Something of value or a bit over the top?

misterhightopp

So after reading a lot of profiles, I appreciate to the degree I can as guy, how much ya'll put yourselves out there. Having a 20 year old daughter, my absolutely perfect everything, I worry every second of every day she is safe.

She told me about a guy she met, that initially she was ok around, but later gave her bad vibes. So I was thinking, and I said you know what, next time or any or every time, make a stop at the local Sheriff's office together. Walk up to a desk sgt or whomever, and tell them you two are on a blind date and this gentleman agreed to let you run his background so you, at a criminal level, to some degree, can at least not have to worry about that.

If the guy is hiding anything, he is not going anywhere near that. Yet if he does it, and at least at a criminal level he is clean, you have a little insight and yeah he may have just not gotten caught yet sure (Damn LifeTime Channel).

So literally a few minutes ago, I was talking with a cuddler and felt as though I needed to do something to contribute to her overall comfort level where I could.

So would a female cuddler find it something of value, if I offered to do the same, immediately when we met? Or is it something that is just way over the top?

CharlieBear

I would say over the top, though at the same time if that is a service they actually offer, that would be interesting and I personally wouldn’t be opposed to having my background checked. I say over the top though because you can ask them for photo ID and the shady ones on here will typically not provide that so it would just save time asking someone that instead.

misterhightopp

Fair enough Charlie_Bear, fair enough. Totally not a listed service they provide, I agree. Although, neither is changing a tire for a motorist or a lot of what they do above and beyond. I don't see an officer turning down the request though, I mean they already plate scan traffic for example for a similar purpose albeit in the execution of their duties. Maybe I am oversimplifying it or way off base but if a person agrees to be run through the system, and it is in the interests of a woman's personal safety, I don't see them being denied all too often. I mean it could be an instant collar, but definitely serving and protecting. Edit: In fact, I want to know. I'm going to post in my local Sheriff FB Group and see what the response is and share here - granted it doesn't represent larger law enforcement. Definitely going to ask a couple at church this weekend, always a few there.

WriterGF

If she has the guy's name, she might be able to search for a criminal record online before she even meets him. I don't think police can do this just because someone asks, it has to be for a "permissible purpose." She could just use Spokeo.

CuddleHugs01234

I agree. A bit over the top. I think her going with her gut is wise. It sometimes takes a minute of getting to know them, or maybe it’s right off the bat, but our intuition is very valuable.

And if she has proper info to do a proper online check, that’s not bad. But you have to have specific info to do that because too many names pull up on common names.

Even if she does this, and it’s clean, still going with gut. Sometimes having to much info, we think then we don’t need to still go with our gut, but we do need to.

Cuddle_RN

I think if a potential cuddler offered me this, I might view it as trying too hard. I've developed my own screening system and put quite a bit of thought and trial-and-error into it. I do appreciate your concern for women's safety. This might go over better if I were younger and/or had less life experience. It certainly isn't wrong to be considerate in this way, as long as you can accept her No, I don't think it would be wrong to offer this.

In general, I still find myself leaning towards getting to know someone in public before taking things to a private location once I feel comfortable. That hasn't failed me yet.

Jova114

The intention is great but it's a lil bit over the top.
With the internet today you can do searches on people and kinda get a better sense of them.
And if someone is willing to give verification pics or go along with a screening process, that's an auto red flag

CuddlesbyJen

Who has time to go to the police station with everyone they cuddle? I can’t even imagine having the bandwidth for that. And if I have someone’s name I can run my own background check using my state’s judicial website. I do other things to mitigate risk.

WriterGF

I think it's also possible the police would get really annoyed with you. They have other things to do besides clear people's companions for them. And if you're a pro and trying to explain what you do for a living, they are most likely not going to understand.

Mike403

Many predators don't have a criminal record. They haven't been caught and convicted yet. This would only give people a false sense of security.

carrieanne

I guess if they offered without me asking (I never would) that would give me the answer anyway, right? I don’t ask for last names, they don’t have mine. My screening goes a different way.
I think if I asked, it would maybe start a negative energy.

misterhightopp

I'm glad I asked this here and grateful ya'll took the time to reply. Most of the replies touched on points I hadn't even thought about. @Cuddle_RN - I never even thought about that, definitely does look like someone is trying too hard. I also didn't even think about the systems folks already have in place. @WriterGF Yeah not the best use of their time, and probably a little selfish. I appreciate you all sharing your experience(s) with the FNG. So officially, a bit over the top!

