Crushing handshakes are awful because they wreak of insecurity. I was raised to give firm shakes as a sign of respect or commitment to a deal. The first time I shook a woman’s hand (high school), I heard her fingers pop. I instantly released and had a mental breakdown that night. She seemed unphased, but I stopped offering women handshakes ever since.
@dontremember I love your shield metaphor, and reminds me of how I try to help similar friends.
Part of what draws me to this community is that I’ve asked, for years, “Are you a hugger?” before even opening my arms to engage. I might not have experienced much unwanted touch myself, but I can respect and acknowledge that others have.
@MxSmith Thank you for bringing this important subject up again, I posted something about it after reading a NY Times magazine article a couple of months ago, but as often happens on these forums, the conversation soon deviated from its intended purpose and the thread was closed.
https://cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/10451/a-fascinating-perspective-on-touch-and-consent-from-the-ny-times-magazine/p1
@NYCLatnGuy thanks for posting that article again!! Its SO GOOD.
@NYCLatnGuy
I wish I could find a version of this article that wasn't paywalled. It's interesting how people can often get triggered by the issue of encouraging informed consent. At this point in our society, it's not an option to understand what informed, enthusiastic consent is. We need to help people understand it.
This subject is fascinating. I have experienced everything mentioned previously from the unwanted and domineering handshakes, to unwanted sexual advances. There is one other I haven't seen mentioned yet and that is the unwanted touching of my hair by random strangers. I have always believed this to be more racially motivated as both men and women have done it. 99.9% by Caucasian people. Sometimes I can feel it being a sexual in nature, more often it is just demeaning and infuriating. Why do people think it is okay to invade personal space like that? I have asked my curly haired Caucasian friends if they have ever experienced anything like that and I was given an absolute look of shock and horror with a resounding, "NO". Keeping my hair short has tempered that, but I like having long hair and have started letting it grow out again, knowing full well that I may to have to be on the defensive again.
❤❤ why don't you mention unwanted touch by female cuddle therapists or massage therapist i have been raped by massage therapist she asked me for extra I said no she touched my private parts till i said yes if that was a man he will get 10 years in prison
Really great point @sprite1der and agreed, hair touching is so gross. I'm sure I've experienced not even 1% of what you have and I recognise that in my case the 'othering' overtones aren't there, but I have very long hair that I've had stroked by men in public and it turns my stomach. I actually find it more creepy than the times I've been groped so I really sympathise with anyone who has to deal with that regularly xx
@sprite1der @GracieGirl Good grief, I have to agree on this. I hate having my hair touched too. I used to wear it in braids/pigtails sometimes, but older men who were complete strangers to me would always grab and pull them. Not cute, not funny. I mostly just wear it long now.
@squeakytoy Ugh yes, I tend to wear my hair loose or scraped into a bun so haven't had that one too often but agreed wtf???
None of that sounds normal to me. "violent hugs, dunking , rib jabs" etc. Sorry if you deal wih any of that. Please leave and find a safe place.
Does anyone remember getting kidney poked in school? Or the god-awful rumour about rubber bracelets in the late early and mid-2000s? It was being suggested by boys snapping a certain colour off a girl’s wrist meant she had to perform a sex act on you. We were in 4th grade when these rumours started spreading in schools.
@ZacRedBear - it's not just a metaphor. We're both members of a running group, and one of the others is more than a little bit inappropriate in both word and deed. Creepy, touchy, etc. One time, my friend M was sitting on the ground, just getting up and suddenly Mr.Handsy was behind her, shoving his hands under her arms, grabbing her chest to "help her get up". Way past inappropriate, into punch-in-the-mouth territory. I wasn't there, unfortunately.
@Ahmedali999 this is a free forum page about unwanted touch. You are free to share whatever experiences you have. Its intentionally NOT about just unwanted touch from men, my point is that unwanted sexual and nonsexual touch happens to all genders. I'm sorry this happened to you. While I have nothing against sex workers, I am 100% against that kind of abuse and I'm sorry that happened.
@sprite1der When I was younger my hair was super curly, and everyone wanted to touch it. I hated the attention, so I learned to keep it short as well. I asked Black cuddle buddy if it was okay to play with his hair, but understood the issue with our color difference. He sighed relief with a big smile, and said he'd like that. I already enjoy playing with hair, but it was especially great for me since I've never felt curly hair besides my own. Didn't even realize that until just now.
@dontremember Most of the fights I’ve been in was for pushing a bully back from someone else. I hear you.
@Catloaf A big thing in school for me was people jabbing each other in the back of the knees, but I never heard of that disgusting band-snapping.
@ZacRedBear There's a BIG difference when permission is asked and granted before touching my hair. I absolutely love it when it is CONSENTUAL.
Agreed, I love having my hair played with by people who don't just reach out on the tube with their grubby paw and stroke down my back lol 😭
@Catloaf Ah yes, in the UK they were called shag bands 😬
@MxSmith well said thanks unwanted touch without permission its a crime
@ZacRedBear I was told once that I was hurting my female friend's hand holding it, I felt so horrible. My fingers sometimes pop and it doesn't hurt but actually feels good, I do it to myself on purpose, so maybe you didn't cause anyone any pain!
@sunnysideup I've been a bull in a China shop my whole life, and have hurt people by accident just by being a bigger person, or not knowing my strength. It was hard for me to learn that awareness for a while. Thanks to people speaking up like your friend, and our dedication to adapt, everyone benefits. Keep your chin up, we're all learning.