There is absolutely no shame in being on here for good conversation. After all we're still human beings. Honestly, while it's relaxing and sometimes comforting to get sincere hugs, it's also uplifting and often reassuring to intellectually and mentally connect with others who share the same desire to exchange ideas and sentiments.
Increasingly I find myself being content with either or neither one. And as always I'm happy to keep to myself and cuddle myself how I please and feel.
It's truly liberating to not need the validation of another's ear or arms. To truly enjoy it and give my time and attention to another when I have that moment with every fiber of my being. Yet not feel enslaved to the desire to cuddle or chat. Whether it's available or not.
What goes on in another's life is none of my business. So whether or not a cuddle partner tells his significant other about his cuddling activities is none of my business. Really. I will do what I need to do to honor our boundaries and keep our cuddle experience platonic. Regardless. I respect what he has with his significant other. So I'll respect the boundaries that honor that commitment he has to her. Whatever that commitment is. Otherwise it's really none of my business.
Communication in social media is not much different than in real life. Communication in social media is like sitting in a room full of people who either choose to greet and acknowledge you or not. And when they do choose to acknowledge you ,can either bluntly or passively shut you up or engage you or simply ignore you.
Only in social media the above experience can be far more intense because the digital door to exit or enter is the boundary you have to create in your head.
Only you can create that virtual boundary in cyber land.
Or you can create that mind spirit membrane that allows you to stay sane.
The interaction is not about trying to understand. It's about postulating and posturing. The more you appreciate that the less bombarded your mind spirit membrane becomes. The more fulfilling the experience is.
No expectations. No committed or invested interest in anything anyone says including you.
Any behavior that makes another person feel unreasonable demands are made on his or her time can be interpreted as being needy . Not everyone who is perceived to be making demands on other people's time is in need of therapy or is seemingly broken.
It's very dangerous what a little knowledge can do to a person and the way s/he perceives others. Degrees in any speciality and years of professional experience in any specific area of expertise does not give any one the human right to diagnose another person at will . It is with this thought in mind that many psychiatrists and clinical psychologists refrain from commenting or giving any kind of expert opinion on the mental or behavioral health of any person who is not a patient under their care.
Yet we have persons with some years of experience working with different cases and some degree of expertise in related fields making arbitrary diagnoses about the mental and behavioral health of other people they know absolutely nothing about . And even further are bold enough to prescribe and/ or recommend therapeutic care of sorts for those they so deem to be afflicted.
It is not right. It's totally unfair to the individuals you treat in that way.
It's unfortunate that in this community we have such individuals being willing to define "neediness" in terms of being mentally broken and in need of some kind of therapeutic repair.
The question I will therefore ask is "What is neediness?" Is it not a subjective term relative to personal value such as one's own time and availability to another person? Comparing one's emotional availability and need for attachment to another's desire or need for the same? And what makes one person needy as opposed to another? Is perceived neediness a barometer by which one judges another's mental and emotional health?
I am extremely grateful for the insight the villi in my small intestines has gifted me with when it comes to screening individuals. There are some persons in this community who I made a decision very early in my sojourn here was not worth any effort of my time to know. And time has proven my reservations about their mindset and general demeanor with others. I have been taught time and time again the importance of trusting my seventh gut sense with mindful patience and understanding. The more individuals reveal themselves through words and gestures the more I've come to appreciate their humanity as well as my strong aversion to ever pursuing any further effort to know them or worse yet have them know me. It's in moments like this I'm reminded that being totally invisible to another on account of being merely perceived as being broken to him or her is eternally blissful. For which I'm ever happy to remain invisible and in human.
Men complain about not getting responses from women yet insult and/or diminish the intelligence of those who respond but simply do not fit the category of the "type" they're looking for.
They complain about being ignored or shunned by enthusiasts yet deprecate the ones who give time they barely have for themselves.
