Fear of Vulnerability

Oh hey everyone. I hope your Christmas was good. I just wanted to open up about something that has crossed my mind lately, and maybe ask you all how you handled similar issues. I figured this would be the best place to do it.

Lately I've started to notice how much I've been suppressing of my true self. To my closest friends, family, and even myself. I think I'm afraid of being vulnerable, and well this website has helped me in the past.

It's gotten pretty bad to the point where I only recently I started to let my friends and family know the kind of music I listen to. But I was met with nothing but acceptance. This was the start of some healing for me.

I often use humor as a way of masking vulnerability. A joke is an easy way to distract from or derail a conversation that makes me feel uncomfortable, and I can be a pretty funny person.

I also tend to neglect/ignore my own needs. This may have prevented me from flourishing as my own person and finding the things I want/like in life.

Ultimately I'm afraid I wont be accepted for who I am, and it's taken a lot to get over this fear lately. But its been working and I've slowly been feeling a lot happier and grateful for everyone I have in my life.

Do you struggle with being vulnerable? What has helped you open up in the past?

JL_Borges

Ripley, first and foremost, judge yourself tenderly in the area of image and self-love. Everyone is struggling mightily to make sense of ourselves and our places in the world. If you are uncomfortable revealing your true self to others for fear of judgment - we all are to some degree - it is likely you learned that fear long ago. Whose voice is telling you that you’re inadequate? Talk back to them. Show your flaws; vulnerability is strength. Invulnerability is an insidious illusion.

The following quote resonates strongly with me:

“I like flaws and feel more comfortable around people who have them. I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” - Augusten Burroughs

You are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.

@JL_Borges

"You are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously."

This is such a beautiful way of putting it that resonates with me so much. Thank you so much.

I don't think it is one voice, but many voices that have told me that I am inadequate over the years. I suppose I can treat it all as one voice though.

Thank you for reminding me why I can always use this website for a safe place to seek support.

TxTom

Self-deprecation. It's a way to publicly air out vulnerabilities or self-critiques. It let's you be critical of yourself in a manner that's almost like third person.

And just put yourself first. It's okay, and it's the natural way of things. Just like in case of sudden cabin depressurization, you're supposed to put on your own mask before helping other people with their mask.

And you don't want the acceptance of just everyone. That doesn't do you any good.

Minestrone101

I say keep at it. Take little steps. Also, keep working on self-acceptance. The better you get at that, then it matters less how others will perceive you. Bc when you're totally yourself, eventually you'll find your tribe or your current friend will be even closer to you bc you'll form deeper bonds. Gl!

JWestfall

I, too, often use humor to deflect from a conversation that I don't want to go deeper. It's useful to recognize when you do that, and maybe think about the time or circumstance when you might be willing to talk more deeply about that topic, and in what setting/what audience. Like, is it a sitting-around-a-campfire-with-one-other-person kind of thing? Or a random online friend who can help you get some things off your chest? Then you may find that you truly enjoyed the deeper conversation when it actually happens. As we all know here, human interactions are so important! And you know this community is more caring and understanding than average, but it's likely that your friends IRL will be just as understanding. We don't have to be all the same, either! It's OK to be different in some ways.

sillysassy

@Ripley54566 Awwwwww I love this! Thank you for being so brave as to post something so heartfelt.

Brené Brown mentions quite often that being vulnerable has a beautiful effect that allows others to be vulnerable as well.

We all know we aren’t perfect but it takes a lot of courage to show that and be okay with EXACTLY who you are the moment.

Coming from someone who spent her whole life trying to be what everyone else thought I should be…. I’ll say this about THAT…. It is an exhausting way to live life.

Now, at this stage of my life, I am finding contentment in knowing that I am NOT going to be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s ok because I would rather just be ME. The people who want me to be my best self have become my greatest cheerleaders.

I believe you can find a MILLION people who want you to be something else, but you can find just as many that are thrilled to be in your life when you are being your most authentic self. ❤️

You said…

Lately I've started to notice how much I've been suppressing of my true self. To my closest friends, family, and even myself.

