I once gave a cuddler here my name and work place and i regretted it. She became very clingy and wanted a relationship and I was scared that her mental health was questionable and she might start showing up at my work when i made it clear i was not open to a relationship with her. So i will never again trust someone with such information at the beginning. we can meet in public several times first and if that isn't enough then i guess we won't be cuddling.
As a male, my first priority is my cuddle partners comfort and sense of safety/well-being. I always prefer to meet in public first if at all possible. I'm self employed so sometimes providing work information can be a hassle, however, if I had a 9-5 I don't think I'd be too keen on giving out my work information. There are many other ways to provide adequate vetting. I have a couple of websites for my services so I normally just provide them as they have photos and biographical information.
In any event, I have met with one or two cuddle partners without a public meeting first, but they were both pros with some training e.g., holistic healing backgrounds, and websites with a substantial screening process, so it really wasn't an issue. At the end of the day, just do what you need to do to feel comfortable.
To plagiarise Groucho Marx, "I wouldn't cuddle with anyone who would have someone like me as a partner". The concerns being raised, tell me that I maybe need to up my game ; and recognise that people may need more reassurance than I expect.
I usually chat for months, meet in public and hang out for a couple months before moving onto cuddling. I never ask for ID or last name initially. If we can become friends and move forward, personal information will naturally be revealed. I did have bad experiences hence I am extremely careful. The ones that do not want to invest time or effort to get to know each other but only interested in physical appearance or if I am available right away are not my type.
@angela10 I second that perspective. I also like to take time to know people before I cuddle. I have spent weeks and months messaging and talking to people back and forth to get a feel for their essence and character. I too have made bad judgement calls and have had hurtful near miss physical experiences as a result. I've learnt to trust my gut more and to take the time to get a feel for the sensibility of people. As you said personal information is revealed naturally over time in conversation.
I will also add that one can never be too careful. Even the folks who appear the most friendly , conscious and caring can turn out to be the most disappointing and hurtful. I've experienced that so many times in this community. Time and one's gut sensors are as useful as it gets.
The longer one can spend observing another's way of speaking, pattern of thinking in responses and conversations; public or private and messaging habits,the greater opportunity it gives one to screen and vet someone . Of course, depending on what you are looking for.
@Bles I am so glad you agree with me. Not everyone wants the same things here. It's very hard to find someone who wants the same thing in the same time frame as me. For example, about 2 years ago I have been chatting briefly a few times with someone who's from the mid west but will be in NYC in a month. Our conversations were superficial and brief and he wanted me to commit on cuddling him once he's in town. I told him I didn't know enough about him and was uncomfortable with the idea. He complained that he has already communicated with me more than his Tinder date and lectured me on how this cuddle site is supposed to work. The objective is for people to meet and fulfill your physical cuddle needs not to make friends. Well that wasn't what I was looking for so we stopped communicating.
Right on. The minute anyone starts denying my reality or lecturing me they're out. You can have respect and interest or you can move on. How can someone so focused on themselves possibly be a good cuddle?
Guess what? I'm here too.
@2dogmom You are amazing. So much good information here. I have interacted with scammers. Early on it was harder to tell because as @littermate said some of us are really good with hearing their intuition and some of us are not.
@Sideon has almost EXACTLY my approach. "1 + 1 does not equal 2 and I'm not comfortable with them, there is no cuddle" You NEVER have to cuddle in the first meet and if after 10 minutes of discussion you have alarms going off then you get to honor that. Your instinct is yours alone. You have to learn to trust that.
---Message on here a bit... They want my number right away. I'm out. They don't want to meet in person. I'm out. They start calling me babe and sweetheart right away... I AM OUT! hahahhaha (Of course YOU can call me sweet names) The red flags with scammers are usually those tingling hairs on the back of your neck. Trust that. I'll PM you more about that.
---Meet in public place and tell someone where you're going to be and give a time that you'll check in and text.
---I don't ever give my number out before I meet the person because they can check ALL of your information if they have just a few resources. I would never send a photo id to someone so I don't ask for one from them. There are a lot of crazies out there NO MATTER THEIR GENDER!!!
