Feedback Requested - Is it just bad luck, or is it me?

JargogleBearHug

Hi all, I need some advice and feedback. Sorry for the length of this, but I want to make sure you have all the info to provide me with quality feedback and suggestions.

I have been generally frustrated with the cuddle options in my area, especially regarding cuddle enthusiasts. To find cuddles, I need to pay a pro AND travel to wherever that person is located (or pay for them to come to me). And that's fine sometimes, but I'd ideally like to find a local enthusiast to have more regular cuddles with. So I've reached out to the (very) few active ones in my area (Tallahassee, FL), but I almost never get a reply.

Recently, a new local enthusiast cuddler joined CC, and in her profile, she described exactly what I was looking for. So I thought I'd reach out. One note: I am a little older than her preferred age range, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to just message her, and of course, she can always say she's not interested. Here is what I wrote:

Hi _______ - it is so nice to see there's someone on here who sounds genuine and honest. When I joined CC, I was also starving for physical touch. I had just ended a too-long relationship that had gone toxic, and we had not been intimate for a couple of years. I didn't want sex, I just wanted the closeness and warmth of another person. Fortunately I found some of that here, but I've had to travel and pay for those experiences, as there have not been many options locally here in Tallahassee. So I was very happy to see your new profile and wanted to reach out.

I am 54, so I am above your preferred age range. So if that's a problem, I understand. But I hope we could at least chat here, get to know each other a bit, and maybe meet for some quality cuddle time. Also - just to be upfront - I found out recently that I have hip dysplasia and need hip replacement surgery. I'm currently using a walker to get around, but hopefully that's not a problem. I can still cuddle with the best of them!

BTW my name is Keith, and it's great to meet you.

A few days went by with no reply, so I sent this:

Hi, just writing to you again, in case it didn’t see my original message. I’d like to get to know you better, as your outlook on cuddling is very similar to my own.

If you are not interested, please do me the favor of letting me know that, and I won’t message you again. 😊

And ..... she blocked me.

So: what did I do wrong? Did I do anything wrong? I don't feel like anything I said should have led to me being blocked, but I've been so unlucky here that I really want some outside opinions in case maybe I am saying or doing something problematic. Please give it to me straight! Any advice, changes, etc. are welcome -- both with my messaging and with my profile (maybe that's turning people off, even though it's intended to be funny and inviting).

Thanks!

MeltMyWay

I wouldn’t take being blocked on here too personally. She may have felt the age preference in her profile was enough of an answer and just wasn’t comfortable having a direct conversation about it, so she chose to block instead.

Honestly, people block for all kinds of reasons on here. Sometimes I block profiles I know I’m not interested in cuddling with so I don’t accidentally circle back to them later, or if something in the forums made me uncomfortable. It’s usually more about personal comfort and boundaries than anything malicious.

I really wouldn’t assume it’s something wrong with you. From what I hear from a lot of the men on here, finding a true enthusiast can feel like finding a unicorn sometimes.

Best of luck in your search though. I’ve heard meet-and-greets help a lot, and being active in the forums seems to help people get more comfortable and familiar with you too.

JargogleBearHug

Thanks - I appreciate your comments. I never thought about blocking in that way; to me, that's something you do when someone is rude, inappropriate, etc., and I just knew I was none of those things to her.

You are correct with the unicorn analogy lol - what stinks is that I thought she was the unicorn at first. 🫤

BlueIris

IMHO, the first message is a bit of a trauma dump. No need for so much detail in a first message. The 2nd one, with a small amount of tweaking, is a better first message.

A lot of people seem to need closure when someone is not interested. Many women on dating and other sites have received vile bursts of insults and rage when women say no or not interested, myself included, so it's common for women simply to go silent rather than risk subjecting themselves to that. Silence is your answer.

Good luck in your search.

Bear

@JargogleBearHug they might’ve blocked you because you’re out of the age range.

I just take silence as a no.

JargogleBearHug

@BlueIris - I truly understand what you are saying, and I wouldn't normally have that kind of content in my first message. But her profile included a similar story, so I was trying to show that I understand her and relate to what she experienced. Still, maybe it was too much.

JargogleBearHug

@Bear - Yeah I should do that. I just came from a family/generation/something where I was taught to never ignore and always respond. So when I get nothing, it's awkward for me. I need to get more used to just letting that go ...

Bear

@JargogleBearHug
From going to other cuddle events, I’ve learned the following.
No, Maybe, silence are all a no.

SafeWarmPlzKthx

Here to second what @Bear just said.

While I think we'd all like to get some message, some acknowledgment of the "no," it is important to be able to accept silence as a sufficient no. It's not ideal, but it's totally valid.

