Social media offers many opportunities for people from all backgrounds of different creeds and values to meet and interact. There's also an inherent assumption that people are "whole" in terms of having it together mentally and emotionally. That whatever your life journey, your history you have at least made an effort to address and manage your "baggage".
So that when you approach others to interact you bring the supposed lessons of lived life experiences that will keep you thriving as well as offer others an opportunity to share and possibly exchange theirs with you. Presumably as emotionally healthy individuals. Neither demanding anything from or feeding off the other.
Unfortunately, that is not always true. There are many people with wounded souls who haven't addressed their " baggage" from their past. This leaves them in a perpetual state of feeling empty and always "needing" or "wanting" to be filled up. And because they haven't constantly checked in with their wounded selves, they look to others to constantly fill that void. That's unfair to others who are mentally and emotionally available.
So if you're hurting stay away from sites such as this one. Do yourself and others a favour and stay away. Go seek the help you need to heal or do the necessary inner work long term to heal yourself.
Here are some reasons you should:
Your abandonment of self makes you emotionally needy. That drains the energy of others and wastes their time.
You're constantly apologizing for your existence. You appear to lack self confidence and self esteem and hence you irritate and turn off others. They lose respect for you and often treat you like human waste.
You create a repetitive self destructive cycle of having unreasonable expectations of others they either can't or won't fulfill. That's unfair to them and you.
As you feel betrayed or rejected by others refusal and or inability to meet your unmet needs you become distrustful and perhaps even manipulative. You expect the worst of others even when they're being sincere. You use every human pause and phrase as a personal attack on you. You use sarcasm to manipulate a response from them. You even exaggerate your pain to elicit their sympathy which often backfires. And you dig a deeper hole into your self esteem each time.
Hence you interact from a place of fear. Fear of being rehurt. Fear of being re rejected. Fear of being open-minded. Fear of being honest with your thoughts and feelings. Yet you also expect the other to"understand". Even though you articulate none of what you feel , want or need to such person. That creates a cycle of codependence: you either seek to be passive aggressive to control and manipulate by over giving or play the victim who is always misunderstood,and rejected. That emotional mindset sucks the energy and wellness out of others. It confuses and hurts and abuses. That's very unfair to anyone. No one deserves to be the recipient of that. That just creates a very toxic environment for everyone around you.
Eventually you lose your self. You lose perspective and context. You assume connections with others you haven't built. You either try to befriend others too quickly or too slowly. You make assumptions about what they want from and are willing to offer you. Often creating misunderstanding and missed or botched opportunities.
Your mental and possibly physical health declines. As you push others away you further isolate yourself. You steal your own joy as much as you do others. You constantly live in a cesspool of stagnant emotion. Very often you point fingers at everyone and everything they do except yourself.
Hurt people hurt others. Old wounds need time and energy to heal. Give yourself that mental space you deserve and need. Among people who understand and appreciate you. Before you choose to fully engage with strangers where you're just another username.
I remember in a movie someone asking their therapist if they were yet ready for a relationship.
The therapist advised :
Get a pot plant.
If that is still alive after a year, get a small pet.
If that is still alive after a year, then you are maybe ready to try a relationship.
As someone who lives with trauma and possesses some of the traits you describe, I cannot disagree more. You start out simply sounding elitist but then proceed to turn into a bully. Plain and simple. Maybe check yourself and your own shortcomings before passing such harsh judgments on people you know nothing about?
“So do yourself a favour and keep your toxic mindset and behavior to yourself. Stay off social media. You do enough damage in your own life to yourself and your loved ones. Keep it there. Please leave social media alone. The last thing people on here or any social media platform needs is the toxic virus that spreads from the empty cesspool you create in your wounded soul that you abandoned, neglected and refuse to nurture. A wounded soul you expect and even demand others dress and heal for you. That's ridiculous!”
