Screening Cuddle Partners

I would be interested to hear from other female cuddlers about how you screen potential cuddlers to ensure they are actually who they say they are BEFORE you cuddle. And I'd be interested in hearing from male cuddlers about what you would be willing to do to prove you are legit.

I bring this topic to the forum because I had set up a cuddle a few months ago, and two days before we met, there were a few red flags so I asked the guy to "prove" he was who he was. Turns out he had lied to me about his name, where he worked, where he lived, his marriage status AND had sent me a fake photo. Cuddle canceled.

I also more recently had a prospective cuddle tell me he did not disclose his last name, address and/or employer because he was concerned about his privacy due to a stalking incident. I understand that it's an issue for men, as well.

So is it "overthinking" to ask someone to "prove" they are who they say? If no, what would you ask to feel comfortable? If yes, how do you feel comfortable?

NOTE: Please don't comment if you are only going to attempt to be funny or snarky.

«1

Comments

  • edited December 2019

    @2dogmom I’d be willing to do whatever I needed to do, short of my ssn or some such, to prove myself. I’d be happy to FaceTime or talk on the phone or whatever too, but for some reason I’m not allowed to talk on the phone . It’s all gotta be done by text for some reason

  • I'd be happy to meet in public, with no expectations of physical contact, and to keep doing that, until they were happy to do any more.

  • I'd be willing to share my facebook profile and verify via a message on Facebook but not allow you to friend me, I may even want to see your facebook profile.

  • I'm probably on the slow train, but I take my time and rely on intuition for the most part. I chat them up a lot on here and go to tea. If they are in a hurry, they aren't my cuddle. If I pick up any giddyness about my body or whatever, I don't snuggle. If I pick up emotional immaturity, I don't snuggle. If I pick up bossyness or blowing off the things I say or not remembering the things I say (like important stuff) I don't snuggle. If I pick up that they are trying too hard or faking anything I don't snuggle. I want genuine peeps I can easily connect with and I can generally tell that pretty quickly.

    I have a great intuitive resonator in my body (that's what I call it) that can tell what someone is like. If it has any doubts, I don't snuggle. I might start off in a movie theater just to see. I haven't actually asked anyone to prove anything, I just go by what I pick up. I can feel someone in their communication style before I've met them. I imagine phone calls would be useful to. I have to slow down a lot and feel for this all to work. Someone can look like "a great idea" and yet the body has its hackles up. I go with the body.

    However, I'm a neophyte and have snuggled 3 guys, and one of them 3 times. I'm in conversation with some others. I find if I stay in conversation long enough, generally there's something that tells me if they are my kinda person or not. I've been sharpening these skills over a lifetime of working with people though, so they are rather honed. And still, with all humility, shit happens.

    If I see red flags, I don't even bother asking them to prove anything. I'm out.

  • edited December 2019

    I just said this morning , in another thread,, I was contacted by an enthusiast who asked “ why no pic” I said I could send one , and she asked right away . I didn’t respond or block , just let go. I was assuming she just wanted to collect pictures and had no intention of pursuing a cuddling encounter, or , perhaps she just wanted to see a face before engaging in conversation. In that thread , it was posted that this same cuddler was very nice , looks like I missed out on a nice cuddle , because I wouldn’t send a pic right away .

    As far as me giving proof, depends on who’s hosting . I would say it’s overthinking , for the “guest “, male or female, to demand an ID , and other info , from the host , ( excluding a hotel encounter), beforehand .

  • edited December 2019

    I have heard that some people have insisted on seeing an ID, first and last name , work location, social media info etc. Personally I have never asked for anything more than their name however it is not to verify identity . I do realize women are the majority risk taker when it comes to meeting for cuddles however I also am one who values privacy and am very well aware that there are those who would use your personal info maliciously. If I am talking to someone and I feel there is trust and rapport I have no problem volunteering my name , where I work etc as this sort of thing commonly comes up naturally in conversation . However if someone right away starts asking for personal info or starts going through a security checklist I am likely to have reservations .

  • edited December 2019

    A lot of the things we'd do on other sites to stay safe or verify a person can be done here as well. Having a name and a phone number in this day and age can often point you to someone's social media, but there are cases where people remove their social media from search indexes for their own privacy. I've had to do that due to some rather nasty people out there, so I sympathise with other cuddlers who've had to do it as well.

    It's best to start with building rapport via messages, then a phone call. If the person wasn't comfortable with that (some people just don't like giving their phone number out too soon), I suggest a face-to-face video call such as on Skype. If the person is up for it, even better is a meeting in a public space. Though, a video call is usually enough for me to gauge if someone is who they say they are before I even meet them. Someone who's acting sketchy or withholding something might not want to follow through with that. They might arrange and then cancel the call with an excuse that seems BS. Big red flag there if that's happening. Seeing the other person on Skype etc. is the best screening method in my opinion, because it lets you know who to look for when you actually meet up, and you get to interact with them in real time with no real danger involved. Pictures are a good method of screening too, but they are easier to manipulate or lie with, and therefore they're a little less fool-proof.

