How do I make my hubby feel comfortable?

How do I make my husband feel more comfortable with the fact that I am cuddling? He is worried that it's about sex, even though I have told him time and again that it isn't. He still thinks that the other person may think that it is, and I will end up being assaulted. Any ideas on how to reassure him? Thanks in advance.

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Comments

  • According to peeps on this site, a good number do think it's about sex and it's on us to screen, educate and weed those out so that preferably a minimum of them actually end up on our doorstep. You might read the many forum shares where people have talked about their screening processes to keep that very thing from happening. Then you can implement them and tell your husband about them. You can even ask him for his ideas so he can feel a bit more at ease.He will still worry because he loves you and because there is a small risk, but in my way of looking at it, you can only do all you can do and then let him have his feelings. Probably over time as he sees you implementing your awesome screening techniques his worrying may abate some.

  • edited January 19

    I’ve always told cuddler a that I don’t mind meeting husbands fathers kids uncles relatives , I think that if you introduce your client to your husband , perhaps he might feel
    More at ease . Since you don’t host we’ll now you have to bring him along , why don’t you just host and make it easier. He sits in a basement man cave while you are upstairs cuddling .

    And for some reason the younger folks think physical contact means sexual contact . It don’t.

  • He probably knows it is not about sex. He is just saying that because he doesn’t want you cuddling other men. Maybe you married the wrong person.

  • I'll be perfectly honest: I think it's reasonable for your husband to be uncomfortable with this. I actually would have been on your side a year ago, before I cuddled any pros. But now, having cuddled a bunch of pros, there's no way in hell I would be OK with my wife pro cuddling (assuming we didn't have some kind of open marriage arrangement, I guess).

  • You could let him go through your inbox once. You can tell him your screening process and the steps you take to protect yourself. You could have him meet one of your clients with their prior consent. You could host a cuddle for a trusted partner at your home while your husband is in the house. You could see if one of your clients wouldn't mind doing a group cuddle with you and your husband. You could agree to meet your clients only in public for a while. You could share your phone location with your husband while on cuddles. You can promise to call or text him immediately after cuddle sessions are over.

    The world is your oyster. Maybe your husband has ideas of what would help him know you're safe?

  • One of my favorite pro cuddlers is in a commited relationship. and she is 100% platonic always and it hasn't been a problem....though he doesn't want to hear about the sessions or be reminded of it all the time.
    I think its quite natural for a boyfriend or husband to not be a huge fan of it....cuddling can be a very intimate thing...even when its strictly platonic.

  • @eddie2sweaty I think your comment, “maybe you married the wrong person” is inappropriate. A man letting another man into the private space he feels only he should occupy with his wife is a concept hard for most men. I didn’t understand that until I got into a relationship and then felt like I as the pro was allowing another man into the space only my significant other should occupy. @shortwithcurves I think it’s something you and your spouse have to work through and if it’s not something he can accept then you will have to rethink your cuddling.

  • One more observation - in my experience, and I have been naive in my day, my arguing for something being completely safe that my partner detected wasn't sometimes seemed to make them persist because they felt I was not taking in the danger. Validating his concern I think will go along way (if you haven't already) to him feeling heard, and then as I said above, figuring out what screening techniques will work for you and sharing them will help. <3

  • edited January 19

    This is why services like this are so crucial in our society. People need to learn how to compartmentalize what touch is and what that means to the individual.

    You can ABSOLUTELY be physically close to someone and not have sexual relations. Trust me, after close to almost 200 cuddles, give or take, under my belt, it's a constant struggle with our culture to decipher what that is. I do NOT think it's natural or healthy for jealousy and possessive behaviors to be encouraged.

