What you say invites others to scrutinize your character and intentions while judging you with a hammer of disdain and distrust. All at the same instance without knowing anything about you. If ever even caring to know anything about you. This may be 2020 but the more I read and listen to comments made in the cuddle community in general. The more I feel a throwback to the days of the Salem witch hunts. It's real enlightening to feel essences of past centuries in the the third decade of the 21 st century. It's very eerie.
@Bles Your analogy with witch hunts reminds me of a friend who often said, "When you point one finger at someone else, you are pointing 3 fingers back at yourself".
Whenever someone expresses anything, some people become drawn in while others feel pushed away. The same is true for scenes. Scenes are becoming less and less important for the simple reason that people have a wider variety of cultural experiences than ever before. For example gay districts. Where’d they go? The LGBTQ scene is now mainstream. They no longer really need their own geographical location to survive. Scenes are becoming nostalgic. I can hardly wait for this to happen with cuddle culture.
I have a cuddle booked with a friend that I have always loathed. I run when I see her. Every time she opens her mouth my invisible eyes roll in total yawny boredom. I had not seen her in about 6 months. She was wearing this extremely cuddly sweater. I’m going to find out where she got that thing. I made a beeline to her and what ensued was a 5-minute public cuddle in a restaurant. Rules have been set and discussed at length via txt. OMG. I think I have found the perfect cuddle buddy.
Rumi would approve @PeopleLikeUs.
@PeopleLikeUs I bought a cuddly sweater for someone, which was really a gift for myself. Guys. Don't wait until potential cuddle partners decide to get one, be proactive. 😀 Victoria's Secret should have a section for cuddle clothing.
Every "cultural experience" is driven by the uniqueness of the participants, individually or collectively. There will always be need for "scenes" as long as one group or another's human experience remains invalidated and muted. Completely inaccessible to the understanding and appreciation of the many in the collective.
It's just that each century brings it's own version of the "scenes" that allow others invalidated and muted experiences to find and create their own relational comfort zone and meaningfully connective contributions. Not because it isn't defined as one thing or another doesn't mean it doesn't exist or isn't still current as a lived thing among many. Many whose backgrounds and experiences are still not relatable to or as valid enough for "mainstream" culture to understand and appreciate as such.
Again to each his own. Valid or not
I'm learning how to use southern hyperbole to manage stress and difficult situations. It's a kind of decompression that involves seeing the worst possible outcome while doing what is necessary to get the job done or just keep going.
When it comes to the cuddling world I'm learning to use southern hyperbole to ride through the waves of different complex emotions I feel with different people and experiences. While trying on different approaches .
To be human is a mix of biology and circumstance. It doesn't matter what you are inside or how you feel. You are what you project for others to perceive. You remain whatever that projection is until the day you die. At least in their eyes.
It doesn't matter your intent. It doesn't matter your attitude. It doesn't matter whether you remain alive or dead. You remain whatever you're psychoanalysed to be. Whatever someone's gut tells them you are or look like. That's exactly what you are. Never anything more. Perhaps far less.
And then some.
Where does that leave you?
A hapless pariah. Living in solitary confinement. You talk to yourself even when speaking to others. Your voice is no longer audible. No one ever heard you. No one sees you. You're talking to someone when someone steps right in front of you and starts talking. Like you're not visible. Like you don't exist. You sit in a room with a co-worker or a neighbor. Just the two of you talking. Someone enters the room and greets your company by name and begins talking up a storm with that person with his or her back turned to you. And just keeps talking.
The hapless pariah is invisible and eventually becomes ahuman. He numbs his feelings and tells himself they don't matter. So they don't need to exist. He smiles and walks away. And learns that to have expectations is to invite unnecessary pain. So he stops having them. Each moment is seen for what it is. Nothing truly matters except that he breathes and keeps moving. And feels nothing. At least he tries to.
And each day the cycle of invisibility, of invalidation, of self muting repeats itself. He learns ever new ways to live and let live. Because to be seen is absolutely not an option. There is comfort in being invisible. No one expects anything. You feel nothing. Eventually you feel nothing. And an empty, abysmal void opens in your gut so deep you could bury yourself in it.
The one solid quality that makes life livable for the hapless pariah is his mental strength. The ability to create his own zone and sanctuary out of aloneness and isolation. To see the good intent in others they don't care to see in him. Because to them he has no value. To appreciate others as they are from his invisible stoop. And just live. Just take each new day as another adventure on his life journey. And just be.
To be a fully functioning and responsible adult also involves acknowledging others and their point of view as you disagree with them. It also includes being honest and direct when communicating with others .
