Taken For Granted

redbeard87

Do you ever feel like you're going to a website like this and you feel like you're not sure why? Almost like you know what you want. But when you are here you do not have a clue as to how to approach it. I messaged someone once on this website and they responded to me that they did not feel that we would be a compatible match. Why do I feel like the rejection is something that feels out of place? It seems very unusual. Granted, it's not like everybody connects or feels entitled. But even you don't know if you are a good enough connection to the other. It's almost like they are telling you you're no good without getting to know you. I feel like it's no different than any other dating sites. I'm not really here to find a special someone, but I'm also a little pressured when asked about children.

Is this valid enough to ask the community at large? Does anybody know what I'm talking about? Are we taking an experience like this for granted?

Thank you for your time.

cerealboxes84

I am finding this also to be like a dating site. I’m not looking for a date, I am not looking for that three letter word starting with s; I’d just like to meet someone that I can get along with and be platonic cuddle buddies. It shouldn’t be this hard! But I get the same rejections of “you’re not my type,” and the same creepily laced messages wanting me to meet them in a hotel room sight unseen.

People take caring, physical touch for granted if they are already getting it. If they are not getting that, then they are on places like this. It is weird to be on here looking for this kind of thing, but I do appreciate that this place exists. If only people used it correctly.

Many social, or “dating”, websites and apps have this problem.

It has been shown, time and time again, that women on theses types of social sites reject 80-90% of men as being “below average” and not a “compatible fit”.

From OKCupid, to Tinder, to Bumble, their own internal data collection has shown that these kinds of sites are TERRIBLE for most of the men who try to use them.

I am not remotely interested in the “Why?” of this fact, but it is a REALLY GOOD idea to keep in mind that you, as a man, are competing against nearly insurmountable standards. And competing with only text, and a photo or two.

Even here on Cuddle Comfort there are reasons that female professionals pay a percentage of their appointment fees, while male professionals are required to pay a monthly fee.

I have a few friends here, and as time killers go, these forums are interesting every so often.

But, if you are looking to connect with someone your best option as a man is to go out into the actual flesh and blood world.

I do that, personally, by being a musician and by donating some time each week to a few charities and nonprofits that I want to see succeed.

Above all else, please take nothing here, or on any social media platform, personally.

Humans are flesh and blood, and the digital world hasn’t figured out how to translate that, except in the broadest of strokes.

And, by the way, I get depressed and hopeless too here, wondering what, “Did I do wrong?”, or,“What’s wrong with me?”, when chats suddenly go silent, or are ignored entirely.

So you are not alone in feeling this way.

I simply do my best to remember that my personal value shines far brighter in person than through a small screen.

And some days I even succeed in remembering that!

Keep in mind that any woman on here -- enthusiast or pro -- is getting buried in messages, because men vastly outnumber women here. This is why most messages go unanswered. And no one is obligated to cuddle with anyone they don't feel 100% comfortable with. I don't blame anyone, of any gender, for being extremely selective when it comes to this.

cuddlefaery

It cannot be overstated: everyone can benefit from therapy and learning better social skills. Everyone.

Also: can we make it a thing, to search forums for your answer before you ask, instead of us getting the same topic over and over again?

Yes, rejection sucks. People aren't always compatible, no matter if the social relationship is platonic, professional, familial, romantic, sexual, or some combination of any of the above. Learning to process rejection, of any kind, and use it as helpful information or discard it as unhelpful and in the past is a necessary part of emotional maturity for humans. The more you practice the skills, the easier it gets, but if you keep ignoring the problem altogether then it will never get easier.

Bear

Rejection has nothing to do with the person being rejected. It’s the person who is rejecting that either is making an assumption, a snap decision, or a gut feeling. I’ve dealt with it most my life, and my insecurities would always get the best of me. I’ve been overweight since grammar school and I always believed when I got rejected it was because of my body size. I’ve been working on improving my confidence and self-esteem and I also know that a lot of the women get multiple messages so they may not reply.

I read one of a previous forum replies that gave great Advice. Try a second time and then, if still nothing move on.

It’s also a numbers game. Recently, I reached out to a few different people, and one person replied back. Over the years when I was going through dating sites or such I would hope to connect with one person and had my hopes or expectations on this one connection and it wouldn’t manifest and that would get depressing. I know longer do this. I also don’t take the rejection personally because as others have said , they’re looking at a screen and making judgments from that.

Minestrone101

My solution : send more messages and study the forum about how to better approach potential cuddlers. I was able to make some progress after a few months but got side tracked with stuff afterward.

Here's the thing: cuddling and touch is something we all want and crave. It is something valuable , and like all things valuable , it takes time and effort to learn and acquire.

