@AllAboutSoul In case you didn't reference a previous interaction between @GreatHornedOwl and I, there's a vast difference between being too afraid/insecure or just outright deceptive and having a partner suffering from Alzheimer's. You can't compare the two situations.
These men have spouses whose cognitive abilities are fully intact and are choosing to go behind their backs to spend time with other women. I don't care if they just wanted to meet for coffee.
They have a spouse who is not privy to choices they are making without their knowledge. They have a spouse who they all admitted to me did not know and would not approve.
People like this are asking others to participate in deception and possibly placing others in harms way. I will not risk some pissed off spouse harassing me, stalking me, defaming me online, or physically harming me or my family because they assume I'm having an affair with their spouse. Let's be realistic - that's the conclusion any spouse would draw if they found out their spouse was going into another person's home for hours at a time.
You're right - I judge these people as unworthy of the risk of getting harassed or shot because they refuse to manage their relationship issues. I have absolutely zero guilt about taking that stance.
It's related to what @WriterGF said, though I personally don't care whom my partners cuddle. It really isn't that complicated. It's the Golden Rule - treat others as you wish to be treated. I know what the betrayal and heartbreak of deception and broken relationship agreements feels like, so I will not knowingly participate in contributing to someone else feeling that. Period.
I'm not quite certain why people seem to think it's some convoluted way of adding drama or asking a ton of personal questions - it's in fact avoiding both. I leave it up to the cuddle partner/client to disclose or not. Will some potentially lie to me/obfuscate by omission as well? Possibly, though I'd hope they'd respect my boundary enough to find someone else to cuddle rather than put me in that position.
Edit to add: and to say people don't bring their personal values in to their business dealings is frankly just silly. We humans do it all the time. If we believe people should treat each other with kindness, we're unlikely to go in to business and start being rude to everyone. If our personal values dictate that we give more than we take, we're unlikely to go to work and become lazy and do bare minimum. There's a difference between carrying over one's personal morals/values into work life and inflicting/forcing one's morals onto clients. I am not forcing clients to follow my morals, and as I said I do not judge them as I know there's a million reasons why relationship situations are complicated. I just have a boundary for my own mental health and comfort that I have learned I need to enforce over time.
@cuddlefaery Yes, while the risk of harassment or physical harm is my most prominent reason for not engaging in deceiving someone's partner, this also plays a part.
Helping to deceive another person does not feel right in my heart. I would essentially be agreeing to hurt someone. The logic of "but they'll never know" isn't sound."
The majority of people in relationships who are being lied to feel "something is off." They start watching their partner. They may track their phone, go into their accounts, or even follow them to confirm their suspicions.
Even if a spouse never showed up at my door, the idea that I participated in behavior that hurt them doesn't sit well with me. Since cuddling - at least for me - is about positive energy and comfort, deceiving/hurting someone in the process doesn't align with the experience.
Edited to add: And this is about MY choices and boundaries. I don't care what anyone's else's cuddle decisions are. So, if my perspective makes you defensive in the least for whatever reason, rest assured I support the decisions you make in choosing your cuddle partners.
@Calibrate715 exactly. It doesn't matter to me if the partner never finds out, doesn't end up mad, etc. The act of intentional deception, especially done doubly by including a 2nd unwilling participant (me), is a choice I do not wish to be party to.
I didn't even consider the risk of harassment or drama to be honest 😅
Comment removed per user's request. [ @Sideon ]
@cuddlefaery This is what is so confusing to me! Why is everyone acting as if people are never harassed or harmed based on assumptions? There's too much crime t.v. for anyone not to consider the risk🤦 Gahhhh, my head lol
@stdisc0827 No, I did not make that statement. But feel free to peruse all the comments. There are both enthusiasts and pros that are not concerned with this aspect and will cuddle someone without their partner's knowledge. Their life, their choice.
But MY life, MY choice as well.
@stdisc0827 ethics and morality are two separate spheres for one thing, and both can be approached both subjectively and objectively. I can understand why people are able to compartmentalize how their interactions impact others beyond their direct cuddle partners - I'm just not one of them.
