled, angry, and/or you need to try harder or use a different method. I genuinely do not think the majority of responses are productive or useful to you. As some have mentioned, it is difficult to find someone to cuddle with for free because of supply and demand. For most, seeking a free cuddle buddy is a waste of time. Perhaps you can seek what you desire elsewhere. I understand it is difficult because the female/male ratio on most social sites gives women the leverage, but this site is clearly not working for you. Personally, I would try to figure out ways to increase my income so I can have more freedom; that may be easier said than done. Good luck.
@August1 nobody knows whether the OP has an unconscious feeling of entitlement. He probably doesn't know himself. And I don't think anybody was really saying that he has.
What we're saying is that the original post conveys a sense of entitlement. And therefore, there is a good chance that his messages do too. Where that sense of entitlement comes from is something for him to think about. If he wants, he is welcome to think about it out loud on this forum.
That sense of entitlement fits a standard pattern which is quite common in the USA. It sits on a spectrum. At one end of the spectrum are some very unpleasant people indeed. At the other end there are some perfectly nice people whose early experiences formed in them a particular view of society and the place in that society that certain categories of people (such as men or women) do hold or "should" hold. That view of society makes it difficult for them to think about other individuals from their own perspective.
To put it another way, if you truly believe that women are the servants of men (because when you were a very young child that's what you were told by your parents, school, church and TV) then it's quite hard to accept women not behaving as servants. The twist is that this belief may be buried deep in your unconscious, and your conscious mind may genuinely believe (wrongly) that you do not hold it.
[It's getting late, I hope I said that right.]
Edit: I just looked back at my first page of Sent messages. I discovered seven opening messages to enthusiast women, of whom four have replied so far.
There are 49 enthusiast women within 100 miles of me who have logged on in the last month, of whom I have cuddled three. I have had serious correspondance with five more, and a message or two from several others.
I'm not trying to be boastful, I just want to show you what's possible.
For the avoidance of doubt I'm somewhat broke, overweight, medium height on a good day, and old. Somebody once described me as, "Good looking .... for a mule" and then somebody else said, "Yeah, but which end of the mule?"
@hugo_stieglitz Hm. I just saw OP bringing up the sex thing because that is one of the principal complaints on this forum from female members - that often the guys they meet to cuddle actually wants sex. But he's saying he hasn't asked for that, yet there are no female cuddlers that have yet been willing to cuddle with him - leading to frustration and confusion. And so he doesn't know, or perhaps is no longer willing to expend the energy, to meet an enthusiast cuddler. Perhaps I am projecting a bit. But I do identify with some of what the OP is feeling.
And @CuddleDuncan empathizes with the OP too, and he was able to turn his situation around. So he sees the potential in OP. And he has posted a guide on how to. But, not everyone is able to though, despite their efforts.
That means, back to the drawing board @Dylan2693. I do identify strongly with you. It does suck if all you want is a cuddle and no one is giving you the time of day on here. I do think there is more you can do with your profile and approach if you still want to try. If not, there are other places to find cuddle buddies. Or save those $$.
@CuddleDuncan I'm born and raised. I hope I'm not one of those unpleasant people, but I'm pretty sure I have some subconscious misogynistic ingrained beliefs in there somewhere.
@sunnysideup
So he sees the potential in OP.
Yes, I do.
I agree with @CuddleWho and others that most of the men on this site who want to cuddle women will not succeed. The numbers just don't stack up.
But I do believe that men who engage in the forum, take the advice they are offered, and really think about what's going on with their attitudes and assumptions have an excellent chance of success. (Assuming there is a reasonable number of enthusiast women in their area.)
Last year I wrote that the cuddle world and this site rewards
patience effort thoughtfulness respect self-awareness
and I stand by that.
@August1 : I don't know about you. I am sick and tired of women having all this leverage. I can speak from personal experience as a early '40s white guy. It is rough out there. I can't think of the last time women had a right taken away but not men. It's like can't there be one situation where men have leverage?
@hugo_stieglitz That last comment is definitely not going to help you here.
@hugo_stieglitz - Women have to worry about being raped, stalked, etc... Men have to worry about being rejected?
@Mike403 : yeah but I would never stalk or rape a woman. So I have no reason to be rejected. I don't deserve to be rejected.
@Moxytocin : I live in the freest country in the world and I can say what I want. Unlike whatever. Fascist communist Netherlands country you live in.
The Netherlands sounds amazing. Those countries like Finland, Sweden, Norway...give 8 weeks of paid leave a year....even w high taxes, it's worth it. The Ole U S of A only ranks in about the top 30 in the happiness index around the world.