Cuddle buddies who are in relationships

As with everyone on here, I have preferences on who I will and won't interact with on here, and one of my preferences is I don't interact with women on here who are in relationships. It'll probably sound stupid to some people but I just find the idea of being all intimate with such people, even if it's just in a platonic way, a little awkward. I'll always try to respect people's comfort zones but at the same time I personally can be quite clingy and I love holding hands so unless they were to say, it's cool you can do what you like as long as things stay platonic, and of course I always keep things platonic, I think I would find it a little pressuring to find the level where we both get the most pleasure out of the experience without crossing the line, especially if I get really comfortable around them.

But yeah, I'm curious to know what others think and do, if you're on here and you're in a relationship do you make any rules for any cuddle buddies you meet that you're fairly certain you wouldn't make if you weren't in a relationship, e.g. no touching here, no doing this or that, etc.? And anyone else, what do others think about having cuddle buddies who are in relationships, am I just being stupid feeling the way I do or does anyone else here sort of feel a similar way about it or not like interacting with them for maybe entirely different reasons?


  • I guess I am probably the exception to the rule on here, because I am polyamorous.  I don't have any special rules for cuddlers who are in a relationship.  I figure that they are polyamorous, too, at least as far as cuddling is concerned, so I treat them the same as any other cuddler by respecting whatever boundaries they set.
  • Actually yeah I guess I didn't really think of people like you when I wrote this, I guess as long as everyone is cool with whatever you do with everyone pretty much everything is okay for you to do isn't it? Indeed an interesting exception to the topic I've posted :3
  • [Deleted User]CreativeDave73 (deleted user)
    People have different lifestyles on here. I'm not interested in cuddling with a married woman either. Earlier today, I browsed a profile and it stated the woman was married, but she wanted someone to hold and rock her. I thought of her husband and wondered why he wasn't holding and rocking her. It's possible she made a mistake filling out her profile, but it's also possible she's in a loveless marriage, without any intimacy and I definitely don't want to get in the middle of that!

    What I'm definitely looking for is a nice single woman, non pro, who needs affection just as much as I do. It could start platonic, but why couldn't it lead to more if we really liked each other?
  • [Deleted User]manticorp (deleted user)
    @CreativeDave73 There's certainly nothing wrong with things developing once you meet, but by saying you're only looking for single women along with that comment, it may seem as though your intention isn't just to meet for platonic cuddling. This isn't a dating site.

    Personally, I don't have issues cuddling with someone in a relationship so long as everyone involved is in the loop and comfortable. The other people need to have a very trusting, strong relationship, though, and clear set boundaries. Not every couple has those things, sadly.
  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)
    Part of the joy of cuddling is transcending societal prisons and finding a warm, peaceful energy.

    Relationship status is 100% irrelevant to me. 
  • edited June 2017
    I, like @chococuddles, agree that relationship status does not really matter. Its all about energy you give and receive, though I admit not everyone is wired this way so can see why it is a hard thing to wrap some heads around.  I also agree with @CreativeDave73 that it can land you in the middle of a sticky situation. Especially if the cuddler is seeking comfort outside their relationship that not getting from partner, and transference of feelings develop, not unlike the feelings a client may develop for a therapist who is helping them through a difficult time.

    Only time I really question the cuddling while in relationship is when I see married men or men in a committed relationship and have families, who are constantly seeing paid cuddlers.  Personally, I cant help but wonder about all the time, energy, attention, affection, and money that is being diverted from their partner and children. I specifically bring up paid cuddling because of the financial aspect, however even without the money spent on cuddling and not on partner/family, there is still all the time, attention, energy, and affection aspect that is being given to a non paid cuddler so same can be said for someone constantly seeking out non paid cuddlers as well. I realize there may be something they need to heal within,  and they may not get that with their partner and family, but it can reach a point where it seems a bit selfish. Just my opinion.
  • If a potential cuddle buddy is in a relationship, I do ask them why they are looking for cuddles outside of the relationship. I find that situation interesting. It would not stop me having them as a cuddle buddy though.
  • I agree with @alexb2 in that I will cuddle with most anyone, but if a non-pro lists they are in a relationship or married I am a bit more cautious and will ask why they are looking to cuddle outside of that. It could be a long-distance relationship, different work hours preventing them from seeing each other as often, or a number of other reasons, but as long as the other person knows and isn't against them cuddling with someone else then I'm okay with it too. Most Pros I've cuddled with were in relationships and it didn't make anything awkward. As long as boundaries are clear, you can be relaxed with the person, and both people are open to that level of intimacy without it causing drama in each others personal life... then I say go for it and cuddle away.
  • [Deleted User]garysmith (deleted user)
    Hi, the reason I'm here is to find someone with whom I can develop a long term cuddle-based relationship. I am married, but while my wife is very non-tactile, she remains my best friend. But in recent years, the lack of touch is very saddening. That tenderness and contact is a fundamental need for me. Consequently, my ideal cuddle partner is a lady who IS already involved in a relationship but who , like me, feels trapped, and simply wishes cuddles, without seeking any kind of development into something else. Such a person would become for me a very close friend, with whom we can share the intimacy and comfort of cuddles, into the long term. In my case, it will stop me seeking comfort elsewhere, into sectors that would ultimately be threatening to my marriage. In this case, I feel a cuddle partner is likely to help SAVE my marriage, by removing the sense of frustration and building resentment I have felt through a physical loneliness. I'm sure there are many on this forum in a similar situation.

