What are some red flags that put you off cuddling someone?
How about "green flags" -- things that make you feel safe and comfortable to cuddle them?
This is a fun and interesting question, however I would advise against too much coverage on the subject. Instead of answering from an innocent, I will answer from accidental protagonist. The best green flag I feel I have incited with a cuddle buddy is having a patient demeanor. Not pressing for instant information and allowing a natural progression at the rate of comfort rather than my rate of need for affirmation and contact. The worst red flag I have comitted, which I am grateful to have had an open and honest partner to cuddle with to inform me of it, was to have a descriptive profile that went far too into detail about why I was looking for someone to cuddle with. Each of us has a reason to be here and most people prefer their personal life to be private. I have an emotional detachment problem and do not recognize that need as a normal and stick out like a sore thumb when my need for honesty and disclosure turns a simple hello wave into a backstory dissertation! It raises flags in the normal populace as it is out of the ordinary.
@respectful - I won't discuss red flags. I believe it teaches boundary pushers how to be more deceptive.
What makes me feel comfortable with someone is when he answers questions without hesitation, gives me more information than I might have asked for, and asks me about myself. I feel good when someone makes extra efforts to make me feel comfortable. For example, one person who I was going to drive a half hour to meet at his hotel texted me a copy of the reservation confirmation from the hotel the day before we were to meet so that I'd know he was serious about meeting me. I hadn't asked for that, and I appreciated it greatly.
Red flags to me are people being pushy. This could be someone wanting prepaypent, or soliciting, requesting to meetup really quickly. Also certain words in a profile seem to make me avoid them like open minded etc. If a pro has revealing attire too is a red flag.
@powerboard Being patient is a big one!
@BlueIris Those green flags sound good.
I'm unsure about not discussing red flags though ... it could be handy for people to have a list of things to look for. Someone sneaky enough to specifically look on the forum for how to appear "nice" could probably figure it out for themselves.
Also, as @powerbard mentioned, it's possible to unintentionally do or say something that can be a red flag for other people, so it may be helpful for new cuddlers to understand some of those things.
From an experience that literally happened two minutes ago from me posting this. I was looking at a profile of someone who mentioned having a hobby that I also have quite an interest in. They're brand new to the site and the majority of their profile is a list of rules, one of them being that a profile pic is required. I don't normally respond to profiles like this, but thought I'd give them the benefit of the doubt since they're new. I sent them a friendly message just saying hello and mentioned this particular hobby, and that I was going to send them a photo momentarily. The person responded literally seconds after I hit send and it simply said "profile pic required." Huge red flag for me. No way would ever want to cuddle or befriend someone like this.
I had somebody on a dating site (PlentyOfFish) tell me she found it creepy that I had a picture of my cat on my profile. How that is a red flag, I have no idea.
Hopefully you didn't switch it to a pic of an adorable chinchilla being brushed because that would mean you're pure evil. I mean look at this video, who could possibly like this?
@Mike403 That just goes to show that everyone is different and you can't please everyone. Easier just to be yourself and just chase away the people who don't get you.
@powerbard I don't understand why going too much into detail as to why you need cuddles is a red flag. To me that's a green flag (unless your reason is that you're a murderer or something, lol). Read my above statement to Mike ;-)
Red flags regarding pros
@ubergigglefritz lmao! Yeah, I think it was one of those “woah there buddy, try not to try so hard” overwhelming downloads of information. If that is the opening standard it can be off putting I suppose.
It can be difficult to discuss flags, mostly because it is both a helping guide to new people, but also a roadmap for creeps who would tailor themselves. True enough though, they will find a way if they are wanting to. I think it’s hard to say what a flag is, since everyone has their own gut intuition. There is probably a good core list of universal flags both good and bad that can cover the basics, but beyond that it is snowflakes and fingerprints. Unique to a person and their process.
One thing I had read in a recent thread kind of ties into this loosely and I was torn about my opinions on the subject. I think it was a dispute about communication and if someone was owed a response. I know that people can choose to ignore or deny a request to get to know someone, that is a basic right of person. It isn’t wrong to not answer at all, but by the same token, it isn’t really right. The gentle and giving heart of the community of people who are raw and starving also come with a greater need for affirmation and acknowledgement of their existence. I imagine this cocktail of needs and emotions that lead to being a part of the cuddle group also leaves nerves and patience on a fray when one reaches out and finds the same void they are fighting against as an answer. I think someone mentioned blocking messages is an option now, so that would be a helpful approach in the instance a red flag were encountered. A simple I am sorry, but this concerns me or that thing just isn’t something I am interested in could be issued and then blocked.
