co-parenting

I was reading this article and found the idea of raising a child together with the idea of the parents not being intimate nor romantic.

https://www.stephens-scown.co.uk/family/children-issues/the-rise-of-platonic-co-parenting/

How would I go about this? I joined a site called coparent but you have to pay to talk there. This place is obviously out of the question.

natickben

I think you are probably asking the very wrong crowd. This site is about cuddling.

TxTom

My ex and I continue to parent our kid, even though we don't live together anymore. Obviously, since the divorce, it's platonic parenting.

@TxTom yea. This has become more popular apparently according to the article with people pursuing this through AI (artificial insemination).

The question is why d you want to do it, @Harry01996, to answer it to your good self ( if you wish to tell us sure, do as well:) but you need to be so sure first...

A child can put a strain on the best romantic relationships ( so I hear, have no kids:), and yes, it's amazing when 2 friends have them . . They normally think that they are not able to find the right romantic person though...

You are only 27... is it not the time to party, travel, make new friends and be freeeee:)?

How you go about it: normally just start with a chat with a supercool and super amazing person who is your trusted close and yeah, platonic friend:

1. yeah AL was it kind of what you asking...?

2. Contract of some sort.. free legal advice: citizens advice bureau...?

3. Decide if you guy will live together or not. .

4. How far or close should you 2 live to each other for the child to transfer to each other's places

...

Mike403

@natickben - These are general purpose forums. It doesn't have to be about cuddling. As long as the post follows the ToS.

natickben

@Mike403 i didn't report it, I simply said this seems to be the wrong crowd for this question.

JET2024

Be aware that at a minimum an edge a romantic partnership has over a platonic one in parenting is you are modelling romantic relationships for your kids as they grow up.

They risk only having popular media to model what a romantic partnership looks like if their parents are not in one at any point whilst they develop.

@JET2024 that's a supercool valid point.

Mind, how many healthy romantic parental relationships kids really see these days with all the divorces etc...

TxTom

@JET2024 I agree.

BashfulLoner

In my limited experience this thing they call co-parenting just don't work well. What i do see happening is one parent parents in the way they see fit and the other fills in the gaps, likely biting their tongue about things they don't like. But that's just my observation of "successful " co-parenting.

'The parents often decide to live separately, but sometimes they co-parent under the same roof.' Ideally I'd live together with the mum. There'd be some facade of relationship: family trips, celebrating events together, doing house events together and dividing labour and so on.

During the early years, primary socialisation will take place where the child learns the basic skills and values from primary relationships - the intimate relation between the individual and their caregivers who'd initiate the process of socialisation.

Once the child becomes an adult, is fiscally responsible, and independent, what it does and how it chooses to pursue relationships is not my problem - granted the individual doesn't become a libertine clown.

I basically want to so this because I want see value in having someone as a partner to start a family because there are certain economic and social benefits: saving money for a rainy day, mutual assistance, extra hands for house hold duties and so on - meeting each family member's needs. Also, the child would inherit my assets and the assets I inherit from my parents.

TheFunCartel

@Harry01996 I think this is at best a treacherous way of bringing a child into the world as it is too easy for someone to change their mind and bail. If you are not married or even common law spouses then legally few strings are tied to the partners. So if one wanted to walk out the door it is very easy.

And I question the reasons. Why do you want to have a child this way? Are you filling a void in you or do you have purely altruistic loving reasons? There are several parents on here and most would lay down their life for their kids. This is not a dog or cat we are discussing, this is a very real live person and they will require your attention and resources for a couple of decades. Finally, it is estimated it will now cost nearly a million dollars to raise a child to the age of 21 now.

Think this through for a very long time. You can’t take this decision back and bad decisions grow up to be our problem as a society as well.

I'm of Indian origin: arranged marriage (not the same thing as forced marriage) is a thing in Indian and Asian culture. I could easily ask my parents to find someone for me, and I probably will one day. Maybe I'd fall in love with the person or gradually learn to appreciate the person. I don't think you fully understand my point or maybe I wasn't clear enough: there'd still be the legal framework.