    It's why, as Pro with the psych degree, I cannot stress enough that communication and clear boundaries are crucial in any relationship. Ambiguity naturally can make someone uncomfortable. We must tackle what is ambiguous to the individual and from there find a solution

    If you want some privacy discussing good ways to help communicate with your husband so you both can be on board, please do not hesitate to message me. 💗

  • My immediate thought from reading through the comments is to eye-roll at the predictable notion at this site that it’s only committed men who are possessive and uncomfortable that their partner is sharing platonic intimacy with someone else.
    I wonder what the reactions would be if a man asked why so many committed women “need” to find that with another man outside of their relationship and then post comments here saying they can’t understand why their male partner might take offense.

  • edited January 20

    Vetoing a spouse's objection won't help the marriage. Can you picture your husband meeting attractive young women in a motel and laying in bed with them? Some things in a marriage need a unanimous vote.

  • edited January 19

    Platonic-cuddling is not an activity that the "mainstream" has its collective head wrapped around, but an activity liked minded folks in our community choose to partake in. We are a minority and the end of the day (at least from my perspective). Your husband's concern for your safety is valid, but I'll go out on a limb and say it's probably more about the intimacy of cuddling itself or jealousy on some level. So unfortunately, your husband may not ever be able to accept your cuddling.

    I imagine it could be the same for a wife or female significant other that feels you should be exclusive to them visa vise intimacy, nurturing, and cuddling. In these instances, seems a choice has to be made between the relationship and cuddling with others. While platonic-cuddling is not a big deal for us, it's should be understandable that cuddling is not an activity others may easily accept regarding their mate.

    I've crossed paths with professional female cuddlers that won't cuddle with a married guy without his wife's knowledge/consent.

  • @shortwithcurves
    I think a useful method might be to make sure that you are more intimate with him ; regularly.

    Imagine he was working as a bartender / security in a lap-dancing club, what could he do, to help you be comfortable with that ?

  • I agree with @RTL1970. When I was married, my wife did not even like me talking on the phone to female friends. Cuddling another woman would have been grounds for divorce in her eyes.

  • Definitely can go both ways and every couple is different about what's needed to balance growth and stability. All power to you @shortwithcurves for bringing such a vulnerable issue here for input. Best of luck to you guys. <3

  • There needs to be trust. You shouldn't have to share any information about your sessions or messages. In fact, you shouldn't, for confidentiality reasons. You should have someone else be your safety check person unless he is wholly trusting of you and not going to use the information for his benefit and break your confidentiality agreements with your clients. It's all about trust. My last relationship was monogamous, but my boyfriend trusted me. I could call him after an awesome session and share my warm heart feel good feelings and being able to help, and he would be so happy for me. I have zero tolerance for anything less in looking for a future relationship. Trust is paramount in any relationship. This type of work just really brings any issues to the surface. Honestly, there's not really anything you can do. It's work he needs to do within himself, because it's not about you (unless there is a history of cheating), it's about his own insecurities.

  • The pros offering prohibited services are dirtying the waters for the rest. It’s bad enough that some guys don’t behave well with pros. In my field of massage therapy, we have to be vigilant against people who expect it to be prostitution or about sex. That is what makes it safer and the services of cuddling should be thought of as not unlike massage.

  • My husband always worries about my safety. And there may be a bit of jealousy which is why I would never do a cuddle for free. Having that line of professionalism drawn between myself and another cuddler makes him a little bit more at ease. I tell him a little bit about some of them and how some want to meet him. He always wants to keep himself separate from him which I understand. I told him if he ever gets too overwhelmed by this, that I would pack it up and end the cuddling but he says for me to keep doing it. I think knowing that I would end it all to ease his mind already eases it a little bit. He will always have that bit of jealously and worry for safety but I know he trusts me wholeheartedly. It’s just something you’re going to have to have a long talk with him about. It will definitely strain your marriage if you don’t come to an agreement.

  • @shortwithcurves There is a possible reality he may never be able to come to terms with you cuddling others no matter how at ease you make him. Some folks for lack of a better term are not wired that way. This isn't something you shouldn't force on him and it doesn't mean he doesn't trust you it just means he's not prepared to share that part of you with others. At that point you have decide for yourself why you really want to do this and if it's potentially worth risking your marriage. I know it sounds harsh but it is a real scenario you have to face possibly.