JargogleBearHug

Understood ... that's something I'll have to get used to

mauvefox

I agree the first message might have been a bit much, i hear what you're saying on trying to connect but maybe show something about the other person's profile that you connected with. Your second message would have been a better first message to send.

@Bear exactly! and normalizing silence as a "no" would be great all around. "No" has become a dangerous word for many women with problematic reactions ranging from verbal anger to physical assault. Silence is a full sentence, and it says "no". and I love that you include the Maybe as a No as well. because better safe than sorry for everyone all around.

and I totally get it, I don't like to be ghosted or blocked either. I struggle when there is no closure, or I am left assuming I have done something wrong. But sometimes that is the way it is.

JargogleBearHug

I appreciate the balanced and thoughtful response, @mauvefox

Sunrise_Snuggle

So, what pisses me off here is that it's only considered "trauma dumping" when men do it.

Regarding the first first paragraph of the first message, yes, it's probably better to wait, and talk about things like that in person. But it SHOULDN'T matter. Women can mention things like that in the first message and get away with it and it wouldn't make much of a difference for them.

Regarding the second paragraph, about your disability, it is definitely a good idea to mention that before meeting in person. In fact, it's essential, so that the other person is not surprised. Mentioning it in the first message is definitely not "trauma dumping." It's giving information.

Unfortunately, on this site, same as with dating sites, people very rarely reply to people they're not interested in. They just ignore the message. It's stupid, but that's the way it is.

mauvefox

@Sunrise_Snuggle
If a woman trauma dumps in her message to you, you don't have to reply, you know that right?
So actually it would matter in the same exact way. Potentially have the same exact consequences.

Now if what you're saying is that you, and I think what you might be implying is that all men (probably not wise to imply that though) are just less discerning, that's a completely different thing and has nothing to do with women "getting away with it". That's on the men who are less discerning. If that's you, then you will bring in the cuddlers that do that. 🤷‍♀️

Honestly I'd recommend considering that a red flag if women initiate contact with you in the same way. Of course as conversation is happening and getting to know each other these things come out naturally. But as a first message, that's a tell for me.

HUGGGGGG

Blocking is something that should not be taken to heart - just in this moment a pro was visiting my profile for the past two months perhaps more I forget … but in past 3-4 weeks I joked and would ask about her mute visits, to share what attracts her to my page frequently…. now she blocked me 🤣😅😂 … this actually shows something about her… maybe in the best possible case it is as simple as just clicking away on her profile rounds. But how couldn’t she control her finger for two months…

… about blocking and people feeling angry: I happened to block two people (from a dating app) in the past days … both girls contacted me on WhatsApp right after knowing they were blocked … one of them then started calling me from another number to tell me I’m psycho 🤣😅😂 … and I said oh my you are so angry perhaps you need to take your medicine (arrow in the dark hit a nerve) she went ballistic 🤣😂😅

I suggest don’t take it to heart … send only a short first message … we all learn from our mistakes … good cuddles are hard to find so it’s not bad luck … if your heart knows you are good then perhaps she is unlucky not to have cuddled you …

Sunrise_Snuggle

Also, it's highly unlikely that she wasn't interested BECAUSE you "trauma dumped" in your first message. It's highly likely that she had already decided that she was not interested, regardless of what you said in your message. It's very likely that the content of your message didn't even matter.

Bear

Jargoglebearhug was also out of her age range. Possibly a reason he was blocked after the 2nd message.

Now there are summations why she blocked or chose no. Doesn’t matter. That’s her choice.
No one is owed a response.

I’ve been here going on about 13 years. Plenty of unanswered messages. I just keep plugging along. Saving for the next pro I’ll see. That’s all one can do.

SpicyNSweet

I've never in my life heard trauma dumping being excused because a woman does it.

mauvefox

@SpicyNSweet For real!! If anything I've heard the exact opposite, the second we share anything personal or real, we're so often told we're being dramatic or too needy, or emotional. 🤣

SpicyNSweet

Yes, exactly that!!!!!

Sunrise_Snuggle

Actually, it's MEN that are not "allowed" to be needy or emotional. Women are "allowed" to be needy and emotional left and right. It's MEN that are not "allowed" to share anything "personal" or "real." I don't know what universe you're living in.

Morpheus

@JargogleBearHug

I wouldn’t call it a trauma dump but it was a bit much. I think most people would appreciate that you made an effort to send a message that’s more than just, hey let’s cuddle. I would definitely keep it lighter in the future for your first message though. Also, this is just my opinion but I have a no double text/message policy. If someone doesn’t reply, I leave it alone. If they were truly interested, they would reply.