Secondly, I'm not doing this to fill a void. My brother has kids and I love them. I care for them because we live in the same house and i want some of my own. My brother didn't have a love marriage and yet he and his wife are fine. I have a good paying job, and have other sources of income. So I believe I'm perfectly suited financially.

Lovelight

I've not got the chance to read everyone's response. Though here's what I've to share for now.

Personally I think it's best and better to adopt if having a child with someone you can have a life with isn't an option. This I think gives the best protection and potential of being beneficial for all parties involved.

I'm very wary of other methods such as surrogacy or the like. Having children with someone you barely know even if you may have vet them scares me personally. Though having one with say a good platonic friend scares me too, although I'm not outright knocking it.

I'd say it may be more risky and there may be a lot more things to consider regardless of how great a friend the person is. Doesn't necessarily mean she'd make a good parent and who'd also be active in your child's life. Another thing to take into account is the impact this can have on you both, though especially her as the woman. There are many people, especially men, who don't wanna seriously date women with kid(s) and probably just as much who'd be on the fence about it. I'd take a good hard look at if you are both accepting of the risks, and your mileage may vary in terms of the mutual honesty. If things go left, that may be thrown in your face. "IF IT WASN'T for you talking me into this, I'd not be getting rejected by the love of my life who by the way I just met at the checkout counter..."

Coming up soon are a list of hard questions you may want to take a hard long look at and take your time with.

You'd need to commit at the very minimum 18 years of your life with each child you've with someone and may also have to deal with who you've with said children for that long. Both you and your children deserve the best life possible. So it's not a decision to make without really doing your due diligence and even consulting experts, especially ones who don't really have much to gain from you having them under specific conditions. By the way, none of this is meant to sway you any direction. My hope is that it benefits you in some way and gives you valuable things to think about:

Are you mentally and emotionally prepared for that kinda antics?

I know, I know... your friend is the most mature person ever and you've known for a century, sure. Though people's true colors tend to show in really hard times. Perhaps I'd think have you two together when through some really hard times and can you honestly say that you both habdled that with maturity and care for one another for others? Although the past doesn't necessarily indicate the future one way or another, I think it can count for something.

Another concern I'd have personally is, what if said person perhaps has feelings for your lowkey and maybe swears you're just a friend? What if she thinks that this is what will finally make you love her eventually?

Or through having a child with you begins to feel different, especially if we are talking about a case of one, or both of you struggling or not finding the one? What if you begin to have more success or look like you are or vice versa with dating? What tensions might that create and how might it seep into the care of y'all's child or children?

Another thing, if you do meet the love of your life or someone else you end up having another child with, how might this overall complicate things and limit your future living arrangements? Who knows, maybe you end up for some reason wanting to relocate to an entirely different country for whatever reasons, perhaps the parents of your children or their partner's do?

Lovelight

Also, I'd take into account the impact * such decision can have on the children.

CuddleHugs01234

There’s also parallel parenting. You parent how your want with the child, and they parent their way. This happens when there is a really bad relationship with the other parent.

You essentially don’t have control of how another parents, in any case, unless they are doing something illegal or something against the parenting plan (in divorce cases).

I agree with @JET2024 , that the example the parents set affect the child greatly. A loving relationship between parents is the best, although of course not all humans achieve that.

My thoughts from your post, @Harry01996, you don’t want to pay for the web site to talk to others interested in it, you may be ready yet to pay for the child’s expenses. Like @BoomerSpooner stated, they are expensive.

RedFox16

@Harry01996 being a parent is such an amazing and rewarding thing! And a man who really want to be a parent and raise healthy kiddos is awesome too! (Not that it doesn't happen, just not as common for a single guy to want kids this badly)

While it sounds like a very logical way to have kids....nothing in life exists in a bubble. Esp not having kids! That's probably the least controllable situation in any person's life. 😜 Any and all parents will tell you that they were not even remotely as prepared as they thought they were for having kids 😂

You will be able to control almost nothing about your child's life, esp including their genetics and personality. And what if you have a baby with colic....that's seriously no joke when you're a new parent, and can last for a long time!
Or if you have a child with a disability? Even one that's not detected in utero....or something that's not detectable till they're a year or two old? Even things like ADHD or dyslexia are a lot to help your child navigate in life.