HOW TO VET A NON-SCAMMER That is a little more challenging sometimes. I agree with so many people on here that until you actually meet up in person for coffee/tea it is difficult to get a feel for the connection and whether or not they would be a good cuddle. Just for the record though.... If they thought I was too chatty I would be OUT!!! hahahhahaha
"Largely because it’s just assumed at this site that the women are all above that sort of thing, and the men are possibly predators who need to be super-vetted. Or at the very least, need to be lectured on platonic cuddling etiquette."
@RTL1970 I don't feel that is true. I know women are NOT above inappropriate grabbing, scamming, stalking, etc. That said, I think we'd all agree that in general that the vast majority of sex crimes/abuse are directed at women. While I don't think all men are predators, or need to be lectured, I've also had many men, even the most appropriate ones, tell me that if they could wrangle a little extra out of a cuddle, they probably would. Not saying I agree or disagree, but just repeating what I've been told by cuddle partners and other cuddlers.
In general, there seems to be a disconnect on this post's commentators that most of the women like to take their time when considering a cuddle partner to chat and learn about someone. Even taking months to do so. Whereas the men think that feels too much like a relationship. So where do we go from here? lol
Honestly, at the end of the day, I want to feel safe and, if someone physically hurts me, I want to have enough info to report them to the authorities. So would a name and phone number suffice for that? And what if the name is fake? That is my main concern because I know of someone who was sexually assaulted during a cuddle.
Can I ask those who start with a non-physical meet ; if you decide you don't want to meet again, when do tell them ? When you decide, at the end, or by a message afterwards ? How about exchanging folded notes, where each person writes "yes" or "no", to be opened later, or would that be weird ?
@geoff1000 I never broach anything regarding yes, no or when to meet again. The whole notion of relationsips and the narratives they present as having a beginning, a middle and an end is mostly stuff we learn through books, film, music etc. I just pay close attention to the direction in which the conversation goes and follow my potential partners lead. I may know some cuddlers for life and never cuddle. At other times the cuddle connection may be instantaneous. Some will formally announce their wishes while others treat every chapter with spontaneity. I am so interested in people that it takes precedence over the obvious.
@geoff1000 It probably doesn’t matter what you say if the answer is going to be no . The other , most likely figuered that out , by your display of body language , conversation . “ I’ll keep in touch “ works
its just a simple video call and showing their driver's license on the camera will do. (can cover the last name)
@cuddlerforu24 "most likely figured that out" I think it is the movie Crocodile Dundee, where the dialogue goes something like : A to B - "Let's do lunch." B to A - "Great,when ?" C to B - "It's just an expression."
If B thinks that A is going to contact them again, but doesn't, B will feel ghosted ; even if A thinks B ought to have understood that they were just being pleasant. B's optimism and / or social inexperience, may lead them to the wrong conclusion ; and / or give a mistaken impression to A, of the understanding they have reached.
@geoff1000 "How about exchanging folded notes, where each person writes "yes" or "no", to be opened later, or would that be weird ?"
Would you like to cuddle with me? Check yes or no.
lol.... right back to elementary school... isn't it sad 7-year-olds have less drama and are more direct than adults?!?!
With enthusiasts, I like to meet face-to-face for coffee before any cuddling takes place. It allows us to verify each other get a feel for each other as well.
I also--for my safety--don't give my full name. I usually give them my nickname or my last name (both of which pass as a first name.). This worked in my favour recently with a very persistent cuddler who started showing up at my house at odd times of the night. I also never, ever meet and cuddle the same day unless it's with a professional. I'll never make that mistake again.
One thing I suggest so that we all know that who we're cuddling with is real, is using the power of karma. To create a safer, close knit community, enthusiasts and pros alike should leave karma. This can act as a reference coming from pros to enthusiasts.
Always trust your gut instincts! Red flags are often so prevalent and I think sometimes we tend to ignore them or question ourselves due to maybe anxiety or wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt but even when approaching someone who gives ya one red flag but is pretty good all else around, be prepared!
I have no issue if someone doesn't want to give their real name. I don't give mine sometimes. I try to respect their privacy as much as I would want mine respected. Besides there could be several valid reasons one would create an " alter ego " on here for lack of a better term. 1. Safety reasons of course or maybe they used their real name before and issues with another cuddler by doing so. 2. Professional / Career reasons , maybe because of their line of work they can't risk their real name potentially floating about in the cuddling community. 3. Maybe for whatever reason they just think its fun to have a cuddling community persona / identity different from their real one. Which again I have no issue with as long as they're not using it to hurt people.
