Authenticity while being paid

ubergigglefritz

It's pretty common for people to think or say that it can't feel real if money is being exchanged. But it's also common for people to comment on lack of response and/or discrimination from both "professionals" and enthusiasts. I would say most people who sign up on here never end up cuddling anyone. 😞 So I do feel a need for those of us who truly have no discrimination and a true passion for this work to do it more than time would allow if we didn't get paid. So is there anything we can do to convince people there is an authentic care and compassion for the people we see, even though there is money exchanged? Just curious people's thoughts 😊

Sheena123

I’ve spent countless hours just messaging and talking with a lot of people on this site that are absolutely lonely and even if there’s no possibility that they will even book with me, I try to let them know that there are still caring people out there. I may charge for my time to be with you physically but if you are in a bad state and just need to know someone is out there willing to hear you out, I care 💙

respectful

@ubergigglefritz "is there anything we can do to convince people there is an authentic care and compassion for the people we see, even though there is money exchanged?"

Some thoughts on this area ...

For me there is no contradiction between being a paid cuddler and genuinely caring about those you cuddle. Sometimes there have been statements on the general forum saying that it can't be genuine if it's paid. That doesn't make sense to me -- if someone enters a caring profession, then they are more likely to be a caring person.

The main conclusion I've come to is that the most authentic and caring professionals are already like that. It makes me wonder how on earth they became such loving, giving people, and stayed that way in the face of everything life must have thrown at them. I'm not really sure it's something that can be taught either; one person I cuddled had been through a course with all the right kind of ideas from the sound of it, but didn't come across as particularly caring (though I gave it a few tries just to see).

To try and answer the question, a professional I've cuddled at least 10 times has lots of little things that show she is genuine: she picked up on the fact that words as well as touch are my "love language", so she says lovely affirming things; she looks forward to our time together as much as I do; we talk about our lives in a very real way; we can be playful together; and lots more.

The question made me think of the end of this post:

Be as authentic as you can. I believe that many or most (I'd like to think all!) cuddle providers genuinely care about their clients, even clients they have just met. There are many people in this world with good hearts who are eager to give love in a safe context. At the same time, I think it's common for a provider to put on a "persona" to try to enhance the experience, and also create a bit of distance. The provider may also be reluctant to share at a personal level, in order to keep things "professional," given the nature of the intimacy that's going on.

That's ok, but I encourage you to think about whether this distance or detachment is really necessary to keep things professional, and whether any acting is really required to provide an experience of feeling nurtured and cared about, if that's already how you feel. Believe me, if you can simply be authentic while giving love and enforcing the container, that is the biggest gift you can give. I don't think I'm saying anything too new, but maybe it's a useful thing to think about. Some people might object to my using the word "love" in this context, but that's how I think about it.

@Sheena123 Wow, that's really lovely of you. (I know not everyone would have time to chat with many people here though).

ubergigglefritz

@Sheena123 I have done the same in the past as well, and will generally still, but even that isn't necessarily an indicator of authenticity. I know lots of great professionals around the country who give time away free minimally, simply because they're too busy. Part of our work is teaching about boundaries, and I know I have learned a lot about this in my own life through working in this field. We have to take care of ourselves, so we can best care for others, and sometimes that involves saying "no" (another skill I help some of my clients learn, ha). I also find I am much more willing to give when it's my idea. When someone assumes and requests my time for free, I don't feel my consent was offered or given, and sometimes I can feel not valued or appreciated by those actions. But at the same time, I am currently offering an effective rebate to all my clients who have supported me through my previous trips which had very high trip fees. I am much more giving and appreciative when I feel they also appreciate and respect me.

@respectful I appreciate your time in responding. I'll have to check out that post more thoroughly... I kept it open in another tab 😊 Unfortunately, there are lots of people floating around in this professional world who don't really care and just want the "easy" money 😞 Hopefully the proportion in that category is getting smaller... I hate hearing those stories. I hope for people seeking to have enough options in their area so they can find one who really cares. One day...

hertouch

lolllll

Your preacher gets paid.
Your yoga teacher gets paid.
The first grade teacher gets paid.
The priests gets paid.
The dentist gets paid.
The doctor gets paid?

Sooooo are they not authentic...

JasonCuddles

I am likely in the minority but I cannot get a paid massage for the same reason I could not do a paid cuddle. It is incredibly important to me that people do not experience touch with me in a negative way. The moment I have some sort of coercive force such as money then it opens up the posibility that they’re not feeling good but doing it anyways out of obligation, desire for the money, or some other reason. I can’t let that go.

I do understand that there will always be some baseline risk of this being the case but I try to minimise the risk with good communication. I have to accept that I cannot completely eliminate all risk otherwise I cannot live my life well, but I can reduce it by as much as my skills allow.