FOR ME—— I had to first begin in a place of love and acceptance of/for me. You’ve mentioned this has been a bit of a challenge… it took a LOT of therapy for to unravel some of the things I believed and learned growing up. Now I have a different recording in my head. I think you are in the right track though… You are your best advocate. If you don’t love or believe in YOU… how would anyone else be able to know how fabulous you are?

Kudos to you for trying to write a new story. YOU get to hold the pen this time. 😊

Good luck on your journey and Happy New Year!!

I had the same thing with music up until I was about 18 and to a lesser degree now. I’m conscious of how I walk and try not to synchronize my gait with music if it’s playing. I monitor my facial expressions constantly and as a result often look like a weird mask. I’m afraid of dressing in a way that stands out. I’m afraid of saying hi to people at work even if I’ve been working with them for years. It gets awkward because people pick up on it eventually and the situation becomes pressured. I have not really been able to open up to anyone in a long time. There will never be a time where I don’t view myself as a “retard”. I’ve simply heard it enough times that I believe it.

I’m a victim, and I am literally always waiting for the next attack.

I am still getting started on this journey, and you may be further along than I am, but Here are some things that have helped:

*going through very rough times mentally and being faced with the decision of whether to keep living or not. Having nothing to lose.
*Asserting to myself that I have the same right to live as anyone else.
*joining the /r/Schizoid community on Reddit. There’s also subreddits for social anxiety, C-PTSD and avoidant personality disorder
*Attempting something difficult that will take time and dedication, like going to college.
*Examining the reasons why I feel too defective to do those things. Why not, truly? What makes me actually different from anybody else? And realizing that the only thing I’m afraid of is fear.
*jumping into the deep end
*This may or may not help you, but seeing a sex worker
*getting a customer service job
*think about something you’d like to do but are afraid to and do it in private. Then, start talking about it to people. Then, maybe find a group like a band or hiking group.
*I started showing my self harm scars in public
*talk to people
*Be honest with yourself about how you act and who you are. Don’t mask to be the person you think the other person wants you to be. I’m me, and I’m not so bad. I’m good enough. This is what you get by talking to me, like it or not.
*Tell your story

The bulk of my approach has amounted to some sort of home brew DBT or CBT therapy. Catch the thoughts that are distorted, unfair, or cruel to yourself and challenge them. Think: is this thought I’m having sane and healthy, or is it simply a pattern that’s become ingrained into me by trauma and repetition, having never been examined or challenged?

Try reading some literature about CPTSD. If you suspect some of this is from your parents, check out Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

I sincerely hope you are able to discover who you are and love that person.

SunsetSnuggles

@4TheSnugs I wish everyone could share so effectively, and would be brave enough to do so.

~ Sunset Snuggles

🦄 Enthusiast 🏞 Travel Fiend 🐘 Animal Lover

TheFunCartel

@sillysassy I can’t imagine anyone not accepting you for you and ever being disappointed. Every time we have cuddled or texted over the years has enriched me immeasurably. You are a CC treasure and one of a handful of people who make coming to this site enjoyable. I appreciate every one of your posts and you have the gift of emotional efficiency—you rarely post anymore (and we have discussed why before) yet the splash you make ripples and touches people in all corners of this community. I am amazed how you do not need to respond to every thread every day to make the enormous footprint you do on other people’s souls. I think it’s because you truly care about the community and are not here to boost your self-esteem or feel popular.

@Ripley54566 and @4TheSnugs What others think or if they accept you matters not in the grand scheme of things, because if you accept yourself you have found your best friend.

If someone doesn’t accept you then it’s like cleaning out your living space—you have eliminated clutter and you can now see clearly what’s important and useful. Don’t offer that unacceptong person, no matter how outwardly kind they pretend to be, any more of your energy until they fully accept you. And that’s their job, not yours.

@SunsetSnuggles way too many years of not sharing