@Babichev I agree, a very nice post with some thought provoking ideas. I relate a lot to the not revealing that you’re bi, but maybe for different reasons. I knew I was attracted to girls when I was too young to really know what that meant. All I knew was what I felt.
As I got older (and I came out as bi at 19), I started realising that people, cis-het men in particular, would make all sorts of assumptions based on that label. Many will assume you want male attention. Many who are queer themselves will assume you’re just trying it on for a night. Many straights will assume you are more sexual, or want to have threesomes 24/7. Couples will assume you’re fair game on dating sites (hence the hated term “unicorn”; a bi woman who willingly has sex with exploring couples and seeks them out), and all the other yadda yadda that people’ve been spoon fed by the sex and pornography industries.
There was a hilarious element to my coming out, which was my mother’s reaction when I did.
My younger brother who was maybe 8 at the time asked me what the difference is between the different sexual orientations. When I responded, he asked which one I am to which I replied I’m bisexual. Her reaction? She had gay male coworkers, gay male friends. But her own daughter’s gayness creeped the shit out of her because the next exchange was, “You’ve been with a woman?!” (yes) “That’s...weird.” She wasn’t bigoted, she was just uncomfortably indifferent and didn’t know how she should process that she has a kid who’s a bit gay.
I didn’t grow up in an overly homophobic family, except for maybe my oilpatch male relatives making crude jokes about each other being gay. Which such troglodytes will equate to being less of a man. Let’s just say I don’t go out of my way to see or interact with these relatives now that I’m an adult. There are lots of people who won’t have a choice in that matter, and whose families treat them like literal garbage, which is heartbreaking to me. I equate not accepting queerness in one’s family with something as stupid as not accepting someone for having moles on their skin or something.
As for being “queer enough”, we shouldn’t feel obligated to base how we contribute on that headspace... it’s conforming to gatekeepers who in fact do want to label people as “not queer enough”. The fact is we are enough just for speaking our truths. Labels or not, our experiences are what matter and what ultimately make us who we are.
@Babichev I don't know what I was hoping for in this thread when I started it, but your wonderful post is much more than whatever-it-was-I-was-hoping-for. @Catloaf too and everybody else. Everyone is welcome in this thread, that's the whole point.
Now, if you'll excuse me, after reading those stories I seem to have something in my eye.....
Bi cis-woman in an open marriage to a man 🏳️🌈✌️
Can definitely relate to the "not queer enough" and labelling issues mentioned by @Babichev and @Catloaf - glad to have shaken those with age! Also eternally grateful to have friends and family to whom I never even needed to come out, they have simply accepted my relationship choices at face value as they happen.
Love to all, wishing you happiness x