Dropping Huge Loads of Problems

Hello, dear reader. I've got some questions for you: to what extent are you comfortable hearing about your cuddle partner's worries, crises, and so on?

Do you enjoy listening to a fellow cuddler's issues? Or would you rather them keep such things to themselves? How much unfortunate information is too much for you?

Many would likely say that we're living in difficult times. Do you expect your cuddle partner to show some degree of interest in your woes?

Personally, I prefer companionable silence.

Oh, these are good questions.

I think I've mentioned on here before that I like listening to other people's problems. Just listening, mind you! I enjoy holding somebody close while they unburden themselves of all sorts of worries and woes. Not trying to fix them. Not offering solutions, not trying to tell my buddy things "aren't that bad"—just letting them get it all out while I make understanding, listening noises and cuddle them.

The quantity of woe has never bothered me: I'm just as happy with a little distress as I am with a lot. But I am rather picky about quality. I don't enjoy wailing that doesn't take into account imperfection on the wailer's part. Blame yourself too, at least a little!

This is purely personal preference, of course.

Not many people can even halfway rationally blame themselves for being caught in a global pandemic, for instance—sometimes self-castigation simply isn't sane, and I do like it best when it's at least halfway reasonable. Still.

As far as expecting my cuddle buddy to listen to my problems goes, well.... It would be nice if they were interested enough to listen the way I do, and even better if they could give me ideas for solving my problems if (and only if) I asked for solutions, but I can't say I expect it. A cuddle buddy's just a cuddle buddy, after all; not a therapist. The people I've met through this site have just been, you know, cuddle buddies: people with whom to trade platonic affectionate touch and get your skin hunger fed.

Emotional catharsis is, I think, more of an optional extra.

At least for me.

geoff1000

I'm OK hearing woes, if I feel I can help, even by just being there. If it is cathartic, rather than just reopening the wounds.

Offering my woes, is more usually to briefly explain why I'm not as "present" as I should be.

Sometimes it helps to have confirmation that a problem is unsolvable, but that's usually done at an intellectual level.

I think I agree that discussion should mostly be done before actually cuddling, which is probably better in silence ; the whole point about touch as a communication medium, is that it doesn't need any active effort, such as looking, listening or talking. It's a way to unplug one's brain from the world, similar to sleeping.

Ice-cream is a nice part of a meal, but it's best to enjoy that after finishing the main course.

pmvines

@DarrenWalker you are right to allow someone to voice their problems without trying to fix them . the best thing as a hospice social worker I could do for my patients families when I was doing hospice was to allow them to just grieve and talk and let things out . I couldn't fix their grief. Nobody could. But being present while they were going through it all and listening to them and hearing them without trying to fix them really helped.

SuperManCuddles

@pmvines I agree as a mental health counselor. Active listening and showing interest in what our clients have to say greatly helps them. @UltimateChungus As far as cuddle buddies, I listen no matter what they want to talk about and try to support the best that I can. I find that it makes the cuddle/friendship experience stronger.

cuddleaddict

A person who relates thier troubles may very well be looking for help. Platonic physical contact puts one at ease with a trusted person, and they may well open up to them with problems they wouldn't feel comfortable relating to anyone else. You can help them by listening & try to ease thier anxiety by relaxing them in ways they find soothing.

geoff1000

@DarrenWalker
@pmvines
@FishCuddles
I'll try to remember that when I'm feeling that I'm not helping much. 👍

Sometimes if I can't think of a word, or a movie character's name, I ask someone. Often mid-question the answer pops into my head, so I complete the question with a thanks for their help. Those who are familiar with this, kinda understand that them just being there, was enough.

In "A Fish Called Wanda", Michael Palin is struggling to say something with his bad stutter. Jamie Lee Curtis stops him, and kisses him on the mouth, and when she breaks away he speaks perfectly for a few seconds.