It's lots of mental work to summarize a person's arguments or sentiments and reflect it back to them. That is to acknowledge their premise (s) and sentiment (s). Then get to the business of counter pointing sentence to paragraph with our own.
Most of us are too impatient and triggered to react on the instant by pasting the person's arguments in view and rebutting each with clinical precision. Half the time missing the essence and spirit of the person's thoughts. Even if what we offer maybe enlightening and different. The fact is we missed a nuance in a person's perspective or argument that is critical to understanding what the person actually said. Not just what we took from what was said .
Only in 2020 that doesn't matter.
The frontal lobe of the cerebral cortex is used like a Glock or Tech 9 to fire on a rapid a cogent concise and so-called intelligent response. The magazine of choice is to extract from what the person said to authenticate and validate the shots of rebuttal being fired. The faster and more precise the more effective the impact.
What matters is how intelligent I am perceived and feel. How superior my thoughts seem to land and resonate with the deepest of interpretation and meaning to those too overwhelmed and or shamed to be bothered. Those equally triggered just simply reciprocate the exchange. The cycle continues and the competition to see who can engage with the fastest neural responses ensue.
While amidst all this neural reflex the ability to actually acknowledge another's point of view with thoughtful summary gets lost. Egos get silently bruised. People repeat platitudes of respectful agreement to disagree. And it all means nothing. Because we really don't see each other nor our thoughts. Except of course they're our very own.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging and disagreeing. It's just very difficult to do consistently.
Another one of adulthood's courtesies is respectful honesty. When communicating with anyone over a period of time, it's helpful to be direct about one's intentions. If at some point you feel unable to continue making contact with that person just say so. It doesn't matter the reason. No explanation is even necessary. But if others are investing time out if a given day of activity to interact over time with you. And you no longer wish to continue that activity. It never hurts to just say so. Especially if the person values communication in principle. The person is balanced in mind and spirit enough to accept your choice and respect your wishes. It's only human courtesy to just say the four magic words: I'm no longer interested. That's it.
Sometimes our fears drive us more than our care. And just simply ignoring, being silent with no response or ghosting become easier more convenient options. To each his own choice.
Adulting is hard work. It's consistency with mindful attention to personal attitudes and actions. None of us is good at it. But it never hurts to try. It hurts others more to take the emotionally cheap and easy way out. But it never hurts to try. You just might learn something new.
People are only as genuine and receptive as they feel seen and heard.
@Bles Anyone who has used a pre-cellphone radio such as CB, should know how necessary it is to hand over at times, so the other person can talk.
I think it is the movie Skyfall, where the head of MI5 is being grilled at an enquiry by several members of a panel. Eventually one of the silent panel members suggests to them, "Perhaps, just for the sake of variety, we could hear what the witness has to say".
I learned that you should keep your debit card in an RFID blocking wallet or bag. My daughter had her bank account cleared out.
I'm continuosly learning more about words and phrases that are codes persons use to communicate their intentions without directly stating them.
No worries : very often means not to worry. It's all good but I'm not sure I want to be bothered with you anymore. Following that phrase with often reduced communication and /or radio silence permanently.
There must be females out there who can offer better connection: often means I hear you but I'm not satisfied with the communication I'm having with you now. And am therefore losing interest. I'm exploring my options as we speak
I have a crazy busy week. I'm not sure I have any free time to talk anymore: I've lost interest and don't feel it's worth my limited time anymore to talk to you. So I'll use my busyness as a pragmatic excuse to nicely blow you off. That gives me the out I need to walk away permanently without explanation.
I have you in my thoughts today but I haven't had a chance to touch base with you: yes I'm busy but I don't want you to think I'm forgetting you. Even though I don't want too frequent contact with you I still want to keep you around as another thing to explore when I'm short on contact or just want an extra unnecessary ear to listen to me talk.
Good morning. How have you been?: When you're not sure where you stand with this person but want to reach out to gauge the person's interest. In order to decide if you want to continue contact. You may be on the verge of losing interest or checking out permanently as in ghosting. But you want to see where the person is before you ghost or do anything else.
It truly amazes me how differently people use language in ways that subtly communicate their unspoken sentiments. We often miss them because we're often too caught up in our own feelings to notice. These are often red flags that indicate where a person's mindset is. Not always. But depending on the context and the individuals involved it's often a clue to what you're not paying attention to. Very rarely to never do human beings speak their minds when it comes to their true intentions. So we're only left to assume based on clues gleaned from subtle behaviors: verbal and nonverbal.
The sad truth is many married folks in this community do not share their cuddling activity with their spouses or significant others. It's not even a conversation many of them can possibly hope to have without causing irreversible, irreconcilable problems in their relationship.