@Calibrate715 Not to mention the risk (however small) that you could be named in someone's divorce. Regardless of what the site says or a profile says, who would want to sit in a courtroom or give a deposition and try to prove that the two hours they spent in bed with someone was all platonic?
@WriterGF I actually explained this to a pro in a private message. I was stalked and harassed and had false online accusations made against me over an animal rescue situation.
This woman said she could no longer care for a dog. I arrange a foster, surgery for a major medical issue, and transport up North to a rescue. Get called her "angel." Only to have her want the dog back after surgery - so many reasons (drugs among them) this wasn't safe for the dog.
She surrendered the dog in order to get free surgery and then wanted it back. Not the first time people tried this in my nearly 20 years of doing animal rescue. When we declined, she began making false accusations against me online. She even went so far as to say I was sleeping with the head of the humane society (never even met the man).
She posted a false reward with details of the city I lived in and mentioned my autistic child as an identifier. This was over a DOG.
If anyone thinks participating in the deception of a spouse carries no risk, I consider that being willfully oblivious.
This has been an interesting discussion to follow.
I wonder what would have happened if OP had said "I have a strict boundary of honesty."
That is a blanket statement to cover what it is that she seems to be addressing. I think everyone can agree that they would like to believe people are being honest until they prove themselves otherwise. It is up to each person if its a "one and done" or "three strikes you're out" mentality.
If THAT was her boundary, a desire for honesty, would there be such frustration? Unlikely.
OF COURSE Pro's have to have a different perspective and a space that they hold for people because it is a profession. I don't believe that you can easily correlate the two.
The MOST AMAZING thing I found through the world of cuddles and the work shops at cuddle parties was this. MY BOUNDARY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE UNDERSTOOD OR EXPLAINED TO BE WORTHWHILE AND RESPECTED
It is each of our jobs to take care of ourselves. Whatever that looks like. My story is not your story.
End. Of. Story. 😊
As far as blocking.... There have been a lot of threads that speak to this. The first time someone blocked me I was hurt, sad, confused etc. We had been having a meaningful conversation etc. Later in threads they mentioned that they "use the block feature if someone is too far away." They weren't interested in a pen pal and they didn't know I was planning to visit their state. They weren't being unkind, they were just managing their inbox. No worries. Easy Peasy. It has been said before.... LOTS of times the block feature doesn't have anything to do with feelings of like or dislike, best to not take it personally when an internet stranger blocks you...... it isn't the same as your best friend or your family doing it.
I’m not saying anyone’s boundaries shouldn’t be respected pro or otherwise. I’m confused at the convolution and yes, it still is highly convoluted but while I am trying to understand what’s up… it is your thing. You don’t need a reason as @sillysassy said. This wasn’t a personal attack by any means.
The reason I WAS questioning is because the argument for some is ”yeah, to everyone…your point is great. (Which it may be) I’ll talk about that for a while… but that’s not what my reasons are…” Then goes into kinda problematic interpersonal stuff...(pro arena) Whatever the reasons are fine.. Don’t think I’m trying to make someone change their boundaries by saying so.
This is a public forum though not a personal blog so I’d suggest expecting questions regardless. Your rules. Your life. I was never arguing that or really arguing at all. Public forum.
To another point that is a little separate from the convoluted part of this but related. The deception is going to happen. And a lot with pros. It isn’t problematic because that’s your boundary. It’s thinking there’s something you can do to control that then being in the pro arena. While that boundary of yours is perfectly reasonable expect it to be ignored because liars don’t care. You don’t have to accept it when it happens but expect it. A lot.
This is answering so many people at once so please don’t take the second person narrative personally.
To be clear you get to be fixed to your boundaries for whatever reason you want to be.
And you get to take emotions with you wherever you go. That’s not the weird part of this either.
[parody]
I saw a thread called "People Cuddling Without Their Partner's Knowledge". and I kept reading it as "parent's knowledge"
So, here's a thread on this. Let's say you're an adult. Do you tell your parents you are cuddling? If not, you are violating your parents trust.