MrMarkAndrew

Way too much.

cuddlefaery

To me, this sounds both like trying too hard and like covering up something else.

Abusers never abuse everyone - the most effective ones cultivate smoke screens with charming personalities, a gaggle of friends to back them up, gold star reputations... all so that no one will ever believe their victims if the victims ever even manage to speak up. The classic examples are the veteran police officer with perfect record who beats his wife, or the squeaky clean family-man politician who is involved in human trafficking.

Here on CC we see time and again reports from women who have been assaulted by men with multiple 5 star karma, and that happens for a reason. It's a well documented phenomenon in general with SA and it's why the karma system should NOT ever be used as a safety protocol.

While I get what OP is intending, it's approaching the problem from the wrong angle. Telling someone "I'm not a rapist, see!" is the best way to make them now have doubts and consider if you are, much the same way if you tell someone "don't think about an elephant" they will now immediately think about an elephant.

Instead, show them you can be trusted through your actions rather than telling them. Respect their boundaries, don't just tell them you will. Offer to meet them in public and ask if they'd like to do a video or phone call first. If possible, ask where they'd be most comfortable having the cuddle session and negotiate it - don't just default to your comfort (unless you're paying a pro to come to you). Practice enthusiastic consent - ask before you touch them some place new, give them a hug, change positions, etc. Don't assume that because something was ok last time it'll be ok this time - check in to see if anything is off limits or has changed. Make sure you are respecting and communicating your own boundaries, as women tend to appreciate that as well.

Let women decide if they want to run their own background checks. If they want to, they will (some already do and require DL info, etc.). We don't need to be patronized and protected - we need to be respected and treated as equals.

And if you really want some gold stars, talk to other men about how not to be creeps, how to respect boundaries and practice consent, how their behavior hurts them and other men as well as women. That'll go much, much further.

Edit: just for clarity, the "you" I'm using is general you, not directed at OP personally.

TxTom

@misterhightopp
As a father myself, this is a great idea for any potential dates my daughter might have in a few years when she gets to that age.

But for CC, meh.

CuddleDuncan

Walk up to a desk sgt or whomever, and tell them you two are on a blind date

I find this kind of remark deeply, deeply depressing. It's all too common on this forum.

Cuddling is not something to be ashamed of. And every time you mention it to somebody who has not come across it, you have a chance to make the world a better place.

Of course there are occasions when the circumstances are just not worth the explanation, and a bit of obfuscation is appropriate, but that is the exception not the rule. For example in five years of cuddling it's never happened to me.

(Oh, and I'm not sure it's a brilliant idea to lie to the police.)

Also, what @cuddlefaery said. If you are genuinely respectful in your heart, it shows.

PrettyLuv

In a perfect world this would be amazing but considering that police families have a 30% higher rate of committing domestic abuse than the general public, I can’t imagine them being a reliable source for documenting abuse being that they have a 40% chance of committing it themselves. Abusers are not as likely to document other abusers.

Not to mention the prejudice, racism and tensions that exist for some over others. For some young men, voluntarily walking into a precinct, even if completely innocent, is akin to walking in with a gun anyway.

The other issue with this is the false sense of security it might bestow on the female. He might come off with a perfect record and have a slew of unreported offenses in his back pocket. She might rely on a written background check moreso than her gut as a result.

& finally, I can’t help but mention the fact that sometimes opposites attract and some women, no matter how innocent, can be very attracted to the not so great guy, and if the not so great guy is a sweet talker, all those typical inner alarm bells in her gut may not go off fast enough for her to know to stay away even despite his record. Women can be very forgiving sometimes to our own detriment. That’s part of the reason why domestic violence can go unreported for so long.

ScroogeMcducky

Anything from the lifetime channel is over the top.

SunsetSnuggles

I don't like to ask for things I wouldn't be willing to give, myself. I would never give someone from the internet my ID, or even tell them my last name, unless I had an extreme level of trust built up, typically over several years. So I wouldn't do this for someone, and thus wouldn't ask it of someone.

I've honestly never worried about meeting a criminal, here. If they make it through my vetting process nowadays, they probably deserve to be forgiven of their crimes, for being an awesome person, anyway. 😛

~ Sunset Snuggles

PixiePassions

Over the top but a noble effort and concern on your part, for sure. 💜