Rape?

I’m new to this and my only concern is that if I meet up with someone, it’s totally possible for them to attempt anything and rape me. It’s easy to lie online and say they won’t do anything but once I meet with them in person, where there’s no supervision at all, how do I know they won’t try anything?

I’m surprised this topic hasn’t come up. Please let me know your experiences and if there is some type of way to make sure this doesn’t happen. Thank you.

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Cuddling safety comes up very often on the forum.

    In fact 'Cuddling Safety' fares as a much better thread title than the chosen one.

    I'm sure my fellow cuddlers will share their experiences and knowledge with you so I'll leave them to it.

    Best of luck in your cuddling endeavors.

  • Trust, rapport, and commons sense. Don't just go meet up with someone based on a few messages on here. There are obviously wolves everywhere, even on a platonic cuddling site like this. Be self aware and trust your instincts.

  • [Deleted User]Alternis (deleted user)
    edited January 2018

    Yeah as with anyone online make sure you meet at a public spot first and try to see what kind of vibe you get from them. If you do meet up with someone make sure you let someone know where you are and stuff. If you have any more detailed questions about the site you can pm me if you'd like

  • edited June 2018

    @ky_utie ...

    One approach is to only cuddle people who already have a good reputation, or can at least give references.

    Not everyone seems to use it, but there is a "karma" tab on each person's profile page where other people can give feedback.

    You can also ask if they have cuddled someone else, and contact that person to verify that they acted respectfully.

    One other way to get a feel for someone is to look at their past forum posts (if any). Just put their user name after this url:

    https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/profile/comments/

    It can also help to have a clear, direct conversation about what the boundaries are before meeting with them. There are some things about boundaries here.

    And the first meeting doesn't necessarily need to involve cuddling, you can go to a movie or dinner or something to get a clearer idea of the kind of person they are.

    Also - it may or may not suit your situation, but you could also cuddle while someone else is still in the house. Or just cuddle in public for the first time.

    Edit: One more thought ... the age range you specified in your profile (18-25) includes guys who may be the most likely to push the boundaries ... maybe consider cuddling older guys as well (see the end part of this post).

    Edit 2: And there's always the possibility of cuddling women.

  • That’s a huge concern and so huge that if I were you, I wouldn’t meet anyone online. If my little sister came to me asking the same question, that would be my answer.

  • I give somebody information about who I'm meeting and where I'm going. Then I text them at predetermined intervals. If I miss a text, they call me. If I don't answer, they call the police. If you're extra paranoid, set key phrases with your safety net so they'll know if someone else tries to pass themselves off as you or is forcing you to say you're fine.

    Do this with anyone you don't know. Do this with me. Schrödinger's Rapist is out there, and neither of us knows where. So be safe. It's better for both of us. And remember: when you have to be flat-out rude to get someone to stop something, they were definitely being much ruder, and way before you were.

  • I am glad you asked this question. Just for my own personal safety and just because I am noticing people are asking if I can meet them the next day, which worries me more. I want to know an individual first but for now since I am new to this, I rather be in a group setting first. But, this is a good question.

  • I had a guy message me today. I have to admit I have concerns same as the OP.

  • This thread from last year may help too: Meeting strangers/safety .

  • edited January 2018

    I don't meet the same day someone messages me. Since I don't drive I need to be a bit extra cautious.
    I message for a few days, ask them to meet for a coffee first and get a general feeling about them there. I ask them lots of questions. 8out of 10 times (if they are creepers) they will say something inappropriate in that time frame and/or try to push for a private meeting asap.
    Also do safe calling and let the guys see that you take a picture of their license plate to send it to your safe person. If they are safe and sane they will have no problem with it.

    I don't like profiles with no pictures and text. I tell anyone who message me to please fill something out first.