  • @hugonehugall I believe if someone really loves me, they will want the best for me and for me to be happy, even if they don't understand or agree with what is making me happy. None of my family, boyfriend at the time, or friends would quit their job, take a sabbatical, start a business, cuddle with strangers, sell their house, live in an RV, ha, but they have my back. They all worry about me for so many reasons between both the RV life and cuddling, but they wouldn't stop me. I don't think anyone who really loves me could see how happy I am and then ask me to change. I do realize I may have been really lucky in my relationship, but it showed me it's possible, and at this point I wouldn't accept less. To love me is to love the gift I have to offer and to want to support me in sharing that gift as much as I would like.

    One thing that I did to keep a unique part of my cuddling self for my boyfriend, was to get even clearer in my boundaries. Some even ones which clients don't always understand, but that help me reserve certain things for a romantic relationship. And I had an open conversation with him periodically about this, check-in with him, what he's comfortable with and what not. We worked together to find a place of comfort, but it was never a question of whether I would continue or not. I may have responded in haste in saying there wasn't anything she could do.

  • @ubergigglefritz I understand you were lucky in your situation and that's awesome. But not everyone is the same. It's almost like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Yes if he truly loves her should he just forget his own reservations & feelings and let her do it no matter how he may feel ? Is she being selfish by insisting on doing this even though its something he may never be able to wrap his head around. We talk so often on so many threads that platonic cuddling especially in a professional since that mainstream society still can't accept it for what it is and most of us have resigned ourself to the fact that a certain % may never. Im not saying this is him but @shortwithcurves should prepare herself for the fact that he may be a part of that group. One other thing to keep in mind is that they've spent most if not all their time together in a monogamous relationship where this type of closeness and intimacy was reserved solely for each other. To drop this on him out of the blue is not easy to digest for a lot of people and can't help but feel threatened insecure and of course concerned for her safety and where their relationship stands.

  • @hugonehugall Agree wholeheartedly. Hopefully if he's unable to be ok with it, then it's not a huge piece of her heart. I could prob find something else that I'm as fulfilled by, but I love being an entrepreneur, and it would definitely be more difficult to find something I'm as fulfilled by that keeps me in that position. I don't do well working for others and by other people's rules. 😆

  • I just wish to mention that you can love and wish the best for someone but not be compatible for a relationship. Just replying to uber and hug’s conversation.

  • @JasonCuddles For sure. That's what happened to my last relationship. I love the man so much. He is my best friend (in all ways except how we were incompatible, ha). But there is no question in my mind about our incompatibility. This understanding allows us to still benefit from our friendship without any confusion or jealousy, ha. Everyone needs friends, connections, and people to have our back and be there. Most of those people aren't going to be relationship people. 😇

  • here is my thoughts, take them for what they are, my opinion, not saying I'm right, but, I'm right! LOL, seriously, I think it's difficult for anyone to be platonically intimate, and not develop feelings. I've had very limited experiences, but, I know that I have felt a connection with my cuddlers, may just be on my part, but, I think no matter how much you compartmentalize it, feelings are there, I don't have any expectations however. Society dictates that men and women cannot just be friends, so we become insecure when someone we care about has a member of the opposite sex for a friend. We may know in our minds that it's ok, but, there's this deep rooted societal norm that still is out there.
    I think as with anything, open discussion, more open discussion, understanding where he is coming from, and compromise. What the compromise is, only you two can decide.
    Good luck, I hope some of this rambling madness made sense.

