Changing human nature

docgatorb

I feel philosophical today, so I offer a question: How much can human nature change and is this a good thing? I come from an orientation of being polyamorous. I know that I am different from many people in this way. For some reason, I seem to be missing the jealousy gene. As a result. I don't expect people to be 'faithful' in the sense of being exclusive in their relationships. I always felt that I was odd in this way until I came upon the alt.polyamory in the early days of the internet. When I realized that I was not alone, I came to accept my way of life. The question is: can one who experiences jealousy overcome this and is this a desirable thing? The argument that I have heard against this is 1) it's not possible unless you start this way since it is a part of human nature and 2) the lack of jealousy means that the relationship is lacking passion and that is a bad thing. This second part is what I disagree with most since I don't feel that my relationships have lacked passion. I do feel that I can keep a cooler head at times of disagreement, but I don't see that as a bad thing. I also don't agree that we can't modify our own nature. But, of course, this isn't going to happen if we feel that the change is undesirable. So, I throw this question to the group. Answers don't have to be specific to polyamory, it's just happens to something in my nature that has conflicted with others.

labelz

I had a similar conversation recently. Jealousy is a lack of trust. Passion is usually either being caught in a moment, or having complete trust. So I do agree, that jealousy is not a result or indication of passion. I don't get mad if another guy is checking out the female on my arm. Yep, she's hot and with me, i'm proud. (a friend is another story and that's lack of respect) Now, if a woman is doing things to make you jealous, that's usually indicative of an insecurity on her part.
Poly is an interesting thing. I"m sure you can agree that only about 1 in 10 do it "properly". I've found that many people that claim to be poly, are actually masking a fear, or masking an issue in a relationship and use poly as a band aid. (I don't get this impression of you, sir) Others function very well in a communal environment. If you look at humans as another species of animal, we are as communal as deer, wolves, birds, etc... So in that regard, i don't see polyamory as unnatural. (no need to go down societal/religious notions about monogamy etc) Any type of relationship, monogamous, poly, open, bi... always comes down to communication and trust to make them work...

docgatorb

it's hard to get into this conversation without getting on the topic of religion. As a non-religious person, it is also hard for me to understand how much people have allowed themselves to be so deeply guided by various religious authorities.. Contrary to popular belief, there is little, if any, evidence that beyond the last few hundred years of human history. man practiced monogamy. The concept that it is part of 'human nature' is highly doubtful. Still, that is not reason to say that it isn't desirable or socially beneficial, I just believe that there are better alternatives.

I also agree with labelz that there are many who claim to be poly but seem to be using it to cover behaviors that don't have anything to do with being poly. such as not being able to make commitments. It's sort of like the politicians who quickly state how important family values are and then just a quickly oppose legislation that would support families on the basis that it would be socialistic (oops, now I've done it, I've brought up both religion and politics). 

Grace_Anna

I think it is possible for a human being to change some of his or her nature, but it can be difficult for sure. For instance, people whose lives revolve around drugs or alcohol sometimes decide to give up their addiction despite the difficulties associated in doing so. I personally have worked to change my doormat nature by setting better boundaries. It has taken some time, but I like to think I've come a long way.

On the other hand, I agree that a person will not change if he or she doesn't see the change as desirable. There are definitely some people who find that monogamy doesn't work for them and they really shouldn't agree to it. However, there are other people who find polyamory doesn't work for them and they really shouldn't agree to it. People can prevent a lot of hurt by simply being honest with themselves and their partners about this.

docgatorb

I am currently dealing with someone with anger management issues. Now, the problem is that I grew up with a father with anger management issues combined with drinking. I find that although you can change your nature as part of maturing, some natures continue as weaknesses, although they are generally being managed. So, in my case, I feel that I am aware of my weakness and don't want to delve into that dark place where my weaknesses can get the upper hand. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into suppressing anger, I find that it can be powerful motivating force and sometime you need anger to get yourself going. But that is anger that is under your control. Uncontrolled anger, however can be a powerful destructive force. I feel that I need some reassurance that people can change their nature or ta least their behavior. Comments welcomed.

bluestripes

Hi docgatorb! I'm new on the site, but I've been enjoying reading your thoughts quite a bit on this forum. I hope my comment will not be too personal for you, it's the way I'd offer my reassurance face to face. I'd ask you if you have ever in your life changed your nature or at least your behavior. May I speculate that your answer, maybe after some soul-searching, would be "yes", since you do strike me as a kind of person who's done that. Then I'd say that what you're capable of, other humans are capable of as well. Whether they want to take on that challenge or not, and how hard it can be, that's an entirely different question...
And if you answered "no", then maybe it was time to try it and find out for yourself .
Hugs!

docgatorb

Thanks, bluestripes, your words are welcomed. Your encouraging thoughts are reaffirming.

Crispin

Doc,  If u need proof that humans can, and do, change their lives in powerful ways, attend some AA or NA meetings. Not only do they quit using alcohol and drugs but they implement steps to recovery from personality disorders. 
One of the hard facts is that there is zero growth while abusing substances.
While it does work for hundreds of thousands most alkies and addicts die without reaching recovery.