What is it like to break somebody’s heart?

Spud424

I have never ended any relationship I have been in…or ones I wanted to be in. I have always been the dumpee and never the dumper. From my marriages to the handful of girlfriends I had to the dozens of unrequited loves in my life. I don’t ever want to be in that position to have to do that. I can’t even imagine doing that…in the off chance I ever do pair up with a woman again I would never ever ever hurt her like that…I don’t want anybody to suffer my constant pain I have had throughout my life.

I am Genuinely curious how somebody fires somebody else. What have your experiences been?

Yes it is 1245am right now and yes these are the random things I think about when I can’t sleep

BashfulLoner

It’s like i never want to do it, so i try not to. I also don’t ghost but I’m honest completely when the dialogue allows it.

Melancholy

I was like you. Always the one whose heart was broken. But not too long ago I had to break someone's heart because I didn't have the same feelings for her that she had for me.
The thing is. It hurt just as bad. Even worse. It was far worse for me. I couldn't stand breaking someone's heart because I know what it's like. So I felt like I was breaking mine at the same time. I still hurt today.
I know it wasn't my fault or I mean I didn't intend it to happen. You can't control your feelings right ?
But I still feel the guilt and sorrow we well as the familiar pain that comes from broken hearts.
I don't want anyone to love me anymore. I try to tell people I'm a jerk. Just have fun and forget me. I'm not worth it. But I know we can't always control our feelings.

sunnysideup

@Melancholy if you feel
Badly about it, You can’t be half as bad as you’re saying. Dating is risky and all participants are willing and should understand this.

I also have not been in the position of being the breaker rather than breakee.

PrettyLuv

I can’t bring myself to break up with someone, unless it’s for a valid reason (like cheating). Otherwise, I’ll just either ghost or make something up to give them an easy out.

MrPaul

It’s not easy, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love them, just that you are not compatible with each other.

Look at it from the other’s perspective and ask yourself, would you want to be with someone who doesn’t choose you?

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

sunnysideup

@PrettyLuv I might be misinterpreting your answer, but if I were seeing someone with some form of mutual exclusivity (or however we define dating) and they ghosted me, I’s consider them as breaking up with me but maybe worse since there’s no explanation.

And if I already like someone, there simply wouldn’t be any easy way for them to end it.

WriterGF

Sometimes you have to end a relationship to save your sanity. And sometimes the person you are breaking up with wants to end it too, but doesn't want to be the one to actually have to say it.

Clarity is kindness. If it isn’t a good fit for both people, it is truly more hurtful to stay. I have been broken up with kindly and broken up kindly. There are usually wonderful things about that person that we love and admire. It’s important to encourage them in those in the parting.
The key is, always leave someone better than you found them and there is growth in every relationship. Some aren’t meant to be forever and it’s helpful to remember that.

The relationships that I have been most hurt from are those that I realize(d) at any point that they were not honest about their true feelings.

friendlyhugging

@Spud424 , i would guess that at some point in time you have broken someone's heart but you might not have realised it.

cde123

This is a great question @Spud424. I've found that staying with a woman who loves you but you don't feel the same way is basically how you break her heart.

I made this mistake back in college where I kept something going too long because I liked her as a person, but I wasn't romantically interested in her. Breaking up was something that had to be done in that case. If I have to do it I will always stay in touch, gently, rather than ghosting because I know people are thinking could've/should've. I've also been on the other side of breaking up with someone I truly wanted and I know that being ghosted and unable to get answers was the way to truly hurt me.

To be honest breaking up with someone feels like a duty of care for her, and completely different than being broken up with, when the tears come out. (I'll be honest that's pretty much the only time I cry as a man - losing important people in my life.)