I've danced for 13 years (Latin and some ballroom ) and never found a dance partner. I was very active on this site for 3-5 months and began connecting and meeting w awesome pple (pros and enthusiasts).

Imo, if you really want to do it, invest the time and energy to get to know the community, participate and spread positive vibes on the forum, and try to be the best cuddler you can be without getting upset or offended or getting angry that there aren't immediate results.

Best of luck.

redbeard87

I'm not even sure if I feel bad after said "rejection". I'll be honest, if anyone responds to me, I'm almost shocked. It's like you're put on the spot and you don't know quite what to say when you get the answering machine. I'd imagine that'd be the same for the other person. But I also just wonder if there's something that I have missed out on or couldn't even notice. I don't always respond to everybody or expect them to respond to me. I wonder if I'm just putting them in a awkward position. Because I know a thing or two about awkward.

TNcompassion

I'm not sure about others, but I respond to each and every message I receive...
It seems rude not to. We are here for a common reason.
I'd never want to be the reason someone has a bad day. I prefer to be the opposite. We need to lift each other up.
I'm sure that for some of the people that message me, it took a lot of courage on their part to do so. I don't take that for granted.
We may not be a great match, but if someone needs me, I want to be able to be there for them.
Just my take on the matter.

CuddleWho

@redbeard87

I messaged someone once on this website and they responded to me that they did not feel that we would be a compatible match. Why do I feel like the rejection is something that feels out of place? It seems very unusual.

This seems very unusual to you? This is completely normal in every way. While I definitely have sympathy for the comments discussing men's high rejection rates, rejection in some form is inevitably going to be a part of trying to make social connections with others.

@Bear

Rejection has nothing to do with the person being rejected. It’s the person who is rejecting that either is making an assumption, a snap decision, or a gut feeling

This makes no sense on any level. You're literally saying that any rejection is an error on the part of the rejector. It's definitely not. People can reject someone for any number of reasons, many of which are perfectly reasonable, and many of which are very much about the person being rejected.

As I said, I have sympathy for men who feel hurt by getting repeatedly rejected, but can we please try to keep discussions a little more rational?

cuddlefaery

Do y'all answer every spam phone call and feel bad when you hang up on the robo message? Do you feel obligated to hear out every telemarketer doing their spiel and ignoring your protests of "sorry, not interested"? If someone butt dials you do you sit and listen to the background noise waiting for them to realize that they called you? Do you answer every single phone call right when it happens, or do you ever let them just go to voicemail so you can call them back later when you are better able to dedicate the time/energy/mental focus?

Your time and energy are precious resources, whether or not you are working as a professional cuddler or not, and not every message is going to be worth your while or attention right at that moment. Similarly, others are going to read your messages, or even just see the notifications, and decide to dedicate their own time and energy elsewhere. It almost never is personal just as your decision to ignore the telemarketer isn't a personal judgement against them - the telemarketer is just doing their job, and you're doing your personal job of deciding what is best for you. Similarly with online messages, the receiver is just deciding how best to dedicate their mental/emotional/logistical resources and unless you are a creep breaking TOS, it likely has nothing to actually do with you.

Rejection isn't a bad thing - it's turning down a bad fit so that it opens up the possibility for better matches, because compatibility has to be mutual or it isn't actually a real match. Try not to overthink it (easier to say than do, believe me I know). If it seems like it's a pattern, you can try politely asking for feedback, but the better option would be to get some coaching on social-emotional skills to help you moving forward.

redbeard87

@CuddleWho

I guess what I meant was that the rejection (if that's now even appropriate to say) seems like I should not get my expectations too high. And maybe I don't feel rejected. I throw out responses to many and never followed up on some of them. Sometimes I'll see that they looked at my profile and that's it. I don't know if they'll be interested, and I'm okay with that. It's a little scary to see who's checked your profile sometimes, I'll admit. But if they don't respond or if you immediately expect something, what do you do to make sure that everyone is understanding? I'm not looking for anything far beyond a handholding or calming environment. But do we even take something like that expectation for granted?

CuddleWho

@redbeard87

Unfortunately I can't figure out what you're trying to say in this comment, so I'll get out of this thread now. Good luck with your cuddles in the future.

TheFunCartel

Yeah. Maybe.

pmvines

I think you might be complicating things through over thinking . Gonna drive yourself batty if you aren't careful.

HeatinWinter

It shouldn't be that hard to find someone that wants to use my arm for a pillow while being little spoon, but here we are. If you aren't willing to put in more than half the work to meet someone, you're just going to have to be prepared to not meet up with a cuddle partner.