@Sheena123 @DaringSprinter Thanks for the detailed response! And Just to be clarify, I meant asking in the context of dating (that's why I thought maybe I was derailing the thread), not for anything related to this website since we should all be here for platonic purposes only. I can totally see how receiving those comments as a professional cuddler can be off putting. I'm sorry!
@sunnysideup ah šš» gotcha Yea, I think asking and understanding boundaries will count for any situation šøšø
@Indigo1234 If they want a hand job give them a piece of construction paper and finger paint and tell them to make mama proud.
I do think it's possible, @LorraineMorgan. But it takes time, work, and patience. I use CC along with my personal friendships and companionships as a base for searching in bulk for a cuddle buddy and still I'm left scratching my head as to the intention of others. Age, looks, body type and the like have no bearing on what I'm doing here. And still, I am left having to face someone I can tell is trying to date with the use of feminine wiles, mannerisms, and expectations. I also had a boundary issue with a gay man and had to let go of him over it.
The use of a heart-eyed emoji and comments about your "amazing appearance" is a red flag, one which you are smart to heed. People cross boundaries because they think they can get away with it. Men are most often raised within a patriarchal environment where the very concept of "being a man" has always implied that when necessary they can violate boundaries because "boys will be boys." You are smart to scrutinize the kind of details you mentioned.
I had as many as three first-time meetings with one potential cuddle buddy and still ended up turning her down over the very thing you were faced with. You can't be too careful.
As cuddle culture becomes more successful it will challenge social norms on every level. While looking for cuddles and discussing them here, I feel like we are in the early stages of meeting our needs while at the same time changing the world around us.
You might consider the guys age too, guys over 35 are, sadly for us but maybe good for you, on the decline when it comes to hormones.
I am confused. Is it generally undesired by women to be complimented? If so, I don't understand the market for hair and beauty products. I was under the impression that if effort was made in the use of those products, that the recognition of that effort was desirable. Is it the specific use of heart emojis that is not desirable by the OP? I have never considered that it could be offensive to someone to say "your hair looks nice today" or " your perfume smells nice" if they have obviously made the effort to enhance those aspects of herself. Is it really offensive to compliment a woman on her natural beauty, just to say "you look nice"? A vase is more beautiful than a mug, and that has nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with aesthetics. Mugs and vases have neither gender nor congugal relations. And I was under the impression that women are generally the more beautiful gender, and saying so is not desirable or acceptable? I go through the checkout line at the grocery store and compliment a woman's hair because I think she's put in more effort than the situation warrants: am I being offensive? I'm working in the shipyard and I smell a woman's perfume and I compliment her on it: am I being offensive? People don't do that in the shipyard. It's the shipyard. We smell like grease and solder. So, I am trying to understand when it is desired and not desired by women to be complimented. Please forgive my ignorance.
@cookiecrumb myself along with quite a few other women literally answered this question multiple times. Youāre going to need to read through some of the womenās responses to get your answer because we already wrote down why and when itās frowned upon.
@LorraineMorgan peace lovely one. I believe itās possible. If you are willing to meet the perfect match, stay patient. The right one will come along. But understand that some compliments are just that, compliments š and it doesnāt mean the individual is seeking something more. Good luck lovely one. Reach out if you wana chit chat more about it.
@PrinceHakeem If you read the thread, you may notice that she deactivated her account a while back.
You might also pick up on the fact that being called "lovely one" probably isn't what she was looking for.
@cookiecrumb it's not about compliments being undesirable. Hence why you may notice women may compliment each other & eat it up, while in that sams scenario they ignore the guy. This isn't done to hurt anyone, it's a personal guard to protect themselves. It's because they know without a shred of doubt the compliments from other women won't come with some ulterior motive. They can't know that for sure what the motive is however when it's coming from a guy.
"Your hair looks nice" can very easily turn later into getting asked out at best or a random dick pick they never asked for. Then not knowing how that guy is going to take the rejection is a whole other can of worms, but violence or harassment are very real despicable outcomes to potential come from that. So when it comes to when's the best time to give a compliment, well that's the tricky part. Everyone is different. Some may not want them at all. Some may not care at all while others may need to know your intentions before they're comfortable with the compliments.
So generally speaking, no, compliments aren't desirable. It's the unknown that's undesirable. That's my understanding of it anyway, so hopefully I was helpful. I'm sure others can explain it better then me.
@Shake49 I think you explained it very well! šš»
@Shake49 my lesbian and bi friends would disagree with you about women who compliment them without ulterior motives
@Shake49: Solid. Womenāeven gay and bi womenāaren't socialized to pursue women the way men are.
It makes a difference.
@supadupa this bisexual woman right here advocates for what Shake49 said. Iāve been complimented by a lot of my lesbian and fellow bisexual friends and even if they said it with sexual intent, I still wasnāt worried. Because they would never go past the compliment. The men around me however, called me every name in the book, or wished I would get brutally raped or downright physically assaulted me because I didnāt take their compliment.
@Sheena123 okay itās what my friends tell me and i donāt doubt their truth because I believe them, but some are more fem and some butch. So I donāt have any reason to think they were lying to me about how uncomfortable aggressive some were.
