Why do people fight here?

[Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)
edited February 2022 in General

Genuine question for people that like to start (or continue) fights here: why do you do it? Are you trolling? Do you have anger issues? Do you hate when someone challenges you? Do you not like being proven wrong? Are you going through stuff in your personal life and taking it out on people here because you don't know how else to channel it?

I'm not being inflammatory, I'm genuinely curious because I don't understand the impetus for coming to a cuddle website and not being cuddly.

If you ARE going through stuff and you feel neglected, hurt, angry, sad, whatever, and talking would help, my inbox is open if you want to rant at someone who is happy to listen and maybe offer advice or comfort.

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Comments

  • Mela_BMela_B

    This. 👆

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    One thing I have noticed is the tendency of people to want to have the last word. A thread calms down and then one of the participants pops back up to start things all over again.

  • IsMeArrgghIsMeArrggh
    edited February 2022

    Or maybe that’s what they’re trying to do, just stir things up. We have enough stress and worries in our regular lives to allow nonsense affect us here. Let’s just concentrate on the good, ignore these people or if we feel strongly that their behavior is unacceptable then they should be reported. Take care all. By the way @BuggleBear, great post & thank you.

  • InsaneZaneInsaneZane

    I understand the intention behind this message but it's rather aggressive. Few people hear "what is wrong with you?" then (without even waiting for an answer) trying to guess the answer are going to go "oh, I want to hear what this individual has to say, I feel comfortable sharing with them." I can't think of a single person I've ever met that would respond well to a complete stranger opening their conversation with "What's wrong with you?"

    What I'm getting at is that the only thing that can come of a thread like this is a flame war. You say "I'm not being inflammatory" but your language doesn't reflect that. The title alone is enough that this thread seems like troll bait; it goes against pretty much everything I know about effective communication. Like, every single thing I've read about shame based research, emotional regulation techniques, the way the different parts of the brain perform different tasks, etc.

    I do think you have the best of intentions. The last paragraph tells me that you are indeed willing to listen, but the whole message has very mixed messages in the approachability of its tone. Sometimes people who are angry online can actually calm down if they just have someone who listens, but they have to feel safe, just like any of us does.

  • RadiantHugsRadiantHugs Mod
    edited February 2022

    @BuggleBear what is the point of this thread? Doesn't seem very "cuddly" to me to post asking whether someone has anger issues, or whatever. Or could it be that you are projecting your own issues on here?

    As for others reading this, please don't take this bait.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod

    @BuggleBear 🤗🙃🙃🙃🙃

  • DaringSprinterDaringSprinter

    When it comes to continuing disagreements I have with others in the forum, I think my most relevant issue is this:

    I was raised evangelical, and the conditioning to "keep arguing, keep trying, obviously they don't understand properly, keep going, be clearer, address every objection and eventually they'll at least stop misunderstanding you" is, uh, powerful.

    I'm working on it. Last time I just stopped talking, did you see that? I'm getting better.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    There was something wrong with me, (and possibly still is) but it slipped my mind when I started cuddling.

    As soon as I can remember, I'll try to work through it. I promise.

    Whatever it is, though, I hope it's not glaringly obvious to everyone else.

  • cookiecrumbcookiecrumb

    Some fish eat bait. Some fish are bait. Some fish eat fish. Some fish clean fish. Is it wrong to be a fish?

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    It does feel aggressive. I have an understanding to what you’re meaning with this thread but I also feel like a lot of people on this site feel that I’m argumentative in the forums so for all I know this is written directly towards me. I’ve had some very strong arguments mostly with men about the trials that women go through. The reason why I’m strong about this particular topic is because I’m a woman and I spend day after day being demeaned by men so if I’m able to have an intelligent conversation with others letting it be known that this isn’t something to sweep under the rug, I’ll take that chance. And I’ve talked with quite a few men on this platform that have started off very combative and after our back and forth with others able to jump in with their reasonings, I’ve had men go from “it’s not all men. You’re generalizing. It’s not that bad” to actually truly seeing what it means to be a woman and they suddenly come from an understanding place and begin to realize that this is something that has to be spoken about. So while it may look like I’m constantly fighting or trolling or going after people, it’s just me trying to keep certain topics going until certain people realize the reality of what people are going through. I’m sure some have noticed that I back off after I’ve realized some don’t want to better themselves. Some don’t want to understand the other side and ask questions and have a genuine concern to learn why others fight.

