Getting a lot of messages from people much older than me

edited April 2018 in General

Hi! So I've never cuddled before, have very little experience with intimacy, and just created an account today. I thought that I should probably keep it within five years of my age group (and said so on my profile), since I'm a 20 year old woman and feel a bit strange about cuddling with someone much older than me, but I've been mostly getting messages from guys in their mid 30s and 40s who didn't read my profile or something. One of them said to me, after I told him that I'd like to keep to it in my age range, that younger guys will be more likely to take things in a more intimate direction--something I absolutely don't want, btw. Which does make sense...but I feel a little worried about cuddling with someone ten, twenty years older than me. Like, I'm a (small) 20 year old woman.

I was hoping I could get a wider opinion from you guys--what do you think of the situation? Should I try older after or all, or should I state more than once in my profile that I'm looking for younger partners?


  • It’s only a big deal in your mind. It’s just cuddling

  • edited April 2018

    @noindi I hear you about the age range. And that should be respected. Often I will reach out to people I think seem interesting without intending to actually meet, as meeting people is a rarety to begin with. There are quite a few people who I speak with regularly with different preferences for age when It comes to cuddling, but we aren't exactly cuddling so it is different lol. I will say that when it comes to actually meeting cuddle pals I don't try to push the issue with anyone who would not consider me to be a good match for whatever reason. So just stick with what you are comfy with. It is your preference and though some people may try to make you feel bad or second guess yourself, there is nothing wrong with having preferences.

  • edited April 2018

    @noindi, If I were you I would stick to your comfort zone. It is not unusual for a woman who is young and inexperienced to feel intimidated at the idea of being alone with an older, bigger, stronger, more experienced man. Can you be assertive enough to speak up for yourself and enforce your boundaries if you are unlucky enough to meet someone who tries to push them? That's a legitimate concern.

    This being the Internet, you will get messages from people who don't bother to read your profile, as well as from older guys who read it, but try to talk you into cuddling with them despite your stated preferences. So you can explicitly state your age range in the "About" paragraph of your profile, but that may or may not cut down on the number of inquiries you get from people outside your preferred age range. Goes with the territory, but stick to your guns.

    While I have happily cuddled people from twenty years younger than me to twenty years older than me, the key was that we were both comfortable with the idea from the get-go. Age doesn't matter in any absolute sense, but if it matters to you, then choose accordingly. Perhaps your comfort zone will expand over time as your confidence grows. In the meantime, you will not fully enjoy a cuddle session if you are nervous or uneasy about anything, including age differences. Your cuddle experiences, especially the initial ones, should be comforting for you, not challenging. It may take a while, but you will get enough messages to find someone your own age who suits you well. Wait for that. Good luck and happy cuddling!

  • [Deleted User]lilredmage (deleted user)

    Do what is comfortable for YOU. Period. Ignore and block those people who didn't bother reading your profile. The moment you told him that you wanted to keep within a certain age range, he should have left it alone right there. Posting it multiple times in your profile doesn't matter. Most men who are after something more don't bother reading any of that stuff anyway.

  • edited April 2018

    You state an age range in your profile and if anyone messages outside that range, just don't reply, or block them. The bigger problem is people who don't state an age range in their profile but they really do have an age range.

  • edited April 2018

    I have to agree with @pmvines and @quietman775 as both have sound advice.
    Yes, not everyone will read a profile before messaging them, but it is still advised that you put on your profile what your preferred age range is and can reference to it if you get messages of people outside that range requesting to cuddle. I agree that you should stick to the age range you're comfortable with and don't let anyone attempt to pressure you into going outside that range.

    From my own experience, I'm 33 and have successfully met with and cuddled with members my own age up to 10-15 years younger without any issues, but with each person, regardless of their age, I was still within their preferred age range and we talked a lot beforehand, made sure we were on the same page and that personalities matched before meeting in person or cuddling. Each was a fun experience, but like I said with each we talked for several days or weeks in some cases before meeting so it felt more like meeting up with a friend than a stranger.

  • It's true that many men in their 20s are fairly randy and have less impulse control than a more mature man. You're probably aware of that if you've ever dated. I wouldn't discount a guy just because he may be 10 years older than you. If you talk to them long enough, you'll get a pretty good idea of whether he's trustworthy or not. Yes, do what you're comfortable with, but I would encourage you to give some thought to guys a little older than you. There are great guys in every age range.

  • You should do what you're comfortable with. I have my preferences with age as well....I would be very unlikely to message you because you're so young. But I don't specify that because if someone who is 20 messages me and we get along well then okay. It's probably a failing on my part, not being more open when it comes to people significantly younger than I am.

    Some things are true regardless of age though. If they're not reading your profile that's not a good sign. The people who message you outside your age range likely didn't read it.

    You might be lucky though, since women are more likely to cuddle everyone you might be able to find an older woman who would be open to cuddles with you if you wanted to try hanging out with someone outside your current age range. I imagine you would feel safer with that?

