My girlfriend told me to stop being an idiot. "Just be yourself". I told her to make up her mind.
@gem7 thats gold 🤣
Five ants signed a lease to an apartment. When they moved in, five more joined them. Now they’re tenants.
“911? my wife is going into labor!”
“Is this her first child?”
“No this is her husband!”
“Is this the Krusty krab?” “No, this is Patrick!” 😂😂😂😂
@MajesticMango 😂 is mayonnaise an instrument?
Why is six afraid of seven? A1: because seven eight nine! But there’s another reason! A2: because seven is a registered six offender!
What kind of work do taxidermists do?
-stuff
The black widow's husband mysteriously died after their webbing anniversary
This week a prison transport van got hit by a cement truck. Police warn to be on the lookout for 6 hardened criminals.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in the crack.
Why don’t lobsters donate to charity?
They are too shellfish.
A frog got his DNA tested.
Turns out he's part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.
What was more useful than the first telephone?
The second telephone.
I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
@MajesticMango I saw what you did there.
Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The P is silent.
I went to my Dr. with an odd looking mole. She said they all look like that way and I should have left it in the garden.
I wanted to come up with a dad joke but I don’t think I have the right pair of genes for such occasions.
I went to the aquarium last weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.
A man is at the hospital where his wife has just given birth.
The doctor hands the baby to the man and says, "I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it."
The man looks at the baby for a moment, then says, "Well, bring me the one my wife DID make."
What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.
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What do you call a woman who sold her body for spaghetti? A pasta tute
Did you hear about my oragomy business?
It folded
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long?
Because it would be a foot!
Why do shoemakers go to heaven when they die?
Because they have good soles!
What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.
What do you call a plantigrade without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
Why do cows wear bells?
Their horns don't work.