BoomerSpooner

I do not think this is an issue that can be argued for one side or the other through logic or appeals to reason. While @hertouch had a wonderfully simple but effective argument grounded in logic and fact, you can see by @JasonCuddles reasons in his post that this is a particularly specific issue to each individual. And I can see his side clearly—if cuddling is an intimate yet essential act, then it stands to reason that it should be perceived as pure and unfettered from external trappings as money or purchased obligation. If tainted by money it can make you feel soiled or ashamed that you have to pay for what many people receive freely with love. It is a conflict of the emotions for the recipient that no pro through words or reason can resolve if the prospective client is repulsed, ashamed or feels otherwise negatively about paying to cuddle. Neither side is wrong; it just is what it is. Feelings are not something to be easily dissected and changed.

With that being said, I Cuddle both pros and enthusiasts and it is reflected in my karma. I use pros for two simple but vital reasons—convenience and prevention. I travel a ton for work like a few others on this site and finding and developing a workable cuddling relationship with an enthusiast can be tricky when you come to a city for a couple of days every so often. So a pro is easily scheduled. I will be honest—I prefer an enthusiast because most enthusiasts are not constraining their time. If they like you enthusiasts will stay for hours or overnight and both sides must be mutually agreeable to it. I know there is no alarm going off in two hours. But, lacking that, I will hire a pro that seems the least concerned about the money. So convenience is definitely one component for me hiring a pro.

The other reason I mentioned is prevention. I hire a pro for this reason when lacking an available enthusiast because traveling can be isolating. Everything about travel—the planes, hotels and restaurants—becomes homogenous, rote and when left to fester, illuminates a loneliness that appears slowly and can over time transform into acute depression. I feel cuddling, paid or not, prevents depression and loneliness from happening to me. But that is my story and my feelings and I fully understand why it would be different for someone else.

ubergigglefritz

I wouldn't say this is something most people receive for free. Loneliness and isolation, lack of connection, are grossly common feelings. The fact that we don't talk about this only increases that feeling of being alone. People are ashamed about something that so many people in our society feel. You aren't alone though, even of it feels that way.

The fact that some people have to pay someone to feel accepted and safe is more of a shitty testimony to our world than it says anything about that person. You even see it on here, a place that should be about acceptance. People treat others like trash and unfeeling creatures way more often than we should. There is nothing wrong about you for needing this. There is something wrong with the people around you 😞

It is a sad and terrible thing that kind and accepting people are so uncommon that it is a commodity (but be cautious, because not all "professionals" are like this). But I am here, and travel to virtually anyone (currently heading to Kentucky), if you choose that path...

I also see people who just enjoy it, people who are seeking therapeutic healing, need practice in consent and boundaries, or many other reasons. Lots of reasons to see a professional.

plantqueen

Thank you, @hertouch !

@JasonCuddles I totally understand where you are coming from and that's valid. I do want to point out that you have probably seen a dentist or doctor in your lifetime, so I am not so sure why that is different.

cuddlerforu24

@hertouch ... the priest gets paid that’s an understatement. Our parish priests not only get paid , they get a car ,....a place to live , a maid cleans and a cook prepares them meals .
Then they get a paid vacation , and where they go and what they do is a mystery

hugonehugall

@babestorm I see your point in that all those professions listed above and including cuddlers SHOULD have authentic desire to do those jobs but the fact of the matter is they are still jobs and they get burnt out like the rest of us and there are days ( and I'm sure they would admit it if you injected them with truth serum ) that they feel like they wouldn't do it if they weren't getting paid even if it is a service that helps people.
Similar to pro athletes , musicians and actors who do what they do not because they love it but quite frankly they're good at it. Some cuddlers also feel that way " I don't love doing this but apparently Im good enough at this that people are willing to pay me money for it " . I can separate the service aspect from the personal aspect of it and say to myself as long as I feel better after the session than I did before I try not worry myself and over think if the pro was doing this because of her heart or her wallet ... But again that's just me.

Sheena123

I’d like to look at it in the same perspective as a musician or a photographer. They are pretty similar to my professional cuddling. They absolutely love doing what they do (as do I) but they have so many people asking for pro bono work or freebies and they are told “Well, if you love it so much, you should do it for free and for more experience”. It’s a rude thing to ask them. This is their job even though they love it so much. Just because we adore our job, it should never be assumed that that desire should justify doing it for free. I hope that made sense 😕

Melancholy

Its really not the same thing as professional work like being a musician or photographer or even a massage therapist. I'm not sure why people keep comparing professional cuddling to those things. The reason its not remotely the same is that those things are very one-directional. meaning, a massage therapist is giving you a massage....not the other way around. But a cuddler, is also getting cuddles from you at the same time...unless she/he really doesn't like cuddling...then I can see it as being purely one directional where there is someone receiving something and someone giving something....but I think in most cases both parties are benefitting from the cuddling, only one is paying.... They are doing something they would be doing anyways, but because they can get guys to pay for it they charge a fee. Many girls have even told me that they see it that way...they say they would love to get paid doing something they would do anyways like that that one cuddle enthusiast I cuddled with who suddenly wanted to charge me for doing something she wanted to do for free until she found out she could get paid for her time....

