This is very interesting and good advice. I actually was a victim and over a year after the fact I can see myself in many of the signs on that poster.
Fortunately though this site is extremely good about putting safeguards in place to keep that from happening which is why it is always strongly encouraged to keep all contact on site. Even though things may be deleted by the PMer it is all retrievable by the moderators and members do get banned for trying things like mentioned above.
As long as the site rules are followed no one should have any fear of sexual exploitation. This isn't a sex site, it is a friendship without benefits site. Friends only.
With that being said this is good to have out here because I didn't see the signs in myself as I was being groomed for a violent cycle of multiple abuses. I ignored the red flags listed above and made excuses for his bad behavior, right up until the cops came to the door to arrest him for my injuries.
I am an educated woman with formerly white collar jobs, I've raised three kids successfully, I had my own condo, vehicles, a dear dog, secure well paying job with benefits, friends and cash for fun things. The one thing I didn't have in my life at that time was affection and cuddles.
On this site I almost got myself banned for breaking the site rules and going offline within first contact. It was a bad thing, the person I was talking to only had one thing in mind, and if I'd stayed on the site and communicated through here as per rules I wouldn't have had that issue.
I've also had four great experiences with cuddlers here, three pro's and an enthusiast like myself. We followed the rules and the cuddles were great and most will be repeats as well.
So that being said, I truly hope that the poster above isn't needed on this site but I'm proof that anyone can fall. So thank you for posting, and people ~ if you feel any sort of warning at all, men included, back away. Slow down and give space and the light of day to the messages you may be getting bombarded with, reach out to some of the forums and find someone to fill that need for you through conversation, if you don't like any of the current topics or can't think of your own look back. There are at least 10 pages of posts on here covering everything from pot smoking to pets! Don't allow yourself to be sucked in to a bad situation because you're desperate for some need to be filled.
I for one had everything, except one vital thing. I've lost everything including dear dog and my kids, but I've found affection and a few cuddles. My kids and I are working our way back but it was hard as adults to watch their mom go through abuse that she couldn't see and was all to obvious to them.
@PaulaDahla don't beat yourself up over what happened. I'm proud of your for getting out of that bad relationship! I was in an abusive marriage. It starts of slowly, with the red flags all being there, but we tend to want to see the best in people and overlook their horrible sides. I tried to leave a couple of times, even within the first year of us dating, but counting the dating and years married, it took 10 years before I finally left.
Since leaving, I've worked on myself, and on trusting my gut when I feel like something is off with someone (whether it's what they said in person, over the phone, through a message, or even in their profile). Anyone who wants all of my time and attention upon first meeting them, I immediately drop them from my life. Wanting to take up all of someone's time is unhealthy, and typically comes along with love-bombing, a tactic abusive people use.
My ex-husband definitely groomed me. He acted like he was sincere and cared, but the whole time he was just getting information from me, my vulnerabilities, to later use against me. By the time I left him, I saw him grooming other women in his life (colleagues, family friends, his own students!). It was terrifying, but he had gotten to the point where he felt he had me so beaten down, he didn't have to hide what a horrible person he was to me. The mask came off, and I saw the monster that once fooled me.
After leaving, I went through some bad relationships (friendships and romantic), as I educated myself about abuse in all its forms. I feel like I'm still growing and getting to know who I am, since I lost so much of myself in an abusive marriage. I'm definitely a different person than I was so many years ago before meeting him, but I'd like to think I'm a wiser and stronger person who is true to herself. If I don't like something, I say "no", and don't try to people please. This is why I like cuddling and platonic relationships. If someone can't abide by these rules, or tries to push boundaries and break the rules, then I know they are probably an abusive person, as abusers don't respect boundaries.
Well thank you, I don't beat myself up any longer but it took multiple states and dozens of people to get me to the point that I am absolutely okay with myself, if I weren't I don't wouldn't have responded as transparently as I did. My handler was a narcissist. He and I lived together but he was in complete control of all things about me including where and with who I slept each night.
