Hi all, I just wanted to take a moment to share how wonderful cuddling has been in my life, and my hopes for the community. I know a lot of people read this forum, all over the world, and there are new comments every day. I know people appreciate success stories and other contributions of positive energy. Below is my cuddling story — I know it's long, but hopefully an interesting read for some — followed by some takeaways for professional cuddlers and this community.
I'm 33, male, and I separated from my wife last year. We have young kids, and while it was a mutual decision, it was still rather sudden, and not easy. I originally started looking into professional cuddling services as a way to meet my needs for affectionate touch without threatening my marriage, but soon my marriage was over anyway.
My first cuddle experience was with an amazing professional, Jamie, with SnuggleSalon, in San Jose. I went to her house, and I was momentarily thrown when her teenage son answered the door. "Mom, he's here," he called over his shoulder. Internally, I decided to just own the fact that I was here to cuddle his mom. Jamie was older than me, and beautiful, and led me into a large front room, which was full of a bed and blankets, crystals, dreamcatchers, and the like. I asked about the fact that the doorway to the room was only covered with a curtain, because I can be sensitive to lack of sound privacy. She explained that her husband and son were going to be mostly hanging out on the back porch, behind a sliding glass door, and I think she offered to have them leave, but I said that was fine. She also had housemates, but they were out.
After the initial awkwardness, our time was unforgettable, as much for the vibe as the cuddles. Having met another professional cuddler or two since then, I appreciate it even more, now, that she did not act reserved or with therapeutic detachment, but was always warm, open, and authentic. She told me she had been cuddling, in one form or another, for at least 10 years, since Yvonne started holding cuddle parties in Santa Clara. In addition to being a "cuddle goddess," she was a massage therapist, and a doula. She was polyamorous and in an open marriage of many years, which I was interested in hearing about, because I was starting to identify as poly myself. She had a serene, always-grounded, never-judgmental way about her.
In our first session, Jamie insisted that we follow cuddle party protocol. We'd practice asking permission before touching, and waiting to receive a verbal "yes." For example, "May I give you a hug?" "Yes." She assured me that she was pretty much going to say "yes" ("be a yes") to anything platonic. Cuddle party guidelines also say that if you are a "maybe" about something, say "no," and that you are encouraged to change your answer (in either direction) at any time.
Practicing this kind of asking and answering was amazing in more ways than I can count. Receiving consent to give someone a back massage, say, is fun — especially someone you've already started to like and appreciate as a person. Asking and hearing "yes... yes... yes..." feels great. It also establishes consent as the basis for cuddling. It's not just two people avoiding sexual contact together, it's two people doing exactly what they both want to do, within the broader cuddle container of platonic touch. Your partner might not want a back rub right now; who knows. They might not like nuzzling faces. Being able to hear "no," and say "no" when you don't want something, is important even in the safest environment. AND, when you are both good at saying "no," it means the "yes" is real. You both know that what you're doing is wanted, and you know it's known that it's wanted. You can also ask for what you want, of course.
I use "asking to touch" in everyday situations, and it's changed how I navigate physical affection. If someone is upset, I'll ask, "Would you like a hug?" Sometimes the response is a look of surprise, followed by, "yes!" I use it with my three-year-old son, when he's feeling a mix of mad and sad and we're trying to get out of a fight and back to good. I ask him if he'd like a hug, and more often than not, the answer is a quiet "Yeah..." (Just thinking about it makes me well up a little, it's so sweet.) I use "asking to touch" on dates. When a date feels mutually comfortable and I find myself wanting to touch, I just ask... and it's actually not that awkward! "May I put my arm around you?" In a restaurant, when we're done eating: "May I sit next to you?" For the record, I'm socially anxious and don't consider myself to have "moves" or be at all smooth or suave, though I am good at reading vibes, and I've been told I am good at putting people at ease. I'm generally a "nice guy" who tries to be as uncreepy as possible. Anyway, on a couple occasions I've "seduced" a woman almost accidentally, just by continuing to ask. "May I put my hand on your leg? May I kiss you?" Conventional wisdom says that, at a certain point, asking instead of just "doing" would be a turn-off, but that hasn't been my experience, as long as there's a vibe of mutual attraction. Being totally willing to hear "no" comes across — as confidence. A woman who doesn't want to be verbally asked, at the right time and in the right tone, is probably not a fit for me, anyway.
I continued to see Jamie several times over the following months. We had a "cuddle picnic" once in a park, to which I wore my PJs on Caltrain, carrying scones and clotted cream. She later said that our cuddle picnic inspired her to go on a "cuddle hike" with another client. We corresponded lightly via email between sessions. In the depths of processing my divorce and trying to remember that women can be kind and nurturing towards me, Jamie was one of my anchors, even when I hadn't seen her in a few weeks or a month. It helped just calling up her energy and remembering her sweet, nonjudgmental way, and the feeling that she genuinely cared about me. I haven't had a session with Jamie in a while now, since finding cuddle friends (which are free), but I consider her a friend. We've both expressed interest in hanging out non-professionally, but we live an hour apart and have busy lives. I'm sure I will see her again, at a cuddle party if nothing else.
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