    I've also been through the fake photo thing with a client, and that was a long time ago before I had my screening methods in place. It's actually the reason I screen now. I didn't ask the guy for a photo, I didn't call him, and I didn't ask for a video call either. Had way too much faith in people because I was "experienced" meeting others online, and I didn't think it was necessary at the time. It turned out this guy was using a semi-professional photo of an obscure Bollywood actor or model, and he got pretty angry with me when I called him out on it (pretty much the moment he opened the door). Had I been smarter, I wouldn't have wasted all that time.

    ■ Ask for a name
    ■ Ask for a phone number
    ■ Ask for a photo
    ■ Ask for a phone call
    ■ Ask for a video call
    ■ Meet up in person
    ■ Always, always, always trust that gut!

    So is it "overthinking" to ask someone to "prove" they are who they say? If no, what would you ask to feel comfortable?

    I don't think it's overthinking to want to be safe and certain of who you're meeting, especially if you've gone through bad experiences, have had your boundaries pushed before, or have had your trust disrespected. I ask all the questions I feel the need to ask in order to feel comfortable, and the person I'll be meeting with should feel free to do the same with me. If marital status is important, ask. If health issues are important, ask. If body type is important, ask. If you don't want me to know your real name, let me know, but give me something about you that's tangible and real so that I can feel safe and certain that I'm not with someone who is potentially dangerous, and hiding their info because of that. If privacy is important, say so! The person who lied to you obviously doesn't know much about online etiquette, sorry you went through that.

  • If they aren't happy to share details with you, check how much they will share details with others. Public places have CCTV, and credit cards leave a digital footprint, which could be checked by the authorities if things go wrong.
    It won't prevent things going wrong, but airlines make sure that passengers fly with their luggage to make sure that anyone who wants to blow up a plane, only does it once, and there are no repeat offenders.

  • @Catloaf thanks for that level of detail and background. In general, I am a fairly trusting person but I realize that delving into the world of internet "meetings" can open one to scammers and unsafe situations. I don't want to push away a cuddle prospect by being "too" demanding but, yes, I need to feel safe. And, yes, I'd rather someone tell me they value privacy than going as far as to send me a fake pic. And, again yes, the big fat faker is the reason I started asking for "proof" of who someone is... either a social media profile, or ID badge from work, or at least a FaceTime before cuddling.

  • I am big on chatting, but if it is everyday with several messages I lose interest. I am not looking for a GF or even a BFF. I am not sending my ID or drivers license. I have not done any of these things and I have been pretty successful finding pros and non-pros alike. Like @pmvines, I value my privacy and identity.

    However, I do think karma is something that comes up regularly. A lot of the people comment on my karma and it seems karma puts them at ease even though I do not think karma is a great barometer for screening someone. But to each her own.

  • @FunCartel you bring up a good point. Like @littermate I like to take my time and chat, however, in general, women are much bigger "chatters" or communicators than men and I've had two different cuddle partners bow out because they said I was too much with the chatting and they thought I wanted more (i.e. to be a BFF or GF) but I didn't--I'm just wordy! lol

  • I think the potential cuddler should look like their picture. There given name should be honest as well. Beyond that it's a platonic cuddle so marital status, where worked, and where living is somewhat irrelevant or intrusive. It could lead to google searches or Facebook searches and become invasive.

    I have vetted by phone, Skype, meeting in a public place like a parking lot or fast food place. So far, so good.

  • @SteveInDurham not being contentious but how does one know the given name is honest if you cannot "check" it against something?

  • Some folks don't give their real name for privacy /security reasons , or at least until they know for certain the person can be trusted and passes the potential axe murderer test . I have met a couple people who have told me after meeting them their actual name , and I didn't feel it was a big deal.

  • I'm willing to send a picture, do a phone call and meet at a public place for an initial meeting before we do anything private at either of our homes. For me this should be plenty to verify WE BOTH are who we say we are and judge from there if we're a good match. I'll show you my ID if we meet but Im not sending you a digital copy of my license nor am I giving you FB or access to any other social media platform Im on or telling you my place of employment. I do have to protect myself as well. Speaking of which why is just up to the men to prove authenticity and we are actually who we are when it has been noted that there are people of both genders using fake pictures , fake profiles , and attempting to scam people. Isn't it reasonable that both parties should make an effort to prove themselves or is only up to the men to do so and we have to accept that the women are who they say they are without question ?

  • edited December 2019

    As far as not knowing for sure whether it's their real name , I really don't have a reason to not believe someone and honestly if it's not their given name and for personal reasons they wish to go my something else it doesn't impact me . Particularly if I don't know any different . They can go by whatever they want for all I care lol so long as they are cool to be around .
    @2dogmom does have a valid point though when it comes to matters of safety. You do want to know identity of the person in case something happens that needs reporting to the authorities .
    And it stands to reason that a person with nothing to hide is likely to be less likely to cause harm . Howeverr I'm personally not concerned with how honest someone is If all we are doing is casually cuddling . Good people still have flaws and more folks are dishonest than you would think.

