Tired of empty conversations

Synfany13

Hello, how are you?
-I'm good, how are you?
I'm good thank you

Who else is tired of this type of conversations??

Do you really want to know how the other person is doing? Do you really care?
Are you being completely honest when you say you are doing good???

CuddleWho

I mean that sounds like a greeting more than a conversation. The conversation is what comes next.

Short form text messages are not conducive to human connection yet it is entirely what these apps are built upon. While these types of conversations can be tiresome, how else do you cold approach an entirely new person and guage that they are not completely insane before opening up in a genuine way?

Minestrone101

Just small talk to be friendly. I can't open about someone's opinion about Nietzche or Karl Marx unfortunately. I usually open by asking about their week and then their hobbies.

Synfany13

I get exactly what you are all saying, but wouldnt be nice to be able to be honest about how we are doing even if it was a complete stranger ??

DaringSprinter

You can be honest about how you're doing, even with complete strangers!

They'll just look at you funny and treat you differently from then on. (Trust me, I know: I've tested it. Ah, the joys of learning not to take things at face value....)

zerocantaloupe

Move to Germany. Small talk is apparently culturally discouraged there.

Minestrone101

@Synfany13 I think American culture is all about the pretense of politeness and righteousness without putting in the actual work- I think Stephen Covey noted this in the 7 Habits of Highly Successful People. American culture and personal development used to emphasize timeless traits such as: honesty, hard work, and generosity, etc.

Dale Carnegie started a movement that emphasized extroversion, public speaking, and persuasive/negotiating skills and other "winning" personality traits. The emphasis changed from being something to being focused on how you're perceived and making friends/allies.

Minestrone101

"See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive"

• You and I Both, Jason Mraz

"And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence"

• The Sound of Silence, Simon and Garfunkel

Babichev

If you want to have a real conversation, you need to start at greetings. Getting to the good stuff is a process. Not everyone wants to go there. That’s not all bad. They may not have time for it right now. Or maybe they just don’t have it in them. Or maybe they are waiting for you to take the initiative.

Start the kind of conversation you want to have and see who continues the conversation with you.

dungeondrummer

Here's how I'm doing; next door apartment that shares a wall has been drilling, pounding and banging for a few days. I came home after work to find holes drilled thru the wall in my bedroom closet, then 1 more drilled thru in the bathroom. Calls to the property manager revealed a possible mental illness issue with the Tennant. More banging and drilling ensued late this evening so I called police to put a report in after midnight. Will follow up with property manager tomorrow. However, tomorrow afternoon I have my cuddle pro coming over in late afternoon. As we all know Banging is not allowed during CC sessions so I hope the problem is resolved!
🙃

@dungeondrummer I noted what uou did there. lol

DaringSprinter

@dungeondrummer: Oh man, that sucks. So humorously expressed, though! I'd be very unhappy in your shoes. Hopefully that gets sorted quick.

(And hey: that's an excellent conversation starter. Maybe we should all be honest after all.)

cogsandgears

"I mean that sounds like a greeting more than a conversation. The conversation is what comes next."

THIS. I've had this problem a million times on dating apps. I usually ask, instead of "how are you," something like "did anything interesting happen today" or "what's something coming up you're looking forward to?" How they respond to that will indicate to me if this is a man who is open to more thought provoking interesting discussions, or if there's uh. not that much going on upstairs.

also important is if he asks ME any questions.

TheFunCartel

also important is if he asks ME any questions.

Flash forward into 20 years of marriage and you will hear him say “What?” after you asked him a question five times before you yelled the questions.

Eventually the questions come.

tacpmurg

@Synfany13 I actually was thinking about this yesterday.

I wanted an artist to draw a comic of two people sitting down at a table with one talking a bunch and then asking the other why they weren't and that they should share about themselves. The quiet one opens their mouth and ...

Deep/real conversation takes trust that opening up to someone isn't going to make them run away or have it used against them. This is why chit chat and surface level topics exist, because you need time to learn the personality of that person and if they can be trusted. I certainly wouldn't trust a random person with my deep internal thoughts, not unless we really got to know each other.

Thats life i guess, small chat to hopefully lead to the more meaningful conversations.

Synfany13

The message that I was trying to send was to make conversations more meaningful, full of mindfulness.

If someone asks , "how are you? ", to really mean it and actually listen to how the person is doing. And to the person that replies with the usual " I'm good", are they really doing good??

Synfany13

By the way, thanks everyone for getting involved in this conversation 🥰

Nature_Lover_

@Synfany13 I feel you completely! I am not a fan of scripted pleasantries or painfully empty small talk when it comes to dating apps or making new friends. The reality for me though is I much prefer an organic in person connection over text in general. I can tolerate small talk in person because I take it for what it is.