    So while I do feel the same way that this is a cuddle site, let’s keep it rainbows and butterflies, I also refuse to let some people spew venom towards others and think it’s ok. I’ll report it but I’ll also try to have a discussion with some to see if they are willing to open up learn why things are the way they are and see if they want to make this place a bit better by understanding.

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    When I saw the title I was so prepared with "oh so many things". It no longer applies after opening it but still hahaha

  • DaringSprinterDaringSprinter

    @Sashamcgee: Ha! That was my first thought when I saw the title, too. I had a whole list and was actively arguing with myself over the merits of posting it vs. not posting it.

    And then it didn't matter! I laughed.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @Sheena123 I'm grateful for people like yourself who are willing to work hard to educate others, even when it's not yet clear whether they are willing to be educated.

    When I saw this post, I didn't think of people like you. I thought of the kind of people who randomly throw bait around, and appear to have a desire to die on the first small hill they can find.

    You are motivated (I believe) by a love for this community. They appear to be motivated by stubborn, closed-minded pride.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup
    edited February 2022

    Possible this thread is just bait or irony but I've noticed a lot of conflict arises from plain old miscommunication (I've now learned to put disclaimers on some of my posts to say that I'm aware of x or I don't mean to conclude y) or reading into someone's comment in a negative way.

    And yeah a lot of people don't want to learn but just feel right. These issues seem common to a lot of people, but probably more so to people who maybe have been through too much trauma but I'm not a pyschologist so it's just a guess.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @JoyfulHeart that’s so sweet to say. I always have such a bad habit that when someone says something negative, I always assume it’s about me. It’s something I need to work on 😣 thanks so much for the kind words. You’re very right. I just want there to be more understanding on certain reoccurring issues. I truly think if more men understand and care what women go through, it could even improve your experiences on the site and finding some snuggle buddies. Having sympathy or empathy for those around you makes for a healthier place 🌸🌸

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    With words, the best place to practice rhetorical analysis is in a forum. Anybody who says anything is going to draw people in while at the same time, pushing others away. That's the nature of wordplay. I expect discourse in a forum and I come here expecting to construct a word response that will attract like-minded people and draw a line between myself and others that I would not typically hang out with. I see this place as an opportunity to practice rhetorical skills. Most often there is no emotion attached to what I'm saying.

    People who come here to fight offer up different challenges than people who always try to keep the peace. We are all admitting by our presence here that we want and need to be held which I think is a good starting point for me compared to regular social media.

  • [Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)
    edited February 2022

    No venom intended, nor inflammatory content. Agreed the title probably isn't the best- am open to suggestions of what I could change it to.

    Nothing in this post was intended towards anyone in particular, I have no beef with any member here on the forums. There are someone people I would prefer didn't contact me, so they are blocked from doing so, but I don't interact with these few people on the forums unless directly invited to by them, or if they say something I can't let slide because it is misinformed, cruel or unnecessary.

    I'm sorry some people seem to think this thread was started to troll people, that wasn't the intention in any way, shape or form. Individual responses are in the spoiler.

    @InsaneZane, I've changed the title to something less inflammatory. I worded it badly initially.

    @CuddlesByDeep, I am not projecting and there is no bait to take. Nobody is forced to comment/reply if they don't want to be a part of this thread.

    It did not go unnoticed, @DaringSprinter 😊 I understand what you mean though, about not wanting to be misunderstood. That was the kind of insight I was hoping to gain from making this thread, so thank you.

    @Sheena123 I agree with you on that front. Some thing are too important to let slide, and they're discussions we should be having, even if they're uncomfortable for some people.

    @JoyfulHeart that's exactly the kind of person I meant- the type that will argue that up is down if they think it will 'win the fight', and the kind of people who argue and bicker even when there is nothing to argue about. It just baffles me that some people seem to enjoy confrontation and arguing and I was trying to shed some light on why that is.

    @sunnysideup not bait or irony. I suspect miscommunication does play a role sometimes.

    @PeopleLikeUs I agree that healthy debate aids certain skills, but I'm referring more to the pure vitriol and mud-slinging that occurs occasionally, often involving a few very select individuals. I'm just curious as to why that is so prevalent here of all places. Frustration?

