Trauma processing

Pararolia

Has anyone else here dealt with trauma processing and hurt their partner in devastating ways? What things have helped you stay focused on repair?

For background, I have ASD, and ADHD, and a couple other diagnoses I'm not ready to mention at the moment

Hello, I'm a hypnotherapist and I specialize in trauma. When you say hurt your partner in devastating ways, what do you mean?

Not trying to be facetious, but are you saying that trauma made you become trauma? That’s how I am reading this.

Trauma does tend to be self-sustaining and have feedback loops and negative response patterns. What other people see is only the tip of the iceberg. A lot of people assume that what they see is all there is, and are disappointed or can't handle when they discover there's a lot more.

My trauma has deeply affected my sexual life, in a way that is really unexpected and has caused sadness in my intimate relationships. Barring details, it's difficult to know how to advise you, but I try to...

Be completely open about what I experienced and exactly why it is affecting the relationship.

Assure them that it is not a reflection of my love, commitment, or desire.

Be honest if the timeline for things going back to "the way they were", or happening at all, is "possibly never".

Be compassionate and supportive to them. I may have experienced the trauma, but they are now currently experiencing their own shock, confusion, sadness, and feelings of rejection.

Hugs going out to you and your loved one. 🧸

~ Sunset Snuggles

@MindTherapy, I have a severe lack of self awareness. When my trauma gets triggered, I tend to lash out at the people I care about. Most recently, I've been dishonest with my partner and done some gaslighting, because I knew that it would push them away, and because of the mood I was in, I didn't care.

@TheFunCartel kind of. It's a problem for other people if I can't manage my emotions, and it creates situations where other people get traumatized by my actions if I continue to let them happen.

@Pararolia, can I just say, respectfully, you said you "lack" self awareness but you seem pretty self aware to me by making the statement you knowingly hurt the people you love by being dishonest and then gaslighting them. Sounds to me like you don't need to be in any kind of relationship.

@Pararolia self awareness comes through enlightenment. You have to turn inward neither. You must see, know, and understand yourself before you can even start to regulate yourself with others. I went through hypnosis years ago because I was horrible. I had a nasty violent temper and was very mean. When I turned inward and the hypnotist showed me myself, I was mortified. I saw myself and others around me from a third-party perspective. That was enough to make me understand and change. It’s very powerful how these things work.

@MindTherapy I haven't tried hypnotherapy yet, but it's sounds like something I should look into!

Me and my ex weren’t good for each other. I did and said things I regret, but, oh well.

I recommend EMDR therapy for trauma-find a therapist who specializes in it (it’s important that they have experience specifically with it). It doesn’t work for everyone but it can really help.

@MKultra79 that is a seriously harsh opinion. Someone can be aware outside of a situation but in heat of the moment not be able to be self aware. The fact he's asking for advice is great.

@Pararolia props for reaching out and asking for advice

Finding a really good therapist is a great first step

EMDR therapy helped me so much when I witnessed a friend drown and just couldn't stop reliving the entire day.
I have not had luck with EMDR for my complex-PTSD though.

Hypnotherapy has worked well for some of my friends but doesn't work for me.

TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) worked really well for a home health aide client of mine. It was out of my price range and not covered by my insurance.

Micro dosing psilocybin mushrooms worked amazingly for my anxiety depression and ADHD but again isn't covered by insurance. Note: is only decriminalized in some areas

Honesty and open communication.
Acknowledgement goes along way.
Sometimes just saying “ I don’t have the right words right now but I’m truly sorry “ help.
The fact you’re asking for advice is great. It shows awareness. ❤️❤️🤗

@Pararolia A lot of inner child work (either a therapist who is specialized in that or finding a coach that is). Look for someone who is person centered, trauma informed, and neuro-affirming if you can.

I recommend checking out

Inclusive Therapists Directory

They have a lot of therapists who are tired of the broken system and have deviated away from the traditional forms of therapy. They also set up their profiles that allow you to get to know them outside the therapeutic image like their personality, interests, and modalities they work with. It honestly helps weed out what youre looking for in a Therapist and work on the parts of you that matter.

As a fellow AUDHD person myself, and who has gone through very unique classes from my university that focused on Character and conflict (inner conflict): a non clinical class that helped students find their authentic selves after unmasking everything that society bestowed onto us over the years...i cannot stress this enough about the importances of being person centered, trauma informed, culturally sensitive, involving therapeutic dynamics for group facilitation, but also finding that healthy balance of community, connection, belonging, and identity.

For most neurodivergents, we are pros at intellectualizing what happened, why it happened, and how we showed up, but we arent always given the tools on how to recognize it in real time or how to practice those skills with empathy without trying to be so solution focused all the time.

