Dead Fish Cuddling

bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles
edited April 2021 in General

I've seen more than a few people on here mention that someone was a "dead fish" cuddler, often in a negative connotation. What exactly does that mean?

As far as I'm aware, cuddling is a mostly sedentary activity with not much movement. Sometimes a client will specifically ask for light touches, strokes, squeezes, massages, etc, but often times we're happy just laying still in each other's embrace. In fact, my most loyal cuddle client enjoys napping during our sessions.

If you are someone who had an unwanted "dead fish" cuddling experience, may I ask what about it you didn't like? Did you speak up and ask your cuddle partner to stroke you or alternate positions? Did they ignore your requests? Or did you just lie there unsatisfied afraid to speak up?

As a pro, it's important that my clients speak up for what they want. I take consent very seriously, so I never assume that someone wants to be stroked or touched anywhere unless they actually tell me that's what they want.

So what does "dead fish" mean to you? How can pros and enthusiasts alike avoid this seemingly offensive cuddling style? And how can we encourage others to speak up for what they actually want?

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Comments

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho

    In the past I’ve cuddled with a couple people who literally just lay on their back next to me and don’t really react to my touch. It’s pretty weird. Yes theoretically I could say “Hey, could you please do X, Y, or Z?” But really I want the person I’m cuddling to show some initiative and interest on her own, not just follow directions.

  • MarkBPhxMarkBPhx

    @bekah_cuddles I have not seen this term used before regarding cuddling, so I won't weigh in on what it means. I do want to acknowledge that you have stated your inquiry very succinctly, and I appreciate your personal examples.

  • bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles

    @CuddleWho Laying on their back? Now that seems really odd to me. The definition of cuddle is literally to "hold close in one's arms." If they're not even doing that at a minimum, are they even cuddling?

    Granted, I had one client who simply wanted companionship, so we played games and watched movies for a couple hours without touching hardly at all, but that was something they expressed they wanted.

    Perhaps that's all some folks want? Simply to have someone else's presence nearby? But if they're going to advertise on a cuddle site, they should at least make themselves clear that they don't actually want to cuddle before the session.

  • timetocuddle07timetocuddle07

    To me its someone u can tell doesn't like to cuddle and only doing it for monetary reasons. They will barely look in your eyes while talking. Wait until you ask them to cuddle in other position. Have a blank look on there face. Not active in the cuddle. Like a dead fish ready to be flushed in the toilet. If that sounds harsh my bad

  • bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles

    @timetocuddle07 That doesn't sound harsh. It sounds like you had a negative experience with someone unprofessional. A professional should be enthusiastic and present with their cuddle partner.

    However, I don't quite understand the "Wait until you ask them to cuddle in other position" part. I've found that many people are comfortable staying in one position during their sessions. As the client, the session should be focused on your wants/needs (while respecting rules & boundaries, of course), so it would make sense for the client to be the one to suggest changing positions if that's what they want.

    However, I also know many folks can be intimidated to speak up. So what I usually do is occasionally check in and ask something along the lines of, "How are you feeling? Are you comfortable?" If they say yes, I don't change a thing, but I give them an opportunity to express a desire to change things up if they want to.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    I think it means someone who just lies there the whole time like they were playing dead.
    It usually means someone who doesn't enjoy cuddling and is just doing it for the money etc.
    By the way if someone wants companionship and no cuddling then that is not cuddling. That's like an escort who you can pay to go to dinner with you. Rich guys often do that.
    I guess if I was lonely enough I might pay a girl to have dinner with me but I don't see how that belongs on a pro cuddling site.

  • bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles

    @Melancholy The problem with seeking out an escort is that it is often not platonic. Since this site advertises strictly platonic services only, I can understand why this might be a better and safer avenue for seeking out companionship. It's why many cuddlers offer virtual cuddle sessions as well. It's not always about the physical connection. People can benefit just as much from simple human interaction when they might be deprived otherwise, like say, during a pandemic.

  • [Deleted User]admirer97_ (deleted user)

    I prefer the “floppy fish” cuddles myself.