The reason I posted was to bring to light the fulfilling a need and isolation. I had an ideal single middle aged life, but I was personally lacking one thing and actively seeking it. He picked up on it and exploited it, I allowed myself to loose everything due to fear of losing the person who made me feel good with his affection and touch. In the process I lost all the truly valuable things in my life. Friends, family, and pets.
Just reinforcing the steps I guess, always be careful of who comes into your life, and if any red flags, uneasy feelings in your gut, or an irrational fear of losing them begins take hold ~ back up!! That's all, back up, look up, & look around at your life currently and don't allow it to continue.
I now proudly hold my head up and don't view what I went through as shameful or have fear of repeating it. In fact this is the first time I've admitted it publicly outside of victims pages. I like myself and that was a hard fought battle, it's also one of the reasons I check out of this site often because I need a healthy dose of the messy, hard real world to keep me straight and well rounded. Nothing like looking a passerby in the face as you hold the door and smiling or acknowledging the man stepping aside for me with a smile and a thank you to keep a person grounded in present. I can't be isolated if I force myself to be in public daily!
Thanks @TisDoney for bringing this up at a time when it may be needed. If indeed the sex industry has started joining our family site and using it for purposes other than intended as talked about in another post. This is the perfect time to bring awareness to everyone on this site of empowerment and healthy issues.
Rock on @TisDoney, fight the good fight.
We're with you @bluesgirl and @PaulaDahla Thanks @TisDoney for posting that-especially since Dallas is one of the worst cities in sex trafficking in the country.
I had two men already from this site attempt to groom me and I reported them. One of the men was actively telling me about the cuddlers he had had sex with from this site and how he did it. It was disgusting to hear about.
@rob421 Agreed. Apparently Abilene isn't any better. My sister and her husband can hardly go to the park with their 1 1/2-year-old son without worrying about sex offenders.
Great thread topic very useful and informative. I must admit when I saw the title I thought it was about hygiene.
Mmm. got out of an abusive relationship 2 years ago. Abuse ...It’s like boiling a frog. You don’t really know you’re in hot water till it’s too late. I used to be judgmental of abused people, like why don’t they just leave? It’s so obvious this guy is nuts! But it never starts out crazy. Man Karma got me quite good. Imagine dating someone for 4 years before the obvious abuse starts. Y’all live together. Have the same friends. You know their family very well and have a decent relationship with them. It’s hard to break away financially and emotionally when your life is set up around a relationship. Even then you think, maybe they are just going through a bad time. For better or worse right? Just love them through. But the little things they do to be mean grow and grow. They push the boundaries as far as they will go and break them. The only way out is to destroy your own life. Shoot I got away 2 years ago and I only finally got rid of him for good last month. That’s how desperate he is to have his hooks in me, me being upset and miserable feeds something in him.
This picture is a good starting point for learning about the signs. I wish I were eloquent enough to share some of the warning signs I learned from experience but I don’t quite know how to express them. The only thing I can say is if they cross a boundary, just leave, it’s better to leave and be single or alone than run the risk of being sucked in. Sometimes people transgress because they don’t know better, but that’s rare enough to not be reliable. Also abusers don’t always know what they are doing is wrong, or want to know. A lot like my dad just learned it from growing up. I love my dad, and he works super hard to break the cycle of abuse. But it’s so hard to break and he fails sometimes. As much as I love him. My mom doesn’t deserve to be a handler or to suffer when he relapses.
And talk with your friends about it, me and my gals we have a code to step in and help each other wake up and leave if we see it get bad. To be each other’s safe haven if we have to run. I can’t stress how important it is to have a contingency plan even if you never use it.
Honestly the way I got away was suicide. And I’m very lucky to be alive. I’m lucky someone I knew had a bad feeling and went to check up on me. Being hospitalized and instituted helped me. It gave me a place to be when I didn’t have anywhere to go, and the therapy helped me be strong enough to leave him without dying.
@chubbybunny Yes, the boiling frog analogy is exactly what being in an abusive relationship is! And I had similar, growing up with abusive parents and a very dysfunctional family, so what I thought was "love" and "normal" for a healthy relationship was very misconstrued. So that didn't help me much when I finally married my abuser. Glad that you survived and are out of that mess!