How do I get over feeling like I need someone to be with to be happy?

speedrsr2001speedrsr2001
in General

I’m new to this site and feel like I’m trying to find happiness here. I am a single father and recently got out of a very toxic relationship which ended about 2 years ago. I was physically and mentally abused and was made to feel inferior in every way. I guess the reason why I’m on here is to look for comfort and self worth… to feel cared for and special. I guess my question is why do I feel like I need someone to feel complete? I am in a better place then I was 2 years ago… financially, spiritually, physically, but emotionally I’m alone. I am yearning to have someone next to me, to go out with, to connect with. I am dating some long distance but it’s not the same. I am longing to have that physical touch. Any advice?

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Comments

  • LAU24LAU24

    I find practicing self-love and focusing on yourself helps. What is that one thing that you are truly passionate about? Do that. When you are sad or lonely, spend time doing that. For me, it is fashion. So I would cry and then get up and do some fashion photoshoots when I am having a hard time. That won't completely wipe away the feeling of wanting to be with someone tho. It will subside it, but it won't make it go away. I think that it is a natural part of a human being that we crave connection and affection. So go easy on yourself. Nothing wrong with wanting that.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    I feel the reason is because that is what society expects from us … you’re “supposed” to be with some to feel complete … so it’s more so societal pressure (but not the only factor)… I hope you find happiness 1st so that you can share it instead of wanting it (if this makes sense)

  • SleepySheep1SleepySheep1
    edited November 2021

    It's important that we all love ourselves, but it's also important to know that self-love will not replace the need for physical connection and companionship. There is this myth that if you love yourself, you will never lack, and that is not true.

    As humans we are wired for connection. It is in our nature to seek safety, love and belonging. We would never tell someone it's weird for them to want to have friends, yet there is a lot of shaming when a person desires a long-term partner or a short term physical companion. This is healthy and normal.

    Loving yourself is important for the health of your relationships, but loving yourself cannot replace the fact that we all have social needs and are built to be interconnected and interdependent.

    Be okay with saying: "I love myself, and I am allowed to want more for myself."

    -Minaa B. [Licensed Therapist/Mental Health Educator]

  • speedrsr2001speedrsr2001

    Thank you all for the responses this far. This also leads to another question…. Which is more satisfying… cuddling with an enthusiast or a pro?

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    The answer to both of your questions is really up to you.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @speedrsr2001 despite what anyone may think or assume, there isn’t a “which is more satisfying” … it all comes down to you, do you want to put the time & effort that it requires to book with an enthusiast … a lot of trust building / a lot of non-replies / trying & trying & right when you’ve met a potential cuddle partner, they happen to be across the country from you, or do you rather a quicker process (where trust & comfort still needs to be there) but not as nearly as much time consuming & time investment?.

  • speedrsr2001speedrsr2001

    @cuddles_dream
    I think it’s the fact of paying for it rather then it coming naturally. I guess it comes down to who wants to do it because they need it too rather then people doing it because they are paid for it

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    I think more than 75% of the guys who are active in the forum have not been successful cuddling with other enthusiasts … maybe you will be in the 25%, I really hope you are , & I completely understand your logic but just know you may go days / weeks / months & at times years without a successful enthusiast cuddle session (again I hope this isn’t the case).

  • BabichevBabichev
    edited November 2021

    I suspect that the answer is do you find a connection with the person with whom you are cuddling or not?

    There’s a tendency for some enthusiasts to think that because a pro is getting paid, they are less inclined to be caring and empathetic. My day job is that I’m a massage therapist. I can tell you that I and many of my colleagues have genuine concern for our clients and care deeply about them. And this is our job. This is how we earn our living. We need to pay the rent. That does not detract from our genuine care for our clients.

    Consider this: with a pro, the client does not need to care so much about the pro’s needs. The pro is there to serve the client’s needs. With another enthusiast, besides the work involved in finding an interested enthusiast and getting to know them, one also has to take into consideration the other cuddler’s personal needs. This may mean setting aside one’s own needs.

    There is no “better.” There is a choice. Which is “better” will depend on a lot of variables, including compatibility, availability, personal preferences, etc.

  • speedrsr2001speedrsr2001

    @Babichev
    I feel like I’m an empath and would want it to be mutual in regards to cuddling. I feel like I would get as much if not more out of it knowing that I am taking care of their needs during a cuddle session.

  • BabichevBabichev
    edited November 2021

    Everyone is getting some sort of need met - or trying to - whether they are enthusiast, client, or pro.

