Do you feel rejection...

ChibiShema

When a cuddle buddy or even all of your cuddle buddies (if you’re lucky enough to have more than one) are all busy cuddling other people during a period of time when you feel especially lonely and really need support. For example: Its been two weeks and both cuddlers seem to be distracted with new guys and can’t make time “squeeze” you in for an appointment.

Sidenote here. I struggle with rejection and loneliness. What are some techniques people use to handle the strong negative emotions?

In my experience, being rejected or neglected by someone else hurts because it shows so clearly that you're not valued highly by the person in question—other things and people are more important. You're worth less.

I started dealing with this sort of thing early on, so here's how a little kid handles it: remember that value is subjective.

I'm worth less to them, which doesn't mean I'm worthless in general. I can't expect other people to put my wishes (or even my needs) above their own needs (or even their own desires). It's not a realistic expectation. I'll always be worth less to others than I am to myself.

That might seem depressing, but when you're young enough to not have any really solid expectations about life, it's easier to accept it as a simple fact and move on to the inevitable conclusion:

If I'm going to be valued, the one to do the valuing is going to be me.

This gives you a lot of power! So the people you rely on aren't there for you? That's okay. You're there for you. So they've turned away from you when you needed them most? Fine. Stop needing them. Stop relying on them. They're not dependable? Don't depend on them. Enjoy them when they're available, and take care of yourself on your own when they're not.

I recommend good books, warm blankets, lots of pillows, and a hot water bottle if you can get one. Substitutes for human contact may never be as good as the real thing, but they're better than nothing!

I don’t feel rejected by my cuddle partners because they don’t feel rejected from me. I don’t always have a schedule for cuddling and on occasion I my have a relationship that’s doesn’t allow for me to cuddle and my cuddle partners always support that so when it’s time for me to cuddle again I always feel welcome.

sunnysideup

@ChibiShema Well, first I'd start with that many people on here haven't met anyone, so your position is envious to them, believe it or not.

It's best to be grateful for what we have, and not to expect too much. Seems to be a general recipe for happiness, though that may not help you much if you've been struggling with the pain of rejection for a while. And I know that's hard to do when things seem to not go your way, time after time again.

But I too struggle with this. I would feel a little rejected and undervalued, and I'd wonder "what's so wrong with me, am I not good enough?." Then I have self reflect to fix my self-esteem. Like Darren said, it doesn't mean that you're worthless, you just value them more than they value you at that time, for whatever reason. Ideally, our relationships with others should be on equal, or as close to equal footing as possible to ensure the best outcomes for both parties. If someone undervalues my time, I will return the sentiment. The most important person you need to value you, is you.

ChibiShema

Wow @DarrenWalker thank you for your words! What a gift they are!

xelda

Yes, I feel lonely and rejected sometimes. If it's a relationship I value, while it may make it extra ouchy, it's also extra important that I don't do things that will damage the relationship in the long run. I check to see if there's anything I can do that will make it different, and if there isn't, I may have to de-prioritize it a little while I beef up my other relationships, including the one with myself.

I practice gratitude, acceptance, and self compassion. I remind myself that I strongly value consent, which means that I have to accept the other person's choice, even if it means I miss out on their company and experience loneliness and rejection because of it. I try to stay positive, realistic, understanding and "be the change I want to see in the world".

In concrete terms, sometimes I cry, pout, have little temper tantrums, eat too much or watch too much Netflix. Other times I double down on self care and meditate, cultivate new relationships, revitalize old ones, paint, spend time in nature, and use various professional services like therapy, massage, acupuncture, energy healers.

Reaching out like you have can help you feel less alone and give you the strength to do the things mentioned here. Strong emotions are not a fault; they just are part of being human. No one really likes them, but it can be an opportunity to grow.

TouchSanctuary

I think it's totally natural to struggle with feelings of rejection and loneliness, and it sounds like a really hard spot to be in. That said, most enthusiasts say that platonic cuddling friendships tend to be casual and short-lived on average, so it's not unusual to be in a situation like yours. I just share this to help you remember this is normal and you're not the only one experiencing this.

Generally if I'm in a situation where I feel lonely or rejected, it helps to reach out and talk to a friend, do some EFT tapping, journal about it, practice self soothing touch (e.g. a foot massage), do some prayer/meditation, or listen to music. Exercise, getting out in nature and doing creative projects can be helpful distractions as well. I hope you find some tools which help!

BotWithFeelings

Yes. All the time. As for techniques, I don't know, loneliness is painful. Perhaps go for a drive, when your surrounding change you can get out of your head more. A temporary fix for sure but better than letting things get worse.

CuddleDuncan

I draw a distinction between actual rejection (which is relatively rare) and dropping down a place in somebody else's re-prioritisation (which is common, and is the circumstance the OP describes).

The latter isn't actually rejection at all.

BotWithFeelings

Actual rejection is common for me. @CuddleDuncan

CuddleDuncan

@lonelybutmaybe yeah, I've been there buddy, I feel your pain. I nearly wrote a longer version of that post, so now I will.

