Cuddling booking- wife isnt aware

ellethecuddler

I had a client approach me about scheduling a cuddle. I asked for logistics, where, when, ect. Then he freely offered the information that his wife is unaware that he is hiring a professional cuddler... It has me, uneasy. The last thing I want is to be put into a situation where say... The wife comes home during the cuddle. How awkward and potentially dangerous.

How would ya'll handle this situation?

WiserGuy3000

Client perspective here....but I was a client who considered (but never booked) cuddling sessions while I was still married.

I would NEVER, EVER, EVER have hosted in my home without my wife's awareness. I would not have been able to relax, worrying about the possibility of her unexpected arrival. I guess, if I had known she was across the country at the time or something, maybe.

But I'd say you are right to be uneasy. For your own personal safety, I think I'd insist on a different location.

cocoabomb

It is your choice.
As a professional or enthusiast.
Put it in your profile.

WiserGuy3000

@cocoabomb yes, the choices of Guest/Host/Public are available in everyone's profile. But you can't get super granular and say "Guest but only if you're single," which is the situation @ellethecuddler described.

CuddleDuncan

Some professionals would decline the booking altogether. Others would decline if it was to be hosted at the marital home.

The problem with these - very understandable and perfectly legitimate approaches - is that they risk leaving somebody who needs a cuddle, without one. Which isn't good.

As a consequence a few professionals might be happy to cuddle in the living room but not the bedroom. And of course some would just go ahead as with any ordinary booking.

I would start by exploring the situation a bit more and understanding the client's situation. Perhaps explain your concern. I've heard a lot of different stories about married people in the cuddling world, and the range of possiblities is much, much wider than you might imagine.

cocoabomb

@WiserGuy3000
She should put in her profile—
Relationship status is required prior to booking.
She seems very uneasy about him being married.
That is valid.
Her requirement is two-fold.
—Sketchy people will usually (not always) stay away from her.
—If they lie, she can report them and/or reflect it via karma.
Not all married cuddlers are sketchy.

achetocuddle

Your safety first, as always. Then one of the most effective things one can do is try to put yourself in the shoes of the person who is in the dark about what is going on.

SunsetSnuggles

The sad truth is that a massive portion of this site's members are married men whose wives are unaware of their husband's presence or actions, here. I say this not as an assumption, but because every time I am contacted by a man whose status is Married (or even more telling, whose status is blank), I ask them outright if their wife knows they're here. Nearly every one tells me no. There have been so few who have said yes in the past year and eight months I've been here, I can count them on one hand.

To all those who answer no, I tell them upfront that if they want to be friends and talk, that's cool, but know I will always be coming at it from the angle of encouraging them to either seek marriage counseling, come clean with their wife, or get a divorce. No one deserves to believe their marriage is a way it's not...no one deserves to have their life partner sneaking around behind their backs, whether it's platonic or not.

If you can't be honest with the person you vowed to cherish forever, you've got much bigger issues to worry about than physical touch needs not being met. 😔

This is not to say that I patently refuse to cuddle married men. It has happened, especially likely at group cuddles, where I may not even be aware of someone's status. But one-on-one, someone would have to give me a damn good reason (like an abusive relationship or a mental illness), and be on the path to either resolution or divorce. I have zero interest in cuddling people who choose to remain stagnant in their relationship and have no intentions of working toward honesty.

You can tell from Karma that many, many girls here do not have any such moral qualms.

I have deep sympathy and compassion for men who are in unhappy, unhealthy, or unfulfilled marriages. My heart breaks for them. I have some close friends who I care deeply about, in these kinds of scenarios. I just also have empathy for their wives, and would never want to put them in a place that would horrify me to be in, and break trust.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

🎄 Merry Christmas to my homies! ☃️

GentleCuddling

For me, it is none of my concern whether or not a client tells their spouse about hiring me, morally speaking. We're not escorts. We offer platonic services. I have a master's degree in psychology, so I'm offering cuddling/touch therapy as part of mental health support. If someone happens to be married, that seems like something we should talk about during a cuddle session. I'd view it as part of my job to talk to them about re-establishing communication and emotional honesty with their spouse - no matter what gender they are.

However, being a guest at a married person's home when there's an uninformed spouse creates a safety issue. I wouldn't agree to a session where my life could be in danger, so I would ask the potential client to choose from the public cuddle opportunities I offer.

beaubliss

@SunsetSnuggles I find it slightly sad that the examples you use as "a damn good reason" for a married man to seek out cuddling with a pro (abusive relationship or mental illness) are so limiting. Yes, those are good reasons, I suppose, but so is being poly, loving more affection than normally exists in one's marriage, wanting to connect with interesting and loving strangers (the stranger the better ), traveling and wanting connection.....and truly a whole host of reasons. I am very happily married, and my wife completely supports my cuddling activity, though neither of us believe that a healthy marriage should be based upon asking for permission. We simply let each other know that we support what the other enjoys, speak about our interests/activities generally, and celebrate the joy of the other. I don't cuddle out of need....rather, I cuddle to celebrate life and connection.