They talk about being pulled back and forth by non pro women with time wasting no shows and cancellations and non responses and flaky behavior. But what about the non pro women who are comfortable enough in their skin to reach back and engage. Often times using communication media they're unfamiliar with and travelling at dangerously odd times of the night to meet up for cuddles. What about those non pro women flexible enough to deal with male anger and emotional baggage from difficult life situations and give precious time to months of emotionally raw conversations to help build a meaningful connection prior to a cuddle.
Men in general view everything in terms of a transaction. So often times they simply want to hit you up with a few message conversations about nothing. Then jump into a Cuddle with you. Often times ignoring the buried nuances and emotions that the intimate nature of cuddling undoubtedly unpacks. It takes a strong thoughtful non pro who is secure in her own boundaries to engage the kind of conversations necessary to help men unpack their buried baggages. The same impatient men who allow themselves to evolve through cuddling with a strong solid non pro usually find the authentic richness in their cuddle experiences.
Let's be honest. Cuddling is a very physically and emotionally intimate activity that requires thoughtful conversation and anticipation of potential scenarios that could be problematic for the people involved.
Unfortunately, the only men who appreciate that are either the thoughtfully caring or thoughtfully condescending men with degrees of superiority and God like omniscient complexes.
Perhaps non pro women who think with this mindset are in the minority. And it's much easier to appreciate that cuddle transaction connection when you're paying for a block of time consistently. So it really doesn't matter relationally.
Still the non pro dynamic is unique and worth exploring now and then even if consistently it's not everyone's cup of tea.
Truth also be told the demographics of non pro women differs from city to city, town to town and state to state. It's disingenuous to say it's odd that women, (non) pro don't check out profiles or pay attention to safety.
To say that is invalidating another's experience.
Unfortunately on this site there are many among the few who are non pros who use this site as a means to a side hustle. So prevalent it is that men often specifically ask if there is a charge. It is especially more common in some locations than others. Having said, that many women take their own private measures to protect themselves. Some of us use means that again would make the dominant elite class of some women cringe. Hence safety while a concern is not something that makes many of us paranoid or lose any sleep over.
I work a job where I am driving long distances sometimes at 2 am in the morning. I drive long distances to meet men to cuddle in communities where people are so easily triggered, you never know when a bullet will strike you. I've also been followed by creeps leaving my house to respond to a job call at 3 am in the morning and was fortunate enough to be able out drive them and find the nearest fire station. Had they caught me I would not be here today. So concern for my safety is something I live with; have made peace with. Not a barrier nor a deal breaker for me. Even as I understand why it would be for many women.
Yes some of us do look at profiles. Some of us do look at pictures. Some of us do pay attention to messaging and content and wording. Some of us do mind behavior that makes unreasonable unreciprocated demands on our time.
Yet there are also many of us that don't make any or only some or one of the above mentioned a priority in how we choose cuddle partners.
How a man projects his personality and communicates his desires is also equally important to many non pro women. Especially some older and / or more seasoned non pro women who have been or are currently involved in relationships with men. Many of us are very empathetic and open minded. Many of us are also at a stage in life where we're empty nesting ( having grown kids) and are going through or have been through the living eternal hell of life changes: medical, marital, legal, family, death and so on. So we can either be pretty open or mindfully bitter. But aware enough to appreciate the life changes and issues our male cuddlers experience.
What does that have to do with cuddling?
It means that cuddling is not just a transaction to us. We see you as you are. You can't pull the wool over our eyes as you would in a dating context. We don't want you as a potential partner. Like you we're just looking to cuddle and make a meaningful connection with you. That might just mean a good phone conversation or a Starbucks meet up for coffee and a chat! Nothing more!
Hence we see your little knicks and we appreciate. We're not trying to counsel or soothe. We're not therapists. We're just human beings with some life experiences that give insight and understanding in same way that you do. Appreciate.
So for every ten non pro women who ignore or don't follow up, think of the one or two that do. And cherish them.
