Red and Pink Flags

AmazonAnnie

I am learning to trust what my gut tells me about people. Often I see those pink flags very early on and dismiss them in order to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Here are some pink and red flags I experienced recently (all of these with the same person in the order that they appeared)

1) no picture on their profile (sent one with their first message so I figured they were okay)

2) met in person and didn't ask me any questions about myself (figured they might be nervous so let it slide)

3) When I gave them my phone number they texted me back from an email address (I've had people who want to conceal their identity do this before so started getting a little worried).

4) texted me about how attractive they found me and wanted to know if I felt the same (attraction is a factor in cuddling....so I don't think it was terribly inappropriate but my "spidey" senses started really tingling at this point).

5) talked about wanting to "take a nap" during cuddling. I clarified that I don't feel comfortable sleeping or doing overnights until I know someone very well.

6) brought up taking me to a spa (nothing inherently wrong with this but clarified about how I do not feel comfortable cuddling in a spa setting as both people should be fully clothed). At this point I decided one more in person meet up at minimum would be necessary before I decided if I could trust this person.

7) Made plans to meet up in person a week in advance and then didn't tell me they were no longer available until I reached out the day before to confirm. They talked more about cuddling....I clarified again we would need to meet in person again in public...like we had planned.... before cuddling.

8) Told me they were having financial difficulty and asked if I would lend them some money. At this point, they got blocked. Checked and their account here on CC had been deactivated.

This was an attractive and well-groomed person who presented themselves a widower and a single parent with a very good job. They seemed perfectly nice and polite in person. They even provided me with their Linkedin profile which seemed legit. they had Karma from a Pro. Again... any of the things early on in the above list by themselves were in the gray area (this is where a lot of manipulators like to stay). TRUST YOUR GUT PEOPLE.

What are your pink and red flags??

CuddleHugs01234

Trusting your gut is important. I won’t post my red flags here, as then they will know what to avoid.

WldlyThotless

Honestly I probably would have given the same benefits if the doubt that you did.

I get super uncomfortable with men who seem to test how far cuddling can go. Any time someone asks what cuddle positions I like before asking any other questions I immediately write them off. Also men who open with a request to cuddle as their first message. I’m not a pro, so that feels very icky to me.

HumbleBaron

Whats a pink flag

stormydaycuddle

@AmazonAnnie That is 7 more chances than I would have given. No picture. No cuddle. People's pictures are out there all over the place. The only reason for with holding is to conceal their identity from you. A picture request is for safety and if they can't respect and honor that they have no business being that close to you.
Also, if they send a picture in sunglasses that's an automatic no. They're trying be sneaky. Sneaky = the brightest red flag. Be careful out there. I've got some horror stories in my early days that I'm positive could be prevented by requiring a clear photo. Its funny how quickly creeps will need to help their grandma dye her hair or whatever else to attempt to not look so creepy as they back away from not getting what they wanted. I've heard it all. I'm sorry I forgot that I left my car in the Arctic Circle Not quite but its how some of them sound.

stormydaycuddle

@HumbleBaron I suspect its something that flies under the radar or isn't obvious at first.

HumbleBaron

Ohh ok makes sense ty!

AmazonAnnie

@HumbleBaron @stormydaycuddle right… or something that wouldn’t be a red flag if it was an isolated thing….. something that could possibly have an innocent explanation

i sometimes I also put my foot in my mouth or come across the wrong way so i try to cut people some slack… but once the pink flags start piling on… they start looking more red.

asking someone you just met for money is a bright red flag…. but im guessing he was getting impatient testing my boundaries when I didn’t respond how he had hoped at that was his last hail mary

CuddleDuncan

@AmazonAnnie I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant experience. I think you were very forgiving!

1) is ..... sufficiently common to be considered acceptable.

2)-8) are all complete dealbreakers for me. Seven juicy bright red crimson flags in a row.

2) not asking questions isn't in my view a red flag in itself, but if you can't ask me one question at a first meeting then I'm not interested in communicating further.

