@xandriarain i get that… I had a boss who would say how are you and keep walking past the cubicle without even waiting for a reply so I totally understand where you are coming from.
I understand the struggle too it’s hard some times to keep trying to fight for a future that doesn’t want to come.
Fun fact @xandriarain phrases like how are you doing, see you later, nice to meet you, etc that are non literal and really just exist to server the function of greeting people or ending conversations are called phatic expressions. Some of them are uniquely American/tied to American culture but they also exist in a lot of other parts of the world, the US might have a bigger focus on them though with how overly fake with politeness so many people are encouraged to be there.
As with most things there's a Tom Scott video on the topic.
Try living in England. We can have entire conversations about rain.
@HedgehogHugs LOL! Or those chances when you can open with, "Enjoying the sun?" During the 5yrs i lived in Oxfordshire, I've had more full-blown conversations about the weather than the rest of my life combined. I also remember the first "You alright?" that I answered... "Do I not look it?" Confused us both... 😆
I, too, have a hard time with being asked how I am doing if there was no expectation of a reply... and I usually have a second or two of internal struggle, anyways, on how to answer. So, if they ask and keep walking, it kinda feels the same as a mis-timed 'high five'. Sometimes I'll entertain myself by answering though they've long since left. It feels oddly satisfying. 🙃
Some years ago (after a period of bafflement) I decided "how are you" was actually code for "I acknowledge your existence in a friendly way."
Then I learned that's not always the case. Ah, social interaction. Such fun.
@Synfany13 I once asked someone how they were doing as a greeting, and felt bad that I didn’t have time to actively listen. Now I only ask as a genuine conversation starter, and it’s led to a handful of hugs when I can tell that person isn’t doing well.
It’s harder for me to answer openly to a stranger when they ask, because the few times I have, it’s obvious right after that they didn’t care. Working retail was even harder since I wanted to project positivity and not scare away customers. On the other hand, I could genuinely ask customers and be there to honestly listen.
@xandriarain If you had ever walked into my store and I could see how you were doing, you would’ve been offered a hug and a seat to take a minute for yourself.
It is just a conversation starter. If you feel like sharing more details go right ahead. That’s how the conversation gets deeper. And if someone goes into detail, do you roll your eyes. It really goes both ways and if you really care to share, and they are willing to listen you will find out soon enough.
Reading some of these comments reminded me of something someone told me once -- don't grade your days, or expect yourself to be "happy: and get down on yourself if you're not. Happiness is measured in moments, at best, which is part of why it is a special feeling. A day you live through, even one where bad things happen, still leaves the hope for tomorrow.
I will ask how someone's day is. It is a social convention, like making eye contact. I realize it may seem mundane or a time waster to others. For me, it is like a compulsory routine in gymnastics: Basic interaction to see if they remain in the competition. That being said, if the other person wants to share how they truly feel, I am willing to listen and remain engaged as long they aren't a bad person, or horribly and irrevocably self-centered.
Person: Hi, Dogbert, how are you? Dogbert: How am I? Is this merely shallow social pulp, or do you genuinely care about me and my feelings right at this moment? Person: It's the pulp one. Dogbert: I'm fine. How are you?
(way back when, in days long past, when DIlbert was (usually) funny.)
Hmm what question is your context in? Conversations on CC or in real life in general?
If real life in general, it’s just a pleasantry. I’m sure my starbucks barista actually doesn't care how my day is going but is just trying to be polite with customers, so I say ‘I’m good’ so I can be normal and not weird. These pleasantries are normally exchanged with people we don't know or intend to talk with. So if it's a stranger saying this, I'll assume they are just trying to be polite.
If it's a CC message, I'll assume they are interested in getting to know me more, but may not have the best opener. So they have chosen this social nicety to start with. Being direct can be refreshing but it's also anxiety inducing as well as potentially off-putting depending on how you do it. I can't just ask people to cuddle out of the blue, it's very off putting. This 'how are you' opening may be related to laziness as I have things on my profile to comment, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt and engage. If I'm trying to engage with them, but they keep giving me one liners, I'll end the conversation.
If it's someone I'm friends with, I'll assume that they genuinely mean it.
Also, in case anyone needed a translation:
The superficial chatter is just a way to manufacture consent by making it socially unacceptable to actually talk about things that matter.
If you don't like that type of conversation, you should bring up something fun to talk about. It's that simple.
Yes, OP made a cultural observation, but the blame has been relegated back towards her. Wonderful.
I see the OP's point. But a conversation involves more than one person. If you want it to be more substantive, you have the power to do that. Alternatively, you can just not engage with someone if you feel they have nothing to say.
As an autistic, I read this more as a cri de coeur than anything else. @Synfany13, I too would like to live in a society with different social norms than those of the society I live in. Germany sounds great!
But yes—practically speaking, we are where we are and have to do what we can with what we have. (Doesn't stop me from dreaming, though.)
@cylee1180 Just to be clear, I’m not saying she’s responsible for the system that makes it socially unacceptable to be real with each other
@zerocantaloupe You've been expressive and clear without being condescending. I'm just going my sideways approach without engaging in an argument - but it wasn't indirected to you. Lol
.
Around these parts some of my favorite responses to “how are you?” are…
“Able to stand and take nourishment “!
“I’m doing great! If I was any better there would two of me !”😊
@SunsetSnuggles Hmm. Two of you would be totally awesome.
The funny thing is some of my convos with my guy friends sound empty but are actually meaningful lol;
Them: Sup Me: Sup Them: You holla? Me: Nah. Them: Shyeet Me: Aight Them: Gotta go Me: Peace
Very meaningful.
My grandpa would respond to "How are you?" with a clearly tongue-in-cheek "TERRIBLE!"
It was one of his defining personality traits, kinda like asking waitresses for a "pine float" (toothpick in water).
I must admit, I don't get the "issue" people have with things like "How are you doing?" I feel as though there is clearly an implied "I hope you are doing well!" embedded in the question. It is a rather secular version of "God bless you on this day!" sort of message...
Some folks may complain about "fake politeness," but I'm not really sure that's the problem. We value friendliness. True, we may not always feel excited or happy or fantastic, but we make a concerted effort to try to be friendly. What is wrong with that?
@BookishGuy: I don't know about OP, but I still find words that only mean what they literally say some of the time confusing. Hardly anyone who says "how are you doing " actually wants the answer to the question they just asked.
I wouldn't mind living in a society where saying "Hey, I see you exist and I'm glad I'm not alone" or something like that was the norm. Friendly, but not confusing!
Anyway, that's how I interpreted it.