SafeWarmPlzKthx

Gonna jump in with my perspective as a therapist and say that expressing emotions and needs to others is something that people struggle with universally, regardless of sex or gender identity. Lots of people utilize therapy as a space to share the very things they wish they could tell their partner, close friends, family, etc but don't because they're afraid of the response they'd get (or -- because they've tried being vulnerable in the past and faced rejection, and don't know how to open up again).

There are so many dynamics at play and I don't really see a point in holding suffering Olympics between the genders regarding what is or isn't socially acceptable with vulnerable shares. It is all complicated, that's for sure.

SpicyNSweet

On the contrary, more and more these days men are encouraged and even begged to open up, be vulnerable, share their feelings, go to therapy, learn how to connect with others in a healthy way, that has been robbed from them via the patriarchy. It's amazing to see. I am a staunch feminist which means that I am a humanist. I view every single human being as equal and worthy. Maybe these are things you're unaware of?

SweetCuddler33

@JargogleBearHug maybe she saw the movie “ Imaginary” 🐻 about a teddy bear named Chauncey that comes to life…( look it up). I read your profile , you look and seem to be a good person.. the teddy bear stuff , teddy bear 🧸 coming to life….. etc….little creepy ….. not calling You creepy…

It could just be the age factor… she has an age preference written on her profile and you reached out to her anyway….

Also, silence means no.. I’ve also replied to people with a polite “no thank you” only to receive more messages from the same person calling me an A, B or C.. 🤷‍♀️ 🤦‍♀️

mauvefox

@SpicyNSweet I do love it when men try to tell me I'm wrong about my own experience and that I don't know what universe I'm living in. It makes for such a safe sharing environment for all my feelings.

And I'm not saying that men have not been hurt by the patriarchy, they absolutely are victims of it as well. It's just that women aren't getting away with anything, trust me on this.

SpicyNSweet

@mauvefox I completely agree with all of that. And as a previous commenter just said, there's no need for some Olympics of suffering. I've said that exact phrase many times in my life. I don't understand why talk of suffering can't be met with compassion, and curiosity if you do not understand what is going on, rather than dismissiveness.

Sunrise_Snuggle

First of all, patriarchy is a myth. There is no such thing. There is, however, a matriarchy. Second of all, you were the one that told me that I was wrong about my experience first. I retaliated.

cuddlefaery

Well, I'm once again thankful for the red flags making themselves visible 😬 and I'm not talking about the OP.

mauvefox

@Sunrise_Snuggle

wow. Wiiiiiild. whether or not you were replying directly to me, I have no idea because you didn't tag me or anyone else but since i'm the one that mentioned patriarchy, I'll reply.

so in your experience, you find that women "get away with something". well since this is your experience of women, then you are the one letting them get away with that. otherwise you could speak up, give feedback, not reply, etc. but if they are getting away with it then you must not be doing those things.

in my experience, me and the women around me, and those I know around the world do not actually get away with anything.

also, patriarchy is a myth, but men are also emotionally restricted? okay. what exactly do you think created that restriction? because it's not the ladies. not what we wanted. and actually ends up being more dangerous for us than anything.

Trauma dumping also isn't emotional intelligence or expressing feelings. Remember, I said it was a red flag for everyone. It's about boundaries.

have fun in your universe then. you're right, I definitely don't live there.

BellaAine

@Sunrise_Snuggle
@SafeWarmPlzKthx As a therapist, you should know that all providers need boundaries so they do not burn out, and enthusiasts are allowed to uphold the same. An enthusiast cuddler is not a therapist, and her first responsibility is her own emotional safety. A first message sets the tone, and when someone opens with heavy trauma like a sexless marriage or divorce before any rapport or trust exists, it places immediate emotional labor on a stranger who never consented to carry that weight. The issue here is not that men cannot be vulnerable. Men should be vulnerable, but vulnerability without context, relationship, or consent is overwhelming for anyone regardless of gender. This is not a suffering Olympics between men and women. It is simply about respecting the emotional capacity of the person you are messaging. Being vulnerable is healthy. Trauma dumping on a stranger is not. She protected her own well-being by not engaging, and that is her right.

As a pro, I allow trauma dumping in a protected space where that consent is already in place. Here in a public forum you are free to share because people can choose whether they want to engage or not.

Several people gave you great advice/explanations. And yes, age likely played a role and she may not have wanted confrontation or simply was not interested like others have stated. Implementing @Morpheus double text/message policy is a good idea. Accept when people are not interested and move on. I block people to protect my time and energy all the time. It may be worth reflecting on your behavior. Not respecting her stated age range, opening with trauma dumping, and not respecting her silence after the first attempt are all yellow flags. The red flag was then going to her forum post after she blocked you and commenting there, even after @btc13 tried to stop you, you continued. It may help to step back, stop overthinking, and focus on your personal growth