  • InsaneZaneInsaneZane

    @BuggleBear <3 Appreciate the title change. It's always hard to tell if someone is being cheekily trolling but I didn't get that vibe from you from your first message, and I'm glad that I was right.

    I think the answer to your original question, though, is just a super deep dive into the human psyche. Put a screen between humans -add the anonymity, the lack of any lasting repercussions, and the inability to take both visual and auditory clues from your conversation mate- and you've just got a recipe for disaster. A lot of our biology is set up for empathy but a lot is also set up for survival, a large which is categorization, or generalization, which is wonderful for effectively communicating complex ideas but has the horrible tendency to be way to reductionist. I'm not a psychologist or anything though, it's just my observations from spending far too much of my time online and in my own head.

    Like somebody messaged me within 5 minutes of my original comment, saying that -because they had messaged me earlier this week and I had not messaged back, yet had written a comment to someone other than them- that I was one of the people who makes people feel angry and that I don't deserve comfort. Part of my nervous system instantly reared up like it was under attack and I had the strong desire to lay out just how much....see, there I almost go again. But the ultimate end game to that interaction is: block them, delete the convo, and move on. My life online improved dramatically when I started just blocking malevolent randos that I frankly don't want to or have to care about.

    There are so many people in the world, especially online. Many are nasty and many are nice and it's just not worth it to care what the nasty ones think, especially online where people make the most snap, harsh, and mean judgments without any thoughts towards empathy. I applaud moderators (who still also have to keep their emotions from getting entangled as is their want) to clean up the very nasties and the people out there who put out the energy to seek and understand those who need to learn to control their emotional urges but for the rest of us, we're just trying to survive, take care of yourself. It's not your job to correct every misguided person's attempts at socialization or peacocking their intelligence or how right they are or whatnot. All that you can control (to some extent) is your own response, as actions become habits and habits become character; you can't change other people but you can stop yourself from being infected by their vitrol.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    One theory that I have also is that this site attracts those who have been quite hurt in some way, and when that experience is brought up or a forum member brushed it aside it can be triggering and result in some of the vitriol.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @sunnysideup Someone needs to invent a car that runs on vitriol.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    @BuggleBear "...but I'm referring more to the pure vitriol and mud-slinging that occurs occasionally, often involving a few very select individuals."

    My answer to that is to simply not read their posts. I have "select individuals" that I never read because I already know what they're going to say, they're too long-winded, or they don't think critically. That's the easy part.

  • [Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)
    edited February 2022

    @PeopleLikeUs I do sometimes see that someone I know to be antagonistic has commented and I try to ignore it, but sometimes I read the comment first and get drawn in, then when I check who the poster was I'm like 'ohhhhhh NOW it makes sense'

    @JoyfulHeart

    "You've tried Petroleum, now try Vitrioleum! The clean new fuel that's sure to antagonise your neighbours and infuriate your enemies! Get yours at any understaffed gas station!"

  • TFWOTFWO

    Fear and feeling insecure about ones own self, often prompts us to act agressive towards others. Bringing the pain from our past, into our present experience, can cause us to act in all sorts of ridiculous ways. I think that we've all been there before. Living one's life in chronic emotional pain can make us toxic. But there's nothing like a good cuddle session, to help melt away all of that negativity, warm our hearts, and cleanse our souls, and to remember what it feels like to be connected again.

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    I like the well-thought-out and kind answers I'm reading here!

  • NicoSnuggsNicoSnuggs

    Now you’ve done it @BuggleBear!

    Let me give you a piece of my mind!

    For me, it is a bit of all of the above why I get into heated debates here, including seeking attention because I work alone and am mostly alone in my outside of the internet life.

  • TheBestCuddlrTheBestCuddlr
    edited February 2022

    Nevermind

  • [Deleted User]ClubSamwiches (deleted user)

    What is life but a giant pissing match?

  • [Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)

    @NicoSnuggs I've never noticed you being particularly inflammatory in threads. I think there is a difference between being passionate and being antagonistic.

    @here4acuddle I didn't see your post, sorry.

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    @DaringSprinter I'm glad I wasn't the only one 🤣🤣🤣

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