Persistent Men

[Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

Before I begin, I'd like to address those of you who are already thinking, 'not all men on this site are like this.' While that is true - and I am eternally grateful it is - I have only had one issue with a woman (and I wouldn't even call it an issue for that matter - I will touch on this later) and several with men. Easily a dozen, in fact. It was much worse when I was more active on CC and now it's starting up again. I have met several men here whom I am friends with and who are very sweet. This post is not about such people. <3

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this problem so I thought I'd make a thread to maybe get some advice or as a place others can vent. Anyway, I'll begin.

If you message me with 'Hi' there is still a good chance I will answer you. That's fine although I'd prefer something with more substance. A few ways NOT to message me are, 'Ur pretty,' 'Your attractive let's cuddle,' 'I am touch starved. VERY touch starved (; ' or other pointless/gross messages. Don't get me wrong, compliments are nice but it's jarring out of the blue and men who do this normally want intimacy of a different kind. :angry: :s

For those of you who are bad at giving compliments, mention so and that you don't mean it in a perverted way. I understand, really. :)

If I politely refuse to cuddle with you, I do not have to justify my actions. Whether I choose to keep my reasons to myself (I rarely do) or not is my choice. If I say no and you repeatedly message me every few hours, every day or week - trying to prove to me you're a 'good guy' or wear me down - it will not change my mind. No amount of money or praise will either. Do not badger me.

For the last time, I do NOT want your money! Stop! I have kindly corrected men who have assumed I'm a pro. It happens. Offering money to fix my 'no' is not okay.

If I have declined in the past and this is not the first time you've messaged me again, there is a high likelihood I have replied saying that I will let you know in the future if I change my mind or even politely asked you to stop. Do NOT keep messaging me! If you do, I will likely ignore you or block you outright depending on the type of messages I receive.

Do not repeatedly message me with insults (that I will not be sharing in this post) or questions such as, 'Why are you ignoring me,' or 'I guess silence means no..? Lol.' If you have to ask, you probably already know. Also, adding Lol to something does not make it any less barbed. Do not get snarky with me.

There are other issues as well but those are the most common. Maybe I should just start blocking people more? I usually use that as a last resort though. Should I use a different photo? I've taken my photo down before which helped immensely but also hurt the amount of nice users who messaged me. :'( Incomplete profiles are taken into account when messaging people, after all. Thoughts?

The girl I had an issue with was roughly my age and messaged me. We had a pleasant convo and she slipped in how she'd like to get to know me better - to which I replied that dating is not what this site is for. She apologized and left the site. Easy peasy. No creepy compliments, no rudeness and no harrasment.

The men I have had issues with have been 30-ish to about 70 and some change. I expect grown men to act like grown men. As in, maturely. Not like a brat.

Take no for an answer.

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Comments

  • edited July 2018

    There are a lot of man babies who are extremely entitled, and also people who are very emotionally needy and not good with forming appropriate relationships. These are the people who will hurl insults, insist it is your issue not theirs, and get all deranged when you turn them down. No means no, and they cant seem to process this nor handle the rejection. And there are also many who still want to use this as a hook up site, and are looking for the next craigslist or backpage. I hear many men on here, in fact there are entire threads devoted to it, complaining that women don't respond to them, not even accounting for the fact that many women here receive non stop messages from sometimes not very savory people and simply may be too burnt out to respond, not have time, or just simply have other priorities. Hate that you have had some negative experiences with this.

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    @pmvines Thanks for understanding <3

  • @clumsycuddler , repeated messaging like you described after you decline a cuddle is boundary breaking behavior. Report the people who do this; you will not only be making your life easier but also doing a part to keep the community safe (I decline cuddles when I get red flags and before it's investigated I often hear that someone else met with the person and had much worse behavior irl).

    Enthusiasts and pros alike are entitled to not have boundaries pushed (or broken, in this case) so don't be shy about using the Report button. You can also PM Mike or @reurbo to explain what you experienced, and they will respond pretty quickly.
    Thanks for posting and many wonderful cuddles to you!

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)
    edited July 2018

    @PinkLipstick22 Aww, thank you! I really appreciate your answer. It's very helpful.

  • @clumsycuddler Thank you for this! I think many folks will find this useful for the future when it comes to contacting and reaching out to other enthusiasts!

