Let’s talk about asking for ID

AndiCuddles

Hello fellow cuddlers and cuddlees!

It’s me, Andi, back with another question. ?

In my profile it states that I will need to see your ID when I meet you so that I can send your name to my safety buddy when I first start a session.

I know some (probably most?) professional cuddlers don’t ask for ID, although I know I’m not alone in asking for ID, either.

I recently had a really nice potential client reach out and say that he’d like to book me and is it really necessary for me to see his ID? (I thought it was great that he asked! Especially since it meant he read my looooong profile.)

It made me think — is it?

I know that it makes me feel a lot safer, at least right now when I only do out-calls or book Airbnbs.

However, I also know that professional cuddling is ‘new’ and many, possibly most, people don’t feel comfortable with other people knowing that they have hired a cuddler. Maybe because of society, maybe their job, maybe their significant other... And I understand their need for discretion.

The easy out is to say, “That’s what makes me comfortable, so that’s my line in the sand.” And I could do that. And I might still. There are a lot of clients who aren’t the right fit for me and vice-versa. That’s life as a professional cuddler.

But I was wondering, is there an alternative? A compromise that we could make? If I asked, instead, for you to pay by PayPal or credit card (I have a Square reader), would that be better? Or worse? What if I had you send me an email?

I’m not looking to out anyone. Or blackmail them! BUT just like I have my safety concerns, and I take those seriously, I want to take my clients’ privacy needs seriously.

What do you think? What makes you comfortable — either as a client or a professional?

Perfectly reasonable for you to know who you are trusting into your environment. There are 3rd-party "proxies" that will validate who you are, and then you can use/share that proxy info, to both prove who you are, but also keep that data between you and the proxy. It's like they do a background check or something and then they "vouch" for you. Google-around.

quietman775

I appreciate the fact that you have taken time to ask the question. I see some profiles that "lay down the law" about an ID requirement without displaying any understanding that the client may have valid concerns about it. Good on you for that.

Over the last four years, I have met 41 pro cuddlers from four different cuddle sites. Exactly one has asked to see my driver's license upon meeting. I acceded to the request on the condition that she also show me hers --- after all, she wasn't the only one taking the risk of meeting a stranger. So I let her see my license while I held my thumbs over the document number and my home address. :-)

Asking someone to pay by credit card at the beginning of a session might not accomplish your goal. I prefer to pay cash, but if someone insisted on a card, I'd use an anonymous prepaid debit card. Ditto with sending you an email: I use an anonymous email service that doesn't display my name or let you look up the name associated with the account. In any case, those of us who are privacy nuts (as I admittedly am) don't want to leave an electronic trail that will linger forever in cyberspace.

I don't know of any compromises that might satisfy both parties. Open to hearing about some.

AndiCuddles

@quietman775 I do always offer them my ID as well. And I only care about picture and name. They can cover the number and address and all of that if they want.

Hmm. Very interested in everyone’s thoughts.

BlueIris

I don't see how someone's ID is going to keep anyone safe. People have been making fake ID's forever.

Its the same arguement as locking your house or your car. It's going to weed-out the less-determined jerks.
But, yeah, its really up to the individual and it can't "prevent" bad things from happening.

Mark

I also know that professional cuddling is ‘new’ and many, possibly most, people don’t feel comfortable with other people knowing that they have hired a cuddler.

Yes, I think this is a really important fact. And it's likely the reason most people want to pay in cash.

There are 3rd-party "proxies" that will validate who you are, and then you can use/share that proxy info, to both prove who you are

Blockchain based identity solutions can't come fast enough. This website is a perfect use case for it.

cuddlerforu24

@AndiCuddles .. after the client showing you their ID , would you take a personal check, for the payment?

AndiCuddles

@cuddlerforu24

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m assuming that the idea behind your statement is something along the lines of: if I’ve seen the person’s name (and potentially their address, though I, personally, only check their name to send to my safety person), and that builds trust, I should trust the person to pay me by personal check (essentially paying me later).

That’s a straw man argument, my friend.

First of all, my personal safety is not equivalent to money (especially not a couple hundred bucks, if that).

Second of all, although I don’t know the statistics (I did try to look them up, but I couldn’t find anything), I think a stranger is far more likely to swindle me than to assault, abduct, or rape me. This is probably because I’ve been swindled by strangers before, but have not been attacked by a stranger.

And while the risk of being assaulted is low, the result of being assaulted would be pretty damn devastating.

Can ID prevent someone from attacking me? No. Can ID prevent someone from swindling me? Also, no.