Melancholy

Just wanted to mention that I believe ghosting someone is possibly worse than outright breaking up with them. It has the same affect. But worse because they don't know what happened. They might spend years maybe a lifetime wondering what happened and second guessing everything they do from then on. They might start worrying that each person in their life after that might do the same. They may end up with an unreasonable fear about that since they don't know why it happened before it makes it very hard to predict if it will happen again with someone new.
So if you ghost someone just remember you're being more hurtful than you realize.

mettamso

This is life, it's really really big. It can be wonderful. Remember, a "no" to one thing allows you to have a "yes" to something else. The people you love do not go away. They stay in your heart to remember forever. You have the option of continuing the relationship in your own heart. (For instance, what fun adventure would I do if x was here?)
Giving and receiving a breakup well has elements of honesty accountability and the chance to try something new. It is an opportunity... the same way that you get to play a new song when one ends, even if it was your favorite. It doesn't have to be endless suffering. We've all done enough suffering.

Right now, you can choose to love yourself better than anyone else on Earth. You know exactly what you like and need.

In Buddhism, there's this concept called "the second arrow". It's a self-hurtful reaction to adverse situations. If someone declines a romantic offer, we have the choice to believe we are diminished, less than, to dwell on it, or to seek out new joys for ourselves. We choose this. Choose well my friend.

Life is so short. I hope you spend your life seeking joy, remembering good times, and savoring this beautiful moment.

Mike403

Ghosting is childish imo. Just break up with them like a mature adult.

sunnysideup

agreed with others that ghosting is more hurtful. I’d only ghost someone I didn’t respect.

stormydaycuddle

Depends on the person and situation. I am unfortunately about to do it to a long-time friend because I said, "hey, let's get coffee and catch up," and he heard, "let's go on a date" Even though I made it clear I don't date anymore when I realized the mistake during coffee the hint hasn't been taken. I'm going to have to say something rather direct, and it is heartbreaking. I'm trying to think of the best way to say something to avoid losing a friend, but it's beyond that at this point.

Mike403

@stormydaycuddle - Some people can't take a hint and you have to be blunt. If he respected you, he'd understand.

stormydaycuddle

@mike403 hugs.

TNNative

My experience is that both sides of this "coin" are painful. My most recent break up was very painful. I ended the relationship, and my heart had been breaking for a few months before I had the courage to leave. He became more angry than he already was, and that was unavoidable.

mistic233

@stormydaycuddle aaaand that's exactly why I don't have female friends , I believe men should either have male buddies or female romantic partners and that's about it , the male female friendship dynamic hardly ever works for men

TruePower

@mistic233 How do you feel towards female cuddle partners then?

WriterGF

The vast majority of my friends, dating back to high school, have been women. I think maybe once a friendship turned romantic, otherwise my partners have been people I have dated from the start. Sure, there were women friends I might have liked to date, but not enough to risk the friendship.

HumbleBaron

Literally or figuratively ?

PrettyLuv

👻
Both

cde123

I think for guys it definitely takes ongoing discipline to be friends with somebody you find really attractive. You basically need to make sure you never think of her romantically. If a guy is assuming he's on a date, it may be too late and he's already mixed things up in his mind. Romance ups the stakes. It's like romance is everything or nothing - can't go there with friends.

stormydaycuddle

I don’t think I was clear enough here. Edited/Removed

TruePower

@stormydaycuddle well that's a harsh way of putting it. Most men (straight) need bar 1 minimum women in their life, platonic friend or girlfriend, because they can provide a level of comfort men cannot.
I think it has more to do with where a man is in his life, the Pyramid of Needs, when he befriends a girl. Does he already have women in his life, or is he at zero and this is #1?

CozyWolfy

I still feel really guilty for ending it with my ex. We still are good friends an co parent but I hope she finds someone that makes her happy. It's unavoidable though if your not happy. Staying with someone your whole life when your unhappy is unfair to you and unfair to them. Iv been on both sides of it an it's crappy on both sides.

SleddRider

@Spud424
since you have had your heart broken as you have said...
then just realize how you felt, and then you have answered your own question..
all else discussed is merely each and everyone's personal stories,
which is a good thing that we can all share personal feelings...

bottom line, it hurts like hell, either breaking or being broken..

PeopleLikeUs

The key to the broken hearted scene is forgiveness. Hurting is part of the risk involved. I stop and forgive others and myself on occasion.

stormydaycuddle

I’m just going to let this one go. I’m not being very clear I feel. And it’s fine I’d rather not be misinterpreted.