I think doing your own individual therapy is important and a huge step that you're even making this post, but also I think finding a therapist who is also specialized in group therapy as well...so you can practice what you learn about yourself in real time and learn more active listening, empathy, validation, compassion, etc. In ways that makes sense to you but also in an controlled environment.

@AuthenticLucy permission to send a PM? I'd love to converse more about how your experiences helped you, so I can use that as a springboard with my therapists! Thank you for sharing!

@zoeloveshugs thank you for your input! I try my best to practice personal accountability as often as I can, because I believe it only makes me a better person

@MeltMyWay Thank you for standing up for me. I appreciate the encouragement, and affirmation that EMDR may be a good thing to try. I'm still new in my trauma processing (less than a year) and I have a long way to go

@MKultra79

TLDR: thank you for your input, but I respectfully disagree with your advice.

I appreciate your comment as I view it from the perspective of someone who is trying to keep others safe. I'm trying to keep others safe as well, and I'm trying to do that whilst also repairing the damage I've done.

It's true that here, and now, when/where I'm not dealing with triggers that I seem to have some great awareness, but it's only been after being shown examples of the patterns that I've gained this awareness. Now I'm at the point where I can recognize some things in the moment, but I'm struggling to put a stop order in place because of how the brain works.

My amygdala still has a significant amount of say in whether my prefrontal cortex is offline during a trigger event. I am on chapter 6 in Bessel Van der Kolk's book, "The Body Keeps the Score" (I forget if books get quotes or italics, please forgive), and the information I have learned about the multitude of ways the brain and body communicate with each other has given my cognitive functioning a significant advantage.

Being eclectic by nature, I created this discussion post to gather information from others who have gone through the struggle, so I can expand my level of knowledge, and get to a point where I can be healthily polyamorous. As an extrovert I thrive on community, and part of healing trauma is creating a community that can call me out on behavior that's toxic, or less than desirable, or garbage, or whatever label people use these days. Bottom line is that I can't do this on my own, but it's not fair to my partner to rely on only her to help me see the dangers if my behaviors; I need a community, and definitely some group work. I have a group, but no friends, so community is currently lacking.

the Body Keeps Score is a great start. you might also be interested in Dan Siegel's hand model of the brain, there are a lot of youtube videos on it. he talks a lot about understanding the amygdala and how it will "flip off" the frontal cortex as a function of our survival system. trauma response does this but it's out of calibration. it responds when it doesn't necessarily need to.

Then focus on what's needed. the amygdala is part of the limbic system, the limbic system likes cold, pressure, and rhythm to regulate itself again. that's easier said than done. it takes a lot of practice with little bite sized stressors and finding what actions in those categories your specific limbic system responds to.

there are ways to recalibrate your nervous system. Someone mentioned EMDR and that is a great one, there are other interventions as well, i think the trick is finding a therapist that is well versed in trauma specifically. This is a subspecialty of therapists.

(edited to fix a typo and add clarification to a sentence)

The body keeps score book and workbook are amazing

Something you can try is pay attention to your physical tells. Look for things like a racing heartbeat, sudden hyper fixation on the argument, feeling a physical heat like when your skin flushes, the sudden urge to completely shutdown or speak over your partner, sudden hand or body movements. Once you notice these, recognize these are your tells that push you towards lying, gaslighting, manipulate etc. It's almost like your body's flight or flight response. • The moment you feel the urge, treat it as a flashing red light that means: I am triggered, and I need to stop talking immediately.

Sit down with your partner before this happens and negotiate what will happen during these times. When you are in the middle of a trauma response, your brain cannot logically process how to be a good partner. You have to establish the rules when you are calm and basically create a pre negotiated "Safety Protocol".

Negotiate a phrase that's said to take a hard pause like "I am flooded, I need to step away for 30 minutes"

You can discuss physical separation, like you go into another room to calm down.

Also, make a pact with yourself that when you are in that mood, you are legally barred from defending yourself, explaining your side, or making definitive statements to your partner. Silence is better than destructive dishonesty.

I feel like you already know this but I'm adding it because so many people have no idea what a real apology looks like. When this situation does happen. Take full accountability for it and give a proper apology. First, focus entirely on their pain. Acknowledge exactly what you did, like "I was dishonest with you, and I gaslit you to push you away. It was incredibly unfair, and I hurt you." Do not start by explaining or talking about your trauma. Only after the apology and your partner feels heard and safe, you can contextually share your explanation.

Afterwards, respect their need for time and space (if they need it).

I would suggest some neurodivergent affirming trauma therapy and it sounds like some of them have already been discussed here.

I sincerely wish you the best.