However, there is a reason that businesses request ID when taking checks, and that’s that it cuts down on fraud — it doesn’t eliminate it.

And that’s essentially what I’m trying to do when I ask to see ID from clients.

———
Now, to answer the question you asked, directly:

Probably not.

Because, as I said earlier, I think the risking of someone stealing from me is higher than being assaulted.

AND the standard payment in the business is cash, and occasionally credit card or PayPal/Venmo, etc. If the person would like the money drawn from their bank account (and were unable to carry cash for some reason), they could still easily use a debit card or PayPal. They could use PayPal even if they forgot their wallet!

Also, who even uses checks anymore?! That seems suspicious even by itself.

Lastly, right now most of my clients come to me through Cuddle Comfort where I am on the line for 15% of the session fee within 24 hours of the session occurring. If the check bounces, I’ve essentially PAID to cuddle a client. If there’s a hold on the check and it doesn’t clear immediately, I have to pay my session fees out of reserve funds.

HOWEVER, if there was some weird situation that made it plausible that a check was the only or best way for the client to pay — then, yes, I would take a personal check. I can’t think of such a situation, but I suppose it’s possible.

/sigh

Maybe I should stop cuddling and go to law school.

cuddlerforu24

Honey...
Yes , let me correct you ... my question is not a statement ( that you should take the check once you built trust), but , a simple question . And I got a wishy washy answer , you probably would not , but you would consider .
One of them is , being faced with , the client only has a check , do you , play it safe ? , and cancel on the spot , and go without money ? Or, well
, he looks honest , so I guess it’s ok .
If the check bounces , which , probably won’t , or will , I don’t know , don’t worry about the 15% , the website people are very understanding , I think underthe circumstances that they may excuse ,or , postpone the session fee from you , and , the client , has to answer to the wedsite .
Or , take the check to
Small claims court .
Call the client , he’ll say “run it through
Again I miscalculated .”

Another consideration ...

Wouldn’t you rather have a nice CLEAN check instead of that dirty, filthy cash ?
There is no guarantee, that the ATM will spit out currency hot off the press, uncirculated .
It’s remote , but one of those bills may have dried dormant Ebola spores on it , and if you put the money in your pocket , and send
The garment through the wash , you have reactivated the virus , and, just think of the epidemic you have started, because you insisted on cash!

AndiCuddles

@cuddlerforu24

I asked a polite question with only the best of intentions. You provided me with a question indicating a false equivalency — a question which is NOT RELEVANT to my initial inquiry.

Despite this, I gave you a very thorough answer. In response you’ve given me inflammatory nonsense.

Don’t call me honey.

cuddlerforu24

@AndiCuddles ... no honeys . Fair enough

You asked in politeness, ( your first post)and I responded with an equal politeness ( my entry into the discussion)

Your answer went both ways .

I think there is a relevant equivalency that there is an underlying issue of trust

Let me rephrase .
If the client messages you with can he pay with a personal check ( which is not normal)
Provided he produces his photo ID ( which is also not normal)

Would you accept the check? Yes or no .

I don’t know what I typed that was inflammatory , was the Ebola thing ? That was just something to take any sharpe edge off the debate/ discussion

@cuddlerforu24 You're trying to belittle and instill fear in folks. You are calculating every response.

You are changing the intent of the messages to make yourself look superior. Fail.
The arguments about being afraid, are not specific to cuddling. They are everyday life.
Stop trying to twist things that you clearly do not understand.

You sound like all the other versions of yourself that keep showing up and trying to stir-up trouble. You may or may not be the same person or group of people but your behaviour is of the same ilk.

Don't call anyone your pet names. It is the most-clear attempt to belittle people. And if you give the arguement that you are just being friendly, you might want to re-examine that and your other relationships to see if you really are communicating friendship and not just being dismisive.

I personally wouldn't show my ID but I'm more than happy to skype and chat.

I feel like an ID is too much like sending a photo - could easily be faked.

Not to sound sexist but if I was a female pro cuddler I'd feel more at ease knowing I have visual proof (yup, if I was a female pro cuddler and felt iffy, I'd take a snapshot of the skype session then toss out the photo once the session ended) rather than a peek at an ID.

I agree with @BlueIris.

Navyman1010

@BlueIris i stand with you, getting ID's dont make ppl feel safe, especially if your like me and your a victim of ID theft

AndiCuddles

So, funny story — the first client I saw who resisted showing me their ID (even though I had mentioned it in messages as well as my profile)... well, the session went fine (it was a little weird, but fine).