Actual rejection can be divided into two categories. Rejection by those who are genuinely important to you, and rejection by those who aren't.

The first of these is indeed rare. I'm talking about parents rejecting children, and people to whom the words, "I want a divorce" come as a blinding revelation.

The second is as common in your own life as you want it to be, and a balance must be struck. If you never send a message to a prospective cuddle buddy, you will never not receive a reply.

But what about when you do send a message, and get no reply. Is that a rejection? For me, it is not. Perhaps it might have been when I was a younger man, but now I recognise that some people will never reply to any message, and others will never reply to somebody with blue eyes, and many haven't even read my message because they have so many others.

How about, for example, when you get to know somebody attractive at work, create a good relationship, establish that they are single and then ... ask them out. Is that 'no' a rejection? Yes, but it is still of the second category, not the first. Although this person feels like somebody who is genuinely important to you because you have put so much effort in, in fact they are not. These ones sting like hell at the time - at least they do for me - but the pain passes quite quickly.

@DarrenWalker's advice is good. It turns out that that askees can unconsciously detect desperation in askers, and it makes them say no. In other words, the more you need or want somebody to say yes, the more likely they are to say no. You have to gain the internal strength to not need them, and then your hit rate will go up.

@CuddleDuncan: That's a good point. It's possible to feel rejected by someone when actually you've just lost a bit of importance to them.

Not expecting people to prioritize you eases the pain of both real and perceived rejection.

LyleLuvsHuggles

I just expect everyone to reject me that way I get a pleasant little surprise when someone doesn't.
Yeah I know, it ain't the healthiest coping mechanism but it works for me and that's all that matters.

BotWithFeelings

@CuddleDuncan @DarrenWalker I don't quite agree with your definition but I see your point. serious rejection is relatively rare. That is almost beside the point. You still have to deal with loneliness when you need support. You still have to deal with the feeling of not being good enough. Perceived or minor, the loneliness still hurts.

I also don't think that having someone think you're less important than you were before is just something casual and not a big deal. After all, don't we all need to feel like we are important to others. That we're needed?

(I am talking about a broader rejection and loneliness here, the sort that caused me join here in the first place)

ChibiShema

@CuddleDuncan this is good! I need to explore this. I avoid pain so much that I get stuck in some weird never leave the house loop.

cuddles_ndream

I could be completely wrong ... but I think that most of us who seek out cuddling do so because we have that empty void inside/ feeling of rejection / didn’t feel loved - nurtured - or cared for at one point in time (or many points at that) .... i think at some long / sooner or later / & some more than others feel rejection & loneliness ... the way i used to deal with it was very quietly / to myself / secretly hurting inside .... now I’m more outgoing, I’ll reach out to friends & family & tell them I would like to meet to grab a bite / have a beer / I’ll get online & look at my favorite blogs in the music world, or go to thread like this & participate- interact ,, finally, I have an understanding that I’m not the only one feeling like this, & it is completely normal ..... don’t know if I answered your question or got off topic but hope this helps.

@lonelybutmaybe: It's nice to be valued, yeah. Being important to someone else can give you a really good feeling. But do you actually need it? I've lived most of my life being unimportant to those around me (and often actively despised by them). Doesn't seem to have killed me.

At this point in time I think so many people are feeling isolated and lonely, and with Christmas fast approaching those feelings are often exacerbated. Having just moved to the US on my own I completely understand that feeling! For me I try to keep in mind with communities like this that relationships that are formed will probably only be casual and short-lived, despite how much you might connect with someone. And like it has already been said, your value is with you, and not with other people. That's something I had to learn a long time ago, it was probably one of the hardest things I had to learn!

Vodoom

All I usually get is rejection. Pretty much every facet of life. It's kind of part of me at this point. Oh well.

pmvines

The internet is full of rejection. Try to not allow online interactions determine your sense of self worth.

TheFunCartel

Rejection is usually out of your hands and is based on a whole lot of factors. Just move on and forget it because everyone practices rejection in their life in some form or another. We just don’t view it as rejection when we do it ourselves—we call it being picky or my gut says it isn’t right. Dwelling on rejection from an internet stranger means you have bigger issues than “rejection.”

CuddleDuncan

@lonelybutmaybe

You still have to deal with loneliness when you need support

Yes, but that's to do with loneliness, not rejection.

I also don't think that having someone think you're less important than you were before is just something casual and not a big deal

But mostly, they don't. That's the whole point. It's just that something else has become more important. You don't love your cat less just because you've got a new girlfriend, but is the cat going to get less attention? Yes it is. That's not rejection, that's just life.

That's why it's good to have several independent sources of support, several different friends, cuddle buddies, whatever. That's why you need to develop a sense of self-worth, so that when the statistics work against you and all of the friends are busy, you are still ok.