Cuddling perhaps helps us to put minor problems into perspective, so we can more easily tackle them intellectually. "I have this, so I don't have to worry so much about losing that." It is much easier to walk along the tightrope, when there's a safety net ; or to win at cards when there's no money at stake. At the end of "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" Indy isn't so bothered about losing it, because he has Marion on his arm.

PeopleLikeUs

Just like I have no gender preference or body type preference, I have no word preference either... that is, if words are involved.

UKGuy

I believe it's a compliment when someone confides their problems because it's an indication of mutual trust. However, like anything else, when it becomes excessive (as your subject title infers) then it becomes a burden. Some people can handle that burden better than others.

littermate

I listen for a living and I notice people notice that capacity and more or less consciously go for it in my presence. There's nothing too heinous or too deeply emotional for me to hear. Someone can sob in my arms without me thinking twice. I'm also quite curious about people and will ask about them. I like real. I like deep. However, I prefer the interest and attention be mutual vs largely one way, or mostly unconscious continuous dry chatter on their part.

One of my favorite cuddle times was when my daughter called during a cuddle having passed out in the hallway of her dorm from a severe flu. My cuddle pal is a dad and he held me and brainstormed with me while I was on with her. It was the sweetest thing. And I loved hearing about his life and struggles and actively asked him about stuff.

I love deep real relating as much as I love physical cuddling. I can be silent, share, or listen. I have lots of settings. But really getting to be friends as well as physical nourishment is sweet to me.

Great question.

SixFootRedhead

That level of physical intimacy without a sexual component can be an emotional experience, regardless of how long you've been doing it.

I am an active listener, sometimes I try to offer a different perspective or my own. I am not a trained therapist but I have worked with people/difficult populations my whole life. I know how to listen.

Like @littermate, people seem to sense that in me so I've had more than one man crying in his beer at the bar next to me or a woman at a party unloading all her misery despite the fact that we just met. I am able to listen without taking on their burden myself - not everybody is. I think the most important thing is to know *your limits and how to effectively communicate them without shutting down conversation

xandriarain

I truly believe in cuddling as a safe space where anything can be talked about and I think it’s very normal and healthy to share what is going on in your life. I’ve personally never felt like someone was being overly negative or unloading too much on me. I think my favorite thing is to truly know I helped someone, but I am probably biased since I got my degree in psychology and wanted to be a therapist before I discovered cuddling. Sometimes I worry about sharing too much but a lot of times clients ask questions and things come up. I always try to ask before I unload.

sillysassy

What a FANTASTIC thread!! There are so many layers to this question. My answer is sometimes yes/sometimes no.

How “comfortable” I am has more to do with the connection that’s already established. I have cuddles where we both decide to leave the “black hole that is our life” outside the front door and focus solely on the snuggle.... I have really deep and insightful conversations whilst we are trying to solve the worlds problems kind of cuddles.... and some that are intense verbal downloads. Like a few have already said.... being a safe space for people to talk and process externally is lovely as long as it goes both ways and what I am always hopeful for is balance. ALWAYS the balance. I find this comes with communication most often.

I don’t want to EXPECT anything from a cuddle except basic human decency which I imagine is defined differently for everyone.

Personally, I love all the different flavors of snugglers. 🧡🍁🍂

Btw @UltimateChungus your profile pic is extremely interesting!!! I can’t tell what it is though. Would you share??

geoff1000

I do like the exchange in a movie, where a man explains that a true man can cry with a woman.
The second man explains that he cried recently, so the first man asks if he was with a woman at the time.
The second man replies, "No. That's why I was crying".

A principle of science is that measuring something, changes it ; so it is very hard for a woman to know how unhappy a man is when alone. Kinda like opening a fridge door always stops it being so dark inside.

@UltimateChungus

Just speaking for me during a cuddle session my buddy can tell me anything. Honestly don’t care...love a good story or silence. What I need is your body and time😁 Don’t even care what you do just the way you feel.
Not a big talker so won’t reciprocate. Start daydreaming about nothing and allow my other senses to take over. I am always refreshed but relax. I find cuddling sometimes purging.