But apparently the next session the client scheduled didn’t go as well. Because they were banned.

Coincidence? Probably. But, considering this thread, I thought it was funny.

@Navyman1010 Good point about ID theft.

AndiCuddles

FYI, Driver’s licenses aren’t a very common (or easy) way to steal identity. I mean, think about all the people you show ID to to buy alcohol, cigarettes, go to a bar, go to an R-rated movie... Showing a stranger your driver’s license isn’t exactly an uncommon event. The most common way to use a driver’s license for ID theft is to physically steal the license and sell it as a fake ID.

A social security card being stolen is a lot worse. Credit card numbers and data breaches are much more common. Hell — dumpster diving your garbage and old mail or looking up info on your Facebook is more common!

Anyway. Still like photo + ID. And, like I said, I’m willing to give them my photo and look at my ID.

I’m still open to debate and reasonable alternatives.

pmvines

@AndiCuddles they actually still id for r rated movies ??

AndiCuddles

Lol. Yes. I mean... it probably depends on who’s behind the counter.

Morpheus

I would have to count to get an exact number but I know I have seen at least 35 pros and one asked to see my ID upon arrival and the other want me to send her a copy of it. The one who asked to see it upon arrival is a well known pro so I had no issue showing it to her. As far as sending a copy oline, I would never do that for anyone. Most people don’t know this but you don’t even need to show your ID for a credit card transaction. Also as someone said above, seeing as ID does absolutely nothing to keep you safe.

cuddlerforu24

@galowglass : I’m no trouble maker, but no diplomat either .
You entry to this discussion off topic , suggest you are just kissing butt to the OP

I entered the conversation at the onset. Not when/as you suggest. Try starting at the beginning.
The only butt I kiss is my wife's. (and only on the cheeks). Thanks for thinking of me.
As for the OP, think of it this way. We're having an open, long-term, healthy, appreciative meeting-of-the-minds. Yeah, I love interacting with the OP. Great minds think alike. Peace

Navyman1010

Not giving anyone my ID period

AndiCuddles

Lol, well, from our diametrically opposed viewpoints in the forums, I don’t think we’ll be cuddling anytime soon, @Navyman1010. ?

But thank you for weighing in.

loneeuke

I wouldn't want to show my ID

For first time clients I prefer that they let me take a picture of their id before we start. I’m sort of paranoid, but worst case is that if they hurt me in some way, I know exactly who they are. I feel like it keeps people accountable for their actions/gives me peace of mind. If all goes well, I delete it right after. Cuddling is about trust, I feel like its a good way to very quickly build it up.

AndiCuddles

@Kaiwoods

That’s how I feel. Like, I know it wouldn’t keep me from getting hurt, but it could help if I were, say abducted. Or to prevent other girls/women from being hurt.

And me showing them my ID should give them some reassurance that I’m not a scam artist who’s going to steal their wallet or phone or whatever...

Plus, I think it might weed out some shady people from contacting me in the first place. /shrug

@AndiCuddles Right! The only thing that would prevent me from getting hurt/abducted is to not cuddle at all. I feel like the chances of people using a fake id is very low (if they are over 21) And yeah the ones who refuse an id is a red flag for me, it shows they have something to hide.

quietman775

_"And yeah the ones who refuse an id is a red flag for me, it shows they have something to hide."

@Kaiwoods , or it shows they value their privacy on principle. There is nothing sketchy or sinister about that. You see a red flag if someone won't show ID, and I see a red flag when some Internet stranger asks me for sensitive personal documentation. That request is a deal-breaker for me, just like requests for advance payment to book a session.

If a pro reads my profile, my long list of reviews, chats with me on the phone, receives my photo, even contacts other pros who have cuddled me, that's all well and good. If, after all that, she still wants a take a picture of my driver's license and suggests that I've "got something to hide" because I think that's a bridge too far... well, I guess she and I were not destined to cuddle. There are so many pros who don't ask for that, there's no real reason for me to jump through the extra hoop. Some of the best sessions I've ever had were with people who never even asked my name or saw what I looked like before meeting me. These carefree folks represent one extreme on the cautiousness spectrum, and the "security theater" crowd represents the other. There's someone out there for everybody, so it's all good.

I am curious about one thing, though; if you want to snap pics of their ID, do you let them snap pics of yours?

@quietman775 My response wasn’t directed at you, personally.

Obviously I don’t, let’s be serious here, a pro has a much higher chance of being raped or stalked/targeted should her information get out.