To the gentlemen of Cuddle Comfort…
Here’s the problem: Us.
Men are the “Red Flag”.
And, I know, I know, that will truly anger many of us, and sadden others of us, and frustrate most of us.
But that doesn’t make it less true.
And of course, of course, YOU are the “Good Guy”. The “Gentleman”.
But, here is the thing, the men and women around us have NO WAY to know that at a glance. Or even after “knowing us” for months, not to mention days, hours, or even a few paragraphs of text on a website.
As the Good Guy, the Gentleman, you must remember at all times that everyone around you is apprehensive in your presence, if not actively afraid.
And for more good reasons than any of us care to experience.
Virtually everyone we meet has been victimized by a man. And if not victimized personally, certainly knows a victim, or has seen countless victims in their lives.
Murders, mass shootings, rapes, assaults, wars, property destruction, and losses of temper.
Everyone, including us Good Guys and Gentlemen, know how dangerous men can be. How dangerous we are.
So, the question is not how to stop that perception of men being “Red Flags”.
The question is how to respectfully, and patiently, navigate that simple truth.
Well, as with all difficulties, the first step is to accept the problem at face value, as it is.
The next steps are more complicated, but certainly attainable.
A basic checklist is:
- Don’t take it personally.
- Speak carefully, and gently.
- Move slowly, and with awareness.
- Never use your physical advantages to threaten or coerce.
- Respect any and all boundaries.
- Ask what those boundaries are.
- NEVER try to negotiate, or “talk some sense” into, someone else’s boundaries. (If you find those boundaries unreasonable, simply move on.)
- Ask what you can do to help others to feel safe and secure in your presence.
- Do that, as best you can.
- LISTEN.
- Check in. Never assume that “everything is fine” simply because no one has told you otherwise.
- Use The Traffic Signals. “Red” means STOP, back off, and wait for them to explain or approach you. “Yellow” means “WAIT”, back off, and ask what you can do. “Green” means all is fine.
- Teach those around you the Traffic Signals, and then respect and honor those Signals.
- Be empathetic. Try to remember a world where you were the smallest thing in the room, at the mercy of your older male relatives.
- Be patient. Everyone has an entire lifetime of being apprehensive, distrustful, abused, hurt, and frightened. Trust takes time.
I get it, but this is what it is.
No one said it was fair.
No one said that every man deserves to be mistrusted and feared.
But one bad apple spoils the whole bunch, and there have been way, way, WAY MORE than one bad apple.
Keep it in mind, learn to deal with it, and don’t blame those around you for protecting themselves from you before they know you.
It helps to remember that the greatest strength is kindness, the greatest courage is empathy, and the greatest virtue is patience.