    Gary, Sudbury, Suffolk, UK
  • edited June 2017
    What is annoying/obnoxious is the presumption that those in relationships are the "norm" when contacting those who are single.   So many married and guys in relationships message me and don't disclose their marital or non-single status in their initial message.   I have to go and hunt for it.    My profile does clearly state "no married or attached men".  Why?   Because being in someone else's bed if you're in a relationship isn't like a handshake and it shouldn't be presumed that "poly" lifestyle is wonderful for everyone.    If you're poly, married and/or in a relationship, then state that upfront in your message.   Especially when contacting clearly single women.   Every married and attached guy on this site who has messaged me conveniently leaves that information out, and it wastes everyone's time.    I really wish the owner of this site would provide guidelines for communication.   I've thankfully met a few men on here who are skilled communicators but the vast majority have an agenda and a needs list (guys write that they are looking for a warm woman's body) and don't read profiles or don't try to make a connection.  YUCK.   I have been to in-person cuddle parties where guidelines for communication were so necessary, that even if you paid to attend one, you wouldn't be allowed in if you missed the 10 minutes guidelines about how to communicate.   Since this is the online medium where there's a lot less thought put into communicating, I know for me as a woman, there's a tipping point where I just give up like other non-pro women and never check my profile again or leave.    There may be a lot of poly people in this community, but if you're a married guy and/or in a relationship messaging single women, just state that upfront.   I'm not sure why it's more the norm that married/attached guys don't approach and state that information upfront.

    And honestly, no shade to poly people.  But the married's/attached guys aren't even stating in their profiles or messages that cuddling outside their marriage/relationship is legit.   I have no idea if they're poly.    I only know they are requesting my time and attention as married men.   If they have their partner's consent, then state that upfront.   Because if you don't state that you're married or poly or that you have your partner's consent, that's not cool.
  • [Deleted User]manticorp (deleted user)
    @hugzfarmer I think in your situation it's imperative that attached or married men disclose those things upon their first message because you specifically state that you do not wish to cuddle with people who fit those criteria, but it shouldn't be expected if those written guidelines are in place. If someone didn't explicitly state that they are uncomfortable with 'xyz', it's unfair to expect others to disclose 'xyz' in their first message. It's information that is (should be) on their profile, which isn't their duty to relay to every person. However, I agree with you fully that it's super irritating to have people who despite not matching up with what you're comfortable with contacting you and leaving out information like that.

    I don't think having a cuddle buddy while you're married would really be considered polyamorous. True, being intimate with someone through cuddling isn't a brief and disconnected interaction, but it shouldn't be the breaking point for a healthy relationship, and it wouldn't make a person poly by default
  • Hi @manticorp, thanks your your reply.   But there are so many reasons why written guidelines for appropriate communication beyond this particular thread be provided by a website.   My point is that my experience here is that men are demanding cuddle sessions on the calendar up to 3 times before I even respond.   And much more that is inappropriate and time wasting.  Most community sites that focus on specific lifestyles do have guidelines, and I am happy to be part of them.  Here, I am exhausted with the volume of inappropriate messages and I don't believe I'm the only female non-pro who feels this way, based on how men are stating that they do not have luck finding non-pro single cuddle buddies on here.   Women just leave sites that do not have good communication and conduct guidelines in place.
  • I come from both the real-life cuddle party community as well as many other alternative lifestyle communities, and as I say, community guidelines for communication are really the norm.  
  • @manticorp  Any platonic relationship, by definition, involves love.  Despite what some may think, polyamory is about love and not about sex.  Generally, sex is an added benefit to any loving relationship, but not if it is a platonic one.  There are plenty of platonic polyamorous relationships around.  It seems to me that if a person has more than one platonic cuddle relationship, they are loving more than one person, and are therefore polyamorous to that extent.  I agree with you that it should not be a breaking point for a healthy relationship, but disagree with you about whether it is poly or not.