Are you actually serious?! Because the vibe I get from your post is full of insecurity, hurt, and prejudice. Completely devoid of compassion! Are you sure it isn’t YOU who needs to rethink your place on a cuddle site? Because you clearly sound triggered. And the persona you are putting out there is the very last kind of person I would ever wish to entertain for cuddling. Maybe rather than feeling the need to kick people while they’re already down and spewing hate, consider posting about what you love. That’s how you find common ground. Let the light in, dude, and show people who have been hurt that maybe it’s not all bad out there. Because all this post does is validate their hesitation.
I still proceed with caution on here, and there are days I think about deleting my account altogether, in full awareness of the pain I am in. But why should I, if I’m upfront with everyone I encounter and this site is not about romantic relationships? I’ve met some pretty amazing people here, and we make each other laugh and feel connected. It’s a beautiful thing...and THAT’s what it’s all about. It’s not just about what you can get out of someone. People require investment, yes. Some require more time than others. If someone isn’t for you, move on! There are plenty of people out there. But why leave damage behind in the process when you can be kind?
Now I speak to the very people @Bles first addressed in this thread. You deserve to be here, too. No one has the right to tell you who you are or what you deserve. There is always space for you, no matter how scary the world can be. Your emotions are valid. Your trauma is valid. Your hesitation is valid. Trust yourself, and continue to CHOOSE yourself. You came to this site for a reason. Don’t give up till you find it. Maybe it redirects you to yourself, and you never meet anyone. That is fine. That is your choice. This is an OPEN community, and you are not obligated to satisfy anyone’s needs but your own. Stay brave, wade in the initial discomfort, and simply trust the journey. You deserve love, too. We ALL deserve love—platonic, romantic, self—any and all forms. @Bles deserves love and affection. And so do you. If in the end, this isn’t for you, then leave. But leave on your own terms. Leave without explaining yourself. Leave with a little more insight about yourself, and move onward to better things.
Love and light,
I’ve been told by plenty that they were in a very dark place and some even on the verge of suicide but this site showed them that there are people who care. It literally saved their lives. Are you saying they shouldn’t be here because they’re hurt? Some people don’t have friends to turn to and need that human connection on social media to push through. It’s not right for you to tell them all to bug off. If you have an issue with them, move on. They deserve to find a buddy too, just like you. Be kind, rewind.
I write a bunch of stuff and deleted it. Honestly, @LucyBlaze you summed it all up perfectly. Those that are feeling lonely / depressed, etc. Read what Lucy and @Sheena123 said... and ignore Bles. Don’t let her drag you down.
@Bles Did you write that post as a message to yourself?
@Bles I don't agree with some of your points and the tone of it because I find it somewhat too harsh.
My more in-depth thoughts about your post:
What I agree with is that you make some valid points about what essentially seems to be "energy vampires"/codependency. I think addressing these issues and encouraging others to work on it can be sufficient. However it seems extreme to demand and or ask that they leave social media for being needy. Instead of making the decision to distance yourself from them when you need to.
However I can see how that can just continue them on the same path of not knowing why everyone is just leaving after some time, too. And why they can't seem to keep the same people around much. It's tough. Maybe just helping people to recognize these self-sabotaging traits, and or to seek professional help is enough to help them go on a journey of self-improvement, while they also have access and support to social media that a part of them would need anyway: because nobody is perfect and can be forever 100% self-reliant. One of the ways of helping could be done by sharing helpful things related to mental health, and self improvement with them/on your social media. Especially if the things you shared are things that have helped you, and most of all not going at people from the point of view of* their doctor. Even mental health professionals shouldn't diagnose anyone who isn't their patient.
And as for the average person, we can just distance from individuals that we find draining, toxic, etc. Unless they are actually harassing us then that's a whole other case. And we can try to let them know in a compassionate way what we feel/think about the relationship we have with them. As someone who has healed from one or two of what you mentioned, I can see from a perspective of not currently battling and recognize some of the valuable points in your post. Though for those who have yet to heal, I think I can understand why the harsh presentation of your post can feel like, yet another push in the wrong direction.