JK. have a great day
Comment from a merged thread, "People Cuddling Without Their Parents Knowledge" [Charlie_Bear]
I used to but now my parents know and support my decision (but live alone). Lol 😜😅😂🤣
@sillysassy i actually think I’m the OPs case (or anyone’s) she needs to be as specific as possible. Not because she should HAVE to but because people dance on their heads to skew boundaries. Not AT ALL arguing with you. Hugs.
Well i no longer have my parents ..but my sister and daughter know that i cuddle..i feel if i have to hide it then i shouldnt be doing it lol
I think it’s important to tell your parents, aunts/uncles, cousins, significant other, siblings, neighbors, friends and pets. Might want to include a stranger as well to make sure you’ve covered all your bases
My parents are gone, but given that everyone outside of CC I have talked to about this site immediately assumes it's a cover for sex work, no, i probably wouldn't have told my parents.
@Calibrate715 I appreciate this truth....
Why is everyone acting as if people are never harassed or harmed based on assumptions?
What I found interesting is that because of my experiences I wouldn't have thought about the angry/crazy spouse showing up on my door. Your story about the crazy dog lady gave you a very strong reason to imagine harassment and holy hell... I can see it more clearly with that perspective in mind. I was thinking about it through my own lens of life happenings.
@stormydaycuddle I didn't (and never do actually) think that you are attacking in general as opposed to speaking your truth. I will always take the hugs though!!! ACCEPTED. 😊😊😊
I was speaking in general terms regarding the OP's speficic boundary. I was reflecting upon something that happened with a cuddler after I had known them for awhile. It was a LIE that wound up hurting so much more because I had assumed that appreciating honesty was a "given" with everyone. I didn't allow space for people to have their own version of truthtelling.
It became something I was much more vocal about.
@stormydaycuddle I think this is an accurate reflection of humans. (my emphasis)
The deception is going to happen. And a lot with pros. It isn’t problematic because that’s your boundary. It’s thinking there’s something you can do to control that
When I came to a place of understanding that I can only control my actions, my response, my emotions, it was so much easier to just let people be whoever they were going to be. Absolutely no judgement.
Just not in my castle. They have to stay outside of the moat.
@Calibrate715 and holy yikes!!!! Wtf. People are crazy. Like bunker down and never come back out. Jk. But seriously that’s making me want to go buy canned goods and tp.
That’s kinda the thing. You can prepare for it but especially being a pro you’re going to be standing there saying, “What the holy flip…” way too often. Not fair, not right, not what should happen… but it’s kinda like um… (changing this because I just remembered the classical term has taken on racial connotations as of late and whether it’s classical or not things change and you have to acknowledge they have new meaning)
I’ll go with… you’re not going to get the cards you want when you want them and more often than not the knave just took off with all the tarts 😂😂😂 All kidding aside, don’t swap your boundaries or compromise them. Totally not where I'm coming from.
I have not told my parents, not really their business. I'm lucky enough to still have them both with me despite being in my 50's
Um, I clicked on this thread and almost said something that would sound incredibly off. My eyes did not view the word change and I thought I’d already seen all the comments so I was scrolling toward the bottom.😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 onto point though. My mom knows. She doesn’t for a second think it’s sex work but every time I go on a trip to cuddle she sighs and suggests new ways I could defend myself. A mom thing I think.
Because why not?
Comment from a merged thread, "People Cuddling Without Their Pets Knowledge" [Charlie_Bear]
Would your pet just know that you did because of their enhanced senses. Would they be upset….well your cat wouldn’t.
My dog said that’s illegal, sorry I don’t make the rules.
No, my parents are so old fashioned and traditional they would not understand. I’ve tried having conversations with my mom about stuff like this and she will not have it.
I was trying to upload a video I have of when my grandpup got super jealous of me petting the cat. He definitely does not like when he can smell another animal on me 🤣
@stormydaycuddle I settled for security cameras, a .38, and a shotgun lol. I think we all did the canned goods and tp when the Covid lockdown happened though 😆
honestly if i told my mom she'd die of embarrassment