  • I think message through site, phone call or face time and public meeting are steps basic steps. And your feelings/gut.

  • @hugonehugall

    Speaking of which why is just up to the men to prove authenticity and we are actually who we are when it has been noted that there are people of both genders using fake pictures , fake profiles , and attempting to scam people. Isn't it reasonable that both parties should make an effort to prove themselves or is only up to the men to do so and we have to accept that the women are who they say they are without question?

    I don't feel like anyone here in the thread is implying that only men need to prove their identities. If someone thinks they should be able to ask others to prove themselves without being willing to prove themselves in return, that's an issue with the person, not whether they are man, woman, or other. OP herself said that she's aware men are facing similar issues, and the various complaints of fake profiles etc. we've had in the past reflect that. Safety is not and never will be a gendered or sexed issue, regardless of what the prevailing statistics might be.

  • @Catloaf I agree wholeheartedly with your opinion. I only said what I said because the opening paragraph of the OP original post was asking specifically for females to comment on how they ask men to prove authenticity and what lengths men are willing to go through to do so. I was just responding to her original words. Im positive she values the safety of everyone regardless of gender but like I said it was the specific wording she used that rubbed me the wrong way a little.

  • @hugonehugall I could be wrong, but it seems to me that the question was posed with these details in mind because she'd like to get answers that are relevant to her specific experience. Similar to when a man makes a thread specifically asking for male input on one angle, and female input on another. Input is input at the end of the day. :) Thanks for yours and also for clarifying kindly.

  • I was asked to take a pic of me holding a coffee cup, I assume because some post pic's that are OLDER. I have told people about my Face Book page, so they can look and see I'm real. Another thing to do is ask for there full name as it appears on there drivers license and then Google there full name in parentheses, that way it will only show that full name. If you Google John M. Smith without it, it will hit on every John and every Smith. I have done it several times in my line of work as a boat broker & transporter to look for scams-etc. And I think meeting out in public for coffee-etc is a great idea for anyone. And as some have said, go by your gut feeling, if things don't seem right, walk away, be safe.

  • edited December 2019

    @hugonehugall I apologize if my words were not clear. I absolutely value the safety of all cuddlers regardless of gender. As a woman, I am, however, specifically interested in how other women approach this matter as @Catloaf so nicely noted ... "answers...relevant to my specific experience."

  • @pmvines yes, I want enough info that if I go missing, my safety person can report a name, phone number, last location, etc. to the authorities. You know my judgment is poor since I met you without knowing who you were... lol

  • I sent a pro a pic of my ID one time. I guess I was feeling a little extra faith in humanity that day. Due to a scheduling hurdle I ought to have foreseen, we never met up. (Neither of us host.) She’s still a pro and still on this site, and I haven’t had my identity stolen (to my knowledge). I have heard others say they would not do this, and I agree that position seems prudent.

  • I think we are generally more accepting of people who withhold information, compared to those who tell outright lies ; so if someone doesn't want to give their name, they can admit their "fake" name is a pseudonym, and everything else can be held back. Or, both sides can agree that everything in the conversation is potentially made up, as we might enjoy a novel or movie that is entirely fabricated.
    As some have said, they are only looking for a physical connection, and that means exchanging only enough information to make the event happen.
    That then leads us onto the male : female ratio on the site, which means the females can be more selective. For many males, the fact that their "female" cuddle partner actually turns out to be female, is a welcome surprise.

  • edited December 2019

    “For many males, the fact that their "female" cuddle partner actually turns out to be female, is a welcome surprise.”

    Catfished much @geoff1000?? 😉😆

  • @2dogmom And yet you lived to see another day ;)

  • @hugonehugall:
    I don’t think you’re wrong at all. Someone replied by referencing discussion threads seeking “male input”. But, the reality is that those that do aren’t usually talking about questioning the authenticity of female pros and how to best avoid the clutches of scammers. Largely because it’s just assumed at this site that the women are all above that sort of thing, and the men are possibly predators who need to be super-vetted. Or at the very least, need to be lectured on platonic cuddling etiquette.

  • I have professional cuddler references back in California if they wanted to see any.

  • For me, there's the initial contact/messaging, and then there's the actual face-to-face meeting in a public place. If at any time 1 + 1 does not equal 2 and I'm not comfortable with them, there is no cuddle.

    To me, someone's TRUE name, employment, or relationship status are conversational markers. I can validate their truthfulness and honesty if they've brought those subjects up prior, but I am not going to waste my own time checking them out prior to meeting. I want to keep the focus on us meeting and both deciding to proceed with cuddling... or not. That's my MO...mileage will vary.

    I've met most pros and enthusiasts through here in a restaurant, coffee shop, or hotel lobby. I make sure others are around, and I make sure a waiter, concierge, or host/hostess has seen us together. I have friends that I let know I have meetings/appointments set up and have them text me/text them back at specific times.

    @2dogmom , I think there are a variety of strategies. Not one size fits all. As others have more succinctly stated, always trust your gut.

Sign In or Register to comment.