  • [Deleted User]manticorp (deleted user)
    @I_am_Polylover I agree that there are different types of loving relationships, but by that definition /everyone/ is polyamorous. Romantic, sexual, and platonic polyamory can all be kept separate, and I would argue that humans are naturally platonically polyamorous. I don't see why cuddling someone while in a committed relationship should cause issues unless their intent wasn't truly platonic. If I had a cuddle buddy while I was in a romantic relationship, I wouldn't consider that polyamory because they're two different types of love that shouldn't coincide with each other in the given situation. I can completely understand the discomfort with cuddling someone in a relationship, though. It's something that can be very risky in practice and no one is obligated to make themselves uncomfortable in a situation for the sake of pleasing others.
  • @manticorp  I agree with everything you said except to me, it isn't two different types of love. Love is love.  I do respect that to you it is different.

  • In theory, having a cuddle buddy whilst in a sexual relationship should be fine for everyone involved assuming you can keep the former platonic; in theory, that sounds easy. But if there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that in practice things more often don't go to plan than do, and I can imagine it's quite easy to end up in a position where either not everyone is entirely satisfied with the way things are going or some of the people involved start to feel the pressure in trying to make it work for everyone. While I'm sure it is a satisfying feeling if you can make it work, I'd rather just stick with those not in relationships on that basis, so far everyone I've met have had similar preferences in what they do and don't like doing and I imagine have had similar reasons for wanting a cuddle buddy and I think finding someone with those sorts of similarities can be so nice as then the more you're satisfying your needs and desires the more you satisfy theirs as well.

    Fair enough if anyone doesn't agree with some of my comments, just what I think and feel, maybe if I'd given a cuddle buddy who's in a relationship a go I might feel different but as it is, I doubt it'll happen anytime soon.
  • [Deleted User]Sunflowerfield (deleted user)
    I would be willing to cuddle someone who is in a romantic/sexual relationship, as long as they are openly polyamorous or I know their partner and the partner has told me they are 100% fine with it. I think gender and sexual orientation can also be a factor, like if I were cuddling a heterosexual woman who is partnered I would have little issue with it, as long as her partner was okay with it. However, I would be VERY reluctant to cuddle a heterosexual or bisexual guy in a monogamous romantic relationship. 
  • edited June 2017
    Similar to I_am_Polylover I see nothing wrong with cuddling someone in a relationship so long as they are also comfortable with the situation.  Just communicate needs clearly and respect each other's boundaries.

    Though I do understand why people would hesitate cuddling someone in a relationship.  Lots of society and religious expectations that go against the idea.  Perfectly acceptable to follow those, I simply have chosen a different path.  Also, my experience is a surprising number of people don't really understand the difference between sexual touch and non-sexual touch, especially in a cuddling context, and why the distinction is important. That lack of understanding can create huge misunderstandings and even emotional pain when sexual touch is used in a context that is inappropriate (personal experience speaking there).