  • ryechipsryechips

    I’ve experienced this from a “pro” before. I just hated it and was hoping for the time to pass quickly. Other pros have read cuddle sutra and were good conversationalists... this one just laid there. I might as well have stuck a heater in my pillow and cuddled that

  • Maverick07Maverick07

    Personally, I don't care if I'd be cuddling someone the prefer just to embrace, or engage on some like some light touching. Equal cuddling opportunity on that department ;-)

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    I prefer the “floppy fish” cuddles myself.

    @admirer97_ Thanks, now I'm picturing someone doing the worm while you try to hug them :joy:

  • HangTheDJHangTheDJ

    One professional fell asleep on me (literally) about 30 minutes into a 3 hour session, and I didn't wake her up because I would have felt bad. She ended up sleeping through nearly the entire session. Does that count?

    To be fair, it was late and I guess this is what I get for preferring evening/night time cuddles 😅

  • pmvinespmvines

    I think it's a term people who are more active with cuddling styles sometimes use to describe those with more passive tyoe preferences. Some people truly do prefer more stillness particularly if they aren't used to you or to cuddling in general

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    I don't think I've ever experienced a dead-fish cuddle, although I do love a good dead-weight cuddle (ie. someone lying on top of me). I hate the thought of cuddling someone who doesn't seem like they're into it! If that happened, I think I would stop cuddling and try to find some other way to engage them (conversation, a movie, a video game, etc). If absolutely nothing worked, I'd have to come up with a polite excuse to end the session early. That just sounds too awkward :sweat:

  • [Deleted User]admirer97_ (deleted user)

    @squeakytoy
    I don’t like eels,
    because of the ways,
    They makes me feels.

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    @admirer97_ It's widely accepted that we should avoid cuddling the electric ones - that might come as a shock to you :mrgreen:

  • nurturingmannurturingman
    edited April 2021

    @HangTheDJ Even for an overnight, I would expect at least an hour of cuddling unless the client fell asleep first. For a three-hour session in the evening (are we talking about like 7–10pm?), I would expect the pro to stay awake and cuddle or at least keep company the whole time.

  • UCpaaHVg6u0UCpaaHVg6u0

    Nothing stinkier than a dead cuttlefish.

  • [Deleted User]admirer97_ (deleted user)

    @UCpaaHVg6u0 With props to @valkyrievixen

  • [Deleted User]squeakytoy (deleted user)

    That was a masterpiece. Thank you.

  • happybearhappybear

    I have had a few so far, it takes 2 people being present, I am a active cuddler, I want to wrap my arms around a person and hug them, the experience is best feeling when they are doing the same in return, that goes true for me with touching . I love to give back rubs, running my fingers in someone's hair, a few positions I can understand if one can't reciprocate due to position but to just lay isn't cuddling unless both are on that same page,. I know cuddlers that are great cuddlers and they prefer to hold someone and shut off the switch and relax for hours in that one position and some of their cuddlers want the same, that's fine for them. Communication is so important, I always ask about people's preferences so I can accept or pass if our style or energy levels differ.
    Fyi, I held someone's hand for 45 minutes with no conversation no other touching while she watched TV, that's what the other person needed and choose me to be there for her in that way. I was the first person in years that she was that close to. I was humbled to be there for her in a meaningful way.. Communication is everything, cuddling should be the easy part. :smiley:

  • bekah_cuddlesbekah_cuddles

    @happybear I agree. Communication is key.

  • BabichevBabichev

    I like being pretty still while cuddling, find a comfortable position and just relax into it. I’ve cuddled lots of people, both one on one and in cuddle puddles, and there was not a lot of activity, just that. One of the things that’s stopped me from returning to the guys I’ve met through this site is that they will ask can I stroke your hair or your skin and if I say yes, then they do that continuously nonstop after that and it starts feeling like they want more than just platonic cuddling. One guy just rolled over on top of me without warning.