It's far cheaper to the heart and pocket to silently handle one's cuddling needs in private than share them with an often comfortable and complacent spouse. Many of whom can't get past the idea as a mere ludicrous one in the context of physical need. Especially when involved in a long term relationship such as marriage.
That's just the hard cold reality.
Another side of this reality is the secretiveness of it. It's still very much taboo in the society. So many folks are very selective in who they choose as cuddle partners. When they choose to cuddle as in days and times. As well as where they choose to cuddle. And how they communicate with a cuddle partner when choosing to cuddle. Hence, many can afford to secretly cuddle without their spouses or sos never knowing about it. It's a lot of anticipation and planning ahead that goes into it. Many people learn out of necessity how to handle it successfully. That's with out ever getting caught.
I wouldn't even know where to start that conversation. Luckily (!!) we already have irreconcilable problems. Neither of us cheated, she just decided it was over and moved out, so the question of extra-marital cuddling should never arise.
I have learned that a kettle boils faster when it is plugged in.
In my defence, if I were properly awake, I wouldn't be needing the tea.
Why does ghosting matter so much to people on the receiving end?
Maybe there's just too much investment of emotion in something that is unreal, surreal or just unsustainable.
Maybe the desire to connect is less than the fear to detach. Especially if one has a scarcity mindset.
Maybe one's need for connection is greater than what a cuddle interaction can provide.
Maybe the boundaries of communication were never clear to begin with and missteps unintentional and unknown were made. Creating I'll feelings and bruised egos.
So many maybes. Who knows what the truth is. And does it really matter for closure? Does one need closure from ghosting? Or simply a another possibly more grounded connection to open one's mind to the boundless opportunities to meet others who might end up being a better more meaningful and richer connection. Who knows?
It really isn't worth one's energy to figure out a behavior that isn't your choice to begin with. Life goes on. May as well live it like it's the last!
I wonder how many people regret missing a flight, which then crashed. Being ghosted is a sign that it wouldn't have worked anyway.
I'm told that many miscarriages are caused by the mother's body saying, "This isn't really working, can we start again ?" A good card player knows when they have a hand that won't win ; the question we should ask when ghosted is, "Why didn't I see that coming ?" The answer probably is that the other person hid their feelings too well.
Being on this site has taught me a few things about visual orientation. And in learning these lessons I've indulged myself in a social experimentation of sorts.
When I first joined CC I had both my picture and ethnicity up. I was all ears and heart open to being completely vulnerable. To putting my self out there. And embrace whatever comes.
After the first month I got deluged with messages and requests for more pictures. I'm very picture averse. I don't take pictures. I rarely take selfies. So I felt overwhelmed with the requests. Especially after I was making the effort to dress and pamper myself to take tastefully attractive pictures of myself only to be ghosted and cancelled on afterwards. I was pissed off. I felt my efforts invalidated. I wasn't getting the connection I was looking for. No cuddles. No decent, enriching conversation.
And for all the efforts at responding to all my messages and numerous requests for more pictures I felt used up and frustrated.
So out of my dissatisfaction I reengineered my profile. I decided to delete all my pictures and later exclude picture exchanges with anyone. In addition, I chose not to disclose my ethnicity.
From the above mentioned experience I learnt that pictures are a convenient medium of physical objectification of a person. The visual focus on what I looked like diminished the desire for real thoughtful conversation outside of greetings and mundane topics.
By eliminating the option pictures and picture exchanges, I screened out the purely visual. Those folks who responded either just want to meet and Cuddle regardless. Or they really want meaningful conversation and connection.
But it didn't stop some from objectifying me through visualization from my words and descriptions. Yet it did lead to very thoughtful in depth conversations on a range of topics. And it certainly did lead to a few amazing cuddles too. As well as some uneasy ghostings and cancellations and one and done cuddle sessions. So it's been a mixed bag.
Still by making picture exchange a boundary gave me the freedom to just be my self as I am. I still protect my safety with phone conversations, text messsages and video chats before I meet with someone. Sometimes meeting in a public place first before I set up a potential cuddle. One can never be too safe with anyone, anywhere.
But it has also made me appreciate the transactional nature of the cuddle experience in a relational way. That is, I can talk with people for weeks and months via email or text and not expect to ever meet them. Yet still appreciate the connection I have with them via conversation. And pretty often I end up not meeting with them for a cuddle. The connection sometimes also ends. And I feel quite fine. It's okay. I simply move on to the next potential.
Others I've chosen to maintain social contact with on their terms. So whenever they feel like communicating or can communicate based on their life schedules I communicate. Otherwise I find others to communicate and interact with. Sometimes randomly meeting to just lunch or cuddle with them. Depending of course on the vibe I feel.
