As somebody whose body doesn't match their personal identity (think Christopher Lee as Count Dracula, but driving a little bitty pink Corbin Sparrow, with his long bony knees up by his chin)—I understand both the desire to conceal the unwanted facts about your unsuitable vehicle/body and the desire to know whether the person you're cuddling has an extra bit between the legs, or a weirdly squishy chest, or whatever.
Were I a pro, I'd definitely make sure any and all potential clients knew my current body type. It's not really the sort of thing you want to spring on someone, and trying to hide it from somebody you're cuddling doesn't seem relaxing.
As matters stand, I kind of... hide it on my profile. I mean, come on, let's face it: you and I are probably never going to cuddle, random forum-goer! But if we ever do, hey, it was there. I did say.
Here’s a thought, what if we disclosed on our profile our preference. Preference: “female, that were born with breasts and never had a penis” “Male, never had breasts, born with x length penis” Or “i don’t want to cuddle with trans or lgbtq, because i don’t get it” It can get ridiculous is the point I’m making, so i guess the dialogue for understanding is whats needed, not the my points more important dialogue. I’ll go first to break the ice.
I’m uncomfortable with the way i feel when it comes to lgbtq+ people. I don’t like the way i thought as a child, adolescent or young adult. I’m ashamed of the way i spoke and probably made people i love feel without knowing i was doing it. I’m afraid of doing it again. I feel my heterosexual behavior is comfortable to me and don’t understand others, i shouldn’t be afraid to understand it but i am. I also don’t like the fact that lgbtq people are uncomfortable in this world, they should be. But i don’t know how to fix it. I just don’t want to be uncomfortable.
@BashfulLoner: If it helps, I don't like the way I thought about LGBT+ stuff when I was younger, either. Even now I probably mess stuff up and hurt people I don't want to hurt, because hey—I was raised to think and talk a certain way, and habits are tough to break. Yes, even when your own self doesn't match your body, and you'd think asking for and remembering pronouns and all the rest of it would be easier!
You're not alone in the messing-up area here. So long as people are trying, I can put up with a lot of mistakes; I just hope other people feel the same way about my fumbling.
@BashfulLoner I applaud the sincerity of your post and your willingness for self examination, self awareness, and self disclosure. It is these things that true change comes from. It is not always about fixing things, but rather acknowledging how something impacts others and what to do to lessen that impact. You are not coming from a place of hostility, but rather a place of acknowledgment .
Well thanks guys, just trying to start the kind of conversation i think will be helpful. It’s a little more constructive than what we normally go back and forth about.
I'm really grateful that the ones who desire to have constructive honest conversation are the ones still dominating this thread. It's refreshing. I'm sure it's obvious at this point, but I have someone very close to me that is trans, and I'm fearful everyday they exist in the world. Please forgive me when I come if as combative, it's a position I didn't expect to be in, but here I am.
It has always seemed to me that the people who fret about, are disturbed by, or feel the need to control, the identity of others have serious identity issues of their own to address.
As long as someone is honest with me at the appropriate time, I simply don’t worry about it.
In context of platonic cuddling, and this website, smell, voice, kindness, empathy, and presence are all important.
Someone’s gender identity only matters as it affects those things.
I am very open and accepting of everyone but the vast majority of men in the world would be highly offended if they thought they were cuddling with a female and then found out they actually cuddled a trans female. Argue with me or try to defend your views all you want but what I am saying whether you agree or not, is the truth. The 3 trans pros in LA btw purposely don’t disclose their gender because they think they won’t make any money if they list themselves as trans. I know this for a fact because one of my close personal friends is in a relationship with one of them. It has nothing to do with them choosing to be this or that, for them personally on this site is has to do with making money.
@babestorm: And genderless people are people. Yes.
Still, @Morpheus has a point: cis men are mostly the ones hiring pro cuddlers, and they mostly only want to cuddle cis women. So trans women who want to cuddle for money disclose their gender, but not their physical sex... because they know most cis men are socially conditioned to reject physical closeness with anyone who has (or has ever had) a penis.
I know I've said this before, but society is dumb.
Personally, I'm with babestorm in the whole "my privates are none of your business" area. But I also think it matters what shape of body the person you're cuddling with has. Take me for example:
My personal sense of identity says "agender." Sure, I have a lot of stereotypically male personality traits. And sure, I wear my hair in a stereotypically male style. And sure, I buy all my clothes in the men's section. And sure, most people who see me in public or talk to me online assume I'm a man (well, okay, a teenage boy—but the point is, male). But I'm still agender. This does not change no matter what anyone around me says, does, or thinks.
However!
When deciding whether you want to interact with my physical body (not just my psychological self), I think it's helpful for you to know a few facts about this body of mine.
・ Knowing that it's 5'3" means you know I'm probably not going to be making you feel tiny. ・ Knowing that it weighs around 110 lbs means you know whether having me lie on top of you is a safe option. ・ Knowing that it's skinny means you know I may be poking you with some ribs or elbows or something. ・ And knowing that it has breasts means you know what any head-on-chest cuddles are more likely to be like.
Wanting to avoid even the possibility of being penis-poked (whether because you've been traumatized by a horrible experience, or conditioned by society to drop into BSOD at the mere thought)—that desire isn't sexual.
Preferring flat chests to snuggle up against because you just don't like the feel of squishy lumps against your sides or back or whatever—that preference isn't intrinsically sexual. It is an annoying fact that plenty of people out there will do whatever they have to to make it sexual; but still.
Can't we just unhook body type from gender altogether? Some men have breasts. Some men don't. Some women have curves. Some women don't. Some agender people have testicles. Some agender people don't. Some men can give birth, some men can't, some women can give birth, some women can't. Isn't it obvious by now that your body (a physical thing) and your identity (a psychological thing) are two different things?
My identity is agender (and American, and nerdy, and so on). My body is female (and German, and white, and so on).
And because cuddling is physical, when you cuddle with me, you're cuddling my body. It's not a body I picked out, and there are definitely bits I'm cutting off and throwing away just as soon as I safely can, but it is what I've got at the moment, and it is what you'll be snuggling up to.
It's kind of like my couch. I didn't pick it out. Sure, I do the best I can with it, but it's still small and kind of hairy and smells faintly of dog. I'm not gonna pretend it's not so to try and lure you in.
Though I would love to ignore the problem myself, being as there's nothing I can do about it right now....
In short, cuddling requires touching. And everybody has things they prefer not to touch. It doesn't have to have anything to do with genitals except insofar as those impact the physical shape of the body (which society's conditioned people to respond to in various stupid ways).
Respecting others goes both ways. Especially when money is involved.
As I've stated before all of my Trans friends on dating sites openly say so on their profile.
Just last week I told a Trans friend I just see Trans women as women and she actually preferred to be called a Trans woman as a source of pride. Most other friends prefer to simply be called women. That's their choice. Just like on dating sites, they give the guys a choice by being honest and upfront.
@chococuddles i agree trans ppl need to be upfront and honest, please dont trick guys with fake pics of cis-girls and show up and as a trans
On cuddlecompanions, there are 26 pros that list themselves as trans. Hats off to them for their honesty and transparency. If they can do it, why can’t it be done here on cuddlecomfort.