Don't diminish and condescendingly scold or scrutinize them because they don't fit into your neat little package of what may or may not be attractive to you. Don't dismiss and right them off as being mentally and emotionally unwell because their way of communicating with you is a little too much for your patience.
I may be a persona non grata on this site. I may be perceived to be unhinged and unbalanced. I may not be worth hearing or acknowledging. But as a non pro female who gives every fiber of her being when she cuddles and does her best to make her male cuddle partners feel happy and comfortable with her, it might be worth your while to consider what it is you're really looking for when you message a female.
My mindset may yet be a reflection of some kind of how a tiny subset of this ever growing community feels. But whose voices will always be belittled and squashed by the louder omnipresent few: non(pro) women and thoughtfully condescending yet evolved men.
I am constantly learning that when it comes to communication it's the little things that matter. The small gestures that we all take for granted.
It's not so much about responding to a message or using being busy as an excuse. It's more about being open with another about what's happening. Not explaining to defend one self. Or to divulge more than is necessary. But to be transparent in one's intentions in a way that is perceived as being consistent.
Truth is when one does the above it makes the connection feel that much more authentic.
I'm also learning that cuddling is an experimentation in the verse of intimacy.
The universe of physically touching and being wrapped up with another. As well as the verse of verbal and emotional conversation.
The act of being hugged and caressed often stimulates buried sensations filled with past remembered experiences, good and bad. One has to be very careful how one handles these emotions in the presence of another who is often unaware. How one chooses to handle it is a process of trial and error as well as openness.
Because language is such an essential universal tool of verbal communication, we often take it for granted that everyone is affected in the same way by it. That everyone uses words in a universal way.
The truth is everyone is triggered by different things. How we use words to communicate with others affects how they feel about and around us. It's also a process of trial and error to glean what makes people comfortable when it comes to how words are used in a message.
What the experience of cuddling has taught me is that in order to effectively communicate with different personalities I need to try on and experiment with different styles and get their feedback. I need to be more mindful of how I use words to communicate with others. And constantly be creative in the way I gauge and engage with the comfort level of others.
It's a very vulnerable space that the intimacy of cuddling generates. Since there's no manual or blue print by which to navigate it, we have to create our own.
As a cuddle enthusiast, I'm also coming to terms with the male driven transactional dynamic of cuddling. Truth be told, this dynamic favours professional cuddling more so than recreational cuddling. I'm not saying that each group of cuddlers don't play a vital role in the community. Each group does.
I'm speaking specifically to the dynamic of having to navigate the life and work schedules of persons who are married or involved in long-term relationships with others. Sometimes that information is disclosed. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes the challenges of scheduling talk, message and cuddle time around that situation is discussed. Often times it is not.
And because often times it's not thought about in terms of connections and schedules, it's not really discussed. And in a non pro context it is an important discussion to have in order to establish trust and clear boundaries. Time that is given freely is priceless. Yet because it isn't paid for is often treated with scant regard.
That's one of the reasons I believe many women in the cuddle community in general choose the pro route after awhile. It's much easier to control the demands on one's time while addressing the transactional needs of people who just need to cuddle for a brief time and move on. You simply schedule a time block that's convenient for you and a client. Meet and cuddle. Exchange the money ( before or after). And you're done. The monetary exchange already establish the context for detachment. And as I highlighted at the beginning of the post, the circumstance of persons being married or involved creates the need for cuddling to be transactional at times. Cuddling is just an additional activity to the many others people have to schedule their lives around. And that's even when spouses are aware that their SO s are cuddling.
It becomes even more about getting a cuddle in when the SO is kept ignorant. And scheduling becomes more challenging. What's more, the cuddler in this situation is often looking for and/ or is very open to more than cuddling. Which complicates the dynamic even more. For the professional cuddler whose time is paid for the context is often clear unless the pro chooses to do otherwise.
But for the non pro whose time is always perceived to be open and free regardless, it becomes far more challenging to the mind and spirit. Navigating such complexities is often mired in pushed and at times crossed boundaries. It can be very overwhelming to stay completely detached. And when you do stay completely detached you're likely to leave many unanswered messages. Because you trust less, verify more and generally become more guarded and protective of your personal space.