    No one has ever accused me of being a “dead fish.” I’m not denying they may be out there but if you are the kind of person who expects a lot of stroking or movement, be aware that someone who prefers a more quiet style of cuddling is not a dead fish, they have a different style.

  • UCpaaHVg6u0UCpaaHVg6u0

    @admirer97_ My fishing hat is off to you, Sir!

  • littermatelittermate
    edited April 2021

    When I'm cuddling, I don't want to have to do a job. I want to be natural. If it's natural for me to lay there because I'm wiped out and sleepy, I hope the person I'm with can hang with that--I'd likely warn them--I'm wiped and sleepy today, hope you can hang with that. The thought of going into a cuddle with "I better show some initiative and do some stuff so this person wants to cuddle with me"-- I'd rather just go play pinball. I imagine we are all different, and different on different days. I dearly love sinking into silence and stillness while cuddling as well as all the other fun stuff two can do.

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho

    @littermate I don't have an inherent problem with sleepiness, or with a fairly passive and relaxed cuddle. But I do want to feel like my partner is aware that I exist and enjoys my presence.

    I think one difference between the other responses and yours is that most of the men are probably talking about pros. I actually want my cuddles with a pro to be equitable; I want her to have a good time and not put a lot of effort and thought into doing what I want. Still, there's a level of passivity where I just wonder, what exactly am I paying her for?

  • littermatelittermate

    @CuddleWho Well, if you're paying obviously you'd want to get what you came for and that's probably not just someone lying dead beside you! :)

  • [Deleted User]Mmart (deleted user)

    @littermate. I agree on the being natural idea. It should not be viewed as a need to perform.
    BTW not only will you suffer ping pong humiliation but my wizardry at pinball will leave you amazed.

  • MxSmithMxSmith

    As a professional, I get people sometimes who really want touch but get so anxious you can kind of feel their bodies freeze up. My goal is to help them feel comfortable enough in their own skin and with their own wants to be able to relax and get into that cuddle headspace and truly enjoy touch, but ultimately if someone just wants to lay on their back and link arms with me or something like that, it's totally about what makes them feel comfortable. The worst thing I can think of doing would be trying to push them/ shame them into a cuddle position that "feels like cuddling". Cuddling is about trusting someone with your body and it's very vulnerable especially for people who are touch isolated. I would absolutely hate for touch deprived people to shy away from this resource because they are afraid of someone posting about them being a "dead fish" online. Now if you get a professional who seems to not want cuddling, I'd question their motives.. but even professionals can feel uncomfortable with people and freeze up. Imagine setting up a cuddle session with someone who repeatedly pushes your boundaries or keeps talking about sexual encounters. There simply are things that will make anybody uncomfortable. So if your cuddler is a "dead fish", just be kind and DON'T PUSH THEM. They probably are just getting used to you and figuring out if you are trustworthy. The right way to cuddle is the way that makes everyone feel comfortable, not the one that "looks right".

  • sillysassysillysassy

    OMGOSH!! What an interesting conversation!! I can imagine it would be challenging on both sides of the pro business. Its like getting a massage from a therapist, walking away wishing it would've been deep tissue, but the massage pro didn't know you wanted that. Problematic on both sides. Definitely an issue of communication and a bummer for both people because the client is unlikely to go back for a second session. :/

    As far as personally.... AS A FEMALE ENTHUSIAST.... I can completely relate with @littermate I love ALL sorts of different cuddles but there's a certain chemistry that is or ISN'T present in the partnership besides the spoken communication. I have been with a few peeps who just lay back and feel like I should only pay attention to them and that doesn't feel fun or balanced for a burgeoning first time cuddle (I think this had to do with the cuddle chemistry). I also tend to talk about it over messages a bit beforehand so that we can both get a clear understanding about our expectations and desires. There's definitely a fine line between what comes natural and being able to speak a request to change/continue/halt what is happening.

    That's got to be tough for the PRO route because there's not as much exchange in messages before the actual cuddle. I might have to book a PRO just to experience it first hand. HMMMMMMMM Where is @safensecure4u2 these days?? Maybe he's traveling close to ME!!!!

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