A little personal experience:
I used to have a guy who used to call me and constantly seem to just talk about himself. Even when I had listened for quite some time and tried to have my turn, he got mad claiming I'm interrupting. Then and there I told him along the lines of how I've been listening for so long, and that I too need to have a turn. I think he apologized, and while still not perfect because of so and so, our communication has gotten better since that conversation. Sometimes it's not that a person is self-centered, maybe they've been lonely for so long and the moment they can talk with someone they find that they lose control. Or they are used to speaking with people who they can get away talking like that to, or who generally just like to listen. So when they meet someone like myself, just telling them first in a nice way that such doesn't fly with me, can help.
I wouldn't expect people on social media to be whole. Being on Facebook for any given amount of time tells a completely different story. In fact, if people want to be whole, it might help to stay off Facebook.
Social media is certainly a bad place to find truthful news. Every possible opinion is repeated so often and strongly, that it is easy to become convinced of anything.
If one found 20 books in a library, saying the same thing, that would seem believable ; unless one considered that the library had 20 billion books, and hence 20 on each of a billion theories. Some of which can be dangerous to oneself and / or others.
@LucyBlaze I think I hear you say you feel unfairly judged, condescended to and emotionally assaulted. That expressing one's opinion with compassion and deeper understanding and respect for others and their different needs are values you hold very dear. You also feel empathy for the OP whose strong offensive tone projected insecurity, prejudice and a general disregard for interpersonal diversity. And you are looking for a more measured approach in how one addresses individuals with past trauma as it relates to how they are interacted with and perceived.
And you made two points that succinctly captured my premise beneath all the "noise" you heard:
One "chooses". There's always a choice. A choice to invest in oneself first so that one can appreciate what it means to invest in others. A choice to use one's pain as an opportunity for life long learning and growth. However one chooses to do that is one's perogative.
And one is not obligated to fill anyone's needs. Just as no one is obligated to fill another's. We are not appliances to be used at each other's convenience. We are filled vessels ready to share: give and receive. It really does go both ways.
@Sheena123 I think I hear you say you felt dismissed, scolded and misrepresented by the tone and opinion expressed by the OP. Being fairly characterised and treated as well as the catharsis that sometimes comes from connecting within a like minded community is something that matters to you. And you are looking for some reasoned, fair and open minded discussion that reflects in some level the experiences you have had or witnessed through the accounts of others in this community.
No I'm definitely not saying that people should not come here because they hurt. I'm saying people should choose to invest in their healing and therapy as their primary focus even as or if they engage social media. With particular reference to this site, be open and honest about where you are and ways that you hurt when engaging others. But do not project such pain on others in a way that makes them feel "responsible" for making you feel good or better.
@Dante_S It sounds like you feel disturbed, offended and repelled and even curious by the tone and sentiments expressed by the OP. Understanding and compassion for others and their life circumstances are important to you. Lifting others up when they're down is an important part of their healing. Just as putting our own needs first and choosing ourselves. Healing starts within and is nourished from without.
And this is more a "mirror" to myself as well as others than it is a message. It is a reflection of the different colors of the spectrum that is our collective humanity. It offers insight and opportunity. If you wish to see it.
@Lovelight I think I hear you felt disagreement and strong emotion as well as a sense of agreeance with and validation of the OP's thoughts. That fairness and balance in discussing topics of this nature is an approach you prefer. And you're also seeking a more constructive offering of ideas around how one can help oneself to heal and engage with others without sucking too much of their energy. Or making one's engagement with them the ultimate tool and source of feeling better about themselves.
@Grace_Anna It sounds like you felt disagreement. That being realistic and practical when it comes to social media is an approach you've come to adapt. That people aren't perfect. Hence it's highly unlikely one will find a "whole" person who seemingly has it all together. People are constantly trying to figure out the little pieces in their lives with the hope of achieving some "wholeness". Many choose to do so on social media. Many don't. That's okay. It's how you choose "you" and how that shows up as you engage with others.
