How do you look for romantic partners?

[Deleted User]Good_Mitchy (deleted user)
in General

I know, I know, platonic cuddles.
I'm not asking anyone to go out with me here.

But as an introvert that hates dating sites and meeting people at bars I'm left wondering. People seem weird to me and I don't understand them like I'd like to. It feels like everything has become so impersonal in the information age...
It doesn't help that the kind of people I gravitate to are introverts as well, and those people don't spend time in public places either. Sometimes I like to hit on people I encounter randomly while I work, but that naturally goes nowhere and is more just for me to practice hitting on people.

How do you go about looking for romance in this age where people are either buried in their phones or drowning in alcahol?

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Comments

  • MidnightWolfMidnightWolf

    I am afraid I do not have a good answer for you, but I will watch this thread out of curiosity.
    As I have grown as a individual from my previous relationship I learned that I am most likely an ambivert which makes communicating with people weird for them. I connect with both sides of the coin so-to-speak however they tend to find connecting with me some what difficult. Add in some ADD, a pinch of possible autism, and a dash of indecision doesn't help.

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    You will probably have the best luck by looking to meet women who have interests in common with yours. for example:

    Join a local amateur theater group. You don't have to act. They need people to deal with props, costumes, lighting, etc.
    Join a photography club.
    Volunteer at a nearby state park, county forest preserve, food bank, etc.

    Be creative. First, identify what your interests are. Then, figure out where people with similar interests will gather.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup
    edited February 2022

    There is an easy answer, but the actual process of executing the answer is difficult. Basically just maximize your exposure, keep trying things, keep adding things to your life that you find valuable along the way.

    I also find it hard to connect with people, but I think that I'm the weird one. I've always felt a bit different my whole life. A coworker once described me as a robot trying to blend in to society.

    Everyone's journey is different, but:

    For introverts, yeah it's probably going to be cultivating common ground through a shared activity.

    If you develop your extroverted side, it'll be easier to connect with people at bars and dating apps. I got a bit better at this over time. The practice you're getting at work is great.

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    If you’re not a fan of dating sites or bar scene, ect … get a really really cute puppy 🐶 in about 2 months (when the whether is about to warm up) & walk the puppy around / take em with you to places & your interaction with woman will increase by 113% or more.

  • JkayJkay
    edited February 2022

    @cuddles_ndream the puppy advice is expert level.

    @GreatHornedOwl I also love the encouragement of developing your own interests to meet new people.

    Lots of Introverts volunteer at a public libraries. Join a local nerdy group: larping, dnd, etc.

    Try a Meetup Group for hiking singles, or whatever interest you have.

    This is the money advice... regardless of how much it scares you... take a partner dancing class. The male to female ratio at a salsa, bachata, ballroom or swing class is 6 to 1. There is NeVEr enough men. As a woman, I take many of these classes and I learn the guy parts just so people can have partners. Best of all these communities tend to be very supportive, non-judgemental and fun.

    If you are a straight dude in this space, you may as well have found the yellow brick road.

    Best of luck to you!

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @Jkay 🥂

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    While I haven't found a romantic partner since my divorce, I have made many amazing friendships. When they are all put together, they bring me an immense amount of joy.

    My "strategy" for making friendships had been this: being my genuine imperfect self, focusing on my own growth and healing, loving myself, allowing that love to spill out onto others.

    I've joined various social and support groups over the years, and I've met other people who share honestly about their journeys. Most of my friendships have grown organically from encounters with people I've met in those groups.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    @Jkay Thanks for that nugget!

  • Maverick07Maverick07

    Introvert here too, and I tried some of the dating apps in the past - I guess the positive point of them is that the goal is to find someone... and you could suggest meeting in a place other than a bar: maybe go for a walk or hike, or if you two realize there's an activity in common (as suggested previously on this thread) - that's another option.
    Going to different places and finding things to do definitely help but it's still a little bit of a crapshoot in my experience. I decided to put the whole thing on the backburner because I have to travel for work sometimes and when I get back I'm spending time with my daughter; that's non-negotiable, especially that she still thinks daddy is cool, LOL. The women that I dated didn't have sense of humor or patience for that though... and the being away from home for days ruins the puppy strategy.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    Gave up on that a long time ago.