  • @ky_utie

    I like to talk via this platform to the person for a decent amount of time in order to get some-what of an impression of them. If they seem seedy/speak inappropriately, I would of course trust my instinct and not allow a session with them. If they seem sincere and in need of legitimate (strictly platonic) affection, i follow on with these rules

    My rules are:
    1) a form of photo ID displaying their name and picture together sent BEFORE the session
    2) I will only host at my home
    3) there is always someone else in the house present (in another room of course but still close enough to be able to hear any altercations and intervene in the worst case scenario)

    These are 3 very important things that I highly suggest you stick by also. Thankfully I have not had any issues with anyone!

    Best of luck x

  • I get your concern and it's completely legitimate. Also people have made some good suggestions here I hope you take their advice. But I just have to say this title is jarring and I really wish you had picked another one..."like how can I keep myself safe?" I really hate seeing the word rape staying for front on the main forum page.

  • That didn’t bother me I think most cuddlers have that concern it’s a bit blunt and honest but it’s a concern women especially live with constantly . But I think we can’t just focus on that . In these sessions you more deal with some people pushing boundaries and seeing how far they can go , you can deal with sexual harassment and assault as well . Go into sessions prepared and your eyes wide open . Prepare for the worst and hope for the best . I wouldn’t recommend doing this if you are not comfortable stating your boundaries and be willing to walk out if your boundaries aren’t accepted .Take precautions and vet your clients . I’ve done similar things when applying for jobs that are in someone’s home . You would be surprised how many men have thought nanny meant they had access to me as well .

  • I tend not to appreciate verbal dancing, so ky_utie's discussion title suits me perfectly. Granted, I've only been raped once (not by anyone I met through this site, in case you were wondering), so maybe it's not the PTSD trigger for me that it is for others, but if there's any better word for unwanted sexual intercourse, I don't know it. Contrectation? That's like... pre-rape, though....

    CuddlebugTM makes a good point: even if someone doesn't go as far as actual rape, that's still bad. After all, if they're pushing, that's the end goal—they've made it plain that they want what they want, and will push until they either get it, or force you to break social norms by stating your boundaries and enforcing them (in which case you're rude, and they're clear to be offended, or even angry). It is a terrible fact that it's not considered rude to ignore nonverbal communication, but it is rude to use verbal communication when nonverbal's been ignored. So it is that you can move somebody's hand ten times, but if you say anything about the way that hand just keeps coming back, people will be shocked.

    Anyway, I know rapists like to be able to tell themselves that's not what they did, and this discussion title makes that difficult for them. So I like it. Well done, ky_utie.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    @DarrenWalker Careful not to sit too high and mighty on your throne. It's a shame about your experience but that doesn't give you permission to be ignorant and asinine.

    There's verbal dancing on every thread on this site. If people didn't 'verbal dance' there would be a lot more bans.

    I just personally think "meeting a stranger" and "cuddling safety" looks better on the Comfort Cuddle front page.

    Freedom of speech is dandy. A little responsibility and self-awareness ain't too shabby either.

  • [Deleted User]ivlegend (deleted user)

    Great topic. I personally think we need to communicate first through msg and then meet in public place first and go from there. I think safety is the most important thing , make sure to set boundaries and if some one does not agree just stop and walk away.

  • Everyone feels different on how to discuss this . Knowing it’s being discussed no matter what words are used is good imo . As a survivor I say safety comes first . No amount of money is worth your safety in this area .

  • @chococuddles If you know of any place that gives people permission to be ignorant and asinine, let me know so I can avoid it. I wouldn't be a member of any club that would have me....

    But seriously, circumlocution and delicate sidestepping just look like particularly pointless forms of dishonesty to me. It's like lawyer language, or politician-speak. Why not say what you mean straight out? Because what you have to say is a terrible thing which should not be spoken of? Then don't speak of it! "If you're going to say a thing," I think, "for Pete's sake say it, already, and don't dance around the subject like it might bite you if you called it what it was." I suppose it is better to dance than not to talk at all, but I'll still praise those who don't bother with the seven veils.

    I am a terribly blunt person, and probably not particularly nice. As a result, I don't care whether or not an actual danger "looks good" when addressed on the CuddleComfort homepage. It's not pretty? Reality isn't pretty. Do you really need cupcakes and rainbows to make you feel better about a thing you frankly shouldn't be feeling good about anyway?