    Here’s an interesting piece of information on primate physiology - and we humans are primates. It has been found that being groomed by another primate counteracts the physiological effects of stress not only in the one being groomed but also in the one doing the grooming. In fact, the groomer actually gains more physiological benefit.

    There is some evidence this occurs in humans, too. It has been documented that depressed older adults experience some relief of the symptoms of depression when receiving massage. However, they experienced even more benefit when massaging infants in a neonatal ICU.

    So, rest assured that if you cuddle with a pro, they will be gaining some benefit, too - possibly more than you.

    I’m happy to provide my sources.

  • cookiecrumbcookiecrumb

    I feel the same way you do, @speedrsr2001. Maybe it's just where I am in my circumstances, but I don't think this feeling is something I'll get over. I'm not sure it's societal pressure that makes me feel this way. I think it's wired in the sexes. We're made for companionship, for connection. And I think that's part of our hardwiring, which is why I don't think it's necessarily something I'll get over. But finding a connection that is compatible with my heart is obviously harder than just finding physical compatibility. I don't think I'll find it here (though some have), so for now I find that there are some here that can meet that need in a partial way, until I do find that special someone. But more than that, I want to try to help someone else meet that need, too. I have met a couple enthusiasts, and I have met with a pro as well. Meeting people here takes away some loneliness, and I can give a little joy as well, but it's not where I can feel fully connected. As babichev alluded to, the key to getting happiness it to give it. So, I wish you the best on your quest here.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @cookiecrumb may I ask your thoughts & views on monogamy? Do you think or feel its natural to be monogamous, or is it a hallmark / postcard kinda thing which was created in “recent” history … (if I may of course you don’t have to answer).

  • TravelingGueroTravelingGuero

    Thinking that you need someone to be happy is not correct most likely. IMO being needed is a sometimes thing whereas what I think you mean is you want someone to want you. Being wanted is what everyone is after.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I think you mean is you want someone to want you. Being wanted is what everyone is after.

    Tell that to the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted.

  • ThomSSIThomSSI

    1)We don’t have to lie to ourselves by pretending that being alone is perfectly fine if being alone is not what we want. It’s ok to acknowledge that we might be happier/more content/more fulfilled with someone in our lives, but we have to learn that it’s not all-or-nothing. We can strive to be as happy/content/fulfilled as possible on our own, which of course has its own rewards. Bonus: That makes us more attractive to others and avoids putting the heavy and unfair burden on someone else of being responsible for our well-being.

    2) Cuddling with a pro is a good way to work on social skills, respect, mutual boundaries, etc. ideally without the attendant risk of emotional entanglement that could come with enthusiast + enthusiast cuddling. It’s also a great way to practice self-love/self-care!

    Just my (inflation-adjusted) 3.5 cents … 🥲😂

  • Fredrick_HugsFredrick_Hugs

    While it might seem normal to have a desire to be with someone, the reality of dating today might make it worth your while to avoid it as much as possible and find a pro that you can fulfill your need for touch since its just healthy. Avoid dating apps especially since they've become a toxic waste dump.

  • [Deleted User]Tazman5307 (deleted user)
    edited November 2021

    My apologies. I had to remove my entire message as I did not read your post correctly

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @speedrsr2001 You've done yourself a kindness by signing up. I believe that is something worth celebrating, because you are sending yourself the message that you are worth it. I applaud you for that, and I truly believe that you ARE worth it.

    I have not found any enthusiasts to cuddle with since I've joined, but I've had sessions with several pros. While all of those were positive experiences, there are a few that I return to again and again, because of the sense of connection I have with them.

    Yes, I'm paying them but, with one especially, that fact doesn't distract from our sessions at all. When I arrive at her place, her face lights up in a way that tells me that she's genuinely glad to see me. We've shared both laughter and tears in a very cathartic way.

    You'll probably get to try sessions with more people if you include pros in your search, and I believe that with either a pro or non-pro you will find something that promotes healing.

  • LovelightLovelight

    I can't read all the responses now to see if what I'm about to say was already basically said.