Cuddling community is the only place where I have experienced so many different kinds of people. Different social circles, beliefs, political views would otherwise cause us to never meet but within the cuddle community irrelevant.

You can talk but I’m more concerned about how you feel physically to me and mutual comfort. @UltimateChungus you should put in your bio what you want in regards to conversation. Talk to your cuddle buddy prior to meet so the two of you have realistic expectations. I learned that sometimes people need different things in a cuddle session and chat prior about what those are before so you are on the same page.

@sillysassy

I made a helmet out of various boxes and pieces of packaging. It's meant to look robotic.

I was very bored while at work one night.

sillysassy

That helmet is so cool Mr. @UltimateChungus very very creative amidst the boredom. Definitely robotic in nature. I may have to reciprocate with a similar one staged in my home.... (from my son's boredom as opposed to mine.....)

@lovelyhugs I love this part.....

Cuddling community is the only place where I have experienced so many different kinds of people. Different social circles, beliefs, political views would otherwise cause us to never meet but within the cuddle community irrelevant.

I completely agree.... the SNUGGLES bring us together where we might have NEVER crossed paths in real life. YES! Sometimes it makes it perfect to leave the struggle outside and sometimes it helps us find a way to connect about so many different things.

TouchSanctuary

I've cuddled with people who talked the whole time and shared lots of personal struggles, and others who talked very little or were mostly silent. Either is completely fine for me! Listening and giving emotional support is an important part of professional cuddling - the touch helps people regulate their nervous systems while they talk about difficult or traumatic topics. While I am not a trained psychologist, I know many do use touch as part of their practice for this very reason.

geoff1000

I remember once discussing a very painful topic while cuddling, and the situation really did help. It was like a soldier stripping and cleaning his rifle, while safely in barracks where he felt able to let down his guard for a while.

Perhaps it is that ( gross generalisation warning ⚠ ) when hetro opposite-sex couples cuddle : the woman feels physically safe, and the man feels emotionally safe. Other arrangements can be helpful, but perhaps less so. In homosexual arrangements, the roles are much more fluid.

The "utility" of a resource increases, the less of it you have, and when you are really short of it, even a little is very valuable.

@geoff1000: Hmm. I didn't think much about it before, but I do feel pretty darn emotionally safe around @UltimateChungus.

Physically safe... well, I figure the pair of us could take on anybody who, I dunno, broke into the place while we were gaming or something. Right? Better than either of us could alone, anyway. So I guess we do that for each other, though physical safety isn't really something I think about while cuddling. Unless I'm cuddling somebody I haven't known for a decade, in which case I put more thought into whether my new buddy's gonna attack me than into whether they could defend me if somebody else attacked.

@sillysassy: That "helmet" is a piece of trash. [beat] You should see me in it!

---

Edit:

Absolute garbage, I tell you.

TouchSanctuary

I should probably add however that if someone confided something that I felt would benefit from professional therapy, I would refer them to someone qualified in that area. Severe trauma/PTSD or serious mental illness is not something I can treat with platonic cuddle therapy. I do think that people with PTSD, trauma and mental illness can benefit from it as a complementary treatment, but it shouldn't be relied upon as a primary form of treatment.

TouchSanctuary

Perhaps it is that ( gross generalisation warning ⚠ ) when hetro opposite-sex couples cuddle : the woman feels physically safe, and the man feels emotionally safe. Other arrangements can be helpful, but perhaps less so. In homosexual arrangements, the roles are much more fluid.

That's an interesting point @geoff1000 - it could partially explain why there are so few women enthusiasts on here. If a woman doesn't feel physically safe cuddling with random men, what benefit does she get from it? The man might feel the benefit of emotional safety, but the woman is unlikely to get the benefit of feeling physically safe and protected unless it's in the context of a long-term friendship or relationship with a man she knows and trusts.