  • thanks you so much for your advice everyone! this was super helpful. ultimately, i'm think i'm going to go with the majority and stay in my comfort zone for now, and stick to younger people and, like @JasonCuddles suggested, older women. I get where some of you who say age doesn't matter in cuddling are coming from but i think @quietman775 nailed it, the thought of being alone with someone so much older and more experienced than me is super intimidating. i think i'll expand my preferred age range, but make an explicit note that anything above like 30 is really just for other woman only. maybe in the future i'll be more comfortable with this to the point i'd be okay meeting with older guys, but for now, even the thought of it honestly just gives me uncomfortable, constant flashbacks to a decade plus of everything a woman below the age of 30 hears about meeting strange men/being alone with strange men.

    a lot of you are comfortable with 10-20 year gaps or more in age. i kinda wonder if that comes with having done this for longer, or if it's just you guys are older than me and those kind of situations don't seem so unnerving when you have 10+ years of adulting behind you.

  • Experience being your own authority for a few years really does make a big difference in confidence. Setting your own goals and boundaries, deciding what to do and when to do it, trying things and learning what you're capable of, and generally learning what it means to be you amidst what others try to impose on you all help you grow as a person. Eventually you'll learn to form and trust your own opinions of people without having to rely on the "be afraid of strangers" defense that we raise children to have. Then your life will fill with a rich variety of social interaction that fear hides from you.

    Since I've matured, I don't like that I was raised with that fearful mentality. I think kids should be taught to use their own brains to evaluate people on an individual basis. This can still be done with a bias towards caution to keep them safe in situations they don't have the maturity to understand and would make the transition to independence a lot less scary when they grow up. Most people are just normal, sane human beings -- nothing to be afraid of. And being taught to evaluate people instead of expecting them to figure it out on their own is likely to make them safer when they grow up and only have their own judgement to rely on.

  • Men are less likely to read your profile and take your preferences seriously. But look at it this way: you posted an age preference and a guy ignores it. So you also posted that you really want to keep it light and platonic with no sexual overtones. What would lead us to believe that a guy who ignored your age preference is going to honor your other preferences? Steer clear. By the way, I’m don’t believe that there is any particular age group that is more likely to push boundaries. If you said in your profile that you only wanted to meet androgynous left-handed individuals with green eyes, that is your preference and it should be honored. Period

  • @mickcuddle - what evidence do you have to back up your claim that "Men are less likely to read your profile and take your preferences seriously"? That's a mighty big assumption. I can only speak for myself, but I always read a profile completely before expressing any interest. And I would never ever message anyone whose age range, or anything else in their profile, excluded me.

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)

    @UKGuy - @mickcuddle may have just interacted with more than a few women here to be able to state that "men are less likely to read your profile and take your preferences seriously". I am a woman on this site, and I can tell you that his assertion is fairly spot on - given my own experience.

    I receive several messages per week from men. I have a very fleshed out profile, including my age preference for cuddle friends. I would say that approximately 75% of messagers are way below my stated age range, nor do they say anything to me that leads me to believe that they have bothered to read my profile,

    I am happy to hear that you are the exception to this trend. But that does not mean that it is not happening,

    In fact, I was recently contacted by a man who had previously contacted me - about 2 months ago. At that time, I politely thanked him for reaching out and informed him he was approximately 20 years away from my preferred age range, he proceeded to question and balk at my stated age preference. He wanted me to make an exception.

    Fast forward 2 months and he contacts me (just a few days ago)and says in a one line message: "I thought you didn't cuddle anyone under the age of ---". I am led to believe that he saw that I had recent Karma from someone who was 1 year younger than my lowest preferred age. Yes, I made an exception after weeks of messaging this person. Obnoxious of this intrusive messager to question my decision right? Sadly, that kind of exchange probably happens all the time on this site.

    You may not ever approach women on here in this way, and good for you. Perhaps you can serve as an older and wiser "cuddle counselor" to the less mature crowd.

  • Everyone has their own cuddle preferences. Non pros are not required to cuddle with anyone they don't want to ..I think. But having said that there seem to be many women who are willing to cuddle outside of their comfort zone after a little intelligent conversation.

  • My take from reading this topic is that women are right when they just ignore messages from male members because if they take the time to say a polite no thank you then they get at best guys trying to talk them into something they have expressed is out of their comfort zone or boundaries and at worst they get berated or become the subject of aggressive messaging. I guess some people don’t understand that no means no, so I agree, if you’re not interested don’t even bother answering, is not worth it.

  • [Deleted User]suzyffa (deleted user)

    Being a Cuddler requires strong interpersonal skills and @quietman775 said it all, your ability to be firm and assertive while staying polite and graceful will help your confidence as well. I have Cuddled with people of all ages from young men to older gentlemen, and regardless of their age, some will try to push your boundaries, and that's when you realize age is just a number.
    Everyone has their preferences but when it comes to cuddling age does not matter if the person in front of you can not respect your boundaries and choices.

  • Stick with your comfort level. That is what cuddleing is about. Being comfortable, safe. If you have an age range stick with it. I am 45. I look at their preferences. If I don't fall in their age pref, I don't contact them.

  • Funny thing about this because I think cuddleing should be with whom ever you are comfortable with. I think unfortunately we tend to want to cuddle with someone we find at least a little bit attractive which is human. I cuddled with a pro who was very pretty, but we spooned the whole time. All I say was the back of her head and the movie we watched. So her looks didn't matter once we started.

  • @noindi my own view is do not rule out older men if you like the way they look. Older men are not as different mentally as you think. Many of my hobbies and interests have not changed since I was a younger man. You should get on with older men just fine. It is cuddling after all, and not dating. You want to keep your cuddle pool as wide as possible.

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