Rejection is the default. 95% of the time, everybody gets rejected. Jobs, dates, cuddle buddies, whatever. If you are being rejected 100% of the time for everything, then you need to do some self-reflection and apply to some different clubs. Find something that will not reject you, and start with that. Success breeds success.

littermate

I find that logic is generally an insufficient approach to feelings, which can be totally irrational and nevertheless, still wreck our day. Though it can help to use logic to see that someone choosing to not be with you doesn't necessarily mean you are the scum on the bottom of the universe's shoe, many of us can still FEEL that way despite reality. And just throwing logic at someone else as a way to talk them out of their feelings just makes them feel like shit when it doesn't work for them.

So I want to say, I hear ya. I feel ya. Doesn't it suck to be human sometimes. I'm human too. We may not be able to dispel the darkness but we can hang in here together going, yeah, maybe Buddha was right -- there's an aspect of life that is suffering.

IMO, the feeling realm is a whole realm that has its own rules and laws and world. It's also totally exacerbated by the thoughts that we think and the things we imagine, and the ways that we were treated when young. For one person, someone not wanting to hang can devastate them. For another, it's just like, okay, what movie shall I watch instead? And from one day to the next something slight can affect us differently based on what kind of day we're having. Our friend cancelling our cuddle can feel a lot worse on top of a day when we didn't get the part, our car broke down, and our cat is sick. And if we've had a hard life, if we haven't had the kind of parenting that instilled in us a sense of our own value, it can be really hard to get it up to feel good when someone blows us off.

I like to separate out emotions from the thoughts that create them or rise with them. To feel an emotion purely physically, it's just a set of sensations. If we allow them to have their way, it might result in us having a good cry or a good shake or a good fist-pounding, but essentially at that level, they are devoid of much meaning. Just a body doing what a body does. When we pair them with thoughts, I'm sad therefore I'm a wuss therefore I'm unloved therefore I suck or that person didn't want to cuddle me therefore I'm a reject just like I've always been a reject and life sucks and always will, then whatever we were feeling gets added to and pretty soon we want to jump off a bridge. But most of this happens at the unconscious level so the old man-up, suck-it-up, just-stop-being-stupid-and-then-you-won't-feel-bad is bullshit. Most of the worst feelings we can have are being generated by beliefs and stuff way before our conscious awareness. Still, it can be useful and potentially affect things a bit if we can start to bring the crazy thought chain up into consciousness and see the things we're concluding from the events we experience.

I like to let the body do what it feels like doing and stay away from giving my life's blood to the whacked thinking the mind does when it's under the influence of emotionality. I like to treat my own body like a precious pet and see what it wants if it's having a hard time -- to give it the care that it seems I was relying on others to provide for it.

I also in my day have thrown rocks, eggs, screamed, cried, ridden my bike hard, gone for a run, and created art, rented a sad movie and wailed. Whatever works to move the energy out of the body.

And finally, therapy. There's nothing like it for getting to the bottom of some of the consciousness-shaping stuff we've been lugging around for decades and learning a new way of being here.

Hugs to everyone. Human. Life hurts sometimes. Doesn't mean you're less because you're hurting. It means you're human.

FlyingToaster

@littermate I agree, feelings & emotions can be hard to deal with sometimes. But it's what makes us human. The worst feelings can leave us hurt, angry, depressed, etc., but the best feelings can leave us in a euphoric state. You just need to accept the good as well as the hurt sometimes.

There's an Edie Brickell song ("He Said") that deals with rejection - more along the lines of a relationship - but there are a couple of lyrics that, together, I think have a lot of truth & significance:

Oh, it's hard to love
Oh, it's hard not to love

littermate

@FlyingToaster Or learn to howl like Chewbacca. Which can totally come in handy.

I want to look that one up. So true.

TheFunCartel

@littermate +1. I grow very tired of logic being used to explain emotions, feelings and anything that is not physiological in nature in these forums and elsewhere. In the words of Forest Gump—“Sometimes there aren’t enough rocks”.

littermate

@FunCartel

FlyingToaster

@littermate

@FunCartel: Emotions and feelings are physiological in nature, though. I mean, it's not like the hormones, chemicals, neural activation patterns, etc. involved are supernatural.

The thing to remember is that being able to explain a thing is different from being able to control it—it helps to know why you're feeling rejected, for instance, but that may not be enough to make the feeling go away. More work is required (and sometimes just feeling the feeling until you come out the other end of it is indeed the way to go).

TheFunCartel

Didn’t even have time to set my stop watch

@FunCartel: Disagreeing with me so you can enjoy watching my mental pleasures isn't at all the same thing as disagreeing with me for no reason. Anyway, settle in.

It's good to remember that all feelings are physical, not just rejection (which I used as an example because of the thread we're in).

No emotion comes ghostly from the Other World, spiritual and untouchable. Feelings are physical things that affect us physically, created by and acting on our brains and the rest of our bodies. The limbic system doesn't exist in any kind of supernatural woo-woo land! Emotions are real.

That said, it's also good to remember that sometimes people are more interested in explaining than in assisting. Ooh, I'll miss what someone really needs, will I? The horror. Good thing you warned me.

Intuition, incidentally, is also a real thing....