@geoff1000 It sounds like you felt curious. Exploring different sources of knowledge and understanding is useful as long as one doesn't "swallow" them whole. There are certainly many theories on various social media platform that seek to explain every facet of human behavior. That seek to put labels on such behaviors. The challenge is to balance these at times competing ideas with our own needs as individuals. Invest in ourselves deeply enough to have our own unique ideas. Ideas that can help us and others heal and thrive. Rather than encourage disengagement and unfair characterizations of people.
Well I certainly enjoyed reflectively reading and responding to each of your posts. Thank you all for your responses.
I am here for the journey of learning, healing and growing and whatever else comes along. I like to encourage deeper conversations in these forums that many consider taboo. I love the insight and perspectives that ooze from these different conversations. The disagreements the back and forth deliberations and arguments. That is part of the interaction. It is the part of the interaction that makes the experience on any social media platform a transformative one. If you let it. If you allow yourself to be "triggered" every now and then just for the sake of gaining deeper insight into who you are and what makes you tick. Perhaps you may even find that being "triggered" by what someone said reveal biases in your self you never even thought you had.
That's the vision behind this post. Did I have to be so harsh in the tone? Absolutely not! Did it trigger negative emotions and past hurt and or trauma in people? Sure it did. But that's also part of the experience of growing and learning.
Is it not also just as important to real healing by talking about the stuff that triggers us, that we would rather not talk about?
And it's not about judging or being prejudiced toward anyone. The choice of words and phrasing could have been better: more politically correct and culturally sensitive.
Sometimes stuff just needs to be said outside of the realm of political correctness and cultural sensitivity. After all it's just an expressed opinion from a username you know nothing and may never know anything about. One is always free to respond and or react as one feels.
"And it's not about judging or being prejudiced toward anyone. The choice of words and phrasing could have been better: more politically correct and culturally sensitive.
Sometimes stuff just needs to be said outside of the realm of political correctness and cultural sensitivity. After all it's just an expressed opinion from a username you know nothing and may never know anything about. One is always free to respond and or react as one feels."
I think such harshness is seldom necessary and certainly not in this case. It is possible to be right and speak kindly, wrong and still speak kindly. Kindness isn't about being politically* correct, nor incorrect. Though you seem to have a lot of frustration, and perhaps even hurt with the topic you brought up, which causes you to speak this harshly. Hopefully you'll take a step back if you see fit, and do your part in dealing with whatever situation and emotions that seem to be causing you to speak this harshly.
This thread was started as an exploration of ways in which one is affected and or impacted by social media when hurting. The harsh tone in the language used along with the persistent use of the pronoun "you" which felt condescending and personally attacking was unintended. For anyone who felt unfairly attacked, mocked and or judged it was not intentional. I apologize for the negative triggers of emotion and any re injury of tenderly healing emotional and mental wounds my tone may have caused.
Having reviewed the original post as written as well as the numerous posts expressing various individuals reactions to it I felt a self deprecating sense of remorse and regret. I thought of removing the entire thread within the allowed 24 hour window. But I changed my mind. I instead re read and reread and reviewed my original post from as many angles as I could and decided to do a follow-up counter post to balance the tone expressed in the first.
By going through the thought process of doing that I gained insight into my own feelings and thoughts. I realized that I was not only triggering emotions and thoughts in others I did not desire nor intend I was also doing so in myself. It did not feel good.
I also received private messages from members who encouraged me to leave the site and "heal". Again I was triggered by my own remorse and long term feeling of being an oddity , especially in this social media world. It's a feeling I found difficult to shake until I discovered self talk. Then that created other issues because I often would use the third person as @Sheena123 accurately pointed out. And at other times my own unresolved and ambivalent feelings toward my own unmet needs and past experiences with others both on CC and other social media platforms projected strongly and at times confusingly in passive aggressive ways as @pmvines noted.
To be fair and transparent going forward as I seek to follow my own advice offered and littered in this thread, I will choose to own my actions as noted by the posters mentioned above as well as those who honestly responded to the original post. It's unnecessary. It's disturbing. It's confounding. It's disrespectful to myself and the sanctity of the CC community and it undermines the spirit of fair-minded, respectful, compassionate and thoughtful conversation and interaction. It definitely doesn't feel good so it further injures old wounds and generate unhealthy vibes all together among all concerned.