  • [Deleted User]Good_Mitchy (deleted user)

    So I should get a puppy, get dance lessons and join a DnD group. This is all stuff I've heard before so multiple people verifying it is valid evidence of it's effectiveness in my eyes. I'll give it a whirl!

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    A key point about all the great advice in this thread is that you are not necessarily looking for a partner directly: you are really looking indirectly.

    For example, dancing classes. Is's not the case that you are hoping to meet a prospective partner at the dancing class. If you do, hooray. What you're really hoping for is that you will meet somebody at the dancing class who has a single friend who would suit you perfectly. People love to matchmake, which is why it's important to be as friendly as you can with everybody at the dancing class.

    My other top tip is to help. At the dancing class, or whatever it is, arrive early and help set up. Make sure the organisers know you. It's a big help and it means, for example, that you can be useful to new members who join after you.

    If you get out there and DO something - anything - you are not only more likely to meet somebody, it will make you a more interesting person and therefore a better catch too.

    Good luck!

  • IggyJReilly55IggyJReilly55
    edited February 2022

    It really boils down to getting out there and meeting people. Most women aren’t into meek men, and that’s a challenge for many out there. Just an observation abs I could be wrong. Maybe it will be easier for you to start out talking to women online and going from there. Just be graceful and have manners.

    As for DnD groups, that sounds very male oriented and I think that would be a total waste of time. How about people you work with? What’s your social circle like?

  • [Deleted User]Good_Mitchy (deleted user)

    I sure wish it were more in my nature to go out and meet people. But sadly, too much exposure to other humans runs my batteries dry and stresses me out. I start getting really crabby, and eventually I just go robot mode and my enthusiasm dies. My ex was a codependent nymphomaniac and her wanting me to be around her constantly slowly ruined the relationship 😞 She stated blaming me for my lack of enthusiasm and took it as me being a bad person. And once that belief took root in her, I couldn't cross that bridge anymore and it death spiraled into a devastating break up.

  • [Deleted User]Good_Mitchy (deleted user)

    Right now I run deliveries with my car. I have loads of exposure to other people, but only in bite sized amounts. And... I like that, honestly. The space is nice and lets me be more enthusiastic when I do talk to other people. But sometimes I really would like to hang out with someone. I'd go mad if I spent literally all of my time alone.

  • IggyJReilly55IggyJReilly55

    Well, hopefully seeking others out for platonic cuddles can help you with talking to people and networking outwardly.

    I don’t think I’ve ever run a situation with a codependent nymphomaniac but it sure sounds awful. It sounds like you need someone that needs her own space too

  • [Deleted User]Good_Mitchy (deleted user)

    Yes, ideally I want an introvert like me. Preferably someone with low neuroticism too.
    And as for the ex situation. I learned that against all odds, there is such a thing as too much sex. It starts to feel like a job after a while and it just sucks the enjoyment right out of it. That was amplified by her extraordinarily high neuroticism that pushed her to throw a fit any time I didn't give her what she wanted.
    My rebound after that was refreshingly the opposite of her in many ways, but she had eyes for another guy and as much as it pains me, it didn't work out.

  • Cessna_guyCessna_guy

    @Jkay I can also attest to partner dances being a good place to meet people. My experience is in swing dancing. The guy / girl (lead / follow) ratio in the venues I attend is closer to 1:1, varying from session to session. Many new friendships have developed from those interactions over the years.

  • [Deleted User]Good_Mitchy (deleted user)

    You know, I waited tables since I was a kid and one of the frustrating elements of that was that pretty women would come in, and everyone of them would tell you that they don't go to restaurants for their waiter to hit on them. Restaurant work is a bad way to get a romantic relationship. For the longest time I could only think of bars as the type of place women go to get hit on, and that left me feeling sort of hopeless since I don't like drinking. And my nympho ex was an alcoholic too, so ☺️
    Seeing all these recommendations is really opening my eyes to new possibilities! It feels like a real plan of action and I love nothing more than a solid plan!

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup
    edited February 2022

    I've also been involved in restaurant work. And while it's less likely for staff to get involved with customers, it seems like there is quite a lot of relationship drama among the staff itself! I'm guessing that applies to most professions, as the staff are expected to remain professional. Though I hear that bartenders and and uber drivers get hit on by clients regularly, if you're looking for a job where one gets hit on.

