I'm feeling very depressed and sorry for myself today and it feel self indulgent, especially when there are other people that have it worse than me. I know that other people having troubles doesn't lessen my own, and I'm sick of people saying that, like my depression is not valid because I'm not homeless, penniless, or in a bad relationship.
I'm also getting very tired of people dispatching toxic positivity- the ones who say things like 'look on the bright side', or 'think of five things you are grateful for' or my personal most hated- 'be positive and you'll feel better'.
I'm at war with myself because I'm a) invalidating my own feelings and b) not being kind to myself and allowing myself to work through what I am feeling. I have clinical depression and CPTSD (both officially diagnosed, depression in 2003, CPTSD in 2018) but I feel like I just have to pretend all is fine so people can feel like they helped me. Nothing helps at the moment.
I had to cut even more toxic people out of my life last year and it led to a bit of an identity crisis. I don't want to be linked to my birthgivers anymore, so I am changing my name by deed poll. After decades of mental and physical abuse and neglect, I don't want to feel like any part of me is still connected to them. I don't want them to have any claim to the adult I have become- they already took too much of me. I wanted to be my own creator, but so far I don't feel like I have done a good job of it. I have sought out therapy and have made a lot of progress in the last 18 months, but therapy over the phone during a global pandemic doesn't have the same effect as actually sitting face to face with someone. I also think that I might need some more specialist trauma therapy, but again, I don't know if the problem I have with not feeling like I am making progress is due to the therapist, or the situation.
The problem, I suspect, is that I officially started using my new name today and I don't feel any different. I was trying to convince myself that changing my name would mean that I had this instant renaissance where I would magically feel worthwhile and confident, but life doesn't work like that. The human mind doesn't work like that. I still feel angry, and scared and lonely and sad and desperately, DESPERATELY empty. I started my 'new life' exactly as I ended the last one, with very few friends, single, jobless, hating how I look and despising how I feel. In top of it I also feel disappointed in myself, like I have 'failed' again. That I'm not trying hard enough.
I don't expect a magic cure, because it doesn't exist. I guess I just wanted to rant. I know it's people's first response to offer advice but please don't- I already know that the best way for me to feel better at times like this is to be distracted- people expressing pity/empathy/sympathy just makes me spiral worse.
If you want a discussion about your favourite dinosaurs, or your zombie apocalypse escape plan, or to play 20 questions then that's cool though! I'm open to most things 😊