Help I'm in over my head!

olydan

I have trust issues with myself and my cuddler I want to and do trust her and want to open up but am reluctant in ways because I've had trouble in the past with sharing my feelings and making things very bad so I don't want this again but I want to really connect with her on a deeper level and am afraid if I do it will end badly and I don't want to get hurt anymore so trust isn't easy but with her it comes so naturally it's terrifying.

zerocantaloupe

If your cuddle partner is someone you have a relationship with outside of the cuddling (friend, relative, etc), then you may not want to do that. If it's a pro or someone you met online, then what do you have to lose?

olydan

Idk @zerocantaloupe I think it causes she's a pro that I don't know how to trust that she really cares and I don't want to expose myself to someone that doesn't really care about me.

TheFunCartel

@olydan I don’t have any golden nuggets of wisdom to impart, but I do know this much—it is a bit unfair to expect the other person to do all the heavy emotional lifting. So I guess the only legitimate option you have with your cuddle partner is to be totally above board about the issues you struggle with before any cuddling occurs. They have the right to informed consent. If they say they understand and are willing to cuddle then you are halfway to overcoming your fears I think.

BashfulLoner

Trust issues are tough, i got them, and i think professional help with them i think. Suggestion would be try to get ahead of working on them before you introduce it to a less trusted person. When i say less trusted as in, newly trusted person you don’t completely know.

The only separation i make between trusted and less trusted is someone that’s been around for years. Someone’s behavior you understand more. And that’s only to tell before you start working on it. I’d consider a trusted person a someone I’d think would be invested in helping. Someone that may give you support and accountability on your path to success.

zerocantaloupe

@olydan There's psychological safety in never seeing someone outside of the context of cuddling. At least for me.

And honestly? If you're paying someone, there's a professional boundary there. But that's good, because it means you can just stop paying for their services if they start getting hurtful.

TheFunCartel

@olydan I hope you have access to therapists or therapy because a pro cuddler is there to provide a safe space for consensual platonic touch. No pro is there to provide counseling for trust issues. Trust issues run deep and I think you should seek professional help before cuddling and I think you will benefit more from your cuddle sessions as a result.

MxSmith

I think its fair to be careful how much personal information you share with someone and how fast and what you are expecting in return (with anybody). Oversharing can lead to people becoming overwhelmed emotionally, even if they really like you. Imagine that we are all floating in separate kayaks on a river and that your emotional information is your body weight and that you are trying to get into someone else's kayak with them. It's not that they don't like you necessarily, but they do not want their own boat to sink if you get into it. As a pro cuddler, we have specific boundaries with time and space, which help us float in the midst of quite a lot of emotional weight. I genuinely care about the people I cuddle with and savor emotional intimacy and I don't shy away from attachment; however, in order for me to continue being able to provide this unique service to so many people, its imperative that I keep strict boundaries with time and space. There's also certain topics I would feel particularly overwhemed by if they overlapped with my own trauma or there was an expectation of how I needed to respond. Example: "I struggle with suicidal ideation and when I leave a cuddle session, I always feel it the most". <<That's a really heavy emotional weight you have placed on someone else who is likely not equipped to support you, and will probably keep worrying about you outside of your session. Once you leave the kayak, you will have left a 20lb backpack behind for someone else to paddle with. I agree that asking before sharing is important if you are concerned its "too much". I think it’s also important to ask for the kind of response you want. "I'd like it if you just listened and did not try to problem solve". I do want to emphasize what others have said above. Pro cuddlers are not therapists and I would strongly urge you to think about whether the information you want to share is a therapy issue.

ManOutdoors

I remember seeing a pro on here talking about how much she loved cuddling, and that she said it is something she would do for free. That obviously raised the question for me of, why is she charging for it if it is something she would do for free? But by reading her profile and thinking about it myself, I realized lots of people do charge money for things they would be willing to do for free (if they could) but they have expenses just like everyone else and she needs to make a living. I don't know who this pro cuddler is that this post refers to, and it's impossible for me or anyone else to understand their true motives, but I think in your time with her you'll be able to get a pretty good feel for if she cares about you or not. Just because she is charging money doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. Open up to her about some of your vulnerabilities and see what response you get. Ask her about why she became a cuddler and what her internal experience has been like in providing cuddles to people.