Also be careful with your user name. A good google sleuth can find you if your first name is in your username and it's a bit unusual.
@littermate Too late,, I've already found a Lisa Ittermate, living in Greenland. You should be more careful. 😀
@geoff1000 I saw that movie but don’t remember that scene . If you get a chance watch “ Play misty for me” , with Clint Eastwood
@cuddlerforu24 Ah yes, the one before Glenn Close added "bunny boiler" to the dictionary. Good scene where the guys are playing the game at the bar, then when the woman accepts the offer of a drink, the game suddenly ends.
@2dogmom I cuddled with my first pro on CC after a brief online interchange, followed by a brief phone call then meeting at a coffee shop. We cuddled for 4 hours. We did not know each other's real names or any other personal information except she knew my address when she arrived. Another pro came straight to my house following a brief online chat and phone conversation. No personal information exchanged. Subsequent cuddle sessions with pros new to me began in public places following brief online conversations. No personal information exchanged. In New York, two pro cuddlers came straight to my hotel after brief online conversations. No personal information exchanged. So far I have had very easy transactions, (from the ones who have responded to my requests. That is definitely the hard part). I imagine that if I had to work too hard to arrange a session it would spoil my mood and I'd completely lose interest in cuddling with her anyways.
@angela10 thank you for sharing your point of view. It helps us to understand that not everyone can cuddle following just a brief conversation and that we need to come from a position of patience and understanding to accommodate some in something that is an intimate interaction.
@calineur it is such an interesting thing.... the difference between cuddling pro and enthusiast. BOTH are extremely beneficial and a perfect diversion from everyday life.
NON-PRO here..... I have noticed a slight trend within the female gender on here. Age seems to play a big role. The 20 somethings appear to have more ability to freely be able to connect in a quick fashion. As I am SUPER OLD I am with @angela10 on this one a little bit. I really enjoy the "getting to know you a bit" part of things. I do think it also depends on the TYPES of connections people want to make. I have more of a desire to connect to the person and not just the touch. (Even if its in a fairly generic and semi-distant kind of way.) I have chatted back and forth with people on here for a long time and didn't have a chance to meet them until much later. I think it makes a big difference what you are looking for. The PRO route creates a lovely ability to have a quick, fulfilling and hopefully painless connection (It feels almost like scheduling a therapeutic massage!) but for the enthusiast it seems to be consistently more about the discussion before. It was extremely kind of you to thank her for sharing her view. We all seem to have the chance to learn something new here everyday!!!
so many replies to this,i think the asking for contact and meeting in person in a public place for a chat is pretty good
I like to text a little then have a phone call or video call. You can’t fake a video call. So much of communication is lost in text messages, so I’m not a fan of that. Just look at all the fighting online from people misinterpreting each other.
Meet in public where other people are around, like a fast food restaurant, or at a cuddle party first. If there are security video cameras around that is even better. If the vibe is right then a private get together is possible. It is also a good idea to tell a friend where you are going and who you are meeting. As an extra precaution you can have a friend come along, or at least check in with you at a predetermined time by phone call.
One time I got as far as finishing a video call and was about to arrange a meeting via text. When I insisted that we meet at a public place the woman ghosted me. So I figure I dodged a bullet on that one.
@MrPaul In the movie "Aliens", Ellen Ripley asks Bishop the android to come with her, and he immediately does so ; then she tells him to instead carry on with the work he is doing. Bishop is naturally confused by the sudden change of mind, but Ellen was merely checking that he would do as she told him.
Asking for a public meet was a good idea ; especially if it has the option of a short journey to a private meet, such as a café next to a hotel where you are staying.
Anyone who insists that the first meeting is private ( either with them as guest, or as host ) must be suspect. I've suggested pros could offer a half-price no-contact meet, and that could also be public ; although they might want the option to say effectively that the interviewee has passed the test and is hired, so the rest of the session can be private. They could easily check their phone and say, "That was my flatmate, texting to say she is off out to the movies, so we can continue at my place if you like".
Catching up... I agree with @sillysassy that there is a difference in approach from women depending on age and also whether you are a pro or enthusiast. I pretty much am the same in that I like to "get to know" the person a little, chat a while, even in a casual way. I will say, however, this thread has opened my eyes to being a little less "strict" with my vetting. I suppose it just takes one bad experience to taint your opinion, but it has been a reminder that those experiences are few and farther between than the good ones.