  • nature700nature700

    There is a lot of good advice already given here. I would also suggest in almost any hobby/interest you have, there is a group that meets publicly about it - photography, hiking, tennis. If you like art, another suggestion is (night) art classes— women often attend and it’s a creative, relaxed environment. And like others have said, friends have friends.
    Hope this helps a little.

  • [Deleted User]DeadGirlWalking (deleted user)

    I don't look for romantic partners. What is meant for me will find me. I'm in no rush to couple up with someone- I'm comfortable being alone, and suggest that anyone that feels they need to be with someone to feel complete takes a look at why they might feel that way.

  • UKGuyUKGuy
    edited February 2022

    I don't. It took me 20 years to find what I thought was my lifetime partner and when we split up after 25 years together I decided I did not want to start again. Life as a single person is far less stressful. I have two beautiful daughters who are the center of my life now.

  • [Deleted User]Zundar (deleted user)

    Personally I don't, I don't see actively searching for a romantic partner as worth the effort for me personally. I'm going to try and live my life, enjoy it, and if I get into a relationship with someone along the way then great.

  • IggyJReilly55IggyJReilly55
    edited February 2022

    If you have a child or pet, incorporate them because it’s really a package deal. Some women may not want single dads and that’s their choice but if you’re a good father, that’s a huge plus in their eyes. I’ve met a lot of people thru my son’s school and athletic events.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Far more interesting than the question is the shift in verbiage over the years from “looking for” to “searching for romance.” Looking at someone is from an age without computers, when searching for someone meant Ted Bundy was still free.

  • JkayJkay

    @Cessna_guy where do you live? It sounds like a partner dance utopia. I need to sign up for classes there!

    @Good_Mitchy Re: getting exhausted and crabby by social interaction. Think of your social stamina like a muscle you can strengthen. While being introvert/extroverted is a way of being, everyone has a range on that spectrum and if meeting people is your goal, you'll probably want to expand your abilities. (I'm not talking about becoming an extrovert, I'm talking about having the energy to handle people for longer than you currently do) The nice part is just like with exercise you can choose the activities that are the most fun to practice building your skills.

    And I'm with @CuddleDuncan all of these activities allow you to make connections, and you never know which connections may be the ones that lead you to great places so showing up open minded, and ready to pitch in increases your chances.

  • HogboblinZweiHogboblinZwei
    edited February 2022

    I've had success with the following method:

    Locate a stick no longer than five pieds . Ensure that the stick is relatively smooth; at the very least there should be no branches or knobs exceeding one pouce in length.

    Draw a bath. The temperature of the water should be hot, but not so hot as to cause horrific agony. Pour your favorite red wine into the bath. Grape soda may be used as a substitute. Add flower petals into the bath, as well as the innards from your favorite stuffed animal. The petals and fluff should obscure the bottom of the tub when the water is still.

    Get into the bath while thinking romantic thoughts. It is of critical importance that you find a romantic thought that supersedes all others in loveliness. When you do, speak that thought aloud like a mantra.

    Take your stick, and slowly rotate one end around your navel in a clockwise fashion. If you're doing it right, the water won't be disturbed.

    This will begin the extraction process. When all of the love sap is extracted from your navel, set the stick aside and let the sap crystalize. The end result should be a stick topped by what appears to be a glass sculpture of cotton candy.

    The next day, take your stick outside and find someone who strikes you as an ideal romantic partner. If you have someone specific in mind, that works too. Approach them slowly, so as to not spook them, and place your stick in between the two of you, with your crystalized end pointing at your navel, and the plain end pointing at their navel.

    Repeat your mantra from yesterday, but in reverse, while rotating the opposite end of the stick widdershins.

    If everything went smoothly, then your intended partner's love sap should begin to seep from their belly button, and attach itself to your stick.

    Congratulations!

  • JoyfulHeartJoyfulHeart

    @HogboblinZwei Bonus points for offhand use of the word "widdershins".

  • [Deleted User]ClubSamwiches (deleted user)

    I think matchmakers still exist! Maybe you could solicit their help? Best wishes finding love 💗 I like to think it comes to us when least expected, but maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.

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