Eye Contact

j_land

I understand eye contact can be a very powerful thing between people. When I cuddle, a slight smile and a friendly gaze into the other persons' eyes enhances the experience. Even if you don't know the person very much, you might get a feeling of warmth, belonging and security. If you cuddle with a stranger, or someone you've met with on this site, how comfortable do you feel about eye contact? (Related to a recent cuddle experience - the other person didn't seem very comfortable with eye contact.) I wonder if there is some "unspoken rule" I should follow about eye contact...

Jubal

I've learned to bring it up in discussion prior to meeting, as I really do enjoy looking into my cuddle partners eyes a fair amount. It's also an essential part of my profession, in that you have to be able to look someone in the eyes during negotiations.

But quite a few people are uncomfortable with making and maintaining eye contact, both in cuddling and in more mundane things. So it's a good thing to talk about in advance.

ClubSamwiches

Hi @j_land! Eye contact can be uncomfortable for some people, especially first time meeting. When it comes to cuddling, I think eye-gazing should be treated like touching- ask for consent.

pmvines

Not personally a fan , that's a little too boyfriendish for me but it does seem to be popular with some people. I am a little funny anyway about too much eye contact anyway though, even in non intimate things like cuddling.

pmvines

Unscented_Lemon

I'm autistic. Eye contact is uncomfortable for me at best. On the other hand, if I look away or close my eyes, that means I'm paying extra attention to you.

TxTom

I love eye contact. One of my favorite cuddlers would stare right into me with her piercing, pale blue eyes, and with the widest, warmest, friendliest smile ever, she would say "hello, you!"

SweetPeaJen

I love eye contact, but not usually the first time that I cuddle with someone. I find it really uncomfortable in everyday situations, let alone face to face with a stranger. LOL! The more I know a person, the more eye contact I will give and like receiving. 😍

TruePower

Eye contact.... new goal for my next booking.

eye contact = creepy

PeopleLikeUs

Ask first. There's also a free site for it at https://www.human.online/

Minestrone101

Too intimate for me. Perhaps a glance or holding their attention for a bit while chatting, but I wouldn't hold a gaze...it's too personal. Even when I am partner dancing or having coffee with a friend , which is a less intimate setting, I wouldn't do so. Personally, I'd avoid that situation unless I'm familiar with the person and we're having an intense talk. Too datey for me.

Ironman294

Eye contact usually leads to bashfulness or giggling. But it can be nice. It’s something that happens during sessions and no biggie.

PrettyLuv

No way, the eyes are the windows to the soul. I just want to cuddle, not really to be seen.

peacefulcuddler

Too intimate for someone I'm not romantically involved with. A little is ok, especially if they ask, but otherwise a bit much for me

Ironman294

Weird making eye contact is too intimate but bodies in a tight embrace is less. I would say the opposite. But that’s me. Somethjng nice about looking at each other for a little bit.

JBearz

If we're having a conversation, eye contact is fine with me.

But laying there saying nothing, gazing sensually into eachother's eyes? Nope, too much for me, I may accidentally fall in love if I look too long.

carrieanne

Defining as a Pro, by “eye contact” do you mean gazing directly into each other’s eyes in silence? “Seeing” to know, learn & care about them? Showing intensity? Very intimate, and tells me a lot about someone who will or won’t in cuddling. They would have to initiate and I will return and hold steady. It shows me that they see me as a real person and I love it. It’s a way of giving back to me during a session but I don’t expect it. The ones who rarely look into my eyes are All Business and that’s fine too. They are there to be pampered and that’s what I’ll do.

In general situations, by looking at each other during conversation we show we are paying attention and are interested in what the other is saying.
I will lose interest and go silent if someone I’m having a direct conversation with can’t look back at me while we’re talking.

j_land

Yes, I mean gazing directly into each other's eyes in silence. To feel a connection. Not with flirtatious eyes, not with lustful eyes, not with sad eyes, not with aggressive eyes, not with dominant eyes, not with submissive eyes, but for two people to look into each others' souls, just for a moment. To me, it doesn't matter that they are someone I've just recently met. It's about the human connection.

In fact, I think it's much more intense when it's with a stranger.

CharlieBear

I get super awkward with eye contact. I’m not a confident person so if someone is staring at me (which is how it feels, even if they are not) I can’t return the gaze. Once I know the person well it’s fine, but even then, I feel like I’d still avoid it while cuddling.

zerocantaloupe

I have an eye that I can intentionally set to a slightly different direction. Very helpful when you don't want to maintain eye contact.

This is interesting to me. If the cuddling experience is to promote therapy through connection, how is eye contact a thing? Literally, that's how we connect.