    Though, I'd say that to an extent you aren't wrong for how you feel. Humans are social creatures for the most part. So virtually all of us 'needs' that. Though as long as you can have a healthy balance and learn ways to be at the very least okay with your loneliness, you'll be okay. In fact you could be more than okay, because that'll help you say no to the people who aren't good for you and reserve the space for those who deserve it. I think of this the difference between having a mid range car and getting a high end car. When I'm on my own I like to make my life as good as it can be and live as though I have a mid range car. So yes, I'm independent, well except for when I need to see the doctors, go to school to learn, and so on. Or socialize with friends. I'm independent and I can do it all. Though do I forever want to do it all myself? To forever have to cope with this? Nah. Will I manage to if I need to or for however long it takes? Yes, I'll be okay. And I hope you'll be okay too. Good relationships are meant to complement our lives and there's nothing wrong with desiring that at times. So long as you don't dwell on it and can find ways to cope, to be okay.

    Also, especially with the pandemic causing us to be isolated from so much and possibly other issues as well. We need to be careful that being insufficient in getting other types of social interactions, isn't exacerbating our loneliness. Even just being mindful of this can help and if dealing with those other issues too, then it's important to find relatively safe ways to combat them. For instance I was dealing with a similar issue and then some that recently had me feeling awful, I ended up helping someone and now we both feel better. I also went out to eat and it would've been fantastic to have a company or two then. Though I enjoyed my meal nonetheless and that more than likely wasabi imitation was the icing on the cake. So finding things that can bring some joy to you is sometimes just what you 'need'.

  • Nature_Lover_Nature_Lover_
    edited November 2021

    Loving this topic as well as all of the interesting perspectives on it! Especially love and agree with the post on here from @SleepySheep1 and really love your profile as well!
    @speedrsr2001 I have cuddled both enthusiasts and pros and have to say I could not discern which is best to me as they are each individual experiences, rich and rewarding in their own right. I have been blown away by some enthusiasts who clearly understand the healing and restorative power of touch. People who effortlessly melt me like butter with their embrace and personality. With pros it can be an interesting dynamic in that you are mutually focused on providing one another the very best experience. Not to say that enthusiasts are not invested in a pro’s experience and enjoyment within a cuddle session, to the contrary, many of them get more fulfillment from ensuring the comfort and relaxation of others. I just mean to say that when I am entrusted with someone’s time and granted physical and often personal proximity, I recognize this is special and I do not take it for granted. My intent is to work within our mutual comfort zones, to be fully present, and to do my very best to understand and meet or exceed their needs.
    @Babichev said it very simply when she stated that a paid cuddler is not necessarily more inclined or less inclined to be caring or empathetic, and that with a pro, an enthusiast doesn’t have to hyper focus on the pros needs.

  • Ahmedali999Ahmedali999

    I found happines and life here, i found amazing pros who are carers,make me feel special and valued,welcomed when I thought society abandoned me ,last year August was my first experience, If i never be here i I don't know if I'm going to be i alive. my first pro who met me first time, I looked like homeless because I was down and hopeless now i changed completely
    ,looking after myself and motivated to life. I in affliction

  • blisscuddlesblisscuddles

    Wanting to connect and taking that next step to find one is great start. Starting inside and then outwards could be something that could help. Loving and feeling your worth and acknowledging it. You are a single father. Assuming you still have a good relationship with your kid, spending time to bond, love and hug your kid builds up your feeling of worth too in addition to being able to give and receive love. Social connections through your kid is another avenue where you may find more bonds to be built. As for cuddling here, it only can help as an add-on, whether it be with a pro or enthusiast. Hope you find fulfillment in your need; however it might come to you.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    The biggest danger with this is you can easily end up in relationships that are bad for you just for the sake of being in a relationship. You're better off with no one at all than the wrong person.

  • speedrsr2001speedrsr2001
    edited November 2021

    Thank you all for the support and best wishes. It really means a lot to hear that there are so many people that have a servants heart. I think we all need to hear it… especially during the holidays. God bless you all

  • [Deleted User]butter123 (deleted user)

    When was the last time you took yourself on a date? Date yourself..... best experience

  • Nature_Lover_Nature_Lover_

    @butter123 I love what you said !

  • [Deleted User]Kelly149 (deleted user)

    Yes, but what if he dates himself and puts out on the first date? Will he lose respect for himself and not call back? Could be quite the blow to both egos. Jk

  • speedrsr2001speedrsr2001

    @Kelly149
    Believe me… there would be steak and lobster involved.

  • speedrsr2001speedrsr2001

    @butter123
    I’m not sure on how to really do that… I love taking walks and go down to the river by my house over day. It’s not that I don’t find time for myself… I go to the gym, spend time with my kids when I have them, and visit my mom and family on my days off. The thing I miss is the intimacy and closeness of a significant other

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