@supadupa I can understand that. I just wanted to point out the difference to women complimenting with ulterior motives and men complimenting with ulterior motives. Most lesbian/bi women would not pursue physically/verbally after rejection, while most men would pursue verbally or physically.
@Sheena123 That's horrible! Rejection hurts, but why does society produce so many of these toxic men? Parents are not doing their jobs. Do we need to teach that rejection is okay in grade school?
I think one good test for guys who might be confused and just want to make a compliment (particularly about appearance) whose sole purpose is not to elevate the sexuality in the relationship, is: swap the genders. If it was a guy in a similar situation, would we still make a compliment? And since many women have learned to reject compliments from men to let them know they are not interested we have to keep that in mind and maybe keep compliments about appearance within the realm of dating.
Rejection hurts, but why does society produce so many of these toxic men?
Because of generations and generations and generations of men being literal owners of women. It's ingrained in all aspects of society.
Women only got the right to vote 100 years ago.
Women only got the right to have a credit card in 1974. Let that sink in. Every one over 46 (forgive me in my math is off because math) lived in a time when a woman couldn't have a credit card in her name. She had to have her father or husband sign for her to have one. It may not seem like a huge thing but that's just one example.
@sunnysideup I think thatās a great idea truthfully. And I would like more classes to be taught in schools to show the progression of women. Iām not sure what American schools offer in this aspect but in Canada we celebrate black history month so during that time, we spend most classes in our school learning about black history. Now and again, Iāve taken some classes where they talk about the history of women fighting to vote and whatnot, but I feel itās not severe enough to drive the point home that women were always considered to be on this earth solely to placate the man. Which is why I think there are still so many men that think that way. So when a woman doesnāt react the way they want, they lose their mind. All the whole theyāre screaming that toxic masculinity doesnāt exist š
I can think of waaaaaay too many instances where I went out for karaoke, I have my wedding rings on, and a guy will come to sit beside me and talk. Iām perfectly fine with talking but during our talk, Iāll mention my husband now and again just in case his intentions are to hit on me. But even though I throw mentionings of my hubby in there, most of the conversations with these men end up with them asking if I want to go back to their place. I remind them that Iām married and they immediately lose their shit. Some do understand and back away, but a larger percentage of these men will either say āwell, I donāt see your husband here šā or āthat never stopped anyoneā or they start calling me a bitch and a tease for ālettingā him talk with meā¦ some truly see women as something to bring home and play with, while I see men as humans, as someone that just wants to sit beside me at a bar and talk. ā¦
@Sheena123 canada needs to teach better itās a citizens they voted in a racist as prime minister twice! Yet he calls the truckers staging a protest as racists. People who live in glass houses shouldnāt throw stones. Sorry this had only a smidgen relate to the topic but Justin āBlackfaceā Trudeau is a toxic male in my opinion. The fakest of the fake.
@supadupa okā¦ I was just talking about what I experienced in school regarding womenās issuesā¦
@Sheena123 sorry I just read about the trucker convoy, no more tangential replies. I just canāt stand racists like Trudeau
@Sashamcgee: I'm not that old, but I remember being taught that a wife should obey her husband like he's God, while a husband should clean his wife like she's the church... to present to himselfāand I quoteā"without spot or wrinkle."
This stuff is super engrained in society, especially among people with traditional Christian beliefs. (Anybody remember Comfy_Arms?) I imagine it'll take a while to get rid of.
People do have a terrible tendency to long for The Good Old Daysā¢!
@DaringSprinter indeed. I didn't bring up those types of anecdotes as to not start a religion war but yeah. It's super ingrained in the Abrahamic religions.
@supadupa You say "no more tangential replies", then your very next words are tangential and inflammatory.
@Sashamcgee: Ooh, fair point.
I hear a lot of Abrahamic believers are trying to clean that up, though, these days. Part of me is insultedā"how dare you deny what your book/s blatantly say! do you think I can't read?"ābut I would be pleased if they managed it.
Regarding "are compliments offensive?"... there is a difference between appreciation and objectification. A man complimenting a woman on her physical appearance, with zero prior relationship generally feels like objectification.
Of course there are exceptions. If the context changes, for example between established friends, or at a dinner party with mutual friends... some trust has been built, so the compliment may be received more as appreciation.
@DaringSprinter Those words are ones that were taught to me when I was very young, and were applied in a way that seemed so plausible.
I believe that a lot of Christian marriages are destroyed by the false expectations that are produced by church teaching.
Without evaluating the original intent of those words, I believe that they have been used as a weapon by our patriarchical society, in a way that has brought harm to both men and women, but more harm to women.
It takes courage to challenge our childhood indoctrination, but it is necessary. I respect any who have found the courage to do so.
@xelda i always find it amusing how the females in my life will complain about things that men do and Iām like, all those things youāre complaining about, I do to you š¤£ and of course yes, itās all based on our relationships.
@Morpheus sometimes we use other people as an example to call out behavior in you we'd rather not directly confront you about. Though not always.