@Harry01996 That's great. I love your writing style. I think you've got a great scene arc going. That is a pretty clear draft compared to 99% of the people I work with. From an editor's standpoint, it's fantastic. If you want any advice, let me know. Since I'm a developmental editor and the scene is wonderfully put together, my two cents aren't worth much. There's some telling and ramping up why he is uneasy so the reader can feel it would be where I'd edit.
You see, F. M. Esfandiary started going by FM-2030 to break with the tribalistic relic of our past, which he saw as being rooted in collectivism.
Unless you are writing in diary format, a hardboiled noir, or a warm fireside narrator, I would remove the "you see." It distances the reader from the story world. Of course, it's a stylistic choice. When you use the first person, it's to make the reader step into your character's shoes. You want to keep the reader as immersed in the scene as possible. "You see" reminds the reader that they aren't the character.
All in all, it's awesome!
@lesmis33 I didn't see yours! The same offer applies. Yours is incredibly visceral. I love that style.
@Lesmis33 thanks. I wanted to convey a sense of paranoia that can be associated when confronted with Internet scams. The idea of receiving a message out of the blue offering something or claiming association happens quite frequently with spam emails and so on.
Regarding the tie in with FM-2030, I thought it'd add some context regarding the peculiar name the character is confronted with and how it reminds him of the naming convention of the Iranian transhumanist philosopher. The passage is set in 2050, so there'd a greater interest in transhumanism with the development of innovative technology aiding humanity. This could potentially lead to new norms and conventions forming (and old notions of tradition being broken) in this cybernetic future. I see the naming convention coming up again.
I liked the vivid description describing the machine and the tension it has with humans. The piece evokes a level of sympathy with the machine and hints at its alienation.
@stormydaycuddlethanks for the feed back. Would I be able to dm you on the weekends as I'm quite busy on the weekdays?
@Harry01996 Neat! I see now what you were going with on your passage. So this naming scheme is rare, but not rare enough for a layman to know what it references? Or is the character themselves big into transhumanism?
@stormydaycuddle I welcome all constructive feedback! Please shower me with your gifts of knowledge ^_^ I know I have a lot of work to do, but one day, hoping to get comfortable/skilled enough to write a novel.
@Harry01996 absolutly. @lesmis33 I’ll go over yours again later.
@stormydaycuddle Thanks!
@lesmis33 I loved the story. It's easy to see you have a richly developed world in your head. I think the most significant point of clarity to help it flow would be to go all in and make RTX-B19 the narrator in the third person limited. Inside his head, we'd feel closer to the story, and you wouldn't have to point out the little jumps to his thoughts, which would move more smoothly. I think it's a fascinating world and leaves you with a lot of room for expansion moving forward. If you'd like more help, let me know. It's a great scene, and as far as I can tell, it's an exciting concept.
Note: I used complete sentences and proper grammar. Don't get me wrong, it was painful, but I did it for you guys. Commas are the bane of my existence.
@stormydaycuddle First and foremost, thank you so much for not only lending me your professional expertise, but also using proper grammar! You spoil me with your linguistic riches.
I do have a question as I am slightly confused. I thought I WAS using third person limited with RTX-B19 If it isn't too much trouble, could you point out my mistakes or what 3rd person limited would look like? I am still an amateur so I don't even realize where I have gone wrong. I could very well not even understand third person limited from a core concept
Honestly, after writing this passage, I started planning out a whole story. I am pretty excited for it and glad you are too! I scribbled down some plot notes and motifs I want throughout the story. Next I am going to try to think of some core concepts and dialogues I want to play out. I will probably come to you for more help on planning or potentially bouncing ideas off you if that is alright of course.
@lesmis33 on my phone again so I’m writing stream of consciousness. When you set off his thoughts separately and it switches to “I” it draws away from the fluidity of the narration. It’s like you’re in his mind receiving all his thoughts already but anytime his thoughts go deeper into consciousness the switch makes a moment of pause. That’s why I said go all in on it. You’re already in third. There’s just a small distance when you switch to “I”. In a way you’re moving almost into first person but we were already supposed to be in his head. So I’d drop the quotations. Keep the pronouns of third limited.
I’m on my phone and in a hurry so this is going to be the worst example I’ve ever written. Be prepared but hopefully it makes sense.
With a noticeable shift: 1. A sharp electric current shot up her spine. “Damn, I shouldn’t have* stuck the fork in an electrical socket,” she thought. Or Without: 2. A sharp electric current shot up her spine. She regretted sticking the fork in the electrical socket. (More fluid)
(No distance) 3. She dropped the fork as her body seized. It fell out of the electrical socket clattering to the hardwood floor. When her body relaxed she stumbled away grimacing.
Also, I’ve never stuck a fork in an electrical socket so if there are any electricians out there forgive me if I’m not accurate.
I think the fact that you’re going through with it is awesome by the way. 🤗🤗🤗 I edited 3 a little because I didn’t convey inner remorse regret properly.
@stormydaycuddle I see. I see. Thank you so much for your help! I hope your life finds a moment of calm soon!
@lesmis33 the protagonist was a transhumanist but the world did not turn out to be some utopia the individual envisioned. The protagonist is now just a plain nihilist. The Convention is not widespread but it's well known.
@stormydaycuddle thanks
I'm looking at what I hastily wrote on my phone and am cringing. Somebody needs to take my phone away. The fact that I scribble all over the forums like a toddler is a tiny bit embarrassing. I blame my own mentor. lol.
@stormydaycuddle awww, I thoroughly appreciated what you shared with us in this thread. Alas, I could find nothing infantile in what you wrote. What specifically are you upset about? If you don't mind sharing, of course. You seem embarrassed which I find rather endearing. It shows you take a lot of pride in your work and have knowledge beyond my current limits of comprehension.
Ty! These guys would disagree with you. 😂😂😂 I have them right next to my desk… sitting there silently judging me. @lesmis33
Although, I should remove the AP guide. I never use that one.
Hmmm, I still don't quite understand what advice you shared with us is problematic, but with titans of industry such as those, who am I to argue?