  • @Georgejo

    I would have to disagree with you. It’s not a matter of compartmentalism of feelings. It may be difficult for you when it comes to having feelings while being platonically intimate, but it seems like you’re saying it’s absolutely not possible to be platonically intimate without having feelings. Which is where I disagree. As a pro that cuddles all the time, I am able to fully enjoy a cuddle with a client but still separate feelings and keep their comfort my number one priority. It’s very possible to have a platonic, intimate cuddle without experiencing feelings of attachment and love. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling a connection of friendship or even a craving for another cuddle, but to make it sound like it’s a societal norm to feel heavy feelings and that it’s going to happen no matter what, is inaccurate. For the original poster, yes, some of her clients may have feelings for her but her love and respect for her husband is what would no doubt make it easy for her to separate feelings with cuddlers she’s with. If her hubby is jealous or worried for her safety, that is perfectly normal. But if she truly cares and loves her husband, societal norms or not, she won’t have feelings for her clients except to care for their comfort.

    Also, not every partner is automatically jealous of their spouse having a friend of the opposite sex. Society has never dictated that men and women can’t be friends. Maybe the bible did, but it’s completely normal to have friends of the opposite sex. It’s up to your partner and who they are as a person. If they are jealous of you having friends of the opposite sex, that just seems controlling in my eyes. If you don’t trust your partner having friends of the opposite sex and are worried they are going to develop feelings for this friend, than you need to have a long discussion with your partner. I fully agree with you that there needs to be a lot of talking and coming up with a solution that makes both of you feel comfortable.

    Just don’t make it sound so black and white. Sorry for my long ramble! Lol

  • If I were with someone who could be strayed, and we aren't able to fix our issues, then our relationship has passed it's expiry date. You can't control your way into a healthy relationship. I think it's normal to feel jealous sometimes, but your love and trust for the other person should override any jealousy you should feel. Love should come out as wanting the person to be happy, even if that happiness pulls them away, not as an attempt to control them. 😕

  • [quote]if she truly cares and loves her husband, societal norms or not, she won’t have feelings for her clients except to care for their comfort.[/quote]

    @Sheena123 I have to disagree with this so hard. It's totally possible to love more than one person. It's also totally possible for people to choose what they do about those feelings though.

    I do agree that it's easily possible to have friends of the opposite sex without any jealousy. And to cuddle without developing romantic feelings.

  • @JasonCuddles I’m not saying you can’t love more than one person. I’m using the original poster and her love for her husband as this example. She wants to be a professional cuddler that can confidently cuddle but wants to know how to help her hubby be comfortable with the situation if it’s possible. I’m sure he’s not interested in her falling in love with a client and she obvious loves and cares for her hubby and will keep her professionalism intact (not falling in love with a client). I’m saying SHE won’t have feelings for a client because she loves her husband and knows how to differentiate giving feelings of comfort to giving feelings of love.

    Obviously, people can fall in love with multiple people so I’m sorry if what I said confused you. I’m just using her situation. Not a general “could be anyone” situation.

  • @Sheena123 @Georgejo you're both right on some points. In some cultures the idea of men & women being solely platonic friends is not the norm. It's still a foreign concept to some. No when two people of the opposite sex become friends it does not automatically guarantee that there's romantic or sexual attraction down the road. But there are others who aren't wired that way & can't maintain a platonic relationship with opposite sex without eventually falling for them. Everyone is wired differently and not everyone has the same emotional maturity. One of my best friends in the world is a female , lives literally 2 doors down me. Which gives us the capability to spend tons of time together. I could knock on her door anytime day or night and she wouldn't think anything of it. At the same time when she's dating someone or in a relationship with someone I respectful of the fact that it may take them some time to get comfortable with how close we are so that's usually when I'll give her and her partner some space so he doesn't get the wrong idea. But we're not talking about @shortwithcurves having male friends we're talking about her sharing an intimate physical space with a complete stranger basically. That's what he should have an issue with. That doesn't make him controlling or jealous it makes him human. Quite frankly I'd be more concerned if he didn't initially take issue with it and just blindly pushed his chips all in on the idea. We also don't if he personally in the past has dealt with unfaithful partners or if the two of them have dealt with infidelity in the past. There is so much to digest in this situation.

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