I am indeed a work in process: always striving to make sense of my own sensitivities while reflecting positively and constructively to others as much as I can. That's mainly why I joined this site. I am working through the invariable emotions and thoughts that one goes through when one lives alone and friendless. I'm not making excuses for myself. I'm not eliciting sympathy nor empathy for myself. And I'm not trying to write anything that reads and feels like crap to naturally intelligent people. Not by a long shot. It's just a brief factual description of my life as is. That's all. My seemingly passive aggressive diatribe to others is my constantly self checking and revising my own thoughts and feelings from moment to moment. My restless mind never sleeps. It's my constant companion that I have to stop and reign in constantly. I still fail miserably at that. But I'm still working hard at it. I make no excuses for myself. And I can also be naturally self deprecating. It's one of the ways I self humour and stay positive and focussed on the positive.
I am also a work in progress. I'm using sites like these and the interactions that forums such as this one offers me to get the constructive feedback and insights my friendless existence does not offer me otherwise. In addition to my self check in on my journalling app ,I have found the conversations in this forum particularly helpful in helping me to address my own unmet need for the deeper insights that the interaction with others bring. I have had the privilege also of experiencing that in private messaging with a few members. So I'm using my insights more constructively to "mirror" my own thoughts and feelings through others. To address me in a more compassionate and thoughtful way by owning my BS and learning from it as I'm doing now.
By doing so I'm also making myself a social experiment of sorts by laying bare my vulnerabilities for others to see and hopefully take their own insights from. That's been the more encouraging side to it for me. Having members private message me and share their own experiences that many of my posts reminded them of or gave the courage to finally talk about. And this past weekend since I posted this thread I've also had members done the same from different angles: roundly scolding me, acknowledging a few of the points that resonated with them and showing concern for my mental and emotional health. So yes there are consequences to putting myself out there the way I have. And I see them as opportunities to learn, grow and hopefully thrive. Perhaps to even "heal" unacknowledged or subconscious wounds from my past. Whatever my deal is I'm in it for the journey. The experience of transforming myself into a better person and human being. That's my goal moving forward.
As always thanks to all for your comments. Rest assure I have taken them seriously with thought and further consideration. And having explored my thoughts on this topic of navigating social media while hurting, I have released my own dopamine and serotonin in the process of using my cerebral muscles. It is what I have for now.
That sounds a bit severe. Maybe you should just help the OP to be less adversarial and unequivocal.
One should certainly be very careful on Social Media when hurt, as one should be very careful everywhere. However, I think this forum is more friendly than Social Media in general, so is a better place for those who are hurt.
@Bles why do you always talk about yourself in third person..?.. I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or not but you’ve done this in other posts. Some people have a normal conversation of how they disagree with you and then you start spewing venom about yourself.
This is what you said:
This thread does not deserve to remain here. It should be closed now! OP should also be banned from the site. She neither needs nor deserves to be here. She owes no one anything and no one owes her anything. She needs to go. She does not belong here. She only deserves herself and the toxic slime that lives in her.
If you think you don’t NEED to be here or deserve to be here, then leave. This is your choice but you’re making it sound like someone completely different posted this and that the moderators need to act immediately! Stop being so confusing. I may not agree with half the crap you say if not all of it, but you deserve to be here too. Just stop.
Or perhaps can stop the third person passive aggressive diatribes
If one is hurting from past trauma, rejection, unresolved emotional pain, (un) diagnosed mental illness and so on, there are many useful ways one can navigate social media. Useful and healthy ways of interacting with others without projecting one's pain on to another or using unhealthy attachment styles to build mutually beneficial connections with others.
Here are some healthy and constructive ways to interact with others on social media when hurt:
Own yourself: your desires, your needs, your feelings, your specific circumstances and define each one as you need to.
Be open and honest about yourself with others when you meet them. Always with the intention to "invite" them in as well as to give them the freedom to be themselves as they choose. That is, to give yourself permission to let them feel and see you as you are. And for them to be comfortable enough in turn do the same for you, in their own time and unique way.