So I've learned to appreciate the cuddle experience on a vast and ever changing spectrum. Great riveting conversation here and there. An amazing, relaxing cuddle now and then. And a social call for brunch or coffee if the vibe calls for it. Or a regular once a month overnight session with a regular partner. No one size fits all situations or all people. So I'm learning different ways of customizing my cuddle experience without the option of picture exchanges. My goal is not just to cuddle. It's to engage folks and learn to build new muscle fibers in communication and interaction with others. And hopefully to grow in to a more emotionally intelligent human being. In fact I no longer care whether or not I meet anyone to cuddle. It's great either way.
And I'm still open to being vulnerable, with the right kind of like minded people who respect my boundaries and value the time I share with them by reciprocating in turn.
@Bles There's a music competition called "The Voice" where the judges sit with their backs to the contestants, specifically so that their appearance can't influence the decision.
I have only a vague mental picture of what you look like, your written words are what matters.
When all of the probing intellectualizing thoughts are made on one's sexual and gender orientation. At the core of it all is personal choice. Regardless of how one signifies to identify. Regardless of how one's signifying is received. Or how or whether or not it's acceptable by or acceptable to the environment in which one lives.
It's still one's personal choice. Not personal choice to be held as a new or other standard by which every one is potentially judged. Just a personal choice that one is free to make sans conditions or judgement. A personal choice that serves to express oneself as one is in respect of where one is and what one is comfortable with.
A huge part of gender orientation is the degree of comfort one feels with and within one's assigned gender: physical apparatus and identity. The body one finds oneself in vis a vis the roles one feels comfortable identifying with associated with a particular body or body part.
Having worked with and lived among transgendered and transsexual persons for years, the one pet peeve they often have is to be treated with the respect and understanding as any other regular human being. They do not want my pity. They do not want my empathy. They sometimes did not even care for my understanding. But they certainly appreciated being shown human respect. It's a very personal subjective experience as unique as the individuals themselves. No two trans experience is alike.
In many cases, it's also a biological choice that's been made for some. Whether in the DNA composition of their gene cells or the chemical distribution of their pituitary hormones.
And very often it's a long arduous journey to make that transition to self acceptance. Hence " trans". It's a very fluid process that is constant and changing. Internally it's a lot of engagement: emotionally and mentally. In addition to the resistance and intolerance externally from family, community and society in general.
For many it's a life time of sheer torture and hell. I have personally witnessed that hell that continues today through a former high school mate and friend.
! Janine and I met in the seventh grade in high school. She was a year older than I. She always felt more comfortable around girls. An outgoing expressive spirit with a good heart. But she had to keep her preference for females to herself. Her family was not very open to anything other than hetero sexual interactions. As she grew, she became closer to like minded individuals who made her feel accepted. One such was a young man (Asher) who identified as female: strong thick looking athletic with masculine and female traits. Very aggressive,very competitive. Yet very very sensitive and nurturing at the same time. He was often misunderstood and mistreated. He was a couple years a head of us in school. He alternated between female and male personas in dress and demeanor. This put him front and center in the face of a community that was not ready to deal with his sexual and gender perspective. Hence began over two decades of struggle, violence and ostracism.
Asher and Janine became close friends. And by the time they were in their early twenties, brought two sons into this world. Their sexual orientation and gender identification earned them repeated acts of harassment and abuse from their community. Their families disowned them. As young adults barely out of high school they found themselves on their own struggling to care for two young sons. One night things ended badly for Asher. He was home with Janine and their young sons chilling. Someone he knew knocked on his door. He went outside to speak to the person and never returned. Two days later they found his headless body in a shallow make shift grave under a tree near a construction site. His head was never found. Janine never got over his passing. But she stayed strong for her boys. She was determined to stay true to herself. That determination brought tons of scrutiny on her as a parent to boys. Sometimes people choose not to forget. And in her case the community never forgot who the father of her boys was. In addition his passing gave her a personal mission to advocate for persons like her late friend. So her advocacy was a constant reminder and pain in the rear end. But she endured.
Her boys are grown today. Each man has made his own choice regarding his gender identity and sexual orientation. Each man has a healthy respect for the legacy he grew into and the struggle his parents experienced.
Back then I never understood the transgender and transsexual life in the context of the vocabulary being used today. I just knew the experience. The pain. The struggle to understand and define the experience. The fluid organic flipping backward and forward between gender roles and sexual states of being. That's what I witnessed.
So all these terms to reference gender identity are relatively new to me. And I'm relating them to the raw experiences I witnessed over 25 years ago as a teenager and young adult.