    This is my perspective—that is, the perspective of a self-admitted shameless ambsace. But even a stopped clock.... [shrug] I might be right.

  • I know of several people who are paid cuddlers , I will not say who for it is their business and their stories to tell if they choose, who have indeed been sexually assaulted by clients. And I don't mean boundary pushing but actual sexual assault. So even through the safeguards and screening process and what not, you still cannot 100 percent of the time be right about a person.

  • @pmvines that is true but the same can be said for dating or buying things off Craigslist . All we can do is vet clients . Be as careful as we can and listen to our gut !! If something feels off get the hell out . Don’t worry about being polite just go !! This is why I don’t host in my home . It’s my sactuary I never want to have to fear being safe here .

  • edited January 2018

    @cuddlebugTM absolutely! Just because this isn't Backpage of Craigslist doesn't meant there aren't people on here who don't treat it as such, and an unstable person can become quite threatening when rejected.

  • This is why I find an exit without full on confronting if I can

  • That's funny, because I feel the safest in my home. People that come here have no idea if there are cameras here or where stun guns/ mace are placed. My neighbors are always on alert and I have a great relationship with the police department. Far safer than someone else's home or a hotel.

  • Everyone has their comfort I gave children I don’t want strangers coming to my home . Reject the wrong person and it can be dangerous .

  • I don't have children here. Completely different scenario.

  • On a related topic, a friend hired a masseuse to his home and she ended up taking the money and bolting, and when he went out to chase her down a guy was waiting with a baseball bat. The next day his car was keyed and tires cut in his driveway. I have hired somebody to clean my house before and afterwards I noticed several small items missing, along with 40 bucks that was in one of my dresser drawers. This is the reason I don't think that, if I were a paid cuddler, I would feel comfy with inviting someone to my home unless I really knew them, and I realize that with the cuddler/client scenario there is not always going to be that trust and rapport as you may have in a non cuddler/client scenario.

  • @pmvines, you are speaking of the old Cash & Dash. Add to that the threat of assault with a deadly weapon (the bat) and the subsequent vandalism to his property, and your friend's tale highlights some of the ways meeting a stranger off the Internet is potentially dangerous and traumatic for anyone. Where I live, local police departments allow you to use their parking lots for transacting businesses between buyers on sellers on Craigslist. They know it's not uncommon for a scammer to advertise an item for sale, only to rob the unwitting buyer who shows up with a pocket full of money.

    Potentially shady activities especially attract a criminal element. If a guy calls for a "masseuse" he found on Backpage, criminals know he is unlikely to report any resulting robbery or assault to authorities, because he himself was engaged in a sketchy (and likely illegal) activity. The victim doesn't want to answer embarrassing questions or see his story in the paper. There is nothing shady or illegitimate about CC, but not everyone who joins knows or believes that.

    I've met something like 23 cuddle pros from various sites. Some of them I've met multiple times. But I've hosted only six times in total. And I always have second thoughts about hosting after the fact. Truth is, every time I read about stuff like this --- the various dangers to both men and women --- It occurs to me that maybe I should just stick with the cuddlers I already know well, and stop pressing my luck with new ones. I can take care of myself well enough. But who wants to need to?

    OP, folks have told you right: You can take all sorts of precautions (and you should, within reason), but nothing and no one can guarantee you safe experiences, here or anywhere else. All any of us can do is consider the risks we are willing to assume, mitigate them as best we can and take our chances.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    @DarrenWalker wrote: "If you know of any place that gives people permission to be ignorant and asinine, let me know so I can avoid it." It's called the internet and it's the perfect place for you.

    The rest of your pompous prose is so over-the-top it belongs in a Harry Potter book.

    The OP's question has been answered thoroughly so...

    Enjoy getting the last word and best of luck at Slytherin.

  • I was just thinking, the original poster hasn’t replied to this after creating this thread. I wonder how she feels now after all these amazing comments.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Curious myself @Morpheus.

    @ky_utie do you feel more at ease and better informed from all the insights?

    Or still unsure?

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