    As I think about it now, all my best cuddle sessions were with someone in a relationship.  How curious!
  • @selcouth,  I have many poly friends and I have dated poly in past.   My reasons for, as a single woman, not wanting to cuddle with married and/or attached men have nothing to do with "lots of society and religious expectations go against the idea".   It's that as a woman, being a single woman, being constantly approached by married and attached guys, the problem is that unfortunately this is the internet where people can and do state anything but don't actually have their partner's express consent.   This happens because this is a free website and there are many gender issues that mean that there are vastly more men misrepresenting themselves on free sites where there are women with personal profiles of any kind.    I have no problems with the poly lifestyle and cuddllers in relationships approaching when they're legitimately disclosing they are poly upfront.   I do have a lot of experience as I wrote in previous messages, with real-life cuddle parties and poly parties, as well as the consent-based communication standards that are expected when people are legitimately practicing the poly lifestyle.   My problem on this site is that I've only been contacted by married and/or attached men on this site who do not have filled-out profiles, nor photos, nor basic bios, and constantly act entitled.   I have suggested to the site owner in writing that some communication guidelines be established on here because non-pro women just leave after many attempts to have safe and respectful experiences online.    The other reasons for my not wanting to cuddle with non-single men is because the experience for me is not just transactional for "cuddling" and I need to have more of a connection, which single men offer a lot more than attached men.   For me, I do need some kind of emotional connection, but this is different from my feeling that I don't want not-single guys in my physical relaxed space due to religious and societal reasons.    It's many different reasons based on personal experience and preference over the years, ie, been there, done it, and I'm an intelligent individual who has preferences based on life experiences, not religious or societal training ones.
  • @hugzfarmer, thank you for your perspective! Nothing personal towards you in what I said, just some musings on my own life experience. :)
  • @selcouth, I totally understand that it wasn't personal, I just feel like there are online communication and preference issues that people from different backgrounds, genders, cultural experiences have that get overlooked and presumptions can be made across topics.  Thanks for allowing me to say why I'm only interested in other single humans.   ;-)
  • @hugzfarmer  I totally understand your need for emotional connection.  For me, platonic cuddling is all about connection, both physical and emotional.  Without the emotional connection, it wouldn't be platonic cuddling, it would just be physical cuddling.  I wouldn't be able to handle that any easier than I could handle a sex only relationship.  I know that a lot of people are wired differently just based on the number of NSA ads on the internet, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around that kind of mindset.  I guess that is one reason I am polyamorous, because poly is all about love, and so is platonic cuddling.
  • @Polylover, yes, the "love"/emotional connection aspect of poly"amory" is inherent in the values held by people who are invested in the ethics and guidelines of the lifestyle, of which there are many, and which are also accessible to anyone.    That's why I have much better experiences on websites and in online and in real life communities where the guidelines are **clearly stated** so that people don't get bombarded by entitled married and in-relationship tourists making free profiles that routinely contain no photos, no bios.   Guidelines promote respectful communication so people don't keep having bad experiences in volume and leave online sites so that the people with more integrity are repeatedly contacting so many abandoned profiles.   Why not have guidelines provided by the site about various ways to respectfully communicate with people and/or links to polyamory lifestyle since there seems to be a large poly community on here, so the tourists can be educated?   And so single non-pro women aren't so bombarded?    
  • I'm not here looking for a relationship so relationship status is irrelevant to me. So long as my cuddle buddy is fine with their and or my relationship status, then everything is fine by me. I do appreciate honesty however and would hate to be in a situation where I'm at a cuddle buddies house and in walks her significant other that didn't know I was going to be there. That would not be a good thing.
  • @hugzfarmer  You should make that suggestion to Mark in the 'Criticisms and ways this website can be improved' thread.
  • @Polylover, I wrote Mark privately by way of the contact method on the site 2 weeks ago.   Never heard back.   I think the site is more interested in cultivating pro-cuddler presence, tbh.  Last night I got yet another sneaking-around-guy who lists himself as single on his profile messaging me and even acknowledging my statements about not wanting to have anything to do with guys in relationships/marrieds.   Another sneaking-around-dude trying to convince me of how wonderful he is and how I need to consider him.
  • [Deleted User]NJCuddleDevil (deleted user)
    I just find it a kind of disturbing trend for relationships.  I don't like doing dishes or showing up to a job 40 hours a week.  Yet I do these things because it's part of being a responsible human being on some level.  I get it some people don't like certain things, such as cuddling.  But I don't see how it's out of the question to have your partner cuddle you oncee a week or whatever your need is.  Unless you are married to Meatloaf who was very specific about doing anything for love but not doing that, I just don't see to many valid excusses made by any partner.   The whole point of having a partner is for them to provide you with needs you otherwise can't meet yourself.  Perhaps I'm just crazy....
  • @NJCuddleDevil  I see you found your way to this thread, so my post on the other thread was unnecessary.  Many people have fibromyalgia, or other conditions that cause them pain, so that it is hard for them to handle touch of any sort.. there are other reasons as well.  Not all relationships are monogamous, and people are able to love more than one person at a time.  As long as everyone in relationships are comfortable with the situation, there is nothing wrong with it.
  • [Deleted User]manticorp (deleted user)
    @NJCuddleDevil The important thing to remember is that not every situation is typical. Some people have chronic pains when being touched, some can have very adverse reactions to certain types of touch, and it's entirely possible to be either long-distance or be going through a time in your life where you just don't want to be touched. When I was recovering from mono, I didn't want anyone touching me, including my significant other. That period lasted for a few months, and her insistence on trying to hug and cuddle me drove us further apart. I think whatever the couple's reasoning is, so long as it is consensual between everyone involved, is fine and shouldn't be judged so harshly
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