A lot has changed re acceptance but the journey and the struggle for clearer and deeper understanding is still ongoing. My friend Janine still continues her legacy of advocacy. And she has stayed true to herself. But she has also pushed for respectful acceptance. She always told me she wanted to be accepted as she is with the inclusiveness of what already is or exists.
Still pictures are only one type of representation of a person. There is the auditory " picture" one creates of oneself or others by projections. Voice is also another form of identity. When you hear someone speak, their accent inflection and intonation also combine to create a visual aural projection in one's mind.
In addition to communicating ideas, one is also communicating cultural and social nuances and qualities that assign one to a specific geographic, national or ethnic or even personal background. There's so much meta information one gleans from talking to someone on the phone without ever viewing a photograph of him or her.
And of course, there is the good ole video chat. Your auditory visual projection is in full force. Tons of meta data to view that allows you to screen a person. That is get a sense of who and what this person is about or not. Not to mention the reams of meta cultural and social information you get by being able to see them in full on video.
Then finally there is the meet up in person. My favorite. You meet the person in the flesh. Enough said.
Of course for personal safety one can always use a combination of any or all of these.
So when I have all these options available to me why bother hassle with someone over some inconsequential pictures that may not even have any currency. That is they may be taken many milestones ago. Who cares?
My point is pictures may be important to some as a visual read and verification of who he or she is talking to at the other end of a screen. But it is by no means the only mechanism available for that purpose . Again as always to each his own.
I learned that you should always warm your hands before trying to milk your cow.
@ DonLonG It sure does apply to cuddling as well. Any act or gesture to break the ice of unfamiliarity is a a kind of "warming'. Including literally warming the hands of course . Thanks for your comment.
@DonLonG 😂 Yes, it’s the polite thing to do...
@RoseGarden there is a better thread for posting such a beautiful quotation. It really doesn't belong and diminishes it's true meangful value in this thread. The quotes thread is where it has the greatest value. It's a waste to post such beauty here. It's one of my favorite quotations from Maya Angelou. But it's real meaning is truthfully insulted by the content and context of this thread.
Asexuality is a fluid experience. One's orientation (attraction) towards a person of any gender and libido (appetite) changes over time. Hence one's experience often though not always exists on a scale depending on where one is and how one feels.
@Bles "Diminishes...a waste...insulted"? It is you who insults and diminishes her beautiful words by saying they don't belong here. (The quote is one of my favorites too, from one of my all-time favorite authors.) It was completely appropriate for me to post: I did in fact learn yesterday a few of the exact things she mentions. Or rather, finally accepted after a lifetime of struggling. To me, being able to post it here is infinitely more meaningful than to post as just a pretty photo on the Quotes thread, where I have posted other things before.
@RoseGarden my intention was not to insult Maya's words. She is also one of my favorite authors. Her words have been a constant muse in my head through all my adult life. I mistakenly felt that this thread would not do justice to the deeply rich essence of her thoughts. As well as her implied instruction to treat others kindly in the way you would have others treat you.
Given the focus of this thread on expressing one's own thoughts without using or citing that of others, I honestly felt it didn't reflect the spirit of the thread. And I also felt posting it in light of that intent was a kind of affront to Maya's own belief in each person using his or her own experience as a teaching tool to learn and grow. She encouraged us to cull our own thoughts and be our own healers and folklorists of our own experiences in our own words. That's where I'm coming from.
However I can also see where you also want to use others words as a grounding support to your own experiences. Especially when they resonate and represent the tone of our feelings in a way we might not be able to richly express them. So that's another way of looking at using quotations.
Perhaps I may have been misguided by my own frustrations with how others words have been used in general in this site. And I stay away from using them on this thread. Because I do want to hear the authenticity of others voices as much as my own. That's why I started this thread. Nothing is more authentic than hearing the organic thoughts of others as they feel it. Quotations have their place. Please understand me. But I feel just throwing others words on a page with or without pictures does little on a thread that's asking for more than someone else's thoughts. That's all. No ill feeling meant.
Still it's a free digital space. Do whatever you want. Sometimes keeping in tune with the spirit of a discussion thread matters less than expressing oneself. To each his own.
One's own words have more value than they're often given. Very often we don't see the worth in what we say because others disagree with our point of view. We diminish the value in our own words. Yet for the often silent ones who may also disagree but still find deeper meaning in what we say. We often ignore.
That's a sad part of social interaction. We only think we have a voice when we feel heard or at least acknowledged.
Still context is everything. How one chooses to belong depending on how one feels matters in how heard or acknowledged one feels.