WriterGF

I would agree that you may have issues beyond what a pro cuddler can help you with.

stormydaycuddle

@ManOutdoors Trauma. In situations where a person is obviously in extreme duress, I offer a second session free. I don't have to work in an office because cuddling helps with my income. I wouldn't be able to give as many cuddles if I had a 9-5. So in my case, it depends on the client's needs.

Also, we obviously can't care deeply and entirely for every client every time BUT I do care about my clients as people and like to understand their situations and provide relief if I can. You're paying me for cuddles, empathy, and care during our session. On the flip side, I can't take on all my client's needs outside of our sessions on. That would be crippling. Realistic expectations need to be established.

TNNative

@olydan find a good talk therapist and speak to them about the trust issues you feel related to yourself and your cuddle partner.

nurturingman

I would say find a psychotherapist for sure but also find a pro cuddler who’s understanding. Ask for a free brief videoconference just to get to know them and I think you’ll be able to gauge their level of caring.

wrench

The worst she can say is no i dont have feelings for you.

We need to feel ok with telling people how we feel about each other.

zerocantaloupe

@ManOutdoors https://tenor.com/view/if-youre-good-at-something-never-do-it-for-free-joker-gif-14497358

ManOutdoors

Hi Zerocantaloupe, I am assuming that gif is a joke. If there was something serious you wanted to say, sorry, I didn't understand. Anyways, thanks for reading what I wrote.

Hi stormydaycuddle, I apologize, I did not understand the trauma reference. Maybe I am not very good at online communication. I think I can only understand complete sentences. Thanks for reading.

stormydaycuddle

@OutdoorsGuy503 Iwas agreeing with your point and explaining my POV on free cuddles as a pro.

scpcguy

So one of the things that I think would be a phenomenal mixture would be someone who is not only a professional cuddler, but is also a licensed psychologist (pending consideration of ethical boundaries with regards to touch) in that touch therapy can combine with therapeutic techniques such as Cognative Behavioral Therapy or dialectic behavioral therapy. I get the sense that would be fantastic for people who suffer from PTSD and are victims of various forms of abuse so long as the patient understands boundaries.

you see, on one hand, touch is extremely healing in and of itself, but to be able to help someone heal from trauma through talking them through it while feeling safe in someone's arms would be extremely effective in helping the patient heal.

Adayah

@olydan Therapist, counselor are the professionals that safely will help you to open your boxes and hidden stuff and they know what to say or not to. That’s how I did it. Simultaneously I use other therapies such as homeopathy… and now I’ve added cuddling. 🙏🏿

beaubliss

Hey Olydan.....I have a few suggestions
1) Connect with more than one cuddler, if possible....this will support you easing away from feeling dependent upon one.
2) Never forget that "your" cuddler has potentially dozens of other clients she is connecting with at some level. She may have feelings for all, but she is a professional, and those feelings are generally authentic in the session....but most do not take their work home with them. If part of your trust issue includes being vulnerable with others while not truly knowing their level of care/love, just remind yourself that the cuddler is engaging with you professionally, though it may feel personal.
3) Reflect upon what brings you the most joy in a cuddle session, and perhaps focus more clearly on the compassionate touch being provided, instead of an intimate holding space for your feelings. Cuddle therapy is primarily a physical expression, creating a safe, compassionate space to hold and be held; focus on how good that feels, instead of seeking a personal partnership. It may feel like you are being loved, and it should, but that is quite different from actually being loved by a friend or lover with whom you have a history, or a future.
4) As others have noted, do seek out a therapist who is truly a professional, and can meet you exactly where you are, with the tools that can support your needs. Though folks on this site refer to cuddlers as "professionals" (me included:)), they are only such because they charge money for their touch. It implies no formal training, or even a set of skills; your emotional needs notwithstanding, these cuddlers may find themselves ill-equipped to deal with the intensity some bring to sessions.
5) Finally, my strongest suggestion is to take the opportunity to truly celebrate with a cuddle therapist. Experience delight that you are welcome to hug and be hugged, to give/receive intentional touch.....many go through days/weeks/even months, without such touch. Find joy in the present as you recognize how fortunate you are to celebrate such intimacy with another human.

We are your brothers and sisters....and we are sending our love and support as much as we can!