  • edited July 2018

    @clumsycuddler I have already recommended a friend who is really gun shy about cuddling based on some negative interactions read this thread as it speaks to why she is frustrated. Good on you. I do sincerely hope some of the users on here take the content of what you are saying as helpful, constructive criticism. Could really help their interactions with other users on here and may find it easier to find someone to hang with.

  • Pin this for the new folks right?

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    @stellarosass I'm sorry, what? I don't understand what you mean exactly.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    Welcome to the intrewebz.

    About 10 years ago I made a dummy account on OKCupid. No profile, no image. Just that I was female.

    I was shocked at the amount of time and energy guys put into trying to court a picture-less person with no profile or other information.

    I just blocked and moved on like the dainty lady that I was.

  • @clumsycuddler new folks may be wondering why they can't seem to find a cuddler who is willing to cuddle with them so I said pin this as in make it the very first thing they see when it comes to how to ask someone on cuddle comfort to cuddle. Like you a wonderful thing to give the feedback you did, everybody should read this upon arriving to the party.

  • @chococuddles You may be choco, you may be a super villain, you may even be a lady (its possible) but dainty kind sir, you are not!

  • @chococuddles i wish more folks tried what you did lol i had a guy take over a profile of mine once long ago and even they were overwhelmed by all the "hey theres" and "heeeeey babe" messages... every now and then, you get the "why wont you talk to me?!>?" and the guy started venting at him like "as a lady, i don't owe you no conversation!" and it was the funniest thing to see his frustration with what was an everyday thing for me... eventually had to close that profile lmao

  • Yeah stick your foot down their asses and their throats, don't take shit from ANYONE that makes you feel uncomfortable.
    A lot of times us guys like to think how it is to be a women, truth is we don't have a f'n clue. And we get angry when a lady tries to protect herself and or set boundaries from so called "men" @clumsycuddler

  • @chococuddles you did your research :)

  • [Deleted User]soothinghand (deleted user)

    I'm really sorry women have to deal with this kind of behavior on sites like this. Im sure other decent men will agree that these man babies being a thing makes finding a cuddle buddy difficult for us as well. The women on any similar sites are skeptical of men's intentions, and I can certainly understand why...

  • edited July 2018

    Persistence is a quality in-bred into men. Without it most men would not have found a girlfriend, wife or job. When Thomas Edison was inventing the first practical light-bulb, the big problem was finding a suitable filament material. Edison tried 3000 different materials before he finally hit on the one that burned long enough. When asked how he kept continuing in the face of so many failures, he replied "I haven't failed, I've just found 3000 ways that don't work". So these guys who keep messaging you after being rejected are just finding ways of approaching women that don't work. The answer from your point of view is to block them. You aren't going to change human nature.

  • @stellaross @clumsycuddler I've added a link to this post under Contacting other cuddlers in the stickied Cuddling Discussions and Resources thread.

  • edited July 2018

    @stellarosass "If I politely refuse to cuddle with you, I do not have to justify my actions. Whether I choose to keep my reasons to myself (I rarely do) or not is my choice."

    That is totally true, but I wanted to mention how much I appreciate it when someone does write back, even if it's a "no". One of the first people I ever wrote to sent me a polite reply saying they would rather cuddle people closer to their own age, which was really lovely of them. I guess that's not always practical for women with an overwhelming number of messages though.

    I'm not sure how it works for other guys, but for me a "no" message gives me a kind of closure, rather than leaving me wondering what the person is thinking, and I'm actually grateful. I suspect some people worry that it will have the opposite effect though -- that any kind of communication will encourage the other person to keep on messaging them.

  • you're awesome @respectful!

    in an ideal world, it would be great to be able to respond no thanks or as to why. i think the chance of catching a bad 'rejection response' would be the deterrent for that. negative experiences from some ruin it for a lot of others. :'(

  • @clumsycuddler Thank you for your post. I have seen other post how men treat this as a dating site. So you write what not to say on this site. You don't mention what's a good way to respond to a woman's profile. Some forums mentioned to try to start a conversation from the cuddler's profile but it seems very difficult to get anything going. In my experience with a non-pro. What I'm getting at is even the female friends I have I would not feel comfortable asking them for a cuddle session because they may feel uncomfortable. The women on the site should be a little more comfortable with that because that's why they are on this site but it still seems hard to find a non Pro willing to have a conversation that's why I go to the pros because much easier to talk an get a session. I will mention a couple things on a woman's profile a non Pro and get completely no response so maybe it's my age maybe it's because I don't put a picture up but if they're here I would think that they would at least response.