Within this platform I am %100 ok with light small talk preceding a session. I understand that someone reaching out may be touch starved and exhausted, overwhelmed with navigating a new to them platform and concept. They may be going through something and simply need personal human touch, care and connection and have little or no desire to explain. They may be here specifically to get more one on one conversational experience. They could be shy or anxious. Every reason to me makes sense and is acceptable.

@zerocantaloupe Germany now holds new appeal 🤪

@cogsandgears I like your conversation openers. 😊

As has been mentioned, nothing is stopping anyone from starting conversation with the "deep" stuff. That's what I do and my closest, most cherished friendships have all been made by doing this.

It's not for everyone, and that's fine. I'm not trying to please or acquiesce to every single person I come in contact with or try to reach out to; I only need 20% of those folks to be cool with me because that 20% has proven to be so unbelievably rewarding.

Oddly enough, spending a lot of time on dating apps taught me this but the mindset applies to all interactions. Getting myself out of a scarcity mindset and learning to actively court rejection led to more fulfilling, long-term connections.

xelda

Agreed. In real life, a quick "hi, how are you... fine, you?" can be a mindless, but polite greeting that leads to deeper conversation. It has more potential to happen naturally when you're face-to-face.

Online, on the other hand, the "hi, how are you?" message from a complete stranger feels like a copout from putting in the work of articulating what it is that made you interested enough to start up a conversation. It lacks any effort of engagement and puts the onus on the receiver to respond and continue the conversation. I rarely respond to those types of starter messages, and when I do, it's nothing more than "fine, you?" to put the onus back on them to give them another chance.

Synfany13

At the end of the day, its all matter of perspective. We all have our own unique point of view, and thats perfectly ok. In my point of view, I wish to improve on my empty conversations as I try to connect with people in a more deeper level. 😊

Personally I find the best way to avoid empty conversations is to talk about things like bread, rice, pasta, pizza, sandwiches, they're all rather filling.

zerocantaloupe

@tacpmurg (CW: blood) This reminds me of a scene from Hertzfeldt's "Rejected".

ggiaquin

I mean this isn’t a dating site and most of are probably not scoring high in the charisma category… hence the need for most of us to be on a cuddling site. I get it’s a boring starter but it’s also hard to engage when 90% of people’s profile all say the same thing.

Most people who I found with unique profiles I could hold a conversation with usually end up deactivated in days because of the toxic treatment they get. Had one cuddler I was actually really excited for because we connected so well and she cancelled my appointment and left a note apologizing that she couldn’t take the treatment she was getting from everyone else before she deactivated.

From our point of view when you spend so much time like that connecting just to end up with a dead profile, I end up resorting to bland greetings.

To answer the question though if I honestly care or not? Of course I do. Asking people how they are is a gateway to the energy they give back whether good bad or indifferent. It also opens conversation based on the reply. A bad day might help someone in need of a cuddle also having a bad day someone to confide in. A good day might help cheer someone up or share about something going well.

At the end of the day it’s no better than even a cleverly written ice breaker. I could spend time writing something funny and just get “haha that was funny” and that’s the end of our conversation. It’s not about what is asked, it’s more so how the conversation carries after.

NQIGCyan

I think it all depends on the person. I was talking to a girl last week and she started apologizing saying she’s bad at small talk. I just told her I’d rather hear her opinion on Putin (the subject she was ranting about) then her opinion on the Broncos any day.

MonkeyNeedsAHug

🙊

I too am not a fan of small talk. I have some social anxiety and small talk does not help that at all!!! Lol I do actually mean it when I ask people how they’re doing at work and places. And if they say, “I’m good.” But sound bad, I’ll ask again, “you sure? What’s up?” And if they don’t seem to want to get into it I’ll drop it! Deeper stuff is a lot easier! And indeed more meaningful!

xandriarain

That is one thing I hate about American culture is how people always say “how are you doing?” as a greeting just in passing when they clearly don’t even have time to listen.
I have one vivid memory where I started telling the person how I was doing and they just kept walking away, I remember feeling annoyed and offended that they even asked if they don’t care. I remember another time I was at a grocery store or a target and I was really upset and doing my best not to cry in public and going through one of the toughest times in my life and having to tell the cashier I was good when I was completely awful; It almost hurt to say.

So for all of you wondering how I’m doing, most of the time I’m OK or not doing so well. The days were I’m actually really happy are a few and far between.

I agree with this @xandriarain So true for feeling OK or not so well most of the time. I'm like that too. Seems like society expects our default answer to be good. No one responds their true feelings..
Regarding the messages, I noticed as an enthusiast, I get more detailed and thought out messages. My friend who used to be an enthusiast told me the same. I wonder if with the pros, the clients are more transactional so they are more brief.
Vs with enthusiast, they may treat it more like dating and getting to know each other,.

Wonder what other people think.