3) is properly scammer-ish. I would instantly Block and Report, as I would for everything hereafter.

4) ditto although that's creepy not scammy.

5) napping during a cuddle is very common and can be wonderful. However, it is reserved for people you know and trust, not the first or second meeting and it's certainly an inappropriate request if it comes before the first cuddle.

6) suggesting a spa is just creepy. Again, that's for people you know well. Block & Report. There is never any point in giving these types the benefit of the doubt. Yes it does happen that it's somebody decent who just make a mistake in an instant, but it's vanishingly rare and they will recover very quickly, because they will recognise that they just made a mistake.

---

Pink, yellow, orange or amber flags are actions which are not sufficiently concerning in themselves to justify terminating the connection and/or Blocking or Reporting, but do raise a questionmark over the person's intentions or character.

Two such flags may normally be considered the equivalent of one red flag.

great_pillow08

There's NOTHING "pink" about someone needing to be attracted to you to cuddle. Just be clean (you AND your clothes!) THAT'S RED!!! ALL..DAY... LONG!!! If they start mentioning attraction and how you look, then you need to report them cuz they're lookin' for more than cuddles. This isn't supposed to be an "under the table" dating site (although multiple admins have ignored my concerns of it turning into such). Your energies need to be compatible, NOT your physical appearance. I've cuddled LOST of guys I'm not attracted to physically or otherwise because this site is supposed to be about comfort, NOT physical attraction.

lonelytauros

sillysassy

@AmazonAnnie
CONGRATULATIONS on listening to your instincts!!! And welcome to the site. 😊

I am learning to trust what my gut tells me about people.

I love that you are "willing to give people the benefit of the doubt" and also combine it with the desire to trust in your inner voice.

When I first joined I had trouble figuring out what I needed and I think you are right to look at something and understand that it might possibly be something that we don't understand (like anonymity) or something SERIOUSLY SHADY. I have since then decided to not make assumptions about WHY anyone is doing anything, but after so many years on the site, I definitely see a pattern emerge and can hear my instinct more loudly than ever in my life.

----For me.... ANYONE who wants to take messages off line by getting my personal details is an immediate out. Leaving things on the site makes it certain that they have a desire to connect in a transparent way. Asking for money. No thank you. Also, now that I am more aware of what my boundaries are, as soon as someone tries to PUSH them, no matter what they are.... I am OUT.... it doesn't even get to the in person meet or actually hugging/cuddling. i.e. If I say I want to get together in public first for coffee and they keep suggesting/asking/pushing if we can go straight to cuddling... Sorry NOT SORRY... There is no one on this planet that knows what is best for me MORE THAN ME.

One other amazing lesser known feature about CC is that users "write their own karma" by how they interact with other people in the forums. When people don't have the ability to be kind, open minded, or generally curious instead of feeling like they know the "only right answer".... We don't usually wind up being a good fit. Not a "pink flag" for everyone but a BIG deal for me.

I can also relate to your comment about them not asking any questions about you. That kind of thing usually comes out in messages too. It doesn't necessarily scream red flag but it isn't very good fit for me. Some people just like to get to the cuddling and don't want as much conversation etc.

Everyone doesn't have the same kind of flags, and there's a LOT of info on the forums about internet safety etc. Beyond safety.... once you figure out the pink/red flags for you, sometimes there are possibly green/yellow flags that let you move forward.

There was a FABULOUS cuddler a long time ago who used the words "cuddle chemistry" and I love that phrase. A lot of those little personality traits come together or the don't really fit. There's a lot of people who I think are good humans but we don't really have good cuddle chemistry. They wouldn't necessarily be a flag but just not a good fit.

Thank you for posting such a thought provoking thread and for being willing to share your experience.

Good luck and "May the Cuddle Gods be EVER in your favor!!