I just wanted you to know that there are some of us on CC who may be different from what you have assumed......

SunsetSnuggles

@beaubliss The original post, this thread, and my response, are all very specifically about spouses who are unaware. Polyamory is a completely different thing. What you describe with your wife is a completely different thing. I am also very happily in a relationship of five and a half years, and my boyfriend is fully aware of and supports my involvement in the cuddle community. You and I both share what this thread describes not having...honesty and openness with our significant others. Marriage is not the issue; honesty and lack of consent is.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

🎄 Merry Christmas to my homies! ☃️

bobadevotee

So bizarre to me that folks think just because it’s platonic cuddling that it isn’t something bad.

Sorry, but couples define cheating for their relationships differently. You as an outsider to the relationship do not define something as cheating or not. Some couples are poly and can have relations as long as it’s disclosed. Some are monogamous and even emotional cheating is cheating. Cuddling is 100% cheating to most people, platonic or not, and especially when the man is hiding it from his wife. The fact he’s lying about it and hiding it would be the real issue that makes it a betrayal. There are some folks who allow it in their relationships, but I think most people would require honesty about it even if they are allowing it in their relationship.

I mean, I’ll still take the booking. I work in sales, so I already don’t have a soul 😂 Just make sure you’re armed and someone knows your location in case the wife comes home and tries to kill you.

But let’s not lie to ourselves and act like this wouldn’t be considered cheating by most normal people.

xandriarain

I have had many married clients and clients in relationships over the years, and I can probably count on one hand the number of clients who disclosed to their partner that they were seeing a cuddle therapist. I honor client confidentiality and believe it is their right to receive cuddle therapy just as much it is their right to see a traditional talk therapist or seek any type of medical care or wellness service without their partner's knowledge or consent. As @bobadevotee said every couple defines cheating differently, and it is not my place to judge whether or not seeing me is cheating on their partner. There are plenty of relationships with a mismatched desire for touch, but other aspects of the relationship are good, and they do not want to throw away a good relationship over one unmet need. So they outsource their cuddle needs to me and don't tell their partner because they fear they will not understand and do not want to jeopardize the relationship.

Regarding cuddling in a marital home, I would discuss your concerns with the client beforehand. I once had a client who was married who had me come to his home, and his wife started installing security cameras in and around the home, so I had to start walking in the blind spots of the cameras. One time, he found out his wife was coming home early, and we had to drive to his office and finish our session there, which was not comfortable. While we never got caught, it was certainly stressful and took away from the experience of the cuddle session. Had I known those were the conditions I would not have come, but this was a client I had been seeing for a while, and the challenge of seeing me got worse over time. Even if the client is not married or in a relationship, I find it stressful when the client has me come to their home, and they have roommates, family members, parents, etc in the home. Especially when they do not disclose that I am a cuddle therapist. I do not want to have to pretend to be their friend or have them assume we are dating.

If you aren't already, I highly recommend you do a consultation call with clients beforehand via zoom or phone call so these types of issues can be discussed in detail.

cuddlefaery

I have a personal boundary that I will not knowingly participate in the deception of someone's partner/spouse, as ethically it goes against a very core belief of mine regarding autonomy and consent. As someone who is polyamorous and practices ethical non-monogamy, I am highly aware of the myriad of reasons partners may be incompatible and not having needs met, and that non-monogamy is not an option for everyone.

However, I believe informed consent is necessary and in relationships where one partner is not aware of something that potentially impacts the relationship or that breaks relationship agreements, that consent is not being obtained. Every person will define "cheating" differently, but at its core it is the betrayal of trust and breaking of agreements made in a committed relationship. For some, cuddling with others would be cheating - for others it's only cheating if it's happening behind their back, or it may be a non-issue.

Whatever a person's agreements are with their partner(s) is none of my business. What is my business is maintaining my own ethical standards, which includes not participating in deceiving people. Thus, I ask my cuddle partners to respect my boundary and not place me in a position where I would be compromised without my consent. They don't have to tell their partners on my behalf, but I do ask for the option to opt out of cuddling them to maintain my ethics.

Platonic cuddling is intimate, more so than many other personal services, and until we as a society reach a point where it is normalized and no longer viewed as a threat to relationships, chances are many will continue to view it as a form of cheating.

SunsetSnuggles

@cuddlefaery 💯💯💯

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

"Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man." ~ Benjamin Franklin

Originalirish

Responded, but then deleted. This got way too real for me.

SunsetSnuggles

@Originalirish I read your message and have been trying to get back here to respond. I just wanted to send love and let you know that you are most certainly one of the "damn good reasons" I was referring to, earlier, and to reiterate what I posted, above...

"I have deep sympathy and compassion for men who are in unhappy, unhealthy, or unfulfilled marriages. My heart breaks for them. I have some close friends who I care deeply about, in these kinds of scenarios."

Big hugs going out to you, dear sir, and you can always message me anytime.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover