Anxious attachment

BooksnTeas

I'm wondering if people with anxious attachment styles have navigated spending time with different types of people and if that's altered your experience.
I'm a person with anxious attachment. When I'm stressed out, nothing makes me feel better than connecting with someone. And when I go too long feeling like someone wants me as part of their regular regime, or something changes abruptly.. it's overwhelming to cope with.
I was thinking that if I tried to find another person who identifies as having anxious attachment, whose done some self work, but whose decided that it's ok to get anxious about attachment.. that we might be able to have feelings without pushing the other away.
Anyone else explored options or want to share insights. I've learned a bit about the whole anxious-secure thing, but I'm so anxious I can make a secure person pull away sometimes, to be quite honest. I've been fortunate to connect with others who try to show up despite some differences there. But what if there's also a situation where my vulnerabilities are just naturally understood, and maybe matched by someone with an equal appreciation for connecting when things are rough. I'm stating to look to try something different. I usually go for the so self-secure that they can't cope with how unsecure I am type.

Siberian76

You have clearly done a lot of work on the path to self-discovery, if you are aware of the delicate intricacies of your anxieties.

Ultimately, you came to the correct conclusion - it's not just about other person of having a matching temperament.

You have crossed the threshold where it becomes painful when the other person hasn't gone through such self-discovery.

And, ideally, that person would be able to relate, on an emotional level, to your plight.

Unfortunately, with each of the above criteria, you have further decimated the pool of prospective candidates, so finding someone fitting those criteria (who is available and interested ) is going to be near impossible.

I have an anxious attachment style myself, but I don't find it's usually an issue in platonic cuddling friendships. I find it to be more of an issue with dating and romantic relationships. I am happy to see my cuddle buddies once a week or less and I don't really miss them in between that much, whereas with a romantic partner I will often miss them a lot and want to see them all the time.

Cessna_guy

I understand your situation. Presently I am voluntarily making myself available as a support for someone who lives 300 miles away. She has a competitive spirit but is stressed by not being able to get out and meet with others. I tend to make distant chat relationships that last for the long-term through thick and thin. Feel free to message me if you need a chat partner.

UKGuy

I'm not knowlegeable about this subject so I did a search and came across this site, which gives some information about different 'attachment styles'.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-change-your-attachment-style/
I'm not sure about the concept of attachment styles since I believe everyone is an individual and placing people into artificial categories (secure, anxious, avoidant) is futlle since people are a blend of different categories. In my experience, you have to weed through a lot of potential partners to find someone compatible and even then there is no guarantee it will last long term.

geoff1000

I'm reminded of the joke :
"I'm not afraid of the dark, I always sleep with a light on"

It is easy for someone who has an infinite and reliable supply of something ( air, water, electricity, money, company etc. ) to label someone who does not, as having an "anxious style" ; but that is unfair. If their wants and needs are continually being met, they cannot know what it is like when they are not being met.

It is easier for a physically-attractive person to get and keep company, like a cow in a grass field can find food by merely lowering its head to the ground. I don't think we should be so quick to label people's emotional style, without recognising that.

At the beginning of the lockdown, I had money in my wallet, which made me feel secure ; because I could buy a meal, or get a taxi home. Overnight, businesses changed to only accepting contactless payment ; so that hard cash became worthless and banks narrowed their opening hours so I couldn't quickly deposit it into my account.

Some people have been able to cope with the lockdown, because either they are physically with a partner, or they have the creativity to switch to "virtual" contact. A different form of separation might be too hard for them ; such as if they were in a country where they didn't speak the language, or we had to be silent and they couldn't use sign language.

Cuddling is a way to know effortlessly, that a person is still physically present, so it meets the need for reassurance. Anyone seeking that, therefore has some level of need.

BooksnTeas

This is all so interesting. So many unique positions.

@Siberian76, I wasn't trying to get a large of pool of people, but look for something I haven't tried yet.

@Sunflowerfield, I hear you on your template.

@Cessna_guy, I'm not sure what you mean by competitive.

@UKGuy, I tend to agree with you about categorizing folks and that people are dynamic. And yet, I find myself wishing that when a dude is stessed that connection is a benefit rather than an extra item. It could be that I'm not everyone's idea of emotional comfort, but it might also be that someone who feels more anxiously attached naturally is more inclined towards that. There are no rules, but it's something to start exploring with.

@geoff1000, yes. 100%. I tend to feel secure when a need is getting met, and no one accuses me for wanting a phone call when I'm able to get one. Then when I feel isolated and want one but it's not offered, I can become anxious and then bam.. suddenly it's a personality trait that can be leveled on me by a person who isn't sharing that need. And I appreciate your analogy. I appreciate that you broke it down to how things that are lucky or privileged help people avoid discomfort or lack. That's a really important premise to me when I consider needs in the world and the way people are punished further from another original misfortune.. rather than embraced and uplifted. Thanks for writing.

geoff1000

@BooksnTeas
A long time ago, I sent a text message to a friend, saying that I was having a bad time, and I would really appreciate some encouragement. No reply.

When we met a few days later, she complained that I was making unreasonable demands.

MonkeyNeedsAHug

I’m an anxiously attached person. Interested to hear how this line of inquiry goes for you.

BooksnTeas

@geoff1000 I'm sorry that happened. I'm sad for you. I'm in a group that's started by someone in the radical mental health movement. Everyone's writing down maps of self care and how to connect that to social justice movements. The topic of saying what you want was a little challenging for me because of that as well.. because sometimes two people can want the same thing and one person is met, and another is forsaken. I hold a lot of concern there whether I'm being met or being forsaken. It's something everyone deserves and to throw blame on by saying someone is making unreasonable demands.. it's shaming. It's like, I'm not going to give you what you want, and also fk you for asking. (not sure if fk is cool on this site, please correct me if it's not.)

Siberian76

@geoff1000 : Short-term, that obviously hurts.

Long-term, you dodged a bullet, however. Now you know you don't have to waste time and emotions on her, as you're clearly the only one that is supposed to give...