Having a child with a friend would be challenging too, since even in a marriage you cannot control what your wife would do or the choices she would make. You cannot decide with your friend now how you'll handle everything....because you don't know what situations will come up. Trust me. No parent has ever said "parenting is exactly what I thought it would be." 😅
A child's conception and life is a long time....over two thirds of your own life so far. And psychologically speaking, a child's brain isn't even fully developed until their mid-late 20s. So you can't even expect that they will be fully capable of living independently as soon as they turn 18 😜

Maybe find a good friend or family member who has kids and go live with them for while....and offer to let them go away for long weekends while you stay with the kids. It's prob the closest thing you'll get to experiencing parenthood yourself without making any irreversible decisions in your own life. And the parents would love some time away....as long as you're trustworthy in their eyes.

*This is all from me having almost 20 years experience being a parent to 3 kids....one with special needs. And I'm what most would consider being a very good parent and loves my kids to no end! I'm also trying to go into a psychology career where I'd work with kids as a job ☺️ So I know a little bit about what I'm saying. 🤏

Lovelight

I'd add another major concern that I've. This could become the norm and eventually heavily or strongly marketed...

Like how hookups have in part and in some ways contributed to people viewing one another as objects, using it as to escape their personal issues, and some doing so not only so unsafely. Though also basically as a replacement for real and genuine human companionship, because why try anymore and put in the work required to form something substantial..., that some sooner or later find out destroyed their lives, this could destroy the lives of many children. Because many people are already being destroyed by hookup culture and that mentality can gradually seep into having children.

It's one thing if due to medical issues a couple can't have children and after doing their due diligence all around they've by other means. Though to forgo partnership or to rush into this could prove more problematic both on an individual level, and societally in the long run. So this is by no means something to do without really trying to avoid by figuring out the ways you may, and doing your due diligence.

I don't really know anything and the potential risks that may be associated with it... though I'd first work on any personal stuff you may need to, get a really good relationship coach, none of that toxic folks who flood social media, to help you along too, and put yourself out there. Do what you can to become a better person and more appealing to potential mates. Also I'd research about potentially freezing your... and consider that as an option. Once you figure out the best time to start that, you may want to then continue to try to find someone to love and have children with. If despite your best efforts you're still struggling and you aren't getting any younger, then I'd consider having a child with someone who you've vetted well.

By the way, a lot of toxic, or misinformed people on social media go on about how "women hit the wall" or can't really have children by x years old. Though the truth is, men also have a point at which past it can make it more challenging to have, and potentially present health complications for both the child, and the mother. So you may need to also take that into account, and see how that too may play a role in freezing your ... if you decide to go that route.

lonelytauros

I would definitely go with an arranged marriage, most people that I know that have those are very successful

TheFunCartel

@Harry01996 As a single parent of two kids who I raised I wish you well. But loving someone else’s kids is not the same as raising your own child. You can walk away and go home with your brother’s kids. As @RedFox16 pointed out, kids do not adhere to your schedule, they have their own. They get sick on the day of a career defining meeting, they throw up at a beloved relative’s funeral, etc.

Just be careful and put a lot of thought into this. Kids are forever and when you have one, everything else in your life becomes secondary.

I probably will accept arranged marriage. I'd dislike the formalisation rituals and traditions, but I'd put on the mask and gradually adapt. Plus the extended family steps in to assist in times of difficulties. The family makes sacrifices so that the future generation can have a better future - something that many idealists seen on social media fail to recognise.

Lovelight

@Harry01996 whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck, safety, and happiness. 😊

OhioMike

well, @Harry01996 to answer your original question, "how to go about this?" I am not familiar with the term Co-parenting . I did look it up (ty google) and it quickly gave search results for England, where you are obviously from.

Wow, it looks like this is something a lot of people are interested in, which caught me surprised. But to answer your question, I would join ALL the sites listed! I would want to know everything and anything so I am the preeminent expert on co-parenting before I had a child this way.

Most are @$100 dollars a year to join. Some even had first two weeks free.! This @$100 per year for a site!!!! To learn a life decision ! Btw it is estimated diapers for a baby in the first year is just under $1000 ! My man, join one or all the sites if you are really interested in this.