Respect boundaries as explained and agreed upon between parties.
Be patient with oneself and others. You are hurting. You will have off moments and so will they. They also have their unique struggles. Be compassionate with yourself as equally as you are with others.
Check in with your feelings every now and then. And be honest but not mean and brutal with yourself. As you are a work in process and hopefully in progress. Use positive affirmative language with yourself as you work through your moments: both off and on. If you have someone you trust check in with them as you need to for another perspective. If you don't that's okay. That's what journal apps are for. Install one and use it to track and explore your experiences as you feel, think and live them.
Ask yourself objective questions:
What was going on for me when I reacted at such time? What were my specific triggers? What can I do differently moving forward and how?
Maintain open communication with others about how you're feeling and when. You're hurting. It's okay. Let others know your "triggers" and what they can do to help you avoid or manage these triggers. Doing so helps them to feel invested in the connection with you. And you do the same for them. Check in with them occasionally as per agreed on boundaries re communication. Make it a habit to be you and be real with your feelings, thoughts,or needs and desires at anytime as you need to. If you need to check out for a while, say so. Just don't cut off folks and isolate because you're feeling down. Let them know. So when you shut off they understand what's going on. And let them do the same.
Seek professional help as you need to. If you feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed there are tons of resources through community organizations and employers from which to get the help you need. Tons more on the internet: free chats, free consultations with reputable mental health professionals.
Build healthy reaction to rejection. It is only as personal as you make it. Try new hobbies. It's okay if you feel no desire one day and a fit of motivation the next. Challenge yourself to small new interests at a time. Doesn't have to cost a lot. Just to keep your mind focussed on you, on what's going on for you rather than what is not.
Make giving and living the goal and part of the journey rather than the ultimate source and destination. Message and interact with others for the experience: good or bad. So in case the connection fails or fades you don't feel you have lost or been short changed. Again keep checking in with yourself.
Remember you are never alone. Even when it feels like it. Try as many social media sites as you can. Never settle for any single or particular one. Test out your comfort levels as you constantly check in with and take care of yourself. Explore a variety of experiences even those that take you out of your comfort zone. There's so much to learn. So much insight to gain. Even as you hurt. And eventually all of the above-mentioned becomes a part of your living habitat.
Always remember to breathe.
And also we open or close a conversation or connection with by how we act and react towards them and vice versa.
I am thinking of the insight I gained from how I started the original post in this thread to the range of reactions others made to it based on how they felt or where they are in their life journey. And how I in turn reacted to their reactions directly and indirectly. And then how others reacted to my counter reactions. Initially my tone limited the conversation then some what shut it down. Then I shut down with an emotional response which shifted the conversation back to me. That gave me an opportunity. An opportunity to address myself and actions as projected by my emotional response. An opportunity to redirect the conversation to original post and offer a counter post to it.
This I hold up as a kind of mirror to how our actions towards others as we hurt does not have to cause pain to another. It does not have to result in wasting other's time and creating discord and disconnection as highlighted in the original post.
How we act can close or open the door to real, honest,person to person ,heart to heart conversations and possibly lasting meaningful connections. It just depends on how much of our own BS we can and want to admit and acknowledge and change while allowing others to do the same without trying to manipulate or leverage others emotions.
When all is said and done with threads like these SILENCE is often the best response.
Especially when one strongly disagrees with or experiences a strong reaction to or is just completely uninterested either because of what is being said or who the poster is perceived to be.
That's indeed one of the beauty of choice when it comes to the digital space of social media. There are many many ways to respond meaningfully and with measured effect. Sometimes just ignoring or being persistently SILENT with some people sends the most powerful message about how and what they say are perceived.
Just as persistently not responding to someone's text or email message IS responding in a way that says " I'm not interested". And it is a far more powerful response than a verbal or written one.
More of us should utilize SILENCE when we decide whether or not or how to respond to something someone posts. Especially if we have a negative reaction to it and find it a challenge to respond appropriately.