  • The first month I was here I messaged about 4 pros none of them responded not even a no thanks. Then I got a couple of sessions with Pros. Same thing with non-pros I sent out a couple of messages and same thing no response I rather have a no thank you message.

  • @MaxCuddle - quite a few women on here have reporting receiving aggressive, hostile and nasty messages from men to whom they've sent a polite "no, thank you" message. Some have been stalked, some have even had these men find their social media accounts. In a perfect world, yes, it would be ideal to receive a no thanks message. I'm simply letting you know why many women don't do it. It simply isn't worth the risk of some unstable person making them feel unsafe.

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)
    edited July 2018

    @BlueIris Thanks for your post! I agree and was just trying to type up a good response touching on those points. I like yours better :p

    @MaxCuddle I mentioned a few things in my post to try that would help, actually. Maybe the women of CC should come together and make a big DO's and DO NOT's thread sometime. I still reply to most men with 'no thanks' but because I get many rude and negative responses, I've decided just to block or ignore men whom I have an issue with. Age has never been an issue for me so maybe it's your approach to cuddlers? If you'd like, I'm sure you could type up your normal response and the lovely Cuddle Comfort community could help you perfect it. We're all here to help each other :)

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    @respectful Also, thank you so much for linking this! That's great. I liked your post too. I feel kind of guilty for ignoring men at times but - sadly - the ones I ignore are usually rude, etc., so I try to keep in mind I probs dodged a bullet, haha. :3

  • The number of times I've said "no" and got told off is annoying. And even worse, you have to block a personal they come at you from another page.

    At least this site does seem to be a little better than others. I feel like most of us understand this is mainly a platform for platonic cuddling. It's better than getting six or seven rude and crude messages daily, like on others.

  • First of all, I want to say that I agree with the OP and I have this problem occasionally, too. (Less, I’m sure, because I’m a pro, but enough to be annoying and a waste of my time.)

    Hmm, this is a little off-topic, but I was wondering if the Cuddling discussions resource could potentially be broken into a few stickied threads.

    I know there’s been a great deal of work collecting anecdotes from different posts and compiling them — but it might be a little long with so many different topics for a brand-new user?

    Also, I’ve noticed that some of my responses, if asked, would be completely different from some of the listed responses. (For example, I feel differently than @BlueIris about how to contact me. I like when people mention they’d like to schedule me in the first message. I still go through my usual screening, but it lets me know that they are truly interested in my services and not that they just want a pen-pal. (Pen-pals can be great! I’ve gathered a few on here, but usually from forum intersections.) Anyway, then mentioning scheduling let’s me know that they are not looking for 1.) Free cuddles, and 2.) They are not interested in dating me! And those are very important things to get across right away.

    My .02. Take it fwiw (approximately .02).

    Andi

  • edited July 2018

    @clumsycuddler - " Maybe the women of CC should come together and make a big DO's and DO NOT's thread sometime."

    The problem with that is, that would be an enormous amount of wasted effort. There are already plenty of threads like that. The people who those tips are meant to help are the ones who sign on here and start messaging people without taking the time to investigate the site and find out what's appropriate and what isn't. They don't post on the forums and probably don't even read them.

    Just yesterday there was a new user who posted, asking if sexting was ok. How can anyone sign up on this site, which has PLATONIC written all over it, and think sexting might be allowed???

    Look how many resources are stickied in the General forum. Despite that, there are new people on a regular basis who post "I'm new here, tell me what to do" and want to be spoonfed rather than review the considerable amount of information that is already available. There's no way to prevent people from being lazy and inappropriate. All that can be done is to block them so they don't bother you any more and report them so they can be banned and not bother anyone else.

  • @BlueIris This is very true.

    Also, I hope you know I wasn’t calling you out in my previous message. I have no problem with how you do things, and I know you’re excellent at screening and have been of personal help to me several times.

  • @AndiCuddles - No offense taken, dear. None of us snowflakes are the same! :)

  • [Deleted User]clumsycuddler (deleted user)

    @BlueIris Unfortunately, you make an excellent point. I just wish there was something I could do to improve things, y'know?

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