SweetPeaJen

OMG @MisterP I'm crying! 😂😂🤣🤣😂🤣 Hopefully eye contact while cuddling doesn't involve that! (I'm such a child.)

can't express enough how much i love looking into someone's eyes in an intimate moment, i really feel connected to the person in that moment , it makes everything so special

TxTom

@pmvines And that brings up another interesting point. If eye contact is not a thing, how is it that virtual cuddling is a thing?

pmvines

@TxTom different strokes for different folks. I think there are people who truly get things out of it that others wouldnt . I feel it just has to do with that person. Same could be said for in person cuddling, like some people need more than sitting next to someone holding hands to feel like it is emotionally helpful. I try to be flexible with my definitions of things when it comes to subjective benefits of something like cuddling, like in this case I would consider cuddling to be allotted a certain amount of flexibility, or in this case, virtual cuddling

sillysassy

Omgosh.... this is so intriguing! Thank you @j_land for the post! I do think you hit on something very important.... "unspoken rule" I think everything that I love about the cuddle world is that we don't take things for granted. We try pretty hard not to have things that are important to us stay UNSPOKEN and instead we try to SPEAK them and have communication around them. Hopefully we are all trying to know ourselves better so that we can easily let others know.

I also wonder if there is a different feeling for people who identify as asexual or the different spectrums because of how emotions flow differently? i.e. if I'm understanding correctly "a person who has no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone." Those who feel sexual connections more often might feel like its a romantic/sexual gesture?

I had one experience with a cuddler who ALWAYS wanted to eye gaze.

@Charlie_Bear brought up the fact that he is less confident (and I know him to be a bit shy and introverted) and feels uncomfortable with eye contact until he knows someone better. Let me start with.... I am an Extrovert and I FELT UNCOMFORTABLE AS WELL!!! I've been trying to bring back memories to get a good feel of things and what I believe I said in the moment was it seemed as though he was so uncomfortable in his world and he felt that if we could have a "really strong connection" at this cuddle then he wouldn't feel lonely.

I think it was the unreasonable expectation that I could fix his loneliness with the cuddle. (I am using a lot of words because its hard to relay the FEELING of what happened.) He wasn't being present with me and our connection and our mutual needs, it FELT as if he was trying to drain everything out of me in order to take it with him. (THIS is also a reason that enthusiasts like me redirect some others to PRO's... Its hard to hold space for that kind of need and it feels unbalanced)

Secondarily, I was thinking that there's a reason why some of us cuddle with strangers.... We know them enough to feel safe and secure that they are going to respect boundaries and not try and kidnap us, but we aren't necessarily looking to be KNOWN completely or know them down to the bottom of our souls. Certainly not during the first meeting. The eyes ARE a window into someone's soul and that is a fairly private place.

I know @pmvines was being funny with the video but I believe there is some real truth there. I LOVE WHAT WAS SAID ABOUT CONSENT (and of course he didn't ask... Steve Martin told her it was her reward.) Its just like anything... you never know how someone feels about it until you ask.

I also feel that eye contact has to do with a level of acquaintance. Like a pyramid of intimacy... Those that make up the bottom layer are like people who you've just met in an elevator. You wouldn't try to catch their eyes for more than just a quick glance because that is somehow appropriate and feels reasonable for a stranger (in fact they might completely AVOID eye contact!) Whereas those people who are at the TOP of the pyramid are fewer but there's much more closeness for a variety of reasons. You know them well enough... They've most likely made it through a lot more of your Shrek onion layers and you already feel more comfortable with them knowing some of your deeper thoughts and feelings.

@saysoh It is so good to see you back! I agree it is very interesting to be sure! The human connection is very powerful. 😊

pmvines

I think for me , its weird. Becsuse it makes me feel a little weird . But for others its not weird , so I can't say it's by definition weird, because it's just weird to me . The therapist in me does see the benefit, particularly in those with low self esteem, those needed to feel seen in the literal sense as well as figurative, and those who have history of trauma or abuse, and live their lives fearing consequences of looking others in the eye . But that is of course case by case , not for everybody.

Minestrone101

@sillysassy 💯

Unless...

ScroogeMcducky

One of the recommended things to do for your page is post a picture showing your eyes. If its complicated to do so in person, wear sunglasses or meet in public.
Most of all though be yourself. Cuddling is cool, but comfort is better.

Lisa123

Eye contact while talking is good, it shows the other person you're really listening. Prolonged eye contact without talk led one person to lean in as if they were going for a kiss. It was stopped before it happened and nothing else was tried. He seemed rather embarrassed, actually. Since then, if there isn't active conversation going on I put my head down onto chest/shoulder/etc and snuggle in. Everyone knows the cuddle rules, unfortunately everyone knows they get broken too. I don't want to unintentionally invite a behavior I don't find acceptable.