@DarrenWalker

Unbeknownst to you, every time I hear a strange sound from outside I feel an intense desire to bite anything that's close by. I manage to get a grip on myself, but one day...who knows?

@UltimateChungus: "Two boys bit each other to death last Thursday in what appears to have been a severe overreaction to their joint struggle with a particularly frustrating video game. The shredded remains of their bodies were discovered after neighbors posted Instagram photos of themselves painting their faces with what they believed was fake blood coming from under the apartment door. According to the information onscreen, the young men had 'died' over 200 times without managing to clear their current level...."

quixotic_life

@DarrenWalker ~ "Absolute garbage..." I love it!

One's trash is another's treasure. ~ has a 15 sec intro

Cinephile77

A quick aside? The title of the thread raised my double-entendre radar!

My impression of a cuddle session is that it should be a safe space, physically and spiritually. Sometimes we have a lot of things in our lives that weigh upon us. The process of talking about it can be therapeutic, as well as knowing that someone is listening. But emotional intelligence is key to getting a feel for the situation.

I think what you can talk about and how much is completely dependent on the rapport with your cuddle partner. Having some self awareness about what you're sharing is important here. Try to be cognizant of just what and how much you're sharing. And if you're doing the listening? Empathy and acceptance are key. In the same respect I do not think someone sharing with you equates to them asking you to solve their problems. And there's consideration for your cuddle partner, too. Some people have varying levels of capacity for dealing with other people's baggage.

I've been able to share some personal things with cuddle partners. And it feels good to get some things off your chest. But I also try to be present. Being in the moment, focused on where you are and what you're doing are therapeutic, too.

I do not think this is a one size fits all kind of situation. Use your judgement wisely.

JLD

I have no problem listening to someone. I would want the same in return. It adds depth to the experience.

FlyingToaster

I wouldn't mind hearing about a cuddle partner's problems & worries. Cuddling normally helps us feel better, and as has been said by others, I think it should be a safe space where we can talk about problems & worries.

On the other hand, I've been going through somewhat of a hard time lately, and I'm not sure I'd want to burden someone with it.

littermate

I wanna try the helmet!

@Cinephile77 What they said.

I prefer to minimize venting about issues during a cuddle. Until I am regularly seeing a fellow enthusiast, I don’t want to be expected to vent about issues a lot nor do I want to open myself up to more of that than I might be able to tolerate.

My virginity taker has nothing but deteriorated both mentally and physically since we were together years ago. Due to her abandonment issues and much more severe depression than I’ve ever had, and my long history of codependency, I felt that ghosting her was the only way to stop her from pulling me down with her. Two depression sufferers, neither of whom have affordable access to therapists during the COVID-19 pandemic, need not be talking when one is effectively medicated (me) and the other isn’t (her). I recently (September 2020) ported my longtime phone number to Google Voice which does not allow me to type in a number and click “block”. Hopefully I don’t hear from her because all I could do is re-block. No matter how many times I reply, “Sorry to hear that 😐” , she’s only gonna feel the same or worse. Eventually the venting has to stop and a pleasurable moment has to be focused on.

I recently had to apply this minimizing of venting in a non-affectionate touch setting: StretchLab. My Flexologist seems to be the best listener in my life right now, but another Flexologist in the same studio claims one of my supervisors as his best friend. I feel like I can’t vent about work at all when I’m at StretchLab because word will get back to work through that other Flexologist.

The worst way to ever have long conversations in which venting occurs is texting. Long text conversations, especially those consisting predominantly of negativity, will always remind me of my virginity taker who is equally toxic as a friend as she was as a lover.

sillysassy

@DarrenWalker and @UltimateChungus hahahhha Omgosh.... the ULTIMATE battle!!! 😂😂😂

Omgosh!!!! The funniest thing EVER is how much room is left in that helmet compared to the other Mister!!!!! 😂😂😂