I am spiraling on tangents now, but a great list of absolute red and greens for basic guidance would probably be of value if they were general practice and not personal opinions. Sounds like a big order to accomplish despite it’s simplicity.
@powerbard I agree. I've had a lot of non-responses and I've been examining whether that's a me thing or a them thing and trying to make my approach as receivable as possible, but noobs like me are going to have a tough time learning if we just get shut out without so much as a simple decline. Maybe I came on strong, maybe you've been really busy, maybe your schedule is full, but hey, tell me something, don't leave me hanging.
@cease2exist I think your profile is really good I'm not close, but your introduction would make me interested in talking to you
I think it's also important to note that although we're here for the same things, there's going to be a hesitance in a lot of people based on the stranger danger stories we've been told our whole life. For me, noting whether or not you'd be willing to travel after we've gotten to talking (sometimes people are just looking to talk, especially if they're in a further state) and then backing off a bit is helpful. I've seen it and if we're still talking I haven't disregarded it, but if you push I'm going to become less and less sure. I don't want to distrust people, but the world (and internet) is scary and as an INFP and a highly sensitive person, I'm going with my gut before anything else. I do try to reply though, unless the initial comment is too aggressive or spammy.
Also, weirdly, I get a lot of assumptions that I'm a pro, which puts me off when I get a "how much for a session and when?" message. That's weird and uncomfortable even for pros (from what I've heard on the forums) and it is especially unsettling when I have given no indication that I am one.
Also, my foster girl Luna as a dog tax
When I first joined this site, I asked for feedback on my profile. Someone responded saying that using the word 'touch' was a red flag and advising me to remove it. Over the past few months, I've come across dozens and dozens of seemingly successful profiles using that word. So it seems to me that anything can be taken as a red flag by someone. I agree with @ubergigglefritz, just be yourself and let your 'red flags' chase away those you would not want to meet anyway.
I like the list @Morpheus put together and agree on many of his points. For me, a "professional" cuddler who doesn't take the time to visit a prospective client's profile, who doesn't answer a polite message with something beyond a word or two, and who is not willing to provide the most basic information about their cuddling preferences, is not really a "professional"
Red Flags: 1. Quite frankly, broken English has become a general red flag for me. I know it sounds bad, but after most turning out to be scams, I am extremely cautious. 2. Being pushy is definitely a red flag. Wanting to meet ASAP, with minimal communication, and at that person's house. 3. Any mention of money exchange. No money should exchange hands. There are circumstances that circumvent this, but it bugs me to have someone who isn't a pro bring up money. 4. Being defensive about basic questions. Like first name or interests. Basically, being terse doesn't appeal to me. This is more of a personal preference, than a red flag.
Green Flags: 1. Friendly, treat me as a human being. 2. Generally open, Share your interests and first name. Help me learn about you as a person. (There are reasonable limits, but basic info should be freely given.) 3. This isn't a date, work with me on finding a mutual meeting location.
It does bug me when someone doesn't respond, but it happens. I have learned to just let it go. People can simply be ignoring you because of a multitude of reasons. Honestly, I am more worried about triggering a landmine. Someone with a trigger that blows everything up. Some people are completely chill, and easy to get along with. Others have general triggers. A few have triggers that you couldn't predict. It would be nice to know what I have said or done wrong, or the reasons for why I was ignored. Though, something I can't change just won't help me.
No matter what, be safe out there everyone!
Some people don't take rejections well. They can't handle the truth. And they would start trash talk me to the point where I need to block them. I do think sometimes it's best not to reply at all.
@MrsManda "Noting whether or not you'd be willing to travel after we've gotten to talking (sometimes people are just looking to talk, especially if they're in a further state) and then backing off a bit is helpful."
That's an interesting one. Could you describe "backing off" a bit more? Does it feel OK for them to suggest cuddling, or would you rather be the one to do that?
Hehehe here’s a nice red flag for a first conversation. I am choosing to take it at face value and not judge, but it put me on edge. She may be having a legitimate conversation with me and I am choosing to roll with it if conversation continues, but as a real world example of eyebrow raising moments I will share. (Edited to remove the snippet of anonymous conversation to be mindful of someone elses feelings, per wisdom of pmvines)
The effect in question was a conversation that went straight from hello to a financial situation with a dollar amount stated, in reference to the other party’s personal life and medication.
Seems to me that she is likely just confiding in you about her medication needs. Some people on here are lonely and over share, especially if they don't have the best social skills. However I can see where it may turn into a conversation about asking for financial help I suppose, or a possible scam, hard to judge the intent. Either way regardless, to be honest if I were her I would prob be pretty upset that you are posting her conversation with you on the forum like this. Not very appropriate to do without permission, and I am sure one may consider to be a pretty big red flag. .