RedFox16

@OhioMike I have to admit....I just glanced at the site he linked at first, but going back and finding a rabbit hole of other info was super interesting and definitely surprising, like you said! I see both sides and hey, if the membership is that cheap....I would probably try it out too if that's something I was thinking about . 🤷🏻‍♀️😎

I guess I didn't realize what a phenomenon it is in the UK @Harry01996 and I'm not against it at all (hopefully that came across in my original comment) After all, who knows what might work for you, since there's so much divorce out there anyways. I guess I was looking at it from the viewpoint of having raised my kiddos alone too.... and that makes it infinitely harder (still rewarding, but so much for one person).
And going the arranged marriage path sounds like it's a very supportive thing with your families as well, so why not have that also be an option? 😉 The more people helping out, the better!

Good luck and thanks for sharing!

OhioMike

@RedFox16 yeah definitely some interesting reading....can you image the forums on those co-parenting sites?????? hmmm that free two week trial...hmmmm

of course legal, legal, laws. laws etc in the ol 'USA maybe ours are more complicated, Idk. I know here in Ohio, Grandparent's rights have become more prevalent, which would make co-parenting even more challenging maybe.

**Update the co-parenting forums are FASCINATING to say the least, just wow! I am definitely learning today!

pmvines

I don't really have experience co parenting . My son's mom and I divorced when he was 3. She did everything in her power to try to strip me of my parental rights and even turned him against me as a weapon. Parental alienation through manipulating him. What little contact I did have I had to fight for through the courts . She and the men in her life abused him and I eventually got full custody but he was damaged, and still is to an extent from the abuse and neglect he endured . His mother passed when he was 8 , and it has been the two of us ever since . He's now 23 and lives with his boyfriend .

Kawai9999

@Harry01996 I’m pretty much in a co-parenting household. Both my wife and myself are in the mid-40s, and we have two beautiful daughters 10 and 8. We used to be married under one roof, but it was always stress/fights, so we have separated about 5 years ago. We live in Harlem, just 1.5 blocks away from each other, and the kids stay roughly 50/50 at each since both of us have remote and in-person work, so our schedules complement each other perfectly. We have only one single bank account that we share, and one brokerage account for retirement. We have dinners together, go on trips together, take turns in afterschool duties (pick-up, weekend meet etc.), and the division of work is pretty well. Our kids go to G&T school, so there’s always tons of homework, I wonder how single parents manage everything alone… My wife and I don’t sleep together, we embrace / hug each other at rough times. (Still, sometimes, I need more physical closeness, thus I’m on this site.) Overall, I rate the situation about 75-80 out of 100. Sometimes, you really wanna be by yourself, so it’s good that you get complete privacy/yourself time. I love to sleep in on weekends uninterrupted when I don’t have the kids at my home, and I could never do that whole living under one roof. We both have health insurance, and still we’re still married, one could go under the other one’s insurance on case of a job loss. The downside is paying higher rent for two functional homes. But then again, it’s not forever - it’s only until we have raised them. I have the bigger home with 3BR (where we celebrate birthdays, Xmas etc.), and she has a 1BR albeit more modern.

This really only works if you have largely equivalent work/income, attitudes towards finance (or frugalness), and share educational goals. You also need to be able to trust in the decency of your Partner. And give them their space. Honestly, I don’t know what comes after the kids leave the house (in about a decade). We would divide the wealth 50/50, and probably walk separate path afterwards, but still loosely connected, I guess.. Let’s see. I would miss her if she goes way from my life entirely, and I’m sure it’s vice versa. We’ll have to figure it out, we’ll remain a family.

coregulate

I'm platonic co-parenting with a close friend. She left her abusive partner to live with me. it's amazing. I love doing life with both of them. I love doing her dishes while she's at work, teaching baby about emotional intelligence, and just generally being a stable adult for both of them to relax their nervous systems with!

I have never been happier or more fulfilled. I love that any romantic connections I have come second to my platonic family.

@OhioMike I'm on coparents.com and modamily. Coparents cost money. Ace dating isn't really an option. 'Just a baby' is mainly couples who want donors.

@pmvines sorry to hear