Funny how opinions vary.

Some believe pro-cuddlers are like doctors and masseusses while others compare it to the world's oldest profession.

It's impossible for everyone to agree but I'm leaning towards @melancholy

Gangsta leeeeeean.

Sheena123

I’m only comparing it in the way we get paid to do something we love. Musicians and photographers love what they do. So do I. Whether it’s something people want to admit or not, professional cuddling is an actual job. An enjoyable one, but a job nonetheless. I’m sure it’s frustrating trying to find an enthusiast, but if you find them, good for you. ☺️

baseball87

You can't compare cuddling to being a photographer or musician. Being a professional photographer or musician requires many years of experience to get paid for your work.

ANYBODY can be a professional cuddler.

ubergigglefritz

Um, anyone can be a photographer or musician as well. I consider myself a photographer and musician (I sing). In both cases though, not just anyone can be a GOOD one... 😉 A significant difference is that since cuddlers are so difficult to find in some areas, it doesn't always take skill to actually find paid work and to be "successful"... This is why I can find work in so many areas traveling to people in my RV. Most places I go, there are no other legitimate professionals currently. There may be options, but different, depending on what type of professional the person is looking for 😕

ubergigglefritz

@melancholy I love cuddling, but a session for a client is an entirely different experience than receiving a cuddle. I'm sure there are lots of professionals where that is not the case. I have even heard plenty of stories where the client actually felt like they were the one providing the service. A lot of "professionals" are people who need the service themselves, treat the session like their own therapy session, and that's not a fair arrangement at all 😕 I may enjoy my sessions with clients, I love this work, but the time is not about me, my needs, or my wants. I have people I cuddle to meet my own needs. Sessions are focused on the paying client 😊

Catloaf

@ubergigglefritz

Um, anyone can be a photographer or musician as well.

Do preach! This is what I was going to say... but I gave it a rest, there's a couple threads and a PM going on at the moment. Glad to see your words on the forum again.

ubergigglefritz

@Catloaf 💜😊

baseball87

@ubergigglefritz

Some people go to college to be a photographer or musician and it can takes to make money at it. And even then, you will be lucky to get paid.

To be a cuddler you need zero experience, talent, etc. Do you understand what I'm saying now?

Anybody that sings isn't a musician and anybody that takes photographs isn't a photographer. You have to be skilled at both professions to be called a musician or photographer.

BoomerSpooner

@baseball87 Why did you get banned with your first profile a few months ago?

baseball87

@FunCartel Not sure what you're talking about.

ubergigglefritz

You think at the beginning of those industries they had college classes and education to be called a professional? The cuddling industry is in its infancy. You can't expect there to be the level of steps to being a professional as careers which have been around for as long as photography.

There is educational opportunity in cuddling, but it is not regulated or common yet.

Same as photography or music, cuddling takes a combination of natural talent and education. Education doesn't prove skill or quality, but it can show dedication and increase skills and tools. But good professionals can be found without the education as well. The industry is so new that everything is still being figured out and developed...

baseball87

@ubergigglefritz So you're saying people are going to spend thousands of dollars to go to college to take classes in cuddling. LOL

Being a cuddler is not a career. Please stop being silly. You can't put it on your résumé.

BoomerSpooner

@baseball87 That is a you know what I am talking about but you are going to play dumb.

baseball87

@FunCartel Why are you trolling my posts and why don't you have anything intelligent to say? Please stop spamming my posts because I am not going to respond to you anymore.

BoomerSpooner

Don’t worry, you have been reported.

baseball87

Reported for what? LOL I am just stating my opinions and didn't do anything wrong. Sorry you have such thin skin and aren't intelligent enough to make valid points instead of just trolling.

ubergigglefritz

@baseball87 People said the same thing about massage before it was a thing. After all, anyone can give a back rub... Then people learned that there is a "massage" from any random person, and then there is a quality massage that maximizes effectiveness for the person's intention and preference. But it's ok that you don't get it yet. Many people don't. Mostly because few people have experienced a quality professional cuddler to compare to 😕

baseball87

@ubergigglefritz Giving a massage is TOTALLY different than cuddling. Giving a back rub is not the same thing as giving a massage. It takes years to become a massage therapist. ANYBODY can cuddle and it doesn't take any experience to cuddle. I have experiences dozens of amazing cuddles and I have given great cuddles too. It doesn't take any experience or expertise.

Again, being a cuddler is not a career. It's just something fun people do on your free time. And if you can make extra money, then even better!