AmazonAnnie

I would add that I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with having a tendancy to select cuddle partners who you find physically attractive. I think that may be a natural/biological thing that is part of what appeals to us about touch. However…: i think if it becomes your focus early on instead of building a platonic connection- it just comes across creepy. I tell my current buddy all the time that they are a cutie - because they are! and its PART of the cuddle chemistry. but we have also spent time building trust and a friendship.

interalia626

@AmazonAnnie I was thinking something along these lines but hesitated to say it. I get and honor what this platform and appropriate boundaries are about. But psychologically, to be as affectionately close with someone as cuddling, it does count for something appreciable to find your cuddle companion cute.

Minestrone101

I agree. Def trust your gut. I think the stronger your vetting process, the fewer creeps that will find themselves into your filter. Good job.

@great_pillow08 - 💯 I also am not big on physical appearance in choosing partners. I will say one thing I'll turn down is someone that I am repulsed by - I don't mean appearance but personality, summary, or the gut instinct.

@sillysassy - 💯 Very deep and well thought out!

RedFox16

@AmazonAnnie great job with that! Sometimes it's tricky to know until you've had enough of those specific flags. And that takes a lot of trusting your gut!

I do wanna shed some light on fake people....it's a super common scam for others to set up fake profiles on FB, Insta, dating sites, etc (and now here, I guess) with profiles as follows:

-Classically handsome (ie, unrealistically handsome) and well groomed, usually mid 30-40s, perfect teeth, full head of salt/pepper hair, a few wrinkles in the right places....but it's always a stolen pic!
-Widower - these first 2 items and it's 100% definitely a scammer! Scammers know that women will sympathize with a widower PLUS it's a bonus that there's no ex in the picture haha
- Kids - scammers know that women LOVE a single dad who's involved with his kids! And bonus points Cuz women will feel sorry for the kids (Cuz their mom allegedly died)
- Professional job - they are frequently doctors, lawyers, military officers, etc.

These things and block them right away! No matter how much he looks like George Clooney 😜

jplemmon

@RedFox16 cmon I'm 3 out of 4

biancalovecraft

@lonelytauros 😂

bobadevotee

The second anyone comments on my appearance, I immediately hit them with “address me as you would a counselor or any other professional. I am providing a service”

Usually get crickets after that, since clearly they just wanted to flirt.

Attraction shouldn’t be a factor in cuddling. That’s just letting men continue to blur the lines and equate it with sex. I’ve cuddled tons of people I wasn’t attracted to. My male friends and I have cuddled with zero attraction. All that matters in terms of appearance is basic hygiene. If you truly JUST need to be held… looks don’t matter. I’ve seen in disaster videos where rescue crew just hold people who are traumatized. The need for human touch and feeling safe isn’t based on attraction.

justageekboy

@jplemmon Same. So I'm not a real person then? I wish someone had told me this before

cuddlefaery

@AmazonAnnie re: attraction in cuddling, I have to hard disagree. Do you have to find your friend attractive in order to hug them? Your parent when you were little and needed comforting? Your own child? I sure hope not.

IMO, if you find yourself seeking "attractive" partners, you are not truly acting with platonic intent - you have some form of sexual or romantic subtext going on. And those subtexts are what lead cuddle partners to make inaccurate or even dangerous assumptions about the relationship.

If you are only cuddling people you would hook up with or date, you're doing it "wrong". That is not platonic by definition, and not everyone is equipped to handle blurring the lines... Not to mention it's against site policy.

SnuggleBugFi

If you google "Free Safety Course for Professional Cuddlers" and follow on from there you'll find lots of really great advice about the things to look out for when vetting clients, provided for free because it's important information that everyone should have, regardless of what they can afford which I think is so nice.

I personally have a zoom consultation with clients before meeting, and I also take a form of Government Issued Photo ID, which I feel deters anyone with nefarious intentions. I also don't cuddle out of my home but instead rent a clinic space once a week and I schedule all my sessions for that day and I only offer outcalls to established clients or clients with mobility limitations due to the clinic being inaccessible.