After a while cuddling is not so much of a thing you explore with any random person. No matter how giving and caring you are. Rather a thing that happens as part of a wider emotional and mental connection. Such a connection takes time.
Unfortunately many people neither have the patience nor make the time.
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The only women who belong on this site are the intellectually gifted, the verbally assertive, the physically attractive and the childless or the generally attractive and assertive menopausal.
Any other women who don't match the above criteria should go subscribe somewhere else. After all this is a masculine site. Females are only here to feed the tetosterone energy and comply with masculine norms and expectations.
Or offer up themselves as physically attractive, intelligent and friendly professionals. The exchange of money for a valued service brings respect among other things.
The option to choose how one is or acts is often driven by the perception of others. Particularly persons you have some kind of history with. It's as if you are forever how they met and perceived you. Even in the presence of an attempt to change and be different. Even when you are in the process of positive change.
To them you're the same broken record they hear.
One is never free to be or do. You choose to live or exist despite the chains of others opinions and perceptions that tie you down in a mental and social box. It doesn't matter what milestones I achieve in life, my own mother will never embrace me as something she can be proud of. And it doesn't matter how she tries to cover and sugar coat. Her heartfelt sentiments towards me as compared with my other siblings always screams her internal bias. I still choose my way in life as a grown adult. But I'm never free to be the woman I am or have become ,at least around her.
And that rings true for nearly every human being I've had any encounter with in life: brief or long term.
So for me, will or choice as far as interpersonal interaction goes is always conditioned by others reception and perception of and toward me. One could say my actions as it's projected to others dictate how much freedom I give myself. If people think you're unhinged and crazy then every thing you do is merely dismissed and discarded into the category: not of sound mind or slightly unbalanced.
You become the piece of furniture that's sitting in the middle of a room that nobody ever sees or sits on.
Under such circumstances there is no "free" in will. There's no real function as a social human being. Rather no different than a piece of salvage vehicle sitting on a junkyard lot. Your voice is already muted by what others think of you.
Then people preach false myths like "No man is an island. No man stands alone".
The truth is some of us are islands, will always be islands. As long as those we're interacting with make us so in the narrow prisms of their minds.
Self talk is a useful tool to use in bonding with the self. It's also a tool used to judge mental and emotional health and well being.
Truth is if one can have a conversation with oneself, not take oneself too seriously or believe all the nonsense thoughts that pop into one's head, then self talk is one of the most awesome gifts one will ever give oneself.
A virus is an organism that lives inside the body. There is no cure or medicine to stop it once it occupies. Viruses inhabit our breathing space and we don't even know many of them. I live with that risk every day of my life.
So this co vid 19 is no different. I wash my hands until all the skin peels and cracks. I drink cups of cups of water until my urine stays clear all the time. I take high potency iron, vitamin C and B complex tablets everyday. I make sure I eat high protein meals. And I walk briskly for at least 45 minutes every day. I take cleansing breaths and stretch my muscles as often as I can. Moreso if I choose to cuddle with my self. And I've significantly curtailed my cuddling activities especially with new people.
So as serious and as deadly as the Corona virus is and can be, I take the necessary precautions by taking care of myself and educating my mind about the cellular mechanisms of this virus.
Hence I'm content and ready for what ever strain it brings this side of the planet. No mask, no gown, no goggles and no panic attack is going to change what it offers. But my mindset will dictate how my body lives and deals.
We love when someone is being themselves in ways that we like. So we applaud them.
But how do we really know they are truly consistently being themselves?
When we don't live in the same space with them. When the only interaction we have with them is on social media.
By the same token, do we also enjoy a jerk being himself? And would any of us applaud a jerk for consistently being himself: a jerk?
And isn't he actually being himself? Even if he is being a jerk?
So what does it really mean to be oneself?