Sounds like she’s trying to scam you
I’ll pull it down if it offends, but the point of it is that as a lead in hello conversation, that is an easy red flag example. When someone follows hello with a financial situation and includes a dollar amount, one should start counting their fingers and raising their eyebrows. There is no identifier or name/number included in the example and she will be openly communicated with about my concern if she responds again. I am an all out on the table open and honest person, if an anonymous tidbit post offends her, I was going to sink that ship hard just by being myself anyways. I am not convicting her of a bad act, just using the flow and wording as a good example for new users and old alike, to see and understand what constitutes a valid red flag in a conversation.
@Morpheus You would never approve of my travel fees I guess, LOL. I price my travel fees according to how much I want to be traveling, and what distances I am most willing to drive. As we get past my "always willing" level (30 miles), then I start charging. Once I pass the number of miles I really want to limit the frequency of (80 miles), I charge even more. I host, so a client is more than welcome to travel to me, or meet me within my 30 mile free radius, but if they want me to travel to them, then they have to pay enough to get me to drive that far. It's their choice though which is worth more to them, paying for my time and expenses to travel to them or spending their time to get to me. And I for sure charge for both ways of travel if I'm only traveling for them. If I schedule a session with someone where I will be in that location anyway, I charge ZERO travel fees. If I schedule multiple sessions in the same area (I try to do this to help people out, if I can find anyone), I split travel fees between the two. But if I'm traveling to you and then back to my house right after, then I charge 100% of the miles in both directions. Makes sense to me. :-/
@ubergigglefritz I base who I see on total cost. If you charged me $50 and hour and charged a $10 travel fee each way bringing the total to $70, I would book you in a heartbeat. If your hourly rate is $50 but you charge a $50 travel fee each way for a total of $150, I would decline. I don’t disapprove of anyone’s travel fees. If the total cost is reasonable, great.
@Morpheus, well your red flags were specifically about travel fees O:-) Anyway, what you say makes total sense. That's why I've only had one person willing to pay to have me travel very far. It's the intended result of having higher travel fees for long distances. I don't want to do it a lot, so making it cost more discourages most people from having me travel so far. If someone is willing every couple weeks, I'm totally fine traveling that distance, but if I did it much more often, I would get burned out of that much driving =P That's part of the rationale of my fees - to end up with the amount of bookings far away which I would like to travel for. Other options are meeting halfway (but then dealing with a hotel) or them coming here. Life is all about choices O:-)
I think a green flag for me is when someone isn’t stalling when it comes to saying what they’re looking for. Clearly if they’re looking for anything non-platonic, it’s not a good thing but I don’t particularly feel good when folks Are very ambiguous with their answers and it just seems like they’re trying to get more than just a cuddle. And I’m asking “what do you mean? What is it that you’re looking for?” And they’re probably trying to figure out a way to speak code to me as if I’m okay with that.
Red flag for me is when a professional cuddler wants to host a session the same day without more than a few brief sentences exchanged between us. Most girls want to talk a bit first and make sure we understand the rules and what we want from a session. She's also got a very barebones profile Usually only escorts are not interested in discussing how the session will go before hand.
@stellarosass I hate discussions where we have to play cat and mouse games. But I wonder if you were to press me multiple times about what it is I’m really looking for, I’m wondering if I might be led to think that you are suggesting that there’s more available than what we’re talking about.
@mickcuddle I understand your point and I dislike back and forth's without substance. However, I've dealt with people who ask for last minute appointments with the express intention of foregoing the rules and try to wriggle out of adhering to them because "they came from work and don't have shorts to change into" or "I'm looking for more skin-to-skin contact during a session"
I have asked for last minute sessions and they have worked out a few times and a few times they have not lol I don’t do it because I’m trying to forego rules though, that’s sounds like a lot of work. I have an extremely busy work schedule and the moments I am free can vary and suddenly pop up so I try to take advantage of them when I can. I’m also generally pretty to the point when I try to book with pros. I’m really not into small talk. I talk all day at work, when I’m off of work, I really don’t want to talk. There are some pros however that want and need some communication and are put off my short messages. Not everyone is alike.
@BlueIris "I won't discuss red flags. I believe it teaches boundary pushers how to be more deceptive."
You make a very good point. I often wonder and worry about this. I think it's important to discuss these things and nice to not feel alone in these frustrations, but I don't want to make it easier for boundary pushers and such to be deceptive when their intentions aren't genuine and they truly are going to be shitty.
Patience and effort is so important. Doing as much as you can to